Sheesh! Holidays …
You know how it is: you walk into a room and something in your mind goes 'Hmm …'.
Next thing you know you're driving back from the hardware store with several tons of maple and steel and for the next few days half the house looks like a building site …
So yeah; I kinda forgot about the computer.
And I was so happy dicking around with my power tools and rearranging furniture and a few thousand books that I didn't get around to writing my assignment.
No worries, though, as Vanda did hers, and what a doozy it is:
Vanda's 'Desert Wind'
I'm not going to spoil it for you; just go read it. It is definitely worth your while and will leave you (at least it did me) with a warm glow and a day-long urge to giggle.
And, 'mea culpa,' I omitted on first posting this to include Lulu's marvellous story which she wrote so quickly it seems ages ago that I first enjoyed it:
Lulu's 'The Morning After'
Priceless. Hilarious. Gross to the point of barf-out-loud funny.
By the way:
Apologies for not visiting anyone's sites over the past week. Same excuse as above.
Oh, and Happy New Year if you're into that kind of thing.
On this last night of the year I'll be going to bed early with a book as usual. My longest-suffering Blogville neighbours will know why, but in case you don't, here's a somewhat sweary reminder from an end of year post a couple of years ago to explain why I shall not be partaking of drunken revelry tonight (nor any other New Year's Eve as long as I live):
You can consider this my 500 Words assignment, even though it's too long.
"The one thing I shall NOT be doing is going out tonight.
Between the ages of nine and forty-five, I spent every single Old Year's Night on stage (musicians always call it Old Year's Night, rather than New Year's Eve because New Year's Eve suggests hope and Old Year's Nights are festering pits of hopeless black despair and miserable fucking despondency) and believe me, there's no better aversion therapy than that.
Here's what a typical Old Year's Night used to entail for Old Dive:
Stay sober all day (and all night)!
Force several pounds of pasta down my gullet at noon because I'll have bugger all else to eat until breakfast time next year.
Pack up all the gear at lunchtime and drive to the studio (or wherever, depending on the year). Unpack all the gear and load it - tons of it - into the truck/van/bus.
Drive for hours to some posh fucking hotel.
Carry all the gear up endless flights of stairs and down miles of dingy corridors, then set it all up and spend a couple of hours soundchecking everything (including such immeasurable joys as listening to the drummer hit the snare drum once a second for five minutes while Rod the sound man gets the fucking levels right).
Sit cramped together in some miserable fucking hotel room, stone cold sober, munching crap snacks and drinking crap hotel coffee and watching suicidally dire crap TV from five in the afternoon (when we have to be out of the ballroom so they can set the tables) until eleven at night, by which time we are so wired from the coffee and so insane from the boredom that we are all ready to kill someone, possibly each other.
Try to resist the voices in my head telling me to KILL, KILL, KILL all of those bastards in the ballroom who have spent the last few hours stuffing their fat fucking faces with umpteen courses of gourmet food and guzzling gallons of wine while we've been arguing over a plastic-wrapped packet of three fucking stale hotel biscuits.
Get changed into fucking dickie bows and penguin suits. Great under stage lights if you want to sweat off a few stone or lose consciousness.
Go on stage and play (SOBER) until three in the fucking morning, during which, for the mercifully brief part around midnight we will inevitably end up backing some fucking washed-up chart has-been who thinks they're God, can't sing live and is out of his or her gourd on cocaine, all the while having to stare (and SMILE) at disgusting fucking yuppie drunks in party hats who are ripped to the tits, their sweaty red pig faces as ugly as sin, pawing and slobbering over equally rat-arsed pretty girls you'll never, ever get to paw and slobber over, who are trying pathetically to dance and falling all over the monitor speakers (I hate you all forever).
Pull fucking party poppers, streamers and binge-drunk girls off hot amps before they catch fire.
Smile through it all (the worst and hardest part) while every moment we are aching for it all to end and praying for the Apocalypse to spare us another moment's suffering.
Make our miserable fucking way back upstairs, shower off the sweat, stink and filth and change again, then wait hours for the drunks to stop vomiting and passing out and get the fuck out of the ballroom before spending a soul-destroying hour breaking down all the gear, carting it back down endless stairs and corridors and out into the freezing night and packing it away.
Drive back to the studio, soberly waving at all the traffic police who are just as fucking miserable at having to work all night on the set of "Night Of The Living Drunks".
Repack all the stuff in our cars as dawn breaks and our fingers freeze off and the world's biggest and most miserable fucking headache settles in to stay for the day.
Drive home, sober and homicidal at breakfast time vowing NEVER to do it again.
(er … I'm not sounding just a teensy bit bitter here, am I? … Yes? … Good!) …
Much to the falling-over amazement of all my session musician buddies (I'll think of your suffering as I snuggle into my pillow, you poor sods), I made a break for it at forty-six and have been on the run ever since, refusing all offers to play another Old Year's Night, no matter how desperate and cash-laden they have been (and they have been).
The upshot of which is that for the past few years, my Old Year's Nights have been thoroughly relaxing and I've been asleep well before midnight.
Tonight I will be doing the same again. I'll watch a DVD after dinner, then take a book and a scotch to bed around nine. Ahhh … bliss …
So now you know.
Decades of aversion therapy have left me with a deeply ingrained and truly seething hatred of New Year's Eve and all who sail in her.
I have stood, year after year, decade after decade, soberly watching with mounting disgust and abhorrence the binge-drunk antics of New Year's Eve revellers and feeling the deep hatred and bile-bitter loathing settle heavily on my cold black heart."
Enjoy tonight if you must, but spare a thought for those poor fuckers up on stage. They are not smiling, they are grimacing.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
500 Words - Christmas Special
Merry Christmas, Blogville!
It's Christmas morning over here in The Divery and the snow outside my window may no longer be deep and crisp and even but at least it helps with the festive vibe.
In the spirit of Christmas I'm not going to set a 500 Words sentence for you this week; however, in the spirit of Scrooge I am still setting a writing assignment for your holidays.
This week's piece must still be precisely 500 words long but can be based on any darned thing you like.
Enjoy.
Being a ludicrously busy sort of cove I didn't have time (okay, I forgot) to make you a Christmas card this year (if you really want one, click HERE and HERE for the old ones), but this tickled me somewhat so I'll post it instead.
It's not so much the ciggies that cracked me up, but the … er … Prince Albert.
I don't know how many of you know what a "Prince Albert" is, but it seems that the good folk at Camel cigarettes are of the opinion that nothing makes Christmas truly Christmas like a big box of lung cancer and a festive cock ring in a tin.
Have an intercoursingly spiffing Christmas everybody.
It's Christmas morning over here in The Divery and the snow outside my window may no longer be deep and crisp and even but at least it helps with the festive vibe.
In the spirit of Christmas I'm not going to set a 500 Words sentence for you this week; however, in the spirit of Scrooge I am still setting a writing assignment for your holidays.
This week's piece must still be precisely 500 words long but can be based on any darned thing you like.
Enjoy.
Being a ludicrously busy sort of cove I didn't have time (okay, I forgot) to make you a Christmas card this year (if you really want one, click HERE and HERE for the old ones), but this tickled me somewhat so I'll post it instead.
It's not so much the ciggies that cracked me up, but the … er … Prince Albert.I don't know how many of you know what a "Prince Albert" is, but it seems that the good folk at Camel cigarettes are of the opinion that nothing makes Christmas truly Christmas like a big box of lung cancer and a festive cock ring in a tin.
Have an intercoursingly spiffing Christmas everybody.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
500 Words XX - Story Time
In the spirit of the season I took this week's sentence from Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol'.
The sentence was:
'Really, for a man who had been out of practice for so many years, it was a splendid laugh, a most illustrious laugh.'
So quick off the blocks it made my head spin, Katherine had written hers and posted it before the ink was dry on last week's assignment:
Katherine's 'The Right To Laugh'
A truly chilling Christmas message reminding us that a large part of the true spirit of Christmas is that of charity and of giving.
Wonderful and thought-provoking.
Vanda's 'Ho Ho Ho'
Ah, my fellow Scrooge gets her teeth into the festive season and gives it a well-deserved savaging.
This one will keep me grinning and giggling for days, especially when my postman delivers the next brown cardboard package.
Dive's 'The Fourth Ghost'
This looked like being around 10,000 words long so I had to cut out just about everything to get it down to 500. Perhaps I'll rummage on the editing room floor for next Christmas.
A very Merry Christmas to all our readers.
The sentence was:
'Really, for a man who had been out of practice for so many years, it was a splendid laugh, a most illustrious laugh.'
So quick off the blocks it made my head spin, Katherine had written hers and posted it before the ink was dry on last week's assignment:
Katherine's 'The Right To Laugh'
A truly chilling Christmas message reminding us that a large part of the true spirit of Christmas is that of charity and of giving.
Wonderful and thought-provoking.
Vanda's 'Ho Ho Ho'
Ah, my fellow Scrooge gets her teeth into the festive season and gives it a well-deserved savaging.
This one will keep me grinning and giggling for days, especially when my postman delivers the next brown cardboard package.
Dive's 'The Fourth Ghost'
This looked like being around 10,000 words long so I had to cut out just about everything to get it down to 500. Perhaps I'll rummage on the editing room floor for next Christmas.
A very Merry Christmas to all our readers.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Roll On Spring
"Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow …"
Sammy Cahn wrote those lyrics. He lived in Los Angeles.
If the bugger had lived anywhere that had snow he'd have changed his tune pretty damned fast.
Bollocks to snow!
Snow is crap.
I hate the smegging stuff.
Anyone who's dreaming of a white Christmas obviously doesn't live in a remote village with no gritters or snow-ploughs for miles.
If anyone wants all this snow, please come and get the bloody stuff.
It's not welcome here.
Actually, most of it had gone by the time I took these photos. It was a lot deeper on Friday and yesterday but the cloud cover made it almost dark and the blizzard conditions meant that only an idiot would venture outside.
The sun came out this morning so let's hope this stupid white stuff is gone by the time I have to drive to the station tomorrow.
Thaw, please.
Now!
And since we've no place to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow …"
Sammy Cahn wrote those lyrics. He lived in Los Angeles.If the bugger had lived anywhere that had snow he'd have changed his tune pretty damned fast.
Bollocks to snow!
Snow is crap.
I hate the smegging stuff.
Anyone who's dreaming of a white Christmas obviously doesn't live in a remote village with no gritters or snow-ploughs for miles.
If anyone wants all this snow, please come and get the bloody stuff.It's not welcome here.
Actually, most of it had gone by the time I took these photos. It was a lot deeper on Friday and yesterday but the cloud cover made it almost dark and the blizzard conditions meant that only an idiot would venture outside.
The sun came out this morning so let's hope this stupid white stuff is gone by the time I have to drive to the station tomorrow.
Thaw, please.Now!
Friday, December 18, 2009
500 Words XX - This Week's Sentence
For the last 500 Words assignment before Christmas I have lazily succumbed to the obvious and taken the sentence from Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol'.
The sentence is:
'Really, for a man who had been out of practice for so many years, it was a splendid laugh, a most illustrious laugh.'
Have fun with it.
The sentence is:
'Really, for a man who had been out of practice for so many years, it was a splendid laugh, a most illustrious laugh.'
Have fun with it.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
500 Words IXX - Story Time
In a fit of atypical seasonality, this week’s sentence was taken from one of Charles Dickens’ many delightful Christmas Books: The Chimes (A Goblin Story).
The sentence was:
‘A lamentable instance, Mr. Fish.’
Even more atypically, it seems only Old Dive (the man who hates Christmas) got into the festive groove this week.
Dive's 'A Christmas Karel'
Appalling title, I know, but hey ho.
I'll be posting another festive sentence tomorrow for the run-up to the day itself.
Bah, humbug to any who don't join in.
Oooh! Hey! Late addendum:
Todd has unleashed his extraordinarily creative imagination on this one and the result is:
Todd's 'Dreaming'
A truly beautiful and quite trippy journey across the universe using a form of transport that would make my commute a sheer joy.
The sentence was:
‘A lamentable instance, Mr. Fish.’
Even more atypically, it seems only Old Dive (the man who hates Christmas) got into the festive groove this week.
Dive's 'A Christmas Karel'
Appalling title, I know, but hey ho.
I'll be posting another festive sentence tomorrow for the run-up to the day itself.
Bah, humbug to any who don't join in.
Oooh! Hey! Late addendum:
Todd has unleashed his extraordinarily creative imagination on this one and the result is:
Todd's 'Dreaming'
A truly beautiful and quite trippy journey across the universe using a form of transport that would make my commute a sheer joy.
Monday, December 14, 2009
WTF Monday - Skymall Christmas Special
Brr … It's almost half-past December and therefore the time to celebrate:
(a) for Christians: the birth of Jesus, peace on Earth (still a little way to go there, guys) and good will to all men. A time of prayer and thanksgiving.
(b) for Heathens: the winter solstice, when the nights stop drawing in and the days start getting longer again, heralding the return of spring and the renewal of life. A great excuse to eat, drink and be merry. Yay!
(c) for the rest of you: it's Skymall Time! Woohoo!
Those who remember my last trawl through the Skymall Christmas catalogue will know just why I've posted this as a WTF Monday item. They will recall with horror (or perverse delight if they're sick like me) the Thomas Kinkade 'Animated Holiday Tree', the animatronic singing Elvis, the giant inflatable train and the secret healing power of the hoodie.
Well, here goes with this year's festive trawl through the carnival of crapola that is the Skymall Christmas.
Bring on the tacky!
Bring on the kitsch!
Bring on the hideous cornucopia of tasteless tat, that festival of completely useless things you never before realised that you didn't want in your house!
First item on our festive menu is the quite (i.e. 'not very') beautiful:
The Nutcracker Ballet Music Box - $129.99
Enjoy an evening at the Nutcracker Ballet with this enchanting musical display. Music box is a mini theatre which captures the charm and music of the Nutcracker Ballet. Velvet-like (Mmm … Velvet-like) curtain opens and closes between the three scenes, accompanied by nine of the famous musical selections. LED lights highlight twirling dancers and moving props. Stage resets to the beginning whenever the music box is turned on. Turns off automatically after the three scenes have played three times and the nine songs are finished. Crafted of intricately detailed and painted resin. Volume control. UL-listed AC adapter. 8-1/2"W x 10-1/2"D x 11"H."
I love the ballet so obviously this would make an ideal present for me.
Er … Next!
Christmas Stocking Stand - $24.99
Show off up to 8 festive stockings on our Christmas Stocking Stand. Perfect if you don't have a mantel, or you have heirloom stockings (What the fuck are 'heirloom stockings?') to display. Star-topped black metal stand has scrolled base; easy assembly. 14"Dia. base; 43"H.
Words fail me.
What else has Skymall's Santa got hidden in his sack?
Why, it's 'A Christmas Tradition' that … er … actually isn't a Christmas tradition at all, outside of some tacky marketing department:
The Elf of the Shelf - $29.99
Inspired by one family's tradition (or a desperate, drunken marketing department meeting), let it become a tradition in yours. Perch this little elf around your home during the weeks before Christmas. As the story goes, he magically returns to the North Pole every night to report to the Big Guy; by morning, he's in a new place to offer a daily hide-and-seek ritual for kids and adults alike. 8"H elf comes with a 28-page hardcover illustrated book that explains the story to children (and adults!). Durable storage box included.
Hmm … Maybe; maybe not.
I wonder what a hundred and fifty dollars will get me these days …
Holiday Carousel - $149.99
Step back in time, with this wonderful Tabletop Decoration that delights you as you listen to Christmas Carols and timeless classics. Bright, long-lasting LED bulbs decorate these elaborate family-time scenes, bringing back vivid memories of seasons long ago. As you watch the action, you can listen to Christmas carols and all-time classic tunes that play automatically. Includes volume control, on/off. UL listed adapter.
Holiday Around The Carousel. Classic fair attractions has four LEDs beneath the velvety (isn't that some kind of faux-cheese?) canopy illuminating the area. Horses and riders go round and round and up and down. Plays 15 Christmas carols and 15 all-time classic tunes. Includes separate half-promenade. 15 3/4" in dia. 11" tall.
I would dearly love to meet the family that sits around the table at Christmas watching and listening to the Holiday Carousel. They sound like my kind of people. Oh, what scintillating conversation we could have.
Yikes! Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a scary foray into the hideous world of 'The Painter Of Light™' Thomas Kinkade.
Thomas Kinkade Talking House - $134.99
The Thomas Kinkade The Night Before Christmas Talking House. Each window of this small, meticulously handpainted house lights up in sequence as Painter of Light Thomas Kinkade recites 'Twas the Night Before Christmas in a clear voice recording. The hand-numbered Victorian-style house (hey, I'm an Architect and this is not remotely like any Victorian-style house I've ever seen, even in nightmares) is draped in snow and brilliant lights. The windows show holiday scenes with the audio recording synchronized with the room lights. Includes a hand-numbered certificate of authenticity and AC adapter. Crafted from resin. 14" H x 13" W x 6" D. (13 lbs.)
A hand-numbered certificate of authenticity, no less! It may be garish and worthless crap, but it's AUTHENTIC garish and worthless crap. You have a hand-numbered certificate to prove it!
And while we're on the subject of 'heirloom' gifts, 'meticulously handpainted by artisans who painstakingly brush rich details by freehand' …
Musical Rocking Santa - $149.95
The Musical Rocking Santa. This handpainted musical St. Nick rocks backs-and-forth in a rocking chair while playing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
Only 300 of these musical Santas will be produced, (I think that's probably just as well, but still around 300 too many) each one meticulously handpainted by artisans who painstakingly brush rich details by freehand, (Yay!) including the rocking chair's wood grain, Santa's rosy cheeks and thick white beard, and the foamy swirls of the hot chocolate he is holding (not a good idea on a rocking chair, Santa; you'll end up in the burns unit). An internal clockwork mechanism like those used in Old World European toys (er … what?) prods Santa to gently sway forwards and backwards while the music plays. The music box employs key-wound musical movement with steel tines that pluck the steel combs 18 teeth, producing classic music box tones. Molded resin. 6" H x 5" W x 4" D. (1 1/3 lbs.)
Here's a gift that's perfect for old folk like me, who hate Christmas TV schedules with teeth-grinding intensity.
Why settle for real crap TV when you can have FAKE crap TV?
Animated Musical TV Diorama - $149.95
The Animated Musical Television Diorama. This animated holiday musicale is faithful to the outward details of a television from a bygone era. Complete with a dipole antenna, rotary dials, integrated legs, and other details that distinguished televisions of the 1950s, the animated musical television plays classic holiday songs like Silent Night, Jingle Bells, O' Christmas Tree, and more. A three-dimensional, handpainted winter tableau inside the television depicts a village set among snowcapped mountains and evergreen trees. Richly detailed log cabin homes have illuminated windows and lampposts, and a scene of holiday revelers includes carolers, snow skiers, and ice skaters that "skate" around a Christmas tree. The volume adjusts with the turn of a dial. Requires three AAA batteries. 8" H x 10" L x 6" D. (5-1/4 lbs.)
Be still, my beating heart.
Here's a Colonial tradition that has yet to take hold over here on the curmudgeonly side of the pond: 'yard art' … er …
We'll start with one that would suit my own Scroogey tendencies:
Freeze & Heat Miser Yard Art - $69.99
Though this metal yard art doesn't feature your usual Santa, snowman or reindeer, these colorful figures are sure to bring back memories! (er … memories of what? Drunken nightmares? Bad trips?) The hammered-steel Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art displays represent two key characters from the classic 1974 animated movie. Each "miser" metal yard art comes with a stake-in floodlight holder and halogen floodlight bulb to illuminate him at night. When ordering Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art, please specify: Heat Miser or Snow Miser.
Benefits of the Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art:
* Sturdy metal yard art can be used for many years
* Metal yard art includes spotlight for nighttime illumination
* Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art folds for easy storage
If that doesn't float your boat, how about terrifying passers-by with an animated moose?
Christmas Moose Yard Art - $119.99
Add a delightful woodsy touch to your holiday landscape with the Christmas Moose Animated Yard Art. Slowing moving his head side to side, this large moose sculpture is all decked out for the holidays with sparkling lights and a ribbon-trimmed wreath around his neck. Equally impressive both day and night, the Christmas Moose Animated Yard Art is wrapped in brown acrylic strands to intensify the brightness of the 250 clear mini-lights within. The lighted moose sculpture has a powder-coated metal frame, and measures 4-feet long and over 3-feet tall.
I'm almost tempted, but for those who want the true spirit of Christmas (Christmas with 'Christ' in it), how about the very reasonably priced and actually quite pretty:
Holy Family Yard Art - $29.97
Like windowpanes of stained glass, this holiday yard art glows with jewel-like colors when lit from behind by 50 clear mini-lights. This striking outdoor Christmas decor has a PVC surface that glistens for daytime elegance as well. Yard art panel is 19-1/4"W x 2"D x 36"H with 30" cord; metal stands and end-to-end connectors make set-up easy.
Benefits of the Stained Glass Yard Art:
* This inspirational holiday yard art has the look of stained glass
* Glitter-gel outdoor Christmas decor is durable and weather-resistant.
Plus, of course, your Mary, Joseph and Jesus are conveniently and unfeasibly white (with lovely high-lighted hair), so there's no danger of your yard art being snatched by the military and flown via Diego Garcia to an exotic destination for a water-boarding, electric shock and sexual humiliation interrogation vacation, unlike any of your neighbours' yard art that might feature a Holy Family with Middle-Eastern features.
And for those of us who love a bit of stuffing with our Christmas dinner:
Stuffable Christmas Characters - $19.99
Almost (almost?) -life-size Winter characters will bring a smile to anyone's face! Stuff him with newspapers (for indoor use), or plastic grocery bags (for outdoor use) and set him up in any position...on your front doorstep or in your easy chair! "Unstuff' to store flat. 100% nylon taffeta (parachute material). Comes with all "clothing" and accessories shown. 6" stuffing opening has hook-and-loop closure. About 5' tall stuffed. Imported.
For anyone with a penchant for the inflatable, here's something that would be exceedingly unwise to own in a nation with no gun control:
Singing Santa Inflatable Decor - $99.99
Motion-activated 5' inflatable Santa sings and dances up a storm to "Let it Snow" as the lighted 50's-style Crosley jukebox plays.
Even his mouth moves! (Woohoo!) This delightful inflatable decoration is made of durable PVC fabric and inflates in seconds; includes fan, ground stakes, and 6-1/2" cord. The inflatable Santa will start to move and sing when his built-in sensor is triggered by movement from up to 3 feet away.
Benefits of the Singing Santa with Jukebox Inflatable Decoration:
* Inflatable Santa dances and waves while singing along to the music
* Lighted inflatable Christmas decoration is easy to use -- just plug it in
* Use this colorful inflatable decoration outdoors or in; action and music are triggered when motion is detected.
At last! Something in the Skymall Christmas range that I might buy myself (were I to relocate to the US where such things are acceptable to society):
Peanuts Nativity Set - $279.99
Our large Peanuts Nativity Set recreates the classic Christmas pageant scene from "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Impressively-sized display (stable is 42-1/2"H) makes an enchanting way to express the spirit of Christmas. The 7-piece set is crafted of brightly-colored hammered metal, and each figure has an easel back for easy setup indoors or out. Includes 2 UL-listed floodlight sets (holder/bulb) for nighttime viewing, plus ground stakes. Figures range from 15"H to 28-3/4"H.
A Christmas without Skymall would be a very dull affair indeed.
I'm off to polish my Thomas Kinkade 'Animated Holiday Tree'.
Toodle Pip!
(a) for Christians: the birth of Jesus, peace on Earth (still a little way to go there, guys) and good will to all men. A time of prayer and thanksgiving.
(b) for Heathens: the winter solstice, when the nights stop drawing in and the days start getting longer again, heralding the return of spring and the renewal of life. A great excuse to eat, drink and be merry. Yay!
(c) for the rest of you: it's Skymall Time! Woohoo!
Those who remember my last trawl through the Skymall Christmas catalogue will know just why I've posted this as a WTF Monday item. They will recall with horror (or perverse delight if they're sick like me) the Thomas Kinkade 'Animated Holiday Tree', the animatronic singing Elvis, the giant inflatable train and the secret healing power of the hoodie.
Well, here goes with this year's festive trawl through the carnival of crapola that is the Skymall Christmas.
Bring on the tacky!
Bring on the kitsch!
Bring on the hideous cornucopia of tasteless tat, that festival of completely useless things you never before realised that you didn't want in your house!
First item on our festive menu is the quite (i.e. 'not very') beautiful:
The Nutcracker Ballet Music Box - $129.99 Enjoy an evening at the Nutcracker Ballet with this enchanting musical display. Music box is a mini theatre which captures the charm and music of the Nutcracker Ballet. Velvet-like (Mmm … Velvet-like) curtain opens and closes between the three scenes, accompanied by nine of the famous musical selections. LED lights highlight twirling dancers and moving props. Stage resets to the beginning whenever the music box is turned on. Turns off automatically after the three scenes have played three times and the nine songs are finished. Crafted of intricately detailed and painted resin. Volume control. UL-listed AC adapter. 8-1/2"W x 10-1/2"D x 11"H."
I love the ballet so obviously this would make an ideal present for me.
Er … Next!
Christmas Stocking Stand - $24.99Show off up to 8 festive stockings on our Christmas Stocking Stand. Perfect if you don't have a mantel, or you have heirloom stockings (What the fuck are 'heirloom stockings?') to display. Star-topped black metal stand has scrolled base; easy assembly. 14"Dia. base; 43"H.
Words fail me.
What else has Skymall's Santa got hidden in his sack?
Why, it's 'A Christmas Tradition' that … er … actually isn't a Christmas tradition at all, outside of some tacky marketing department:
The Elf of the Shelf - $29.99Inspired by one family's tradition (or a desperate, drunken marketing department meeting), let it become a tradition in yours. Perch this little elf around your home during the weeks before Christmas. As the story goes, he magically returns to the North Pole every night to report to the Big Guy; by morning, he's in a new place to offer a daily hide-and-seek ritual for kids and adults alike. 8"H elf comes with a 28-page hardcover illustrated book that explains the story to children (and adults!). Durable storage box included.
Hmm … Maybe; maybe not.
I wonder what a hundred and fifty dollars will get me these days …
Holiday Carousel - $149.99Step back in time, with this wonderful Tabletop Decoration that delights you as you listen to Christmas Carols and timeless classics. Bright, long-lasting LED bulbs decorate these elaborate family-time scenes, bringing back vivid memories of seasons long ago. As you watch the action, you can listen to Christmas carols and all-time classic tunes that play automatically. Includes volume control, on/off. UL listed adapter.
Holiday Around The Carousel. Classic fair attractions has four LEDs beneath the velvety (isn't that some kind of faux-cheese?) canopy illuminating the area. Horses and riders go round and round and up and down. Plays 15 Christmas carols and 15 all-time classic tunes. Includes separate half-promenade. 15 3/4" in dia. 11" tall.
I would dearly love to meet the family that sits around the table at Christmas watching and listening to the Holiday Carousel. They sound like my kind of people. Oh, what scintillating conversation we could have.
Yikes! Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a scary foray into the hideous world of 'The Painter Of Light™' Thomas Kinkade.
Thomas Kinkade Talking House - $134.99The Thomas Kinkade The Night Before Christmas Talking House. Each window of this small, meticulously handpainted house lights up in sequence as Painter of Light Thomas Kinkade recites 'Twas the Night Before Christmas in a clear voice recording. The hand-numbered Victorian-style house (hey, I'm an Architect and this is not remotely like any Victorian-style house I've ever seen, even in nightmares) is draped in snow and brilliant lights. The windows show holiday scenes with the audio recording synchronized with the room lights. Includes a hand-numbered certificate of authenticity and AC adapter. Crafted from resin. 14" H x 13" W x 6" D. (13 lbs.)
A hand-numbered certificate of authenticity, no less! It may be garish and worthless crap, but it's AUTHENTIC garish and worthless crap. You have a hand-numbered certificate to prove it!
And while we're on the subject of 'heirloom' gifts, 'meticulously handpainted by artisans who painstakingly brush rich details by freehand' …
Musical Rocking Santa - $149.95The Musical Rocking Santa. This handpainted musical St. Nick rocks backs-and-forth in a rocking chair while playing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
Only 300 of these musical Santas will be produced, (I think that's probably just as well, but still around 300 too many) each one meticulously handpainted by artisans who painstakingly brush rich details by freehand, (Yay!) including the rocking chair's wood grain, Santa's rosy cheeks and thick white beard, and the foamy swirls of the hot chocolate he is holding (not a good idea on a rocking chair, Santa; you'll end up in the burns unit). An internal clockwork mechanism like those used in Old World European toys (er … what?) prods Santa to gently sway forwards and backwards while the music plays. The music box employs key-wound musical movement with steel tines that pluck the steel combs 18 teeth, producing classic music box tones. Molded resin. 6" H x 5" W x 4" D. (1 1/3 lbs.)
Here's a gift that's perfect for old folk like me, who hate Christmas TV schedules with teeth-grinding intensity.
Why settle for real crap TV when you can have FAKE crap TV?
Animated Musical TV Diorama - $149.95The Animated Musical Television Diorama. This animated holiday musicale is faithful to the outward details of a television from a bygone era. Complete with a dipole antenna, rotary dials, integrated legs, and other details that distinguished televisions of the 1950s, the animated musical television plays classic holiday songs like Silent Night, Jingle Bells, O' Christmas Tree, and more. A three-dimensional, handpainted winter tableau inside the television depicts a village set among snowcapped mountains and evergreen trees. Richly detailed log cabin homes have illuminated windows and lampposts, and a scene of holiday revelers includes carolers, snow skiers, and ice skaters that "skate" around a Christmas tree. The volume adjusts with the turn of a dial. Requires three AAA batteries. 8" H x 10" L x 6" D. (5-1/4 lbs.)
Be still, my beating heart.
Here's a Colonial tradition that has yet to take hold over here on the curmudgeonly side of the pond: 'yard art' … er …
We'll start with one that would suit my own Scroogey tendencies:
Freeze & Heat Miser Yard Art - $69.99Though this metal yard art doesn't feature your usual Santa, snowman or reindeer, these colorful figures are sure to bring back memories! (er … memories of what? Drunken nightmares? Bad trips?) The hammered-steel Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art displays represent two key characters from the classic 1974 animated movie. Each "miser" metal yard art comes with a stake-in floodlight holder and halogen floodlight bulb to illuminate him at night. When ordering Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art, please specify: Heat Miser or Snow Miser.
Benefits of the Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art:
* Sturdy metal yard art can be used for many years
* Metal yard art includes spotlight for nighttime illumination
* Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art folds for easy storage
If that doesn't float your boat, how about terrifying passers-by with an animated moose?
Christmas Moose Yard Art - $119.99Add a delightful woodsy touch to your holiday landscape with the Christmas Moose Animated Yard Art. Slowing moving his head side to side, this large moose sculpture is all decked out for the holidays with sparkling lights and a ribbon-trimmed wreath around his neck. Equally impressive both day and night, the Christmas Moose Animated Yard Art is wrapped in brown acrylic strands to intensify the brightness of the 250 clear mini-lights within. The lighted moose sculpture has a powder-coated metal frame, and measures 4-feet long and over 3-feet tall.
I'm almost tempted, but for those who want the true spirit of Christmas (Christmas with 'Christ' in it), how about the very reasonably priced and actually quite pretty:
Holy Family Yard Art - $29.97Like windowpanes of stained glass, this holiday yard art glows with jewel-like colors when lit from behind by 50 clear mini-lights. This striking outdoor Christmas decor has a PVC surface that glistens for daytime elegance as well. Yard art panel is 19-1/4"W x 2"D x 36"H with 30" cord; metal stands and end-to-end connectors make set-up easy.
Benefits of the Stained Glass Yard Art:
* This inspirational holiday yard art has the look of stained glass
* Glitter-gel outdoor Christmas decor is durable and weather-resistant.
Plus, of course, your Mary, Joseph and Jesus are conveniently and unfeasibly white (with lovely high-lighted hair), so there's no danger of your yard art being snatched by the military and flown via Diego Garcia to an exotic destination for a water-boarding, electric shock and sexual humiliation interrogation vacation, unlike any of your neighbours' yard art that might feature a Holy Family with Middle-Eastern features.
And for those of us who love a bit of stuffing with our Christmas dinner:
Stuffable Christmas Characters - $19.99Almost (almost?) -life-size Winter characters will bring a smile to anyone's face! Stuff him with newspapers (for indoor use), or plastic grocery bags (for outdoor use) and set him up in any position...on your front doorstep or in your easy chair! "Unstuff' to store flat. 100% nylon taffeta (parachute material). Comes with all "clothing" and accessories shown. 6" stuffing opening has hook-and-loop closure. About 5' tall stuffed. Imported.
For anyone with a penchant for the inflatable, here's something that would be exceedingly unwise to own in a nation with no gun control:
Singing Santa Inflatable Decor - $99.99Motion-activated 5' inflatable Santa sings and dances up a storm to "Let it Snow" as the lighted 50's-style Crosley jukebox plays.
Even his mouth moves! (Woohoo!) This delightful inflatable decoration is made of durable PVC fabric and inflates in seconds; includes fan, ground stakes, and 6-1/2" cord. The inflatable Santa will start to move and sing when his built-in sensor is triggered by movement from up to 3 feet away.
Benefits of the Singing Santa with Jukebox Inflatable Decoration:
* Inflatable Santa dances and waves while singing along to the music
* Lighted inflatable Christmas decoration is easy to use -- just plug it in
* Use this colorful inflatable decoration outdoors or in; action and music are triggered when motion is detected.
At last! Something in the Skymall Christmas range that I might buy myself (were I to relocate to the US where such things are acceptable to society):
Peanuts Nativity Set - $279.99Our large Peanuts Nativity Set recreates the classic Christmas pageant scene from "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Impressively-sized display (stable is 42-1/2"H) makes an enchanting way to express the spirit of Christmas. The 7-piece set is crafted of brightly-colored hammered metal, and each figure has an easel back for easy setup indoors or out. Includes 2 UL-listed floodlight sets (holder/bulb) for nighttime viewing, plus ground stakes. Figures range from 15"H to 28-3/4"H.
A Christmas without Skymall would be a very dull affair indeed.
I'm off to polish my Thomas Kinkade 'Animated Holiday Tree'.
Toodle Pip!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Why I Eat Reindeer Meat
Aww crap …
IT is back.
Yesterday, while I was so busy I didn't have a moment to reach for a gun, the girls decorated my office.
Bastards!
And, like Doctor Evil only furrier - and considerably more evil - my nemesis has returned.
IT is back.
Yesterday, while I was so busy I didn't have a moment to reach for a gun, the girls decorated my office.
Bastards!
And, like Doctor Evil only furrier - and considerably more evil - my nemesis has returned.
Yes, it's the fucking singing reindeer.Again …
Over the years I've tried abducting the smegger, burning it and throwing it in the Thames, but Genevieve must have a stock of the damned things hidden away somewhere because it has returned, zombie-like to haunt me once again. An undead singing reindeer.
Knowing how much I hate it the girls take great, squealy, giggly pleasure in setting the stupid thing off whenever they pass, running away and leaving me to suffer "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" sung into a tin can by some drunken, elderly American.
The whole damned thing!
Verses of it!
Over and over again.
The accurséd monster has no OFF switch.
Grr …
Any of you strange enough to have hung around here for the past three-and-a-half years will know that I don't do Christmas. No decorations. No tree. No inedible 'festive' non-food. No crap TV. No Christmas parties. No unwise sexual encounters with binge-drinking secretaries. And only the occasional unfortunate hand-knitted sweater.
I am an unreconstituted curmudgeon and therefore an easy target for the unneccessarily festive admin staff (who obviously have no bloody work to do).
I just know that when I die they will bury me with the fucking singing reindeer in my coffin.
Christmas?Bah!
Humbug!
Friday, December 11, 2009
500 Words IXX - This Week's Sentence
As 'tis the season, this week’s sentence is taken from one of Charles Dickens’ many delightful Christmas Books: The Chimes (A Goblin Story).
The sentence is:
‘A lamentable instance, Mr. Fish.’
Wrap a piece of tinsel around your pen and get writing.
I'll collect up your stories ready for next Thursday's Story Time post.
If any newbies fancy joining in, the rules are over here (click on the link and scroll down the sidebar).
The sentence is:
‘A lamentable instance, Mr. Fish.’
Wrap a piece of tinsel around your pen and get writing.
I'll collect up your stories ready for next Thursday's Story Time post.
If any newbies fancy joining in, the rules are over here (click on the link and scroll down the sidebar).
Thursday, December 10, 2009
500 Words XVIII - Story Time
Arthur Rackham and J.M. Barrie inspired something special in Todd this week, so settle down in your saggiest and most comfortable armchair by a roaring log fire, wiggle your toasty-warm toes, take a sip of hot cocoa and slip into his world.
This week's sentence was taken from J.M. Barrie's 'Peter Pan In Kensington Gardens'.
The sentence was:
'There is almost nothing that has such a keen sense of fun as a fallen leaf'.
Todd's 'Lucinda's Flight'
Utterly beautiful and charming, Todd draws us, wide-eyed into a world of wonder.
Magical and masterly.
I love this story.
Dive's 'Warm Brown Life'
After Todd's fabulous flight of fancy, this is just a walk in the park with Old Dive on a November lunchtime.
Next week's sentence will be up tomorrow.
Shh!
Listen …
Can you hear the faint jingling of bells?
Oh, crap; Christmas is coming to 500 Words!
This week's sentence was taken from J.M. Barrie's 'Peter Pan In Kensington Gardens'.
The sentence was:
'There is almost nothing that has such a keen sense of fun as a fallen leaf'.
Todd's 'Lucinda's Flight'
Utterly beautiful and charming, Todd draws us, wide-eyed into a world of wonder.
Magical and masterly.
I love this story.
Dive's 'Warm Brown Life'
After Todd's fabulous flight of fancy, this is just a walk in the park with Old Dive on a November lunchtime.
Next week's sentence will be up tomorrow.
Shh!
Listen …
Can you hear the faint jingling of bells?
Oh, crap; Christmas is coming to 500 Words!
Monday, December 07, 2009
WTF Lundi
Not so much a WTF Monday this week as a WOAH, NELLIE! Übercool Monday.
Katie and I spotted this on a stroll along the Seine one evening.
Yes, slavering boytoy fans, it is indeed a 1960s Amphicar (note the exhaust pipe way up near the tailfins), the coolest ever amphibious veehickle! Sitting there, cute as a button on its launching ramp.
Woohoo!
I looked into it some more and here is what I found. (if you click on the link there are photos, but here is the text)
The amphicar in Paris is owned by Undersea Architect and visionary Jacques Rougerie. Its a 1964 and he has had it for about 15 years.
It was restored in France, with all of the parts being purchased from Hugh Gordon in California. Jacques and I have cruised the Champs-Elysee many times in it, but Ive yet to take it in the Seine. It has some very unique cleats above the front wheel wells. I have no idea where they came from, but they look great.
The boat that it sits on is a Pineche, or French river barge that has been converted to his home and office. Inside, he has an aquarium full of lake sturgeon which you can actually dive into and hang out in a bell. The rest of Jaques daily life is equally as interesting.
Totally fucking cool or what!
Katie and I spotted this on a stroll along the Seine one evening.Yes, slavering boytoy fans, it is indeed a 1960s Amphicar (note the exhaust pipe way up near the tailfins), the coolest ever amphibious veehickle! Sitting there, cute as a button on its launching ramp.
Woohoo!
I looked into it some more and here is what I found. (if you click on the link there are photos, but here is the text)
The amphicar in Paris is owned by Undersea Architect and visionary Jacques Rougerie. Its a 1964 and he has had it for about 15 years.
It was restored in France, with all of the parts being purchased from Hugh Gordon in California. Jacques and I have cruised the Champs-Elysee many times in it, but Ive yet to take it in the Seine. It has some very unique cleats above the front wheel wells. I have no idea where they came from, but they look great.
The boat that it sits on is a Pineche, or French river barge that has been converted to his home and office. Inside, he has an aquarium full of lake sturgeon which you can actually dive into and hang out in a bell. The rest of Jaques daily life is equally as interesting.
Totally fucking cool or what!
Friday, December 04, 2009
500 Words XVIII - This Week's Sentence
After last week's frenzy of looting and pillage, kindly allow me to set a slightly trickier sentence to test your skills, and one definitely suited to the season.
I've taken this from my lovely Arthur Rackham illustrated edition of J.M. Barrie's 'Peter Pan In Kensington Gardens', the precursor to 'Peter Pan And Wendy' which we all know and love.
The sentence is:
'There is almost nothing that has such a keen sense of fun as a fallen leaf'.
To inspire you further and draw you in to the færie world, here - lovingly (and carefully) scanned in by yours truly - is Rackham's beautiful original illustration for this week's sentence.
I've taken this from my lovely Arthur Rackham illustrated edition of J.M. Barrie's 'Peter Pan In Kensington Gardens', the precursor to 'Peter Pan And Wendy' which we all know and love.
The sentence is:
'There is almost nothing that has such a keen sense of fun as a fallen leaf'.
To inspire you further and draw you in to the færie world, here - lovingly (and carefully) scanned in by yours truly - is Rackham's beautiful original illustration for this week's sentence.Do click on it to enjoy it at a somewhat larger size.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
500 Words - XVII - Story Time
Right!
Put your kettles on. Let's brew up a nice cup of coffee and settle down to enjoy some storytelling.
This week's sentence was taken from Émile Zola's laugh-a-minute 'Germinal'.
It was:
"So, you fancy going over the road for a bit of looting and pillage?"
Shazza came out of the starting blocks so quickly she had written and posted her story within hours!
Here it is, and it's a doozy.
Shazza's 'Crog And Titus'
A splendidly silly and yet very clever take on the upcoming season from our latest 500 Words newbie, Shazza.
More, please!
Vanda's 'A Day In The Country'
Trying not to give too much away all I'll say is get over there now and revel in Vanda's take on perception and reality.
Existentialism made entertaining and funny. What's not to love?
Dive's 'Dungeons And Dragons'
I have not the remotest idea where this one came from. I do, however, greatly admire the small triumphs of the downtrodden so once it had written itself I rather enjoyed reading it.
Any latecomers will get posted here as and when. In the meantime, the next sentence will be up tomorrow.
Put your kettles on. Let's brew up a nice cup of coffee and settle down to enjoy some storytelling.
This week's sentence was taken from Émile Zola's laugh-a-minute 'Germinal'.
It was:
"So, you fancy going over the road for a bit of looting and pillage?"
Shazza came out of the starting blocks so quickly she had written and posted her story within hours!
Here it is, and it's a doozy.
Shazza's 'Crog And Titus'
A splendidly silly and yet very clever take on the upcoming season from our latest 500 Words newbie, Shazza.
More, please!
Vanda's 'A Day In The Country'
Trying not to give too much away all I'll say is get over there now and revel in Vanda's take on perception and reality.
Existentialism made entertaining and funny. What's not to love?
Dive's 'Dungeons And Dragons'
I have not the remotest idea where this one came from. I do, however, greatly admire the small triumphs of the downtrodden so once it had written itself I rather enjoyed reading it.
Any latecomers will get posted here as and when. In the meantime, the next sentence will be up tomorrow.
Monday, November 30, 2009
WTF Monday
Yesterday, being the fourth Sunday before Christmas, saw the advent of … er … Advent, so here's a tasteful Parisian window display to wish my Christian friends a Happy New Liturgical Year (woohoo and Halleliuia) and in hope that the season brings you joy and reflection, thankfulness and praise in celebration of the birth of the man who taught us that compassion and love are not necessarily bad things.
For the rest of you, it is now officially open season on chocolate and time for the start of the annual sickening orgy of greed, gluttony, waste, binge-drinking, depravity, silly hats, bickering, disastrous dating decisions, wretched family gatherings filled with arguments and loathing, execrable TV, misguided lust, hideous hand-made sweaters, excruciating office parties, crappy unwanted gifts, unwise sexual couplings, hellish hangovers, appallingly bad music, tacky festive decorations, monumental hypocrisy, seething resentment and bitter remorse.
Enjoy!
Friday, November 27, 2009
500 Words - XVII - This Week's Sentence
This week's sentence is taken from Émile Zola's laugh-a-minute 'Germinal'.
It is:
"So, you fancy going over the road for a bit of looting and pillage?"
Have fun with it. I've already started mine.
It is:
"So, you fancy going over the road for a bit of looting and pillage?"
Have fun with it. I've already started mine.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
500 Words XVI - Story Time
This week’s sentence was taken from ‘American Notes’ by Charles Dickens.
The sentence was:
"He had ordered 'wheat-bread and chicken fixings,' in preference to 'corn-bread and common doings'."
Brew up a coffee and pull up a chair; here are the stories so far:
Katherine's 'Dining Alone, Sir?'
This week, Katherine gets weird, wonderful and strangely chicken-fixated.
Dive's 'Passing Through'
Mackinson the happy hitman is back again. And this time he's hungry.
Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to all across the pond!
Enjoy!
The sentence was:
"He had ordered 'wheat-bread and chicken fixings,' in preference to 'corn-bread and common doings'."
Brew up a coffee and pull up a chair; here are the stories so far:
Katherine's 'Dining Alone, Sir?'
This week, Katherine gets weird, wonderful and strangely chicken-fixated.
Dive's 'Passing Through'
Mackinson the happy hitman is back again. And this time he's hungry.
Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to all across the pond!
Enjoy!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Meanwhile, 100 Years Ago …
Do click on this for fuller appreciation of the splendid penmanship. Cartoonists just don't seem to bother these days … sigh.
Anyhoo, I knew there was a reason I'd collected all those old Punch magazines: they make great fodder for caption competitions.
Yes, I know I am sick but I couldn't resist.
The original caption for this one read:
Grannie (anxious to be allowed to read in peace): "And what are you going to do now, my dear?"
Elizabeth: Well, Grannie, I've thought it over, and I've decided to devote myself to you till bedtime."
Don'tcha just love kids?
Me neither.
And this one doesn't even bother to explain to her grandmother just what she's doing skinning a puppy on the hearth.
Hey ho.
Any better captions gratefully received and giggled at.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
What's Cooking With Dive? - Kedgeree
Hoorah for kedgeree, the true breakfast of champions!
Or at least hoorah for the breakfast of the luxuriantly-moustachioed colonial exploiters who ruled the Raj for centuries with a splendid mélange of silly hats and sickening violence.
This is what their Indian servants and cooks would have served up to them at breakfast time, as the sun rose over the Empire after a night of debauchery and curry.
Basically it is the most awesome way ever devised to use up leftover Basmati rice, though for today's post I shall be cooking it from scratch.
So, to commence: for authenticity's sake, we shall first head for the nineteenth century Kashmiri inkstand that serves as my spice rack.
And from it we shall purloin, to whit:
About yay much (look at the picture to gauge amounts) coriander seed,
Ditto cumin seeds,
a bunch of green cardamom pods,
and a teensy-weensy bit of star anise.
It's been a while since I've had a ranty cooking aside (check the early cookery posts for some real doozy swearfests if that's your thang) so it's about time I went off on one about spices and alleged curry mixes.
For this curry I am using the few spices in the photo above, plus I'll add a little turmeric and black pepper once the liquid goes in.
All I'll do is dry-fry them until the air turns toasty and delicious, then pound the crap out of them in a pestle and mortar, sieve them and add a few drops of water …
and THAT'S IT.
Not exactly rocket science. It takes less time than it does to pick your nose and have a really good scratch. It is really, REALLY therapeutic, plus the aroma is to die for.
And yet - for reasons beyond my ken - some people still insist on opening a jar of curry paste.
Do bear with me here; I am straining every sinew not to get sweary.
Just do this mental exercise with me.
Please.
In the palm of your left hand picture the few spices in the photo.
Making them into a curry paste takes not much more than a minute and is pure pleasure from start to finish.
In the palm of your right hand, try to picture this: (I photographed the ingredients list from a well-known brand of posh curry paste. This was one of the better ones, with no smegging MSG in it, yet it still gives me the creeping horrors):
Water - fair enough; I add a few drops to my spices to make a paste;
Vegetable Oil - hang on a minute … The second largest ingredient is oil? Eww!
Gram Flour - Er … why? It's for making chapatis, NOT curry paste;
Concentrated tomato purée - Somebody please tell me there are some spices in this!
Salt - For fuck's sake! We've not had any curry spices yet.
Sugar - Okay; I give up.
Ginger - at last! A real ingredient!
Maize Flour- Aww crap.
Coriander (3%) - THREE FUCKING PERCENT!
Turmeric,
Cumin, - At last - right down the bottom: some tiny traces of spice.
Acetic acid - and … er … acid.
Chili,
Spices (contains mustard) - Whoop-de-fucking-doo!
Lemon Juice,
Garlic,
Black Pepper,
Cracked Coriander Seeds,
Dried Coriander Leaf,
Onion powder,
Dessicated Coconut,
Garlic Powder, Tamarind,
Lactic Acid … Mmmm … Lactic acid. How could I have forgotten that.
All that. In your hand. Now which one would you rather put in your curry?
Tell me, honestly.
Sheesh!
Making proper curries in the kitchen is child's play. Here's a link to another one if you want to try it. It's great!
Don't EVER let me find you using a jar of fucking curry paste. I've got a curry-covered spatula here and I'll not hesitate to use it!
Anyhoo … Let's get back in the kitchen and make a real kedgeree. Not one full of oil, flour and salt with three (count 'em … three) percent coriander. Sheesh!
Kedgeree's a fish curry and the best fish for it is undyed smoked haddock.
Here's a nice piece.
Stick a few bayleaves on it and then cover it in boiling water and leave it to steep for five minutes.
When it's done, save the water (it's a pretty basic fish stock) and simply flake the flesh off the skin with a fork, taking out any pinbones as you do - though there should be none if it's been filleted properly and mine was (thanks, David).
Surprise, surprise, it's Old Dive's chopping board with an organic onion and some yummy French purple garlic on it.
Now where have we seen that before? Yeah, yeah … just about every darned cookery post. Hey ho. Onion and garlic are good for you and they taste delicious, so there! Plus they are essential ingredients here.
Melt a nice knob of unsalted Irish butter in pan together with your onion and garlic. Turn the heat right down and let them go soft.
Add about blah much organic Basmati rice (if you need to measure rice you shouldn't be reading this … just put in as much as you need).
Add the home-made curry paste and some yummy turmeric (according to all the medical journals over here, the latest wonder food in the fight against cancer, so eat lots).
Now put on Bob Marley and The Wailers' 'Stir It Up' and follow his instructions for a couple of minutes … "Stir it up, little darling, stir it up … etc."
When it's looking like all the rice grains are nicely coated, whap up the heat and add the fish stock you made earlier and hopefully didn't pour down the sink.
Add just enough to cover the rice and it should be fine. Keep a little back in case it dries too quick but it shouldn't.
An alternative way to make this is to use leftover Basmati rice that's been in the fridge overnight. It's just as good but you don't need so much stock.
Anyhoo, this method is for making it from scratch as I tend to eat up all my rice like a good boy.
Once the stock is bubbling, reduce it for around eight minutes.
While that's reducing, shell and quarter the medium-boiled eggs I forgot to tell you to cook before you start any of this. Then put 'em on a plate to wait their turn.
When the stock is nicely reducing, stir in flaked haddock together with a handful of peas and some parsley.
Then cover the pan and simmer for four or five minutes until the rice is tender and has absorbed the liquid.
Take the pan off the heat, dot the rice with a few ickle bitties of butter, leave for a minute then give it a last stir to glaze it.
Dish it up, add the eggs and serve with lashings of mango chutney and lemon/lime wedges if you have guests.
If you're me and guestless, pig the whole damned lot and then lie back and grin.
Enjoy!
Or at least hoorah for the breakfast of the luxuriantly-moustachioed colonial exploiters who ruled the Raj for centuries with a splendid mélange of silly hats and sickening violence.This is what their Indian servants and cooks would have served up to them at breakfast time, as the sun rose over the Empire after a night of debauchery and curry.
Basically it is the most awesome way ever devised to use up leftover Basmati rice, though for today's post I shall be cooking it from scratch.
So, to commence: for authenticity's sake, we shall first head for the nineteenth century Kashmiri inkstand that serves as my spice rack.
And from it we shall purloin, to whit:About yay much (look at the picture to gauge amounts) coriander seed,
Ditto cumin seeds,
a bunch of green cardamom pods,
and a teensy-weensy bit of star anise.
It's been a while since I've had a ranty cooking aside (check the early cookery posts for some real doozy swearfests if that's your thang) so it's about time I went off on one about spices and alleged curry mixes.
For this curry I am using the few spices in the photo above, plus I'll add a little turmeric and black pepper once the liquid goes in.
All I'll do is dry-fry them until the air turns toasty and delicious, then pound the crap out of them in a pestle and mortar, sieve them and add a few drops of water …
and THAT'S IT.
Not exactly rocket science. It takes less time than it does to pick your nose and have a really good scratch. It is really, REALLY therapeutic, plus the aroma is to die for.
And yet - for reasons beyond my ken - some people still insist on opening a jar of curry paste.
Do bear with me here; I am straining every sinew not to get sweary.
Just do this mental exercise with me.
Please.
In the palm of your left hand picture the few spices in the photo.
Making them into a curry paste takes not much more than a minute and is pure pleasure from start to finish.
In the palm of your right hand, try to picture this: (I photographed the ingredients list from a well-known brand of posh curry paste. This was one of the better ones, with no smegging MSG in it, yet it still gives me the creeping horrors):
Water - fair enough; I add a few drops to my spices to make a paste;
Vegetable Oil - hang on a minute … The second largest ingredient is oil? Eww!
Gram Flour - Er … why? It's for making chapatis, NOT curry paste;
Concentrated tomato purée - Somebody please tell me there are some spices in this!
Salt - For fuck's sake! We've not had any curry spices yet.
Sugar - Okay; I give up.
Ginger - at last! A real ingredient!
Maize Flour- Aww crap.
Coriander (3%) - THREE FUCKING PERCENT!
Turmeric,
Cumin, - At last - right down the bottom: some tiny traces of spice.
Acetic acid - and … er … acid.
Chili,
Spices (contains mustard) - Whoop-de-fucking-doo!
Lemon Juice,
Garlic,
Black Pepper,
Cracked Coriander Seeds,
Dried Coriander Leaf,
Onion powder,
Dessicated Coconut,
Garlic Powder, Tamarind,
Lactic Acid … Mmmm … Lactic acid. How could I have forgotten that.
All that. In your hand. Now which one would you rather put in your curry?
Tell me, honestly.
Sheesh!
Making proper curries in the kitchen is child's play. Here's a link to another one if you want to try it. It's great!
Don't EVER let me find you using a jar of fucking curry paste. I've got a curry-covered spatula here and I'll not hesitate to use it!
Anyhoo … Let's get back in the kitchen and make a real kedgeree. Not one full of oil, flour and salt with three (count 'em … three) percent coriander. Sheesh!
Kedgeree's a fish curry and the best fish for it is undyed smoked haddock.Here's a nice piece.
Stick a few bayleaves on it and then cover it in boiling water and leave it to steep for five minutes.
When it's done, save the water (it's a pretty basic fish stock) and simply flake the flesh off the skin with a fork, taking out any pinbones as you do - though there should be none if it's been filleted properly and mine was (thanks, David).
Surprise, surprise, it's Old Dive's chopping board with an organic onion and some yummy French purple garlic on it.Now where have we seen that before? Yeah, yeah … just about every darned cookery post. Hey ho. Onion and garlic are good for you and they taste delicious, so there! Plus they are essential ingredients here.
Melt a nice knob of unsalted Irish butter in pan together with your onion and garlic. Turn the heat right down and let them go soft.
Add about blah much organic Basmati rice (if you need to measure rice you shouldn't be reading this … just put in as much as you need).Add the home-made curry paste and some yummy turmeric (according to all the medical journals over here, the latest wonder food in the fight against cancer, so eat lots).
Now put on Bob Marley and The Wailers' 'Stir It Up' and follow his instructions for a couple of minutes … "Stir it up, little darling, stir it up … etc."
When it's looking like all the rice grains are nicely coated, whap up the heat and add the fish stock you made earlier and hopefully didn't pour down the sink.Add just enough to cover the rice and it should be fine. Keep a little back in case it dries too quick but it shouldn't.
An alternative way to make this is to use leftover Basmati rice that's been in the fridge overnight. It's just as good but you don't need so much stock.
Anyhoo, this method is for making it from scratch as I tend to eat up all my rice like a good boy.
Once the stock is bubbling, reduce it for around eight minutes.
While that's reducing, shell and quarter the medium-boiled eggs I forgot to tell you to cook before you start any of this. Then put 'em on a plate to wait their turn.
When the stock is nicely reducing, stir in flaked haddock together with a handful of peas and some parsley.
Then cover the pan and simmer for four or five minutes until the rice is tender and has absorbed the liquid.
Take the pan off the heat, dot the rice with a few ickle bitties of butter, leave for a minute then give it a last stir to glaze it.
Dish it up, add the eggs and serve with lashings of mango chutney and lemon/lime wedges if you have guests.If you're me and guestless, pig the whole damned lot and then lie back and grin.
Enjoy!
Friday, November 20, 2009
500 Words XVI - This Week's Sentence
This week’s sentence is taken from ‘American Notes’ by Charles Dickens.
The sentence is:
"He had ordered 'wheat-bread and chicken fixings,' in preference to 'corn-bread and common doings'."
Sounds like my kind of menu.
You know the rules.
Have fun with it!
Oh, news just in: Vanda's got a great new story which I've appended to yesterday's post. Pop back and check it out!
The sentence is:
"He had ordered 'wheat-bread and chicken fixings,' in preference to 'corn-bread and common doings'."
Sounds like my kind of menu.
You know the rules.
Have fun with it!
Oh, news just in: Vanda's got a great new story which I've appended to yesterday's post. Pop back and check it out!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
500 Words XV - Story Time
D'oh!
Only one story this week, and that's from me.
I had half expected a few rollicking pirate tales (what with the wooden leg) and some good old 'aarrgh's and 'heave-ho me hearties', but twas not to be.
Hey ho, as Captain Jack probably wouldn't have said.
This week's sentence was taken from Gustave Flaubert's 'Madame Bovary.'
It was:
'They heard in the passage the sharp noise of a wooden leg on the boards.'
Here's mine:
Dive's 'Call Me Matron'
Regrettably, nary a pirate in sight. I do, however, love the words 'scrimshaw' and 'fantod'.
Next week's sentence will be up and about tomorrow morning. If anything, it's even odder than this week's.
Woah!
Stop the press!
Vanda's back in Paris for a glorious mélange of two weeks' assignments rolled in to one.
Vanda's 'Literary Aspirations'
The best deconstruction of Flaubert you're ever likely to read and a great cast of supporting characters.
Awesome!
Only one story this week, and that's from me.
I had half expected a few rollicking pirate tales (what with the wooden leg) and some good old 'aarrgh's and 'heave-ho me hearties', but twas not to be.
Hey ho, as Captain Jack probably wouldn't have said.
This week's sentence was taken from Gustave Flaubert's 'Madame Bovary.'
It was:
'They heard in the passage the sharp noise of a wooden leg on the boards.'
Here's mine:
Dive's 'Call Me Matron'
Regrettably, nary a pirate in sight. I do, however, love the words 'scrimshaw' and 'fantod'.
Next week's sentence will be up and about tomorrow morning. If anything, it's even odder than this week's.
Woah!
Stop the press!
Vanda's back in Paris for a glorious mélange of two weeks' assignments rolled in to one.
Vanda's 'Literary Aspirations'
The best deconstruction of Flaubert you're ever likely to read and a great cast of supporting characters.
Awesome!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Park Life
It's a walk in the park.
I do like that phrase as a euphemism for something that's as easy as … well … a walk in the park.
I do like that phrase as a euphemism for something that's as easy as … well … a walk in the park.
This was Monday lunchtime. Regrettably, two weeks of storms had stripped the trees of most of their prettiest leaves but the place is still so gorgeous that even a glimpse of the Parasite House cannot spoil the mood.
I promise I've not tweaked any of the colours or saturation on any of these photos; they're just as they came out of the camera.This metasequoia glyptostroboides (I love that name) is even more extreme in full sunlight. You can check it in my old Park Life posts from a few Novembers ago. Awesome!
This year I just missed its glory, thanks to the poxy weather.
Hey ho. It's still pretty though.
Down the lake to Horse Guards, the Foreign and Commonwealth Office and the Eye.Sweet.
Some parts of London have still got it.
Parks are for strolling.St.James's Park (as you should all know by now) is my favourite lunchtime haunt.
Come stroll with me.
As I said earlier, the storms left us very little to look at, but plane trees make for decent eye candy at any time of the year.
Yowza!This is what lunchtimes in November are all about.
Beech trees. Yay!They hang on to their leaves like a miser; even more Scrooge-like than the little oak in the foreground.
And talking of leaves …The state of my shoes when I got back to the office testifies to the fun I had kicking my way through the drifts in the park.
Mostly horse chestnut and plane, this lot.
The squirrel up near the top left was hassling passers-by for their lunch.
On a day like this only a moron would eat lunch in the office.I popped up Regent Street to Piccadilly and grabbed teriyaki chicken, then ate it right here on a bench.
Er …Actually she was halfway to a yoga position.
I think it's "the crab", named after how crabby you bet when you put your back out.
Inevitably …
So … Maybe the storms of November will let me get some good autumn leaves photos next year. They rather spoiled it this time around but at least a walk in the park is always a great way to spend a lunch break.Toodle Pip!
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