Sassy's comment to yesterday's post ("Nice legs, Dive") got me thinking …
(a) Yes, I do have nice legs and,
(b) Taking quotes out of context is fun.
Sooo … A furtive delve inside my bag of old comments gives a splendid opportunity to psychoanalyse you, my lovely readers and blogpals by taking snippets out of context.
Robyn is of course exempt from the "big one". I shall refrain from quoting that particular Nudsenesque nugget as we all know it only too well …
Unsurprisingly, the most fecund source of quotable dodginess is that most slippery of Freudians, Little Sassy Schmoozer.
It was the Schmooze Queen herself who provided my very favourite putdown, "I'm glad that you are an ocean away"; something women have been struggling to tell me all my life, though never so elegantly and usually with added profanity or physical violence … Ah me …
So without further ado, let us launch ourselves down the slippery slope of self-analysis.
Here, in no particular order, are some of the things you lot have written to me:
Let's start with the youngest: Taihae:
"I AM NOT REPRESENTED BY MY PRESIDENT!" Admirable, but not quite smutty enough for this post …
"Google is my dear and glorious anal penetrator." That's more like it.
"Methinks dive needs to get laid." Spot on, young Tai.
The Other Girl (The Cat In The Hat In Seattle) writes, somewhat confusingly:
"Reeking pismire." and
"Yah Mo Be There." … Quite …
Adair of the dark honey eyes writes:
"Share your gooey goodies with me. :)" Now that's the kind of comment I like …
Dod chips in with "Old nun's twat" but that's hardly surprising …
Old Knudsen in his infinite wisdom:
"God is a woman?" Yup, 'fraid so …
and surprisingly
"I want to hang around with you so I can become cool by association."
but not so surprisingly
"Natalie Portman makes me feel like a pedo"
and
"Dive is thinking about anal sex when reading my blog?" Right again, Old K.
Peahen contributes:
"Gargoyles rude bits".
and
"What a load of squit!"
but also
"I promise that next time I see you I'll be wearing stripey tights."
(and she was) …
Rich gives away his (and my) age:
"Rebel Rebel and Bowie never gets old!"
And as for Robyn:
"Holy crap!" (that was from an email, but something I never thought I'd hear from her).
"You have to go through INTERCOURSE to get to PARADISE and BLUE BALLS is just on the other side." Oh, you Americans and your lovely ways with naming towns …
and
"Also, exactly what does "twat" mean, so I don't use it if I shouldn't :)
Ooooohhhhhh, I get it. I'll be careful with that word. :)
Where's that British dictionary? Now I have to look up "tossers.""
And finally, Sassy leaves herself wide open to misinterpretation with:
"Fuck the opera house!" Something I've yet to try.
"There's something about fat in lycra." Indeed there is …
"Hee hee. Wow. Freud would have a thing or two to say. :)" You are his favourite slipper …
"Oh my. Oh my. Oh my. I think that's all I can say for now. Oh my."
"I seem to have my naughty bits down cold." Brrr …
"Hee hee hee. Oh, hee hee hee. I don't really understand it, hee hee. So you squeeze his willy, and it comes out of his mouth? I don't understand. Hee hee hee hee … Oh, oh, and the BUTT PLUG???? Eeeeeewwww." This is what comes of online dating, young Sassy …
"Nice privy."
"Cute pig, and great Arsehole." Thanks.
All I can say is keep up the good work.
If anyone feels they've been under-represented, it's probably because you've been too prudent with your comments. Learn from this.
I appreciate I'm leaving myself wide open for a counterattack here, but after November's NaBloPoMo onslaught, I really couldn't think of anything else to write so I let you write this one yourselves.
Apologies and thanks for the giggles …
17 comments:
Holy Crap is actually something I say quite often. My prudent and prude-like blog is but a shield, my dear friend on the other side of the sea.
Hee hee …
When I was a kid, we could get away with "crap", but "Holy … anything" got us a whack round the head and a severe telling off about taking God's name in vain …
I like being a dear friend. That's the nicest comment I've ever had (sniff). Thank you, Robyn.
It's the opposite in my family. For years, when we would prepare our kids for a Christmas trip to Grandma's, we would instruct them not to say crap because it's nothing more than a softer form of shit, and my mother doesn't like it.
Last Christmas I learned that just about every family unit gives out the same off-limit word instructions before going to Grandma's, so I suggested that anything goes. I doubt that will fly this year.
And, my punishment was more likely a slap across the face than a "whack round the head." Ah, childhood.
Ah, childhood indeed …
The casual sadism and hypocrisy of parents versus the casual sadism and hypocrisy of children …
If we truly were made in His image, I think we'd better duck.
Note to Oxford English Dictionary:
This post contains the first use in public print of the word "Knudsenesque".
If it catches on, I want the kudos.
Happy to oblige.
Saying "Holy crap!" is fun. I said it just yesterday. It was a comment about the warm weather here.
Actually, if you add "holy" to almost any exclamation, it gives it more punch. My daughter explored a cute little town over the summer and found a church called Holy Mother of Sorrows. So that has become a very fun exclamation when Holy Crap won't suffice.
Holy hand grenades are always fun.
"Holy rot infested cunt" Batman, sorry this taking the Lord's feces in vain thing was getting to me.
"Knudsenesque" sounds classy, I may name my next child that,Knudsenesque Knudsen, (asumming we are wed etc)
Holy Mother of Sorrows! I love that, Robyn. I'll try it out the next time I'm exasperated …
Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch is another good one, though I may well not use Old K's in front of mum …
And Lynn; my mum's bugbear was "shit". We had the shit beaten out of us if we used it, though she said it all the time (sorry mum, but you know it's true).
And Old K: Knudsenesque does sound kind of continental and sophisticated. Given Scotland's long allegiance with the froggies against England, perhaps it's apt.
Hey, I was listening to the weekly news pisstake on Radio 4 on the way home and one of the stand-ups started off with:
"So, George Bush went to Vietnam this week … Only forty years after they first asked him."
That cracked me right up.
That's hysterical, Dive. I'm going to tell that joke.
I had a feeling YOU would like it, young schmoozer.
Thanks Dive! Just updated the novel by the way...
Excellent.
I'm now off to bed. I'll read it in the morning as I don't want to be up all night worrying about Jo …
Heh heh this is funny..
Having grown up in a boarding school that followed the British system quite rigidly, and then being exposed to American media as we are, plus the many different languages one is required to switch between in India as well in Bhutan, I must say I've a pretty decent vocabulary of indecencies.
As kids in school, we almost replaced all the spaces between words with 'fuck'. Yes, we thought it was cool- very cool! LOL..
Hee hee.
Welcome, Utsav.
Love the "Vocabulary of Indecencies".
If anyone hasn't found Utsav's blogs, just follow Lynn's link in my sidebar. This is your chance to learn about the magical and beautiful kingdom of Bhutan.
Go take a look.
Hehe..
Thanks for that Dive. Just put up a sitemeter- now to see if anyone turns up.
And yes, I was having problems posting pictures earlier. It's fine now, I managed to touch up that last post of mine a bit. Give it another shot.
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