Friday, November 30, 2007

A Last Touch Of Autumn

Leftover photos from yesterday's walkabout in Norwich.
This is the mediæval Guildhall at the north end of the marketplace.
The little tree in front of it is gamely holding on to the last dregs of autumn while the Christmas market stalls to the right herald the start of a whole bunch of winter arse.


City Hall from yesterday's post now fulfills the function of the Guildhall, which has become a small museum and some tacky shops.


But hey, it's still beautiful, and as Phil pointed out in yesterday's comments, is contrasted nicely with City Hall itself, whose clock tower you can see peeking over the Guildhall roof.


I couldn't resist these little buggers, crapping all over the east window of Saint Peter Mancroft at the opposite end of the marketplace.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

In Defence Of City Hall

Our lovely Joy, over at Norwich Daily Photo posted a photo of City Hall yesterday and used the words "ugly" and "square" when describing it (okay, Joy, so you did say the inside is a bit special, but I'm fishing around for a subject to post about here … you can slap me on Saturday over coffee).
One of her commenters even called it "architecturally moribund"!

This is City Hall earlier this morning with part of the Christmas Market in front of it.

As it cannot defend itself (and lamentably, the majority of Norwich residents hold equally philistine views on it) I am forced to leap, somewhat pedantically and boringly, to its defence.

Here's what I wrote in Joy's comment box yesterday (you can really tell I couldn't think of anything to post about today, can't you?):

"Oh, Joy. You really must go inside and explore. The place is an Art Deco masterpiece!

First up: Nikolaus Pevsner (THE MAN where architectural history is concerned) described this as “the foremost English public building between the wars”, and rightly so.

In an era of austerity it was proposed to build a “national monument” and after fierce competition between the country’s architects, Atkinson, James and Robert-Pierce won the commission and gave us this magnificent, almost brutal masterpiece, glaring across the marketplace at the splendid Norman castle on the opposite promontory.

It has the longest balcony in England (which was used to glorious effect at the recent Remembrance Day Service) and the bell (known as Great George) in the austere yet beautiful clock tower has the deepest tone of any in East Anglia.

On the down side, Hitler greatly admired it and intended it as a seat of government should the Nazis manage to invade.

But it is inside where the building truly shines.
Enter through the monumental bronze doors - depicting Norwich history - and you are in an art deco wonderland. Fabulous rooms with marble and bronze detailing and stunningly realised sculptures abound.

City Hall is a much maligned building in a Norwich obsessed with its - admittedly glorious - mediæval past, but is has its own serene beauty and I love it."

And I'm an Architect … so there!


Anyhoo … I was meandering about the city as it is such a lovely day and I found that the streets all around the centre and the mediæval marketplace have been transformed into a Christmas Market.

Very festive, but how come all the fruit doesn't roll down St. Peters' Hill? I couldn't figure that one.

And (sorry, Joy; I know you want to post this, too) Royal Arcade is all festive, too.
I don't know … I'm beginning to feel my grinch-gland itching. We may well have some sweary Scrooge-fest posts closer to the event.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Toilet Talk

Wandering around Blogville, peeking in people's doorways and listening at windows, one discovers all manner of weirdness. David Lynch has nothing on you guys.

For instance, fresh after the success of Tuna Noodle Casserole Week, our Robyn has embarked upon a week of toilet-themed blogging. Which goes to show that National Blog Posting Month can effect even the most outwardly sane of our little community.

Anyhoo … Young Robyn has set a competition which I, with my obvious encyclopædic knowledge of fæcal gallimaufry am forbidden to enter.
It's down to you lot.

As I am deprived of that joyous task I will don my pedant's hat and trump Robyn's earliest plumbed toilet reference by taking her back to 3,000 years BC and beyond, to the dusty plains of the Indus, fed from the Himalayan snows, and to the fair and non-smelly ancient city of Mohenjo-Daro.

The excavations there have so far revealed a remarkably advanced civilisation. A sizeable city, planned with a street layout aligned to allow the prevailing winds to cool the houses in the summer months; nice houses built around courtyards and - get this, Robyn - "water was piped to all but the poorest houses; bathrooms and latrines were connected to an efficient sewerage system; and the street drainage system was more advanced and complete than any known to ancient civilisations and to many modern ones".

Spiffy, huh?

They even had manhole covers so they could unblock all the crap.

Having lived there happily for several thousand years, the Indus then changed its course around 1700 BC and the happy, clean-bottomed folk of Mohenjo-Daro were fucked.
By the Aryans, who moved in from Northern Afghanistan and gave us our modern Indo-Aryan languages; everything from Sanskrit to English, but who couldn't flush a toilet to save their lives.

We didn't learn to flush toilets again until only a hundred and fifty years ago. Some people still don't seem to have developed the skill.

Draw from this what lessons you will.

Now wash your hands.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A Rich Black And Chocolate Flux With Spangles

Or "Why I Don't Use Babelfish For My Japanese Homework".

For anyone who missed it, Nathalie posted a lovely story yesterday.
The only problem for me was that she posted it in French and my French sucks. My feeble attempt at the language is more a strangled, gargling Franglais, unintelligible to anyone remotely garlicky.

So I ran her tale through Babelfish (which, as any fule kno, is the most incompetent translation software known to man) with hilarious results.
Pop over there - via the link above - and have a raucous chortle. It's in the comments box. Everybody needs a good laugh on a Tuesday.

Some of the highlights, translated from what is in fact a beautiful piece of poetic writing, are:
"To say what makes me vibrate.
I will take you along.
At the soft hour one will take the accommodation ladder, one will go up on the bridge to breathe the salt of the life.
You feel like the air of the night is made velvet?
Here it is my kingdom.
That where the hearts are untied, where the bodies open, where the large things are achieved.

A rich black and chocolate flux with spangles.
It is the paddle with the fingers of pink which will bring back for us
Ground of fire, will-o'-the-wisp, cow's milk, pigs, brooded Which odors will accomodate us, frangipanier, dried fish, gas oil spices spruce?
We will go to the meeting of these funny of others.

There are all these hands which are tightened in this letter box.
The treasures hidden at the bottom of you, Distend then tighten themselves with the wire of time.
One will be able always to hoist the large fabric and to click on our hyperlinks".

Read that slowly and with emphasis and it takes on its own kind of epic poetic madness.

So anyhoo … I was lying in the bath this morning thinking about Jesus (I know; I'm a Marxist and an Atheist, but I'm just kinky that way) and the idea popped into my tiny brain to run The Beatitudes through Babelfish.
And so, moist and naked enough to put you off your breakfast, I duly typed into Babelfish the beautiful words which Jesus used to kick off the sermon on the mount and translated them into Japanese …
Then translated them back again …

Here then - in italics - is probably the reason Christianity is not the major religion in Japan:

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
The pauper where mind is praised: These of for the sake of heaven that of the kingdom are.

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Being praised, you sigh que: You are consoled, for the sake of remain.

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
The gentleness which is praised: Those it receives the earth for the sake of and succeeds.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
And you were thirsty in justice and you praised this which pushing desires: That earth laid way of that.

Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Mercy it is deep, it was praised La: Way allowance is obtained, this.

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Clean the center is praised: Their ranges being attached, it meets to God.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
The signatory is praised: Way it is called the child of the God.

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Which is persecuted because of justice of the cause that being praised: These of for the sake of heaven that of the kingdom are.

And that's the reason I do not use Babelfish for my Japanese homework.

Happy Tuesday.

Great Ideas I've Discovered Too Late: No.1

Before you read this, pop on over to Norwich Daily Photo and take a peek at the three guys pictured there.

Did you see ?
What a great idea!
All three of those guys are even balder than baldy old me, yet their portrait photographs have been cropped across their foreheads so nobody can tell that they don't have a luxurious head of hair.
Brilliant!

Why the hell didn't I think of that before I started posting photos of myself?
What a useless tit I am.

Right … Let's cure my baldness!
Camera in hand …
Click!

I apologise for the unshaven appearance of my fat and ugly face, but I'm on leave and some mornings I just can't be arsed to drag a razor across it.

Exhibit 1: Me sitting here blogging with my baldiness on full display.

Exhibit 2: Photo suitable cropped. Me with a full head of hair! Woohoo!

So much more elegant than a comb-over, don't you think?
Now all I have to do is find a cure for ugliness …

Monday, November 26, 2007

I Love It When Girls Go "EEK!"

This one stems from yesterday's comments box.

Lynn: it's waiting for you.


You know you want to.
Resistance is futile!
Hee hee hee hee hee

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Advice For Elderly Musicians

I gave Vic some advice the other day:
"Never play pub gigs as a favour to old friends."

So where was I last night?
Yup; you guessed it …


I'll never learn.

What a pain in the butt pub gigs are.
The van picked me up at 5:30 in the afternoon and I didn't get home until 3:00AM,
Now I have a head full of stampeding cattle and my mouth tastes like the bottom of a zookeeper's boots.
I'm too old for this crap. My aches have aches.
This stuff is fucking heavy and has to be lugged up and down several flights of stairs.


For some reason Jann and SJ dressed as dominatrices. SJ had dyed her hair purple and got a bit carried away, and so arrived at the gig with purple ears and purple hands and finished the night with purple everything.


There was dog-vomiting.
There was binge drinking and girly-vomiting (this is North Norfolk).
There was fucking good fun and some great - if occasionally gloriously shambolic - music, but I can have both those things in the comfort of my own home.

And even worse, some twat video'd the debacle so there may be embarrassing YouTube links to follow.

Note to self: Follow your own good advice. It is there for a reason.
ONLY play studio sessions or big gigs where it is worth your while.
NEVER play pub gigs as a favour to old friends.

This has been a public service announcement.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Delightful Company

"I don't take a good photo." says Joy …

… Yeah, right!

People of Blogville, meet the face behind Norwich Daily Photo, Your Love Coach, and wonderful womens' website The Goddess In You.

Beautiful, devastatingly intelligent, funny, charming; the very lovely Joy.

Joy met Old Dive for coffee in the bookshop this morning.
We were supposed to be a foursome, but her husband quite reasonably refused to get out of bed at that unearthly hour and my brother Phil cried off as he is putting up a new fence (in this weather … Brrrr), so there were just the two of us.
But hey, if she'll excuse me saying so, having coffee with someone as smart and pretty as Joy is not exactly the most upsetting thing I have ever done.

Being a greedy pig I'd already had one breakfast, chatting away with Rugby Guy and munching the sweet sticky goodness of yet another festive mince tart and then Joy arrived and insisted (bless her) on paying for my second espresso.

Joy is instantly delightful company and we sat talking for an hour or so about all sorts of things (including you lot), then wandered across the city centre to Borders, remarking on the crap Christmas decorations we saw along the way.
When we left the coffee shop the cold slammed into us, the wind coming straight down from the arctic. Brrr!
By way of contrast Joy is going to spend the holidays in the Phillipines (where they do Christmas a lot better), among soft white sand and palm trees and warm blue skies, which kinda made me more than slightly jealous.

Norwich is a tiny city, so we'll probably do this again before long and maybe persuade Thom to get his ass out of bed one morning and Phil to finish his fence and come along, too. Photos will be posted.

Joy also has her own radio show on Future Radio, Norwich's community radio station, though their signal - like much else good in the world - doesn't reach out as far as my village, so I have a favour to ask you all.
Future Radio puts a lot of its shows out as podcasts, but not Joy's (at least not yet), so I ask the citizens of Blogville to help out Old Dive by emailing the radio station (their contact address is on the right hand side of the website on the link) and requesting that Joy's show (which is called "Usapang Pinoy") is added to their podcast list.
Do it now so you won't forget.
Cheers.

And thanks again to Joy for putting up with Old Dive.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Lazy Post

Well, it's that time of year again when all the American bloggers go missing. They're off stuffing their faces with turkey and crap and bickering with their families.
We don't do Thanksgiving over here, and my pictorial Thanksgiving post from last year says just about all I have to say on the subject.

I wonder if the surviving Native Americans celebrate "That's the last time we ever help anyone out again" day?

I have a lot to do today, and I really can't be bothered insulting Americans yet again, so rather than rant, I'll point you in the direction of one of the funniest things ever written: "Thanksgiving With The Dead (And A Chihuahua)" Sassy's strange day stuck in a David Lynch movie is still the best Thanksgiving story ever.
Enjoy.

And I suppose I'd better wish a Happy Thanksgiving to my Yankee blogpals.
Stuff yourselves silly, guys, then go steal some Native American land.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

My Head Still Hurts

I stole this from Robyn's blog; she had stolen it from somewhere else.

It appears to be a book list written by an American in that there are very few Classics and a whole bunch of stuff I wouldn't be seen dead reading.
But I'll fill it in anyway because I am grouchy and have a headache and am in the mood to get annoyed with Americans.


The following bit is simply copied and pasted from Robyn's blog so please excuse the missing "u" in colour:

Copy this list and

• Bold those books you’ve read.
• Italicize books you have started but couldn’t finish.
• Add an asterisk* to those you have read more than once.
• Underline those on your To Be Read list.
• Color the title red if you've seen the movie.
• Color the title green if you've seen the movie more than once.

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell
Crime and Punishment*
Catch-22*
One Hundred Years of Solitude*
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: A Novel
The Name of the Rose*
Don Quixote*
Moby Dick*
Ulysses*
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey*
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities*
The Brothers Karamazov*
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the Fates of Human Societies
War and Peace*
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad*
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations*
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales*
The Historian
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World*
The Fountainhead
Foucault’s Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath*
The Poisonwood Bible
1984*
Angels & Demons
Dante's Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest*
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles*
Oliver Twist*
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States: 1492-Present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners*
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five*
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita*
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye*
On the Road*
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
The Aeneid*
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit*
In Cold Blood
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield*
The Three Musketeers

I would write out a proper list but like I say, I'm grouchy and I really can't be arsed.
Nor can I bring my aching head round to remembering which of them I've seen movies of. Except for David Lean's lovely black and white Great Expectations.

Sorry for being a grouch.

No … you're right … I'm not sorry at all.

Crap Day Ahead

Ick …

Big meeting in Norwich today.
I've got my boss, her boss and the Big Boss all coming down from London to discuss the next major phase of works; a new sixth form centre.
Add to them six and a half feet of cranky headmistress, a matching pair of man-hating lesbian planning officers (who I get on with very well; but they REALLY hate my Big Boss), a schoolful of shrieking girls and a cracking headache that pounced on me first thing this morning and refuses to let go and the recipe for a stress-free, happy day is nowhere to be seen.

Crap.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Bwang

Mike's got a new toy!
Oh, before we get on to that, note the cool beer table he made from the spare tyres off his sports car with a piece of perforated metal on top.
Eat your hearts out, ladies; this is MAN'S furniture!

Anyhoo; Mike's new toy comes in a box.
It has an accessories bag with what looks to be a penis rest in it.

Woohoo!
Boys' Toys!
I waaaaaaant one!

Lucky guy.
Sharon bought him an "archery experience day" a while back and he got hooked.
Judging by the crop of bullseyes torn out of his target he's getting pretty good at it.

The latest cast member of radio's longest running soap.
Everybody sing "The Archers" theme tune.

Hmm … thinks Sharon … What have I done?

Cool, huh?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Why I've Not Done A Monday Melee Today

Whew!

I just got home from Mum's.
I've given her my old iMac as her original, cute little round G3 iMac was getting somewhat long in the tooth.
That's now retired to a corner of her bedroom so she can use it as a video jukebox, and my old one is now up and running in its place.

Mum's new toy.

After all the moaning I did about BT, I managed to get her online and email-able in a surprisingly short time. I only tore out a few hairs (not that I had that many to start with) and didn't even need to rend my garment in frustration.

So now I can get my big new iMac up into the studio and reclaim my dining table! Yaay!

And yes, the lamp is a Peahen original.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Don't Let Your Old Folks Do This

As you moaned last Sunday that I didn't post a photo of me playing with my geriatric friends in the studio, this week Jann took a couple, so suffer!
Here you go.
Disreputable old folks dicking around.

Remember, girls and boys; if you are a musician, do the decent thing and give it up at thirty. Otherwise you might end up like this.

Dive and Michael.
Handsomest men on the planet!

Clive, Dive and Michael play "Reelin' In The Years", but reel in the decades instead.

Relaxing downstairs (the big room under the studio).

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Breakfast Boredom

Here goes: I'm trying for the prize of most boring post of the year.

Saturdays. …
What a bunch of arse.

Most people love 'em, but for me they're simply a gateway to housework hell.
Because I get up in the middle of the night and don't get home until bedtime each weekday, I have to fit all of the shopping, washing, cleaning, dusting, polishing, gardening, lawn-mowing, car-cleaning, vacuuming, visiting, rehearsing, gigging, socialising and very, very occasionally a teensy bit of relaxing in front of an old black and white movie into my weekends.

It gets kind of hectic.
Which is why I always try to start with a relaxing breakfast.



I've written about these for over a year, but here at last is a picture of one.
Hey, I know it's boring, but whilst it was gloriously sunny here first thing, by the time I got into Norwich the weather had settled - like a surly teenager - into a grey, moody sulk, so I photographed the only cheerful thing I could find. Caffeine: my drug of choice.
Saturday breakfast time is also the only time I get to catch up on stuff with Phil. Those are his knees in the photo. He's smart, funny, younger and better looking than me, single and available, ladies!

So … Dive's Saturday morning …
Nine o'clock sharp.
Upstairs in Waterstone's bookshop as always.
As we wander in, tutting like the middle-aged pedants that we are at the Christmas crapfest of TV tie-ins and pathetically unfunny non-books, Natalie brews up two medium, fairtrade lattes - one in a glass; one in a bucket; an extra shot in the glass (mine) - and this morning, Phil goes for a raspberry sticky slice and Dive goes for a festive mince tart, just for Maria and Bing.

I grab the Guardian off the rack on the wall and dismember it; Phil takes the Sports section for the rugby and I purloin the only readable part of any Saturday newspaper: the book review, moaning as always that the stupid printers put the "Family" section inside the "Review" section.
Why? For crying out loud; the type of person who reads the book reviews is NOT going to have stupid fucking kids running around the place and starts twitching and looking around for handy weapons at the sight of happy families enjoying themselves. Put it somewhere I don't have to look at it.

Much moaning and taking the piss out of the world and some raucous chortles ensue, interrupted only by communal glaring at the twatty bint with the mobile phone who is shouting "Hello? … Yeah … I'm in a bookshop … No, a BOOK shop!"
Shut the fuck up!
She's not a regular; she probably doesn't have a single book in her house and is only here to buy crappy fucking non-books for her equally vacuous relatives' Christmas presents.
Amazingly, she catches my murderous glare and drops her voice to a normal conversational level, saving her from a mobile phone enema.

After breakfast we hit the shops. Except that Christmas is coming so there's nothing worth buying and everything that has been reduced all year is now full price and will remain so until January.
£39.99 for The Simpsons PS2 game? Fuck off!
So this morning, Phil toddles off to Harvey's the organic butchers to further his quixotic quest to put into his mouth, masticate and ingest every weird, slimy, hairy, or pulsating thing that hops, crawls, slithers, writhes or scuttles across the face of the planet while I slink off home to my housework.

And to write without doubt the most boring post of my long and tedious blog-life.
Hey ho … here comes housework.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Master Bakers

I know I've griped about this before, but it is now becoming increasingly apparent that I am being specifically targeted by a terrorist group that has gone scandalously unnoticed by our al-Qaeda-obsessed press.

I'm talking about the threat posed by rogue, fundamentalist bakers.

In particular, I am referring to The Guild Of Master Bakers.
Ever since I laughed at their name when I heard it on Radio 4 (just say "master bakers" out loud and see how many heads turn to stare) and made fun of them in my blog they have been out to get me.

Once again, this very morning I have been targeted.
I opened the paper bag I picked up at the coffee shop to find yet another suicide croissant.
That's three this week!
The dastardly bastards have perfected a fiendish recipe for "fragmentation pastry" and are using it in defiance of international arms treaties.

Suicide croissants look just like normal croissants. Until you touch them …
They then burst into a million sharp, pointy fragments, leaving just a manky, doughy kernel the size of a walnut for me to disconsolately chew on.

And these fragments get EVERYWHERE!
I have come home after a full day's work and a three and a half hour train journey, gone to bed and found the bloodthirsty little buggers hiding in the sheets, waiting to bite me viciously on the hip at two in the morning.

I can hear them giggling softly in the dark.

Stop these maniacs now!
Kill a master baker today.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Books

Maria has been posting about books. A couple of really inspiring and beautifully written posts (here and here), but then all of her posts are inspiring and beautifully written so no surprises there.
She asks for our favourite books, but that's just too long a list to even think about.
I get to commute at least seven hours a day, so I get a lot of reading done. And when I get home I put on Radio 3 and read myself to sleep.

I have a few books in odd corners of the house, so I just wandered round with the camera and snapped some of them (not all, by a long way; plus there's hundreds more in boxes).

Now I am disgusted at the mess in my upstairs spare rooms and will spend the rest of the day tidying, dusting and polishing. What a filthy slut I am.












I need more shelves. Lots more shelves. If anyone out there is demolishing a public library, please let me know and I'll hire a truck and come on over.

And yes, Kate: That's the Big Box Of Buffy on top of one of the shelves.

Apropos of nothing in particular, I have Garrison Keillor on iTunes at the moment, giving me the news from Lake Wobegon. He just said "Instead of getting married again I think I'll just find a woman I don't like and buy her a house", which made me snort coffee out of my nose.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Being Forty-Nine

Progress report:
Well; I've tried being forty-nine for a whole day now and so far it sucks.
Every single train journey has been over an hour late and some bulldog-faced bint from New Zealand just jabbed me in the arm with a needle.

One of the perils of getting older is that the company coughs up for free flu jabs for me.
Ow!

Bugger this. I've always rather enjoyed that trippy forty-eight hours of shivery high fever. As sensual experiences go, I feel flu has been long under-appreciated.
I might still get lucky; the flu jab only innoculates against this year's strain and my stupid train currently passes right through the exclusion zone for the latest H5N1 bird flu outbreak.
If I start quacking and drop dead, you'll know what's happened.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Crappy Birthday To Me

Oh, fuck!

I'm forty-nine years old.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Sunny Monday Morning

Back in London this morning, I swung by the Cenotaph on the way in to work.




And then on to Westminster Abbey, to the Field Of Remembrance.


Not just Brits, but ANZACS, Americans, firefighters, nurses; anyone you may have lost to war is remembered here.
Jules: Albert is in here, as is my Uncle Tony and all of their fallen comrades. Every one arranged by regiment so people can find the name they have lost. It's a pretty humbling place to walk through.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Remembrance

Anthem For Doomed Youth

What passing bells for these who die as cattle?
- Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs, -
The shrill, demented choirs of raining shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.

What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmer of goodbyes.
The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.

WILFRED OWEN


In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead, Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

JOHN MCCRAE


Base Details

If I were fierce, and bald, and short of breath,
I'd live with scarlet Majors at the Base,
And speed glum heroes up the line to death.
You'd see me with my puffy, petulant face,
Guzzling and gulping in the best hotel,
Reading the Roll of Honour. "Poor young chap,"
I'd say - "I used to know his father well;
Yes; we've lost heavily in this last scrap."
And when the war is done and youth stone dead,
I'd toddle safely home and die - in bed.

SIEGFRIED SASSOON


Dulce et Decorum Est

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of gas shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys! - An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime …
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, -
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

WILFRED OWEN


Lament

We who are left, how shall we look again
Happily on the sun or feel the rain,
Without remembering how they who went
Ungrudgingly, and spent
Their all for us, loved too the sun and rain?

A bird among the rain-wet lilacs sings -
But we, how shall we turn to little things,
And listen to the birds and winds and streams
Made holy by their dreams,
Nor feel the heart-break in the heart of things?

WILFRID GIBSON


Wilfred Owen: Second lieutenant: Manchester Regiment. Killed in action: November 4th. 1918.

John Mc.Crae: Canadian Army Medical Corps. Died of pneumonia at the front: January 12th, 1918

Siegfried Sassoon: Sussex Yeomanry. Invalided out of service with shell-shock. Threw the ribbon from his Military Cross into the Mersey: died: 1967.

Wilfrid Gibson: Private: died: 1962.





Some photographs from today's Remembrance Service in Norwich.

From The Book Of Dive


Luke (I am your father):
Chapter 2:
And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree from Cæsar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.
2. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria).
3. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
4 And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judæa, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
5. To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
6. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
7. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the Inn.
8. And two thousand and six years did pass, and in the two thousand and seventh,
9. Children were brought forth by their parents to learn of the birth of Christ.
10. That Joseph and Mary his espoused wife did ask at the inn for aid,
11. And were told "Sorry mate; we're full. Christmas rush and all that. You should have booked."
12. And the Innkeeper did look upon Mary, great with child and did have compassion,
13. And saith: "Actually, we've got a purple plastic grotto out the back. You can use that if you want."
14. And Mary did join a queue of Children and did sit upon a strange man's lap.
15. And paid him money to do so.
16. And the strange man saith "Ho ho ho."
17. For the God of the Christian West is Mammon,
18. And you are all going to Hell in a handcart.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Return Of The Crappy Quizzes

Thanks to Savannah - whose life, by the way is an indie movie - I have got dragged back into the silly internet quiz thingies.

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.
You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho
If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Actually, that's about as accurate as any psychiatrist is gonna get …

Shoot The Weatherman

What a let down.
What a great big sloppy turd of a non-event.
I got up bright and early this morning, ready to drive down to the coast and take dramatic photographs of the spectacular flooding brought about by the highest storm surge in fifty years and it didn't happen.
Arse.

I mean, great!
If you live on the coast like Mayuko and Shona and Steve and a whole bunch of my mates (especially Neil who lives underneath the sea wall at Sea Palling and twenty feet below normal sea level) then it is wonderful news.
It just makes for a sucky blog post.
Nothing new there, then …

Thursday, November 08, 2007

There Are No Strings On Me

Like Pinocchio, old Dive is about to go wireless (though I'll still be made of wood; I didn't sign up for the package that would turn me into a real boy … and besides, that Gepetto creeps me out).

The reason I'm telling you this is that I use British Telecom (an anagram of Besmirch Toilet), who are the most incompetent company in the known universe and probably for quite some distance beyond.
Like the almost equally cack-faced BBC, they don't acknowledge the existence of anything other than cheap and nasty Windoze computers, and - as most of you know - I have an obscene amount of Apple Macs.

My work Macs …

My studio Macs …

My shiny new home Mac.

I'm a professional. I don't do "Windoze".
Oh, and that's Nimh, by the way. My only cuddly toy. He's currently guarding the new Mac from Stouffer, the evil blue rubber cat. Yes, I am a middle aged man living alone; what the fuck do you expect?

So …
Wireless …

If I disappear for a time, it will be because I am spending thousands of pounds on premium rate "helplines" based in India, with my shouty trousers on and my trusty Profanisaurus® by my side.
I had to do this when I went from dial-up to my current donkey-powered broadband made from straw and twigs and mud (the highest speed it has achieved to date is 5Kb/s (whoop di doo).

British Telecom have a system:
They send you a big box of stuff and you plug it in and it doesn't work.
You phone them up and you get to listen to a computer. Either that or Stephen Hawking is moonlighting.
After several hours of pressing keys on the phone (at £500 a minute or thereabouts) you are transferred to a muzak player that interrupts you every thirty seconds to tell you that you are in a queue.
Hours later, an Indian voice comes on the line and asks a set series of questions.
This carries on for several minutes, at the end of which he tells you that because you have a brain and use a Mac he must transfer you to another number.
You then go through the whole obscene process again, at the end of which, the new Indian voice tells you that this service is not supported on Macs, even though you know full well that it is.

Then you pop next door and borrow Jerry's computer to Google the lone gunmen (a band of desperate Mac users who sort out crap for you) and they tell you what to do.

So if I manage to post tomorrow or turn up in your comments boxes it will be a bloody miracle.