I came home a while back, to do some Photoshop work (the office only has crappy PCs and I can work a whole lot quicker on my Macs with my Wacom tablet … plus it's warmer here and the coffee is much, much better).
Inevitably, however, I got sidetracked.
Those of you with better memories than me may remember the good old, pre-Facebook days of Blogville, when Maria and I would swap endless stupid memes.
Well, she posted another one.
It's about "you and your spouse."
Not having a spouse, how could I resist?
Feel free to fill in your own version. Maybe you'll learn something, like I did.
Relationship Quiz:
1) How old are you?
54 next Tuesday.
2) How often do you have a conversation with your spouse that lasts more than five minutes?
Pretty rarely. I don't have a spouse.
3) How well does your spouse participate in the running of the household?
My lack of a spouse means I have to do every bloody thing around here.
4) What would your spouse say is your favorite food?
I don't have a spouse.
5) What is the last time you ate your favorite food?
As my current favourite food is tuna sashimi, about ten minutes ago.
6) Tell us something you do that your spouse doesn't know about.
Everything. I don't have a spouse.
7) What medications are you taking?
Pills and potions to get me through this passion play … oh, no; that was Joni Mitchell. I'm just taking pills to stop my heart … er … stopping.
Oh, and coffee and alcohol to stop my pills working.
8) List three things that scare you:
1) People who believe in right-wing ideology.
2) People who believe in a god, and
3) People in general.
9) Do you believe love can last?
Only until my back gives out.
10) Are you still in love with your spouse?
I don't have a spouse.
11) Do you ever think about leaving your spouse?
I've got to think about getting one first.
12) If so, what would stop you?
Having a spouse might stop me … or than again, it might do just the opposite; I have no way of finding out.
13) List five positive things about your spouse.
1) She doesn't leave bottles of stinky stuff all over the bathroom;
2) She doesn't run screaming from the house when I have to take a dump;
3) She doesn't complain if I snore;
4) She lets me read in bed and listen to classical music;
5) She never does the stupid points-scoring thing.
Actually, I'm beginning to like not having a spouse.
14) List three negative things about your spouse.
1) She doesn't lift a finger to help around the house.
2) She doesn't cuddle.
3) She doesn't exist.
15) What is your favorite book?
That's a dumb fucking question to ask someone who lives in a library.
16) How well do you think you know your spouse?
Not well at all.
17) What did you used to do that you don't now?
Pee in my nappy. Though as I get older I expect to start that again some day.
18) Are you religious?
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
No.
19) Do you believe in God?
Absolutely not. What kind of brainless fuckwit do you take me for?
20) List your favorite part of your spouse's body when you were in your twenties.
I actually had a spouse back then. Neck and shoulders were nice.
21) List your favorite part of your spouse's body now.
The part that doesn't whine and complain.
22) Describe your first impression of your spouse.
Vacant looking.
23) Where did you go on your first date?
We've not gone there yet.
24) List some little irritations of marriage.
Hoo, boy! How many hours have you got?
25) How many credit cards do you have?
Not a single one. Nobody needs a credit card, same as nobody needs an iPad or a mobile fucking telephone. People are too thick to realise it.
26) How often do you Google yourself?
Never
27) How does your marriage compare to your parents' marriage?
I'm not married, but my parents were, right up until dad went to carouse in the Halls of Valhalla.
28) What is the last Anniversary gift you received from your spouse?
A big box of nothing.
29) Describe your spouse when you first met him/her?
Invisible … and pretty darned quiet. Which is kinda nice when I want to read.
30) What do you wish you had known/been warned about regarding marriage?
DON'T DO IT!
31) Is your spouse a good listener?
She never answers back or interrupts.
32) Have you ever been ashamed of your spouse?
She's never yet embarrassed me in public. Or indeed in private.
33) Do you and your spouse exercise together?
Nobody wants to see me nekkid and sweaty in my gym; not even an imaginary girl.
34) Is it okay for spouses to keep secrets?
Mine's kept all hers so far.
35) Does your spouse do a good job communicating his/her needs to you?
She's not a great communicator. Perhaps we need an Ouija board.
36) What do you consider flirting?
Flirting.
37) What's the last mean thing you said to your spouse?
I've never said a mean word to my non-existent spouse. I'm a nice guy.
38) What's the last mean thing that your spouse said to you?
If she says mean things I've not heard them.
39) Would your friends say that you are happily married?
No, they'd say that I'm a sad, middle-aged creepy guy who lives all alone in a ramshackle building resembling a Dickensian bookshop that crashed into an art gallery, careened off a music shop and has a bed somewhere in an upper room. I also have bats in my back yard. Little wonder women stay well away.
40) Would you say you're happily married?
No, I'm just sitting here filling in time, waiting for death and doing a meme.
41) Describe your first kiss with your spouse.
So soft I didn't notice it.
42) What do you believe should NOT be done in public?
Putting paint all over yourself and pretending to be a statue.
43) What is the worst emotional state a person can be in?
Shitfaced and maudlin and boring me to death, especially when you're my boss … yes, Emily, I mean you.
44) Do you fake things? If yes, give examples.
This entire blog. Cool huh?
45) How many times a week do you exercise?
Three times; fifty minute workouts. Plus a whole lot of walking. If farting in the bath counts as exercise I did that this morning. Sorry; octopus krasato the night before can do that to a man.
46) Finish this sentence: I feel loved and cared for when....
… next door's three cats are hungry.
47) Whose marriage do you most admire?
Morticia and Gomez Addams.
48) If your spouse gave you one free pass to have sex with another person, who would it be?
Alina Ibragimova.
49) If you gave your spouse one free pass to have sex with another person, whom would your spouse choose?
I just asked her but she didn't say.
50) Do you and your spouse find the same things funny?
I have no way of finding out, but she never laughs at my jokes.
51) What is the most memorable place that you ever had sex?
I don't recall.
52) Do you and your spouse agree how to educate your children about issues such as drug and alcohol use?
She lets me drink too much. She also lets me design schools, so if the next generation is as fucked up as I am you can blame her.
53) Do you get along with your in-laws?
Better than you could possibly imagine.
54) What is the last loving thing you said to your spouse?
If I ever get a spouse I'll think of something and let you know.
55) What's the last loving thing your spouse said to you?
She's pretty quiet with that stuff.
56) What's your favorite movie?
Currently, Doctor Strangelove.
57) How often do you quarrel with your spouse?
Never.
58) What's the sexiest book you've ever read?
The Diary of Samuel Pepys (the funniest sex scenes ever written; even more so as they are true … f'rinstance when his wife finds him with the maid on his lap, one hand down her top and the other "fingering her cunny" and he tries to talk his way out of it).
59) Describe the moment you knew your spouse was "the one."
I'll let you know if it ever happens. At the moment, she's not even "A one", let alone "THE one".
60) Describe a situation where your spouse let you down.
She's never there when I want sex. Just as well, really, as I'd probably get cramp or put my back out or have a heart attack.
61) What do you think of the current trend of couples divorcing based on the couples feeling more like roommates than lovers?
I had no idea that was a trend, and I can't really say I care.
62) When was the last time you flirted with someone other than your spouse?
This morning. The blonde woman in the bedding department at Jarrold's. But then I'm a regular customer (addicted to goosedown pillows and high thread count Egyptian cotton bedding) and we've been doing that for years, so I suppose it's more jokey than flirting.
63) What does it mean to be good?
I don't know. I've always hovered between great and amazing.
64) Write a letter to your first child saying what you can't say in person.
Hey, kid! Where the hell are you?
65) Describe something you wouldn't admit to your best friend.
My best friend sometimes needs to wash more.
66) List some things you wish you could stop doing but can't.
1) living alone;
2) finishing the bottle;
3) starting another;
4) this meme.
67) Describe a cliche of parenthood that took you by surprise.
Nothing surprises me. All children are born ugly and grow up evil. Except me. I was beautiful and now I'm a wonderful person.
68) Was your second pregnancy different than your first?
Turned out I was just fat. Again.
69) How much money would it take to be happy and does money make it easier to stay happily married?
I have no idea; I've never had enough money to even be miserable, let alone happy. If I HAD money, however, I would certainly not get married; I'd spend it on riotous living and loose weemen.
Actually, I'm too boring for that; I'd spend it on books.
70) Is marriage a dictatorship or a democracy?
Marriage is a disaster waiting (usually not long) to happen.
71) If you had to explain marriage to an alien who had just arrived on earth, what would you say?
Screw marriage! Hand over the keys to your spaceship, you little green fucker. NOW!
72) If someone asked you to share a life lesson that you learned in your 40's, what would it be?
I don't remember my forties.
73) Define passion in one sentence.
It's a kind of fruit.
74) What did you imagine falling in love would be like when you were young?
A whole lot better than it actually turned out to be.
75) Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give your child/children about romance?
Steer clear of the opposite sex; steer clear of the same sex; steer clear of animals and most inanimate objects.
76) Give three reasons people should stay married.
1) Spite.
2) Imbecility.
3) As an aid to illegal immigration.
77) Give one reason people should get divorced.
1) Sanity.
78) Have you had romantic feelings in the past year for someone other than your spouse?
Not really. I seem to have lost the knack over the decades.
79) Have you had sexual fantasies in the last year about a person other than your spouse?
Far less often than perhaps I should, but then why bother?
80) Are you an advocate of gay marriage?
Absolutely; everyone should have the same right to fuck up their lives.
81) Has your life turned out the way you thought it would?
No. I thought there'd be flying cars and I'd live on the moon. Also I never thought I'd develop a taste for beetroot.
82) List three things a spouse would do that you would find unforgivable?
1) Leave the towel askew.
2) Put an open book face down on a surface.
3) Watch reality TV.
83) Write a letter to your spouse telling him/her what you can't say in person.
Dear Imaginary Girl,
Much as I'd like the occasional cuddle, I realise having filled in this meme that you're pretty groovy just the way you are.
In the words of Murph (of the Magictones): "Don't go changin'."
Showing posts with label Crap Memes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crap Memes. Show all posts
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Station Break
We interrupt this programme to bring you a classic "Maria Meme" … something I have not done for years, so it's about time.
Do it yourself if you want to. If not, meh …
Eyes down.
1) ONE OF YOUR SCARS. HOW DID YOU GET IT?
My appendix burst when I was fifteen and as well as a scar wide enough to get an entire surgeon inside my gut I also have a nifty one that originally housed a drainage tube (icky) from that operation. It looks just like a stab wound so that's the one I would show on a drunken "Hey! Let's compare scars!" evening. "I got this in a knife fight between the Sharks and the Jets!"
Ha!
2) WHAT IS ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BEDROOM?
Hang on; I'll go take a look …
Two big giclee prints of Edward Hopper lighthouses, framed in sea green driftwood (neatly planed, not the gnarly type you get in a certain type of craft shop), a whole bunch of Victorian Waterhouse prints (you know, the ones with scantily clad nymphs all over the place), a beautiful relief sculpture that Helen did based on an Arthur Rackham illustration, a big Australian perenti lizard sculpture painted in aboriginal designs hanging up behind the door, and a huge red abstract painting by a Swiss artist nobody's ever heard of. The rest of the walls are full of book cases and tallboys and a wardrobe.
Oh, and an occasional spider.
3) WHAT DOES YOUR MOBILE PHONE LOOK LIKE?
I do not have and shall never have a mobile fucking phone.
4) WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Mostly either baroque or modern classical. I used to listen to a lot of Steely Dan, Joni, Dylan, Tom Waits, Zappa, Miles Davis, stuff like that, and I still occasionally find myself in that kind of mood these days.
5) DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Five minutes to midnight.
6) WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Right now? I want time to skip forward until my coffee is cool enough to drink.
Oh, and a girlfriend.
7) WHO DO YOU MISS?
Nobody. I'm a pretty fucking good shot with a rifle.
8) IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU OR HAS A CRUSH ON YOU?
Not that I'm aware of. If there were anyone I wish they'd let me know. I'm not getting any younger here.
9) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU KISSED?
Pauline at the old office, when I went in last Thursday after almost a year's absence.
No tongues.
10) WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Anthony, after Dad's brother who got shot down and killed in the final days of WWII at the age of just nineteen.
11) THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED?
The original Danish version of The Killing was shockingly good, but I'd have to stick a pin in and choose between Buffy, The Simpsons and Frasier.
12) THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
Mike at the office, just now on the phone (he gets in ludicrously early to beat the traffic and then goes home in the middle of the afternoon).
13) DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Hell, no. Darkness is comforting. I get scared in daylight, when I can see other people.
14) THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Dorothy Parker. I was reading her short story "The Little Hours" a couple of nights ago and laughed so hard I cried. It was either that or pee myself.
15) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE/PERFUME?
I am anosmic. All perfume tastes (I can't smell but I can taste stuff in the air) like paint or turps or gasoline to me as all I can pick up on is the solvent. I could never kiss a girl's perfumed neck without gagging.
CLEAN is the best taste! Nobody needs stinky perfume unless they are covering up another stink. Just leave the crappy stuff on the shelf and take a wash.
16) WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
As long as they have at least one eye and hair of some description I'm easy. Actually, bald can look good on a woman, though lately I'm finding long grey hair kind of nice.
17) WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?
I'm both. I'm also ugly but that's just nature balancing things out.
18) COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coffee! COFFEE! COFFEE! Strong. Black. No sugar. Espresso or bica.
A latte first thing at the office.
At home, Lavazza Gold or Cuban.
Energy drinks? Ptha!
19) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PIZZA TOPPING?
There is only one pizza topping: home-made passata, buffalo mozzarella and fresh basil. Anything else is not a pizza, but a "pizza" (an American term that is pronounced much the same as pizza but tastes nothing like it as it is basically baked flat bread with somebody's dinner slopped on top).
Anybody putting tinned pineapple chunks on top is gonna get a slap. Or meat or fish or God forbid (thank you Emily for forever tainting my view of Americans) macaroni cheese.
Don't mess with perfection, people.
20) IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Right now, I'm not hungry. I'm just waiting for my coffee.
21) WHO IS THE LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU MAD?
Probably someone in the government. I don't remember.
22) DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Sim, Oui, Ja, Si, Hai.
23) WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT THAT YOU REMEMBER SOMEONE GIVING YOU?
A beautifully bound book of Bewick's birds that my Godfather Pete gave me on my fourth birthday. I still have it and treasure it and I blame him for the fact that my entire house is a library.
24) DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I like lots of people. But do you mean 'like' or do you mean "like"? There's nobody I particularly "like" right now, though I'd probably stutter and blush were I to meet Alina Ibragimova.
25) ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
In places. It all depends on who I'm with and how drunk we are.
26) FAVOURITE CLOTHING BRAND?
I never buy anything branded except (and this is because I have worn them since I was a kid) Levi 501 jeans and Converse All Star hi-tops. And boy do I hate the fact that those are back in fashion again! Stop wearing what I wear, you bastards!
27) WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?
It varies … Right now a 1960 Alfa Romeo Giulietta Sprint Zagato would be sweet.
28) WHAT COLOUR IS IT?
Alfa rosso. It only came in one colour.
29) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE KIND OF EXERCISE?
In the absence of a swimming pool or a willing woman, I like to walk. A lot. Fast.
30) WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
They've all left, so judging on past experience, that's a yes. If there's ever another one, she'll probably leave, too. Hey ho.
Do it yourself if you want to. If not, meh …
Eyes down.
1) ONE OF YOUR SCARS. HOW DID YOU GET IT?
My appendix burst when I was fifteen and as well as a scar wide enough to get an entire surgeon inside my gut I also have a nifty one that originally housed a drainage tube (icky) from that operation. It looks just like a stab wound so that's the one I would show on a drunken "Hey! Let's compare scars!" evening. "I got this in a knife fight between the Sharks and the Jets!"
Ha!
2) WHAT IS ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BEDROOM?
Hang on; I'll go take a look …
Two big giclee prints of Edward Hopper lighthouses, framed in sea green driftwood (neatly planed, not the gnarly type you get in a certain type of craft shop), a whole bunch of Victorian Waterhouse prints (you know, the ones with scantily clad nymphs all over the place), a beautiful relief sculpture that Helen did based on an Arthur Rackham illustration, a big Australian perenti lizard sculpture painted in aboriginal designs hanging up behind the door, and a huge red abstract painting by a Swiss artist nobody's ever heard of. The rest of the walls are full of book cases and tallboys and a wardrobe.
Oh, and an occasional spider.
3) WHAT DOES YOUR MOBILE PHONE LOOK LIKE?
I do not have and shall never have a mobile fucking phone.
4) WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Mostly either baroque or modern classical. I used to listen to a lot of Steely Dan, Joni, Dylan, Tom Waits, Zappa, Miles Davis, stuff like that, and I still occasionally find myself in that kind of mood these days.
5) DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Five minutes to midnight.
6) WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Right now? I want time to skip forward until my coffee is cool enough to drink.
Oh, and a girlfriend.
7) WHO DO YOU MISS?
Nobody. I'm a pretty fucking good shot with a rifle.
8) IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU OR HAS A CRUSH ON YOU?
Not that I'm aware of. If there were anyone I wish they'd let me know. I'm not getting any younger here.
9) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU KISSED?
Pauline at the old office, when I went in last Thursday after almost a year's absence.
No tongues.
10) WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Anthony, after Dad's brother who got shot down and killed in the final days of WWII at the age of just nineteen.
11) THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED?
The original Danish version of The Killing was shockingly good, but I'd have to stick a pin in and choose between Buffy, The Simpsons and Frasier.
12) THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
Mike at the office, just now on the phone (he gets in ludicrously early to beat the traffic and then goes home in the middle of the afternoon).
13) DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Hell, no. Darkness is comforting. I get scared in daylight, when I can see other people.
14) THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Dorothy Parker. I was reading her short story "The Little Hours" a couple of nights ago and laughed so hard I cried. It was either that or pee myself.
15) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE/PERFUME?
I am anosmic. All perfume tastes (I can't smell but I can taste stuff in the air) like paint or turps or gasoline to me as all I can pick up on is the solvent. I could never kiss a girl's perfumed neck without gagging.
CLEAN is the best taste! Nobody needs stinky perfume unless they are covering up another stink. Just leave the crappy stuff on the shelf and take a wash.
16) WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
As long as they have at least one eye and hair of some description I'm easy. Actually, bald can look good on a woman, though lately I'm finding long grey hair kind of nice.
17) WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?
I'm both. I'm also ugly but that's just nature balancing things out.
18) COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coffee! COFFEE! COFFEE! Strong. Black. No sugar. Espresso or bica.
A latte first thing at the office.
At home, Lavazza Gold or Cuban.
Energy drinks? Ptha!
19) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PIZZA TOPPING?
There is only one pizza topping: home-made passata, buffalo mozzarella and fresh basil. Anything else is not a pizza, but a "pizza" (an American term that is pronounced much the same as pizza but tastes nothing like it as it is basically baked flat bread with somebody's dinner slopped on top).
Anybody putting tinned pineapple chunks on top is gonna get a slap. Or meat or fish or God forbid (thank you Emily for forever tainting my view of Americans) macaroni cheese.
Don't mess with perfection, people.
20) IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Right now, I'm not hungry. I'm just waiting for my coffee.
21) WHO IS THE LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU MAD?
Probably someone in the government. I don't remember.
22) DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Sim, Oui, Ja, Si, Hai.
23) WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT THAT YOU REMEMBER SOMEONE GIVING YOU?
A beautifully bound book of Bewick's birds that my Godfather Pete gave me on my fourth birthday. I still have it and treasure it and I blame him for the fact that my entire house is a library.
24) DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I like lots of people. But do you mean 'like' or do you mean "like"? There's nobody I particularly "like" right now, though I'd probably stutter and blush were I to meet Alina Ibragimova.
25) ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
In places. It all depends on who I'm with and how drunk we are.
26) FAVOURITE CLOTHING BRAND?
I never buy anything branded except (and this is because I have worn them since I was a kid) Levi 501 jeans and Converse All Star hi-tops. And boy do I hate the fact that those are back in fashion again! Stop wearing what I wear, you bastards!
27) WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?
It varies … Right now a 1960 Alfa Romeo Giulietta Sprint Zagato would be sweet.
28) WHAT COLOUR IS IT?
Alfa rosso. It only came in one colour.
29) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE KIND OF EXERCISE?
In the absence of a swimming pool or a willing woman, I like to walk. A lot. Fast.
30) WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
They've all left, so judging on past experience, that's a yes. If there's ever another one, she'll probably leave, too. Hey ho.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A Gimp Suit And Some Flippers
Yay! A Maria meme!
Rescued once again from the blah-dom of not being able to think of anything to post.
This one says:
"Google your first name and the words: needs, wants, loves, hates, believes, wishes, sleeps, smells, eats, tastes, and realises."
i.e. "Dive needs" …
Then pick a phrase from the rather disturbing menu Google offers up.
Yay! This could be interesting (or not).
I Googled my first name, rather than Dive.
Googling "Dive needs" would just lead me to ads for scuba shops.
"All your dive needs catered for"
"Yeah, right. I'd like a tropical island with a beautiful and well stocked reef, please."
"Sorry, sir, but it's just what you see on the shelves."
"Rubber goods and oxygen masks? Kinky!
Hokay; rubber goods it is … Gimme a gimp suit* and some flippers."
Right!
Meme time: Let's cherry-pick some doozies from the icky grab-bag of Googledom.
1) Dive needs "a date".
Ha! Actually, this is a really saddo YouTube video about a guy from San Diego who's apparently into unicorns and dragons.
Dream on, kiddo.
Unicorns and dragons?
Listen up: nobody is ever - and I mean EVER - going to date you.
Sometimes I get the feeling that means me, too, but I live in hope. The fact that I'm not into unicorns and dragons at least lifts me off the bottom of the dating list.
Spring is on its way and who knows what that might bring?
Yay!
2) Dive wants "to have a Jewish baby".
What the fuck?
Ew, it's another dating site, this one from "the 310 area code of greater Los Angeles."
What the Holy Hell is going on in California?
C'mon, guys! Get your act together.
3) Dive loves "Christina with pictures and video."
I SO do NOT!
Google, you bloody liar! It seems I am also being linked romantically with "Ann", "cheesecake" and "raisin bran".
I'll take the cheescake.
4) Dive hates "feet".
Holy frijole! The US male is totally fucked-up.
This is from yet ANOTHER lame-o dating site and he's from Seattle, laydees. Just keep your feet covered.
5) Dive believes "getting to know Jesus is fundamental for our faith."
YOUR faith, maybe, but not mine, although I suppose that one is true as far as a part of me goes.
Yay, Jesus!
6) Dive wishes "that he could commute from North Delta on one bus the entire way."
No WAY! Commuting from Norfolk to London each day is pooey enough; commuting from somewhere in Bumfuck, USA would stink like a skunk and onion sandwich.
7) Dive sleeps "up to six people, while 'upper Dive' can sleep up to nine."
Yikes! Maybe when I was young and fit and could remember which end of a girl was which, but those days are long gone.
Sigh …
8) Dive smells "like dog biscuits, according to H of Seattle."
Well fuck you, H!
Don't come sniffing round here any more. It's kinda creepy.
9) Dive eats "a pig fœtus after dissection in biology class."
There are places in Google where even I fear to tread.
10) Dive tastes "like chicken."
For goodness sake, guys! This is from - you guessed it - another US dating site. If you fancy a guy who tastes of chicken, head on over to Glendale, Arizona.
That's one place I'll most certainly be avoiding from now on.
11) Dive realises "that there are certain things he desired but that the Lord refused for him to have knowing of those things."
Yup; that's what it says on the icky evangelical site where the Lord apparently has refused for Dive to have knowing of grammar and the English language in general.
Methinks the Lord's name is being taken in vain here by some dumb schmuck too ignorant to realise that things you desire don't just plop into your lap, you have to get out there and earn 'em, bucko.
And while you're at it, ask the Lord for some English lessons.
So now you know.
I hope that has made your day immeasurably richer, though I have my suspicions that it may not.
Have a go yourselves if you're so totally bored with your life that it really HAS come to this …
Though of course I'm not tagging anyone for I am The Death Of Memes.
TTFN
*Those who don't know what a gimp suit is should watch Pulp Fiction.
Or get out your old PS2s and play GTA San Andreas until you reach the part where you're wandering around Las Vegas in a gimp suit, armed with a three foot, purple rubber dildo you found in the showers at the police station …
You didn't do that bit? Well you play the game how you want and I'll play it how I want.
Sheesh!
Rescued once again from the blah-dom of not being able to think of anything to post.
This one says:
"Google your first name and the words: needs, wants, loves, hates, believes, wishes, sleeps, smells, eats, tastes, and realises."
i.e. "Dive needs" …
Then pick a phrase from the rather disturbing menu Google offers up.
Yay! This could be interesting (or not).
I Googled my first name, rather than Dive.
Googling "Dive needs" would just lead me to ads for scuba shops.
"All your dive needs catered for"
"Yeah, right. I'd like a tropical island with a beautiful and well stocked reef, please."
"Sorry, sir, but it's just what you see on the shelves."
"Rubber goods and oxygen masks? Kinky!
Hokay; rubber goods it is … Gimme a gimp suit* and some flippers."
Right!
Meme time: Let's cherry-pick some doozies from the icky grab-bag of Googledom.
1) Dive needs "a date".
Ha! Actually, this is a really saddo YouTube video about a guy from San Diego who's apparently into unicorns and dragons.
Dream on, kiddo.
Unicorns and dragons?
Listen up: nobody is ever - and I mean EVER - going to date you.
Sometimes I get the feeling that means me, too, but I live in hope. The fact that I'm not into unicorns and dragons at least lifts me off the bottom of the dating list.
Spring is on its way and who knows what that might bring?
Yay!
2) Dive wants "to have a Jewish baby".
What the fuck?
Ew, it's another dating site, this one from "the 310 area code of greater Los Angeles."
What the Holy Hell is going on in California?
C'mon, guys! Get your act together.
3) Dive loves "Christina with pictures and video."
I SO do NOT!
Google, you bloody liar! It seems I am also being linked romantically with "Ann", "cheesecake" and "raisin bran".
I'll take the cheescake.
4) Dive hates "feet".
Holy frijole! The US male is totally fucked-up.
This is from yet ANOTHER lame-o dating site and he's from Seattle, laydees. Just keep your feet covered.
5) Dive believes "getting to know Jesus is fundamental for our faith."
YOUR faith, maybe, but not mine, although I suppose that one is true as far as a part of me goes.
Yay, Jesus!
6) Dive wishes "that he could commute from North Delta on one bus the entire way."
No WAY! Commuting from Norfolk to London each day is pooey enough; commuting from somewhere in Bumfuck, USA would stink like a skunk and onion sandwich.
7) Dive sleeps "up to six people, while 'upper Dive' can sleep up to nine."
Yikes! Maybe when I was young and fit and could remember which end of a girl was which, but those days are long gone.
Sigh …
8) Dive smells "like dog biscuits, according to H of Seattle."
Well fuck you, H!
Don't come sniffing round here any more. It's kinda creepy.
9) Dive eats "a pig fœtus after dissection in biology class."
There are places in Google where even I fear to tread.
10) Dive tastes "like chicken."
For goodness sake, guys! This is from - you guessed it - another US dating site. If you fancy a guy who tastes of chicken, head on over to Glendale, Arizona.
That's one place I'll most certainly be avoiding from now on.
11) Dive realises "that there are certain things he desired but that the Lord refused for him to have knowing of those things."
Yup; that's what it says on the icky evangelical site where the Lord apparently has refused for Dive to have knowing of grammar and the English language in general.
Methinks the Lord's name is being taken in vain here by some dumb schmuck too ignorant to realise that things you desire don't just plop into your lap, you have to get out there and earn 'em, bucko.
And while you're at it, ask the Lord for some English lessons.
So now you know.
I hope that has made your day immeasurably richer, though I have my suspicions that it may not.
Have a go yourselves if you're so totally bored with your life that it really HAS come to this …
Though of course I'm not tagging anyone for I am The Death Of Memes.
TTFN
*Those who don't know what a gimp suit is should watch Pulp Fiction.
Or get out your old PS2s and play GTA San Andreas until you reach the part where you're wandering around Las Vegas in a gimp suit, armed with a three foot, purple rubber dildo you found in the showers at the police station …
You didn't do that bit? Well you play the game how you want and I'll play it how I want.
Sheesh!
Sunday, February 01, 2009
"Celebrity" Brain Cells
So anyhoo …
The Death of Memes still has twenty four things to come up with before I can put this one in the ground and make the Facebook people go away.
And to make things really bloody difficult I am not allowed to re-hash stuff from old memes, which is a total bummer as I've already written every single fact about my stupid life a dozen times over so the prospect of finding new stuff is a bit like that of finding a brain cell in a "celebrity" … extremely fucking unlikely.
Well, I managed to think of one yesterday, so here goes nothing:
2) I am all alone on a Sunday morning typing embarrassing personal crap into a computer.
Why, why, why, for fuck's sake?
Why don't I get a life instead of sitting here on my fat arse churning out this shit to a world that doesn't care and that I don't care about?
Because I am addicted to it, that's why.
I blog, therefore I am.
"Hello, my name is Dive and I am a blogoholic."
Shameful, but true.
3) I hate getting my fingers greasy.
REALLY hate it!
If I eat crisps (potato chips for the Colonials) or roasted nuts or stuff like that I always use chopsticks so my fingers don't get caked in that disgusting crumby grease.
Plus it's good chopstick practice.
For the same reason I avoid messy crap like ribs and chicken legs and barbecued food and general junk snacks.
Eww!
And pizza should be eaten with a knife and fork, not fingers.
That's too gross to contemplate.
Greasy fingers are so icky!
Just so you know.
3) (Thanks to Lulu for pointing out that this is the second number 3 in this meme. Hey ho). Shit, this is difficult! Every time I think of something I realise I've already written about it somewhere in the archives.
I just spent forty minutes soaking in the bath and trying to think of things to write and came up with nothing. Of course, I was listening to Blonde On Blonde while I was in there which didn't help but other than Dylan lyrics my mind is still blank.
Hokay … factoid number three: Most of my best posts were written while soaking in the bath.
That obviously does not include this pile of crapola.
4) I don't name inanimate objects.
My car is "the car", my guitars are "the Strat"(it's a Strat), "The PRS" (it's a PRS), "The Brown Fender" (it's a Fender and yes, it's brown), "The Martin" (you guessed it), my penis is "my penis".
The only exceptions are "Old Les" my vintage Gibson Les Paul guitar (named by Michael) and my occasional co-writers, Stouffer and Nimh (named by Harry Hill and a small child respectively).
I had a girlfriend once who had a pet name for her vagina. That creeped me out.
5) And speaking of old girlfriends (you already know about the one who chewed food with her mouth open … GACK!), one of them - naming no names - always had teeny-tiny little black gritty bits in her belly-button. The rest of her body was spotless but somehow she never learned to clean in there.
It grossed me out.
How can you tell a girl that?
Especially one so totally hot in all other respects.
Sigh …
6) I am a furtive tree planter.
I grow saplings from seeds and cuttings and then stage "guerilla beautification raids", planting them out beside roads and on field boundaries along routes that I take, and then I watch them grow. I've been doing that for around thirty years and the results really are a joy to behold.
I recommend it.
If there's a crappy piece of open space or a horrid gap in a field hedge near you that you think deserves a tree, go plant one.
Hint: A sapling a foot high and a sapling six feet high will reach approximately the same height after ten years as the little one will establish more quickly, so plant 'em out at about a foot or so high between October and February (for those in the Northern Hemisphere).
Guerilla beautification is really easy and it makes the world a slightly less sucky place.
7) I am right-handed but left-footed.
Which may or may not explain a lot.
8) When I was a kid … ah, fuck this! I've spent all morning trying to think of crap I've not written about before and I'm not going to waste any more time on it, so some of you may already know some of what follows.
When I was a kid we appeared on TV as part of a nuclear war evacuation rehearsal that was the stupidest thing ever devised (outside of nuclear war itself).
If you've not already read how plain dumb a government can be, read it here.
9) I do not possess any kind of food processor, a mobile phone or a credit card.
My quality of life is enriched immeasurably by their absence.
10) I have never eaten and will never eat anything from Mc.Donalds, KFC, Pizza Hut or any other crappy junk food pusher.
11) I can do this with my thumbs.
Neat, huh?
12) When I was about eleven I had a serious run-in with unrequited love and boy, howdy; it beat the crap out of me.
She was called Kathleen and had long dark hair and glasses. That's probably where the "sexy librarian" thing comes from. Girls with long hair and glasses really do it for me.
Now all I need to do is find one named Kathleen who won't press charges if I go near her …
Yeah, right; like that's gonna happen.
13) I like the number thirteen.
My birthday's on the thirteenth which used to be a reason to go "Yay!" when I was little and got presents but now it's more a reason to go home and slam all the doors because I am another fucking year older.
I still like the number, though.
14) I used to like memes but this one's proving to be a royal pain in the ass.
15) Probably the biggest disappointment of my life was when I found out the awful truth about Buffy.
You know that bit in the credits (third series onward) where she twirls the stake in her hand in that totally cool way?
Yeah, well, I like to do that with pens at work but no WAY could I get that kind of speed and accuracy.
Then I - how fucking sad is this - got out my Big Box Of Buffy complete DVD set and slowed down the credits …
My life was ruined.
Turns out she was faking it all along!
She has a big fat rubber band wrapped around her middle finger and the stake has been wound round and round so many times that she just opens her hand and lets the thing go! Check it out for yourself. What a fucking swizz!
I'll never trust blondes again.
16) I know how to get cattle to follow me anywhere.
S'true! Give me a herd of cows and I can make the fuckers follow me for miles.
As superpowers go it's slightly less useful than my other superpower (the astonishing ability never to lose a sock in the wash … fifty years and still counting) but you never know when such a thing might come in handy.
17) I once stole a pile of traffic cones and shut off a busy street for an entire Saturday before anyone realised it wasn't a real road closure and came and removed them.
Yay, me!
18) At one point in my life things had got so desperate that I wore Hawai'ian shirts.
Brr … That still makes me shudder.
19) When I am nervous or bored I play drum patterns with my hands on any available surface.
I know how utterly infuriating this can be so you'd better not make me nervous or bored.
20) I last went on holiday in 1994. Whoop de-fucking doo!
21) The only musical instrument I've never been able to play is the oboe.
I can't raise a squeak out of one of those little fuckers, not even with big, puffy Dizzy Gillespie cheeks.
I don't think anyone can actually play the oboe; they're just faking it. They sit there and mime while somebody under their chair squeezes farts out of a rat.
22) I have the world's largest collection of regrets.
Not a day passes without me adding a whole load of new ones. One of them is wishing I collected something that was actually worth money.
Regrets are worth fuck-all on e-Bay.
23) Things that are not welcome in my house include:
- Children;
- Dogs;
- Smokers;
- Anybody who wants to know my "star sign";
- Anybody with a mobile phone;
- Clowns;
- People who talk about "Lost";
- Junk food.
24) I love the word "Pobble".
Anyone who can tell me where it comes from (without recourse to the internet) gets a shiny gold star.
25) I will not join a "social networking site" because I am anti-social.
Bollocks to Facebook, Bebo et al.
Right! That's all twenty-five points. I'm off.
The Death of Memes still has twenty four things to come up with before I can put this one in the ground and make the Facebook people go away.
And to make things really bloody difficult I am not allowed to re-hash stuff from old memes, which is a total bummer as I've already written every single fact about my stupid life a dozen times over so the prospect of finding new stuff is a bit like that of finding a brain cell in a "celebrity" … extremely fucking unlikely.
Well, I managed to think of one yesterday, so here goes nothing:
2) I am all alone on a Sunday morning typing embarrassing personal crap into a computer.
Why, why, why, for fuck's sake?
Why don't I get a life instead of sitting here on my fat arse churning out this shit to a world that doesn't care and that I don't care about?
Because I am addicted to it, that's why.
I blog, therefore I am.
"Hello, my name is Dive and I am a blogoholic."
Shameful, but true.
3) I hate getting my fingers greasy.
REALLY hate it!
If I eat crisps (potato chips for the Colonials) or roasted nuts or stuff like that I always use chopsticks so my fingers don't get caked in that disgusting crumby grease.
Plus it's good chopstick practice.
For the same reason I avoid messy crap like ribs and chicken legs and barbecued food and general junk snacks.
Eww!
And pizza should be eaten with a knife and fork, not fingers.
That's too gross to contemplate.
Greasy fingers are so icky!
Just so you know.
3) (Thanks to Lulu for pointing out that this is the second number 3 in this meme. Hey ho). Shit, this is difficult! Every time I think of something I realise I've already written about it somewhere in the archives.
I just spent forty minutes soaking in the bath and trying to think of things to write and came up with nothing. Of course, I was listening to Blonde On Blonde while I was in there which didn't help but other than Dylan lyrics my mind is still blank.
Hokay … factoid number three: Most of my best posts were written while soaking in the bath.
That obviously does not include this pile of crapola.
4) I don't name inanimate objects.
My car is "the car", my guitars are "the Strat"(it's a Strat), "The PRS" (it's a PRS), "The Brown Fender" (it's a Fender and yes, it's brown), "The Martin" (you guessed it), my penis is "my penis".
The only exceptions are "Old Les" my vintage Gibson Les Paul guitar (named by Michael) and my occasional co-writers, Stouffer and Nimh (named by Harry Hill and a small child respectively).
I had a girlfriend once who had a pet name for her vagina. That creeped me out.
5) And speaking of old girlfriends (you already know about the one who chewed food with her mouth open … GACK!), one of them - naming no names - always had teeny-tiny little black gritty bits in her belly-button. The rest of her body was spotless but somehow she never learned to clean in there.
It grossed me out.
How can you tell a girl that?
Especially one so totally hot in all other respects.
Sigh …
6) I am a furtive tree planter.
I grow saplings from seeds and cuttings and then stage "guerilla beautification raids", planting them out beside roads and on field boundaries along routes that I take, and then I watch them grow. I've been doing that for around thirty years and the results really are a joy to behold.
I recommend it.
If there's a crappy piece of open space or a horrid gap in a field hedge near you that you think deserves a tree, go plant one.
Hint: A sapling a foot high and a sapling six feet high will reach approximately the same height after ten years as the little one will establish more quickly, so plant 'em out at about a foot or so high between October and February (for those in the Northern Hemisphere).
Guerilla beautification is really easy and it makes the world a slightly less sucky place.
7) I am right-handed but left-footed.
Which may or may not explain a lot.
8) When I was a kid … ah, fuck this! I've spent all morning trying to think of crap I've not written about before and I'm not going to waste any more time on it, so some of you may already know some of what follows.
When I was a kid we appeared on TV as part of a nuclear war evacuation rehearsal that was the stupidest thing ever devised (outside of nuclear war itself).
If you've not already read how plain dumb a government can be, read it here.
9) I do not possess any kind of food processor, a mobile phone or a credit card.
My quality of life is enriched immeasurably by their absence.
10) I have never eaten and will never eat anything from Mc.Donalds, KFC, Pizza Hut or any other crappy junk food pusher.
11) I can do this with my thumbs.
Neat, huh?
12) When I was about eleven I had a serious run-in with unrequited love and boy, howdy; it beat the crap out of me.
She was called Kathleen and had long dark hair and glasses. That's probably where the "sexy librarian" thing comes from. Girls with long hair and glasses really do it for me.
Now all I need to do is find one named Kathleen who won't press charges if I go near her …
Yeah, right; like that's gonna happen.
13) I like the number thirteen.
My birthday's on the thirteenth which used to be a reason to go "Yay!" when I was little and got presents but now it's more a reason to go home and slam all the doors because I am another fucking year older.
I still like the number, though.
14) I used to like memes but this one's proving to be a royal pain in the ass.
15) Probably the biggest disappointment of my life was when I found out the awful truth about Buffy.
You know that bit in the credits (third series onward) where she twirls the stake in her hand in that totally cool way?
Yeah, well, I like to do that with pens at work but no WAY could I get that kind of speed and accuracy.
Then I - how fucking sad is this - got out my Big Box Of Buffy complete DVD set and slowed down the credits …
My life was ruined.
Turns out she was faking it all along!
She has a big fat rubber band wrapped around her middle finger and the stake has been wound round and round so many times that she just opens her hand and lets the thing go! Check it out for yourself. What a fucking swizz!
I'll never trust blondes again.
16) I know how to get cattle to follow me anywhere.
S'true! Give me a herd of cows and I can make the fuckers follow me for miles.
As superpowers go it's slightly less useful than my other superpower (the astonishing ability never to lose a sock in the wash … fifty years and still counting) but you never know when such a thing might come in handy.
17) I once stole a pile of traffic cones and shut off a busy street for an entire Saturday before anyone realised it wasn't a real road closure and came and removed them.
Yay, me!
18) At one point in my life things had got so desperate that I wore Hawai'ian shirts.
Brr … That still makes me shudder.
19) When I am nervous or bored I play drum patterns with my hands on any available surface.
I know how utterly infuriating this can be so you'd better not make me nervous or bored.
20) I last went on holiday in 1994. Whoop de-fucking doo!
21) The only musical instrument I've never been able to play is the oboe.
I can't raise a squeak out of one of those little fuckers, not even with big, puffy Dizzy Gillespie cheeks.
I don't think anyone can actually play the oboe; they're just faking it. They sit there and mime while somebody under their chair squeezes farts out of a rat.
22) I have the world's largest collection of regrets.
Not a day passes without me adding a whole load of new ones. One of them is wishing I collected something that was actually worth money.
Regrets are worth fuck-all on e-Bay.
23) Things that are not welcome in my house include:
- Children;
- Dogs;
- Smokers;
- Anybody who wants to know my "star sign";
- Anybody with a mobile phone;
- Clowns;
- People who talk about "Lost";
- Junk food.
24) I love the word "Pobble".
Anyone who can tell me where it comes from (without recourse to the internet) gets a shiny gold star.
25) I will not join a "social networking site" because I am anti-social.
Bollocks to Facebook, Bebo et al.
Right! That's all twenty-five points. I'm off.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
The Death Of Memes Strikes Again
Tremble before me, mere mortals, for I am the Death of Memes.
This time I got tagged by Katherine with:
"twenty-five random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose twenty-five people to be tagged. You must tag the person who tagged you."
You know me better than that.
This is where memes come to die. Any tag that stumbles in here doesn't get out alive.
You know the rules:
- If you feel like doing this, do it;
- Don't tag anyone or I'll come round and punch you hard in the head.
- That's it.
So … Twenty-five things.
Normally this would be easy; this is my 927th. post and a frighteningly high proportion of those have been memes or self-confessional ramblings so I could easily do a no-brainer and just re-hash old classics.
But a fellow blogger told me this morning: "Bollocks to that! No way are you getting away with copying and pasting old crap."
Hey ho.
Because I don't want to risk a slap I will comply with her wishes and deprive you of such re-hashed favourites as "the cum-eating episode" and "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me".
Sheesh! Twenty-five things that I've not written before? I can't even think of one!
Hang on …
Okay:
1) My favourite poem at the moment (which will probably change by the time you read this):
My favourite poem as of this Saturday lunchtime is "Blashey-wadder" by the splendid Shetland Islands shop-assistant and appalling mandolin player Jen Hadfield.
This is from her latest collection, "Nigh No-Place" available from Bloodaxe Books (ISBN 978-1-85224-793-5) and is of course copyright so go out and buy the book NOW so I don't get into trouble for copying this out:
Blashey-wadder is Shetland dialect; "wadder" means weather and "blashey" is about as onomatopœic as it gets.
Blashey-wadder.
by Jen Hadfield.
At dusk I walked to the postbox,
and the storm that must've passed you earlier today
skirled long, luminous ropes of hail between my feet
and I crackled in my waterproof
like a roasting rack of lamb.
And across the loch,
the waterfalls blew right up off the cliff
in grand plumes like smoking chimneys.
And on the road,
even the puddles ran uphill.
And across Bracadale,
a gritter, as far as I could tell,
rolled a blinking ball of orange light
ahead of it, like a dungbeetle
that had stolen the sun.
And a circlet of iron was torn from a byre
and bowled across the thrift.
And seven wind-whipped cows
clustered under a bluff.
And in a rockpool,
a punctured football reeled around and around.
And even the dog won't heel since yesterday
when - sniffing North addictedly -
he saw we had it coming -
and I mean more'n wet weak hail
on a bastard wind.
Wonderful!
Now read it again only slowly and out loud.
One down; twenty-four to go.
At least I've not repeated myself yet.
More meme crap tomorrow as I really can't be arsed right now.
This time I got tagged by Katherine with:
"twenty-five random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose twenty-five people to be tagged. You must tag the person who tagged you."
You know me better than that.
This is where memes come to die. Any tag that stumbles in here doesn't get out alive.
You know the rules:
- If you feel like doing this, do it;
- Don't tag anyone or I'll come round and punch you hard in the head.
- That's it.
So … Twenty-five things.
Normally this would be easy; this is my 927th. post and a frighteningly high proportion of those have been memes or self-confessional ramblings so I could easily do a no-brainer and just re-hash old classics.
But a fellow blogger told me this morning: "Bollocks to that! No way are you getting away with copying and pasting old crap."
Hey ho.
Because I don't want to risk a slap I will comply with her wishes and deprive you of such re-hashed favourites as "the cum-eating episode" and "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me".
Sheesh! Twenty-five things that I've not written before? I can't even think of one!
Hang on …
Okay:
1) My favourite poem at the moment (which will probably change by the time you read this):
My favourite poem as of this Saturday lunchtime is "Blashey-wadder" by the splendid Shetland Islands shop-assistant and appalling mandolin player Jen Hadfield.
This is from her latest collection, "Nigh No-Place" available from Bloodaxe Books (ISBN 978-1-85224-793-5) and is of course copyright so go out and buy the book NOW so I don't get into trouble for copying this out:
Blashey-wadder is Shetland dialect; "wadder" means weather and "blashey" is about as onomatopœic as it gets.
Blashey-wadder.
by Jen Hadfield.
At dusk I walked to the postbox,
and the storm that must've passed you earlier today
skirled long, luminous ropes of hail between my feet
and I crackled in my waterproof
like a roasting rack of lamb.
And across the loch,
the waterfalls blew right up off the cliff
in grand plumes like smoking chimneys.
And on the road,
even the puddles ran uphill.
And across Bracadale,
a gritter, as far as I could tell,
rolled a blinking ball of orange light
ahead of it, like a dungbeetle
that had stolen the sun.
And a circlet of iron was torn from a byre
and bowled across the thrift.
And seven wind-whipped cows
clustered under a bluff.
And in a rockpool,
a punctured football reeled around and around.
And even the dog won't heel since yesterday
when - sniffing North addictedly -
he saw we had it coming -
and I mean more'n wet weak hail
on a bastard wind.
Wonderful!
Now read it again only slowly and out loud.
One down; twenty-four to go.
At least I've not repeated myself yet.
More meme crap tomorrow as I really can't be arsed right now.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Pop Quiz
I hate it when I'm too busy to blog.
But today is one of those days, so instead of writing reams of guff and annoying the Yanquis I'll ask you a question that's been bugging me for nigh on fifty years:
Please explain women to me.
Use both sides of the paper if necessary.
But today is one of those days, so instead of writing reams of guff and annoying the Yanquis I'll ask you a question that's been bugging me for nigh on fifty years:
Please explain women to me.
Use both sides of the paper if necessary.
Friday, August 01, 2008
The Hit Parade Of Shame
Yay! A deeply embarrassing meme!
Shazza didn't exactly tag me, but politely hinted which is much nicer.
So let's have a look at the rules before we rip 'em up and bin 'em:
1. Post the link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
Okey dokey.
2. Share 5 songs you are embarrassed to admit to others that you like and tell why.
Yikes! This is gonna hurt.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post.
Fuck that.
Actually, I thought I'd already done this one but a brief and furtive delve into the archives reminded me that what I had done was in fact this similarly themed meme: Maria's Ten Records In Your Collection That Nobody Should Ever Confess To Owning.
I confess to owning a lot of very peculiar crap.
Shazza's meme, however, has that extra cruel twist of nastiness that I love; the admission that I actually LIKE these songs.
Man, that's harsh!
Right … Time to fess up to the awful truth.
Warning … This is gonna get nasty!
(1) George Michael: Careless Whisper.
I saw you flinch!
And I must confess I winced myself whilst typing it.
Hokay … Georgie boy: love him or hate him you gotta admit that's a fucking gorgeous sax riff.
And the lyrics just wrench a part of me that shouldn't be wrenched.
There's no particular personal reason why I like this; no association or memory attached to it (least of all one set in a public lavatory with a policeman); I simply think it's a fine piece of songwriting.
I love this song and I am deeply ashamed.
(2) Wings: My Love.
People love to hate Wings.
I grew up a hardcore Beatles fan in the sixties but in the early seventies faced understandable social ostracism for liking Wings (I was also uncool enough to like Yoko and Linda).
Again, there are no personal associations with this song but the solo by Henry Mc.Cullogh is one of my all time favourites (now there's an idea for a Dive post: my all time favourite guitar solos).
It is a gorgeous piece of guitar playing and it tears me apart. Like George Harrison's solo in "Something" it is simple and heartfelt and perfect for the song.
The lyrics don't suck much, either.
(3) Heart: Dreamboat Annie.
Okay, Okay … Snigger all you want. This one does have associations.
I was young, I was (scary, this) cool, I was enjoying copious sexual congress with the hottest girl in school and the two of us played this album for most of 1977.
I cringe at the associations the track "Magic Man" has, but I also giggle and grin smugly.
Sigh …
(4) Art Garfunkel's version of "I Only Have Eyes For You".
Brr … My hardcore friends are gonna read this and rip me to shreds.
The Peggy Lee version, fine; The Flamingos, wonderful; but Art Garfunkel? Holy crap! This one's going to come back and haunt me at gigs for the rest of my life.
But hey … Ming The Menstrual and I were young and in love way back in the Jurassic and this was one of our songs (the other - somewhat bizarrely - was Dexy's Midnight Runners' "Come On Eileen" … Strange but true).
(5) Mike Oldfield: Ommadawn.
I can hear Michael's snorts of derision but I have a huge soft spot for this most difficult of second albums.
I mean, how the hell do you follow Tubular Bells?
Certainly not with this critically derided and twee confection of faux-folkie twaddle.
But I still love it.
The uilleann pipes on side two tug at my soul, awakening a deep yearning that - oddly enough - only uilleann and Northumbrian pipes can reach (I can't abide Scottish bagpipes but most other pipe music calls to something feral and atavistic somewhere icky inside my abdomen).
Yes, you have to hit STOP before the embarrassingly awful song at the end, but the instrumental sections are quite lovely.
Hey ho …
Any shred of reputation and credibility that I once had are now ripped away and I face a life of torment and ridicule, but at least this shame is at last out in the open and I can breathe a sigh of something approximating relief.
I wouldn't dream of inflicting this mental torture on anybody else so I'll tag nobody, but should you be waxing masochistic, feel free to give it a go.
Lay bare your pain.
Fess up to the Donny Osmonds, the David Cassidys, the Bay City Rollers, the Streisand, the Cher, the (shudder) Andrew Lloyd Webber monstrosities that lurk in your mental closet so the rest of us can wince and giggle at your expense.
You know you want to.
Shazza didn't exactly tag me, but politely hinted which is much nicer.
So let's have a look at the rules before we rip 'em up and bin 'em:
1. Post the link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
Okey dokey.
2. Share 5 songs you are embarrassed to admit to others that you like and tell why.
Yikes! This is gonna hurt.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post.
Fuck that.
Actually, I thought I'd already done this one but a brief and furtive delve into the archives reminded me that what I had done was in fact this similarly themed meme: Maria's Ten Records In Your Collection That Nobody Should Ever Confess To Owning.
I confess to owning a lot of very peculiar crap.
Shazza's meme, however, has that extra cruel twist of nastiness that I love; the admission that I actually LIKE these songs.
Man, that's harsh!
Right … Time to fess up to the awful truth.
Warning … This is gonna get nasty!
(1) George Michael: Careless Whisper.
I saw you flinch!
And I must confess I winced myself whilst typing it.
Hokay … Georgie boy: love him or hate him you gotta admit that's a fucking gorgeous sax riff.
And the lyrics just wrench a part of me that shouldn't be wrenched.
There's no particular personal reason why I like this; no association or memory attached to it (least of all one set in a public lavatory with a policeman); I simply think it's a fine piece of songwriting.
I love this song and I am deeply ashamed.
(2) Wings: My Love.
People love to hate Wings.
I grew up a hardcore Beatles fan in the sixties but in the early seventies faced understandable social ostracism for liking Wings (I was also uncool enough to like Yoko and Linda).
Again, there are no personal associations with this song but the solo by Henry Mc.Cullogh is one of my all time favourites (now there's an idea for a Dive post: my all time favourite guitar solos).
It is a gorgeous piece of guitar playing and it tears me apart. Like George Harrison's solo in "Something" it is simple and heartfelt and perfect for the song.
The lyrics don't suck much, either.
(3) Heart: Dreamboat Annie.
Okay, Okay … Snigger all you want. This one does have associations.
I was young, I was (scary, this) cool, I was enjoying copious sexual congress with the hottest girl in school and the two of us played this album for most of 1977.
I cringe at the associations the track "Magic Man" has, but I also giggle and grin smugly.
Sigh …
(4) Art Garfunkel's version of "I Only Have Eyes For You".
Brr … My hardcore friends are gonna read this and rip me to shreds.
The Peggy Lee version, fine; The Flamingos, wonderful; but Art Garfunkel? Holy crap! This one's going to come back and haunt me at gigs for the rest of my life.
But hey … Ming The Menstrual and I were young and in love way back in the Jurassic and this was one of our songs (the other - somewhat bizarrely - was Dexy's Midnight Runners' "Come On Eileen" … Strange but true).
(5) Mike Oldfield: Ommadawn.
I can hear Michael's snorts of derision but I have a huge soft spot for this most difficult of second albums.
I mean, how the hell do you follow Tubular Bells?
Certainly not with this critically derided and twee confection of faux-folkie twaddle.
But I still love it.
The uilleann pipes on side two tug at my soul, awakening a deep yearning that - oddly enough - only uilleann and Northumbrian pipes can reach (I can't abide Scottish bagpipes but most other pipe music calls to something feral and atavistic somewhere icky inside my abdomen).
Yes, you have to hit STOP before the embarrassingly awful song at the end, but the instrumental sections are quite lovely.
Hey ho …
Any shred of reputation and credibility that I once had are now ripped away and I face a life of torment and ridicule, but at least this shame is at last out in the open and I can breathe a sigh of something approximating relief.
I wouldn't dream of inflicting this mental torture on anybody else so I'll tag nobody, but should you be waxing masochistic, feel free to give it a go.
Lay bare your pain.
Fess up to the Donny Osmonds, the David Cassidys, the Bay City Rollers, the Streisand, the Cher, the (shudder) Andrew Lloyd Webber monstrosities that lurk in your mental closet so the rest of us can wince and giggle at your expense.
You know you want to.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Black And White
I found this on our Scout's blog earlier.
Some guy has made a list (admittedly tongue in cheek) of "things white people like and use to set themselves apart".
Now that's just asking for it.
I just spent over an hour on the videolink chatty thing, filling in the answers with Andy, the guy who sits next to me at work and who is decidedly not white (he's Ghanaian), to see how we fared.
So … without further ado, here are the results:
#104 Girls with bangs
Hokay. bad start. Both Andy and I like girls with bangs.
And of course bangs with girls, natch.
#103 Sweaters
We both wear them.
#102 Children’s Games as Adults
Hey, we both love GTA4 on our PS3s.
#101 Being Offended
Andy gets understandably offended by racists; I get offended by the whole human race.
#100 Bumper Stickers
We both raised our eyebrows at this one. Neither of us are American so we don't have them.
#99 Grammar
Sheesh! I thought I would win this one for whitey but Andy (a multi-linguist) is if anything even more pedantic than I am.
#98 The Ivy League
Er … The Ivy League were an English pop group in the early 1960s. I think they later became the Flowerpot Men in hippy times. As neither of us could remember any of their songs we'll have to skip this one.
#97 Scarves
Andy wears scarves. I keep one rolled up in my bag to use as a pillow on the train.
#96 New Balance Shoes
What the fuck are they?
#95 Rugby
Ah! We are both rugby fans but Andy plays, too, so he wins this one.
#94 Free Healthcare
The NHS is free to everyone; black, white, brown, yellow, green, puce, heliotrope, spotty, whatever.
#93 Music Piracy
We are both musicians and hate music piracy.
#92 Book Deals
Er … Neither of us has written a book so this is irrelevant.
#91 San Francisco
I want to go there; Andy has been there and loved it, the lucky bastard.
#90 Dinner Parties
We both cook extravagantly but we both prefer eating out to giving dinner parties.
#89 St. Patrick’s Day
Everybody except Americans hates the Irish (including most of the Irish).
#88 Having Gay Friends
We both have gay friends so that cancels out.
#87 Outdoor Performance Clothes
Nope. Two shrugs. We don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean. If it means sports clothing on non-sportspeople, that's a Chav thing, restricted to scum and criminals.
#86 Shorts
A big shake of the head from both of us. No way.
#85 The Wire
Again, we have no idea what that is.
#84 T-Shirts
Both of us have a collection of crap teeshirts which we wear at every opportunity.
#83 Bad Memories of High School
I loved school. So did Andy. We got to hang around with schoolgirls all day and have sex with some of 'em; what's not to love?
#82 Hating Corporations
I'm a Marxist. Andy's an African. We both hate corporations.
#81 Graduate School
We don't have that here. Nor in Ghana.
#80 The Idea of Soccer
There's an idea? It's the most boring, infantile and pathetic game in the world. Andy likes Chelsea, though, so this is one up for black against white.
#79 Modern Furniture
You've seen my furniture. It's OLD. Andy's too.
#78 Multilingual Children
We were both multilingual children.
#77 Musical Comedy
Nope. That's a gay thing.
#76 Bottles of Water
Never. We both drink filtered tap water.
#75 Threatening to Move to Canada
I once had a bass player who emigrated to Canada. He was Welsh, though, so what the fuck did he know about anything?
Nope. Neither Andy nor myself like the cold that much. And I need an ocean between me and the Great Satan.
#74 Oscar Parties
Another gay thing.
#73 Gentrification
We hate the gentry.
#72 Study Abroad
Andy cheated this one as he's Ghanaian.
#71 Being the only white person around
I win one! I'm the only white person here and Andy's the only black person.
#70 Difficult Breakups
I thought I'd win this one hands down, but Andy's had his share, too. Not an exclusively white thang.
#69 Mos Def
We have no idea what that means. Is it a typo?
#68 Michel Gondry
Another double blank here. Who the fuck is that?
#67 Standing Still at Concerts
Sheeit no! We are groovy fuckers!
#66 Divorce
That's kinda international, surely.
#65 Co-Ed Sports
What, like mixed mud-wrestling? Yeah, we'd both go for that!
#64 Recycling
I am the compost master! Andy lives in a flat so just can't compete, though he does recycle all he can.
#63 Expensive Sandwiches
We both eat sushi or noodles at lunchtime. If we're going to get a sarnie it will be a cheapie from Hope's Sandwich bar.
#62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
Having lots of money is best for poor people. We both agree on that one.
#61 Bicycles
We are both mad cyclists.
#60 Toyota Prius
Shit! We both wish we could afford one!
#59 Natural Medicine
Yup. We both like homeopathy and acupuncture.
#58 Japan
Andy, you BASTARD!
I've been studying the language and culture for years but tomorrow Andy flies off for a six month architecture contract in Tokyo.
Bastard, bastard, bastard!
He's going to send me lots of photos of all the pretty Japanese girls he sees.
Bastard!
#57 Juno
Neither of us has seen it but we both think she looked cute on the posters.
#56 Lawyers
We both hate them with a vengeance.
#55 Apologies
Sorry, but that's another draw.
#54 Kitchen Gadgets
We are both minimalists. Good knives (I'm really into Japanese ceramic ones at the mo) and a pestle and mortar. No crappy "food processors". Gadgets are for wimps. We are macho cooks! Hee hee.
#53 Dogs
We are both cat people.
#52 Sarah Silverman
Who she?
#51 Living by the Water
We both don't think we'd survive if we couldn't walk to a river, lake or sea in a few minutes. Inland is creepy! Brrr …
#50 Irony
I love ironing.
Anyway, what the fuck is "irony" doing in an American quiz? Americans don't understand the concept. Most of them confuse it with sarcasm and those that don't simply think it's something resembling iron.
#49 Vintage
We both have a collection of vintage guitars and love vintage sports cars so again, not exclusively white.
#48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
We are both foodies.
#47 Arts Degrees
Dammit! Andy wins this one as I dropped out of my art degree to play RAWK!
#46 The Sunday New York Times
They don't sell that in my village newsagent.
#45 Asian Fusion Food
Shit. We're fussy. We go out for sushi and sashimi together but tend to avoid fusion stuff as we are snobby purists.
#44 Public Radio
We were both raised by the BBC. And we both enjoy NPR podcasts from the States.
#43 Plays
Again, we both enjoy plays.
#42 Sushi
Damned right! If we don't go for sushi at least once a week then one of us is in hospital or dead.
Damn! That's just reminded me he'll be in Tokyo for the next six months. BASTARD!!!!!
#41 Indie Music
We're both musicians and both anti-corporate so that's another subject that doesn't define "whiteness".
#40 Apple Products
I win by seven Macs and two iPods against two Macs and one iPod. Yay!
But it's still not a whitey thing.
#39 Netflix
No idea.
Anyone know what that is? Another typo?
#38 Arrested Development
Again, we've drawn a blank. Is it a band?
#37 Renovations
Shit, I stripped my first house down to the brickwork, re-wired, plumbed and plastered it and rebuilt the fucker.
Never again!
Neither of us will raise so much as a screwdriver if there's a chance we can pay some other sucker to do the work.
#36 Breakfast Places
We both love breakfasting out with friends on a weekend.
#35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report
Nope. That's passed us both by.
#34 Architecture
We are both architects, for fuck's sake.
I sit with fellow architects Andy (Ghanaian), Rupa (Indian), Luke (Nigerian) and JJ (from Essex, so probably not classifiable as human). Whitey loses out again.
#33 Marijuana
We both appreciate a toke.
#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism
I was veggie for fifteen years but I love sashimi too much so I gave it up a while back.
Andy's another seafood fan.
#31 Snowboarding
Too fucking cold. Anyone who goes skiing or snowboarding for pleasure is a fucking idiot.
#30 Wrigley Field
I know what that is! Yay! I saw it in the Blues Brothers movie.
Neither Andy or I are interested in American sports, however.
#29 80s Night
We think not.
#28 Not having a TV
I spent most of my life without one and will trash mine when the analogue signal is cut off in a year or so.
Andy doesn't have a TV.
#27 Marathons
Bollocks! We are both lazy-assed motherfuckers.
#26 Manhattan
We loved the movie. The Gershwin soundtrack is just made for a couple of jazz fiends such as ourselves.
As for the place? It's one of those places we both say we'll get to visit someday but probably won't.
#25 David Sedaris
I have only just found out who he is, thanks to you Colonial bloggers.
I gave Andy a podcast and he thinks he's funny, too.
#24 Wine
We are both pissheads.
#23 Microbreweries
Ha! I win one! I have a stash of beer from Phil's pal Mark's microbrewery. Andy will drink any old thing.
#22 Having Two Last Names
He beats me on that one. Chalk one up for Ghana against England.
#21 Writers Workshops
What do writers want with workshops? Do they have big machines to do the writing now? I don't understand.
#20 Being an expert on YOUR culture
I hate "English" culture. Football and celebs? Fuck off!
Andy likes Ghanaian culture so that's another one he wins.
#19 Traveling
Bastard! He's now going to Japan! He's probably landing at Narita while you read this.
#18 Awareness
Another one that Andy wins. I never know what the fuck is going on.
#17 Hating their Parents
We both love our parents.
#16 Gifted Children
Neither of us are breeders and we both find kids annoying and irritating.
#15 Yoga
Not with my back!
Andy says no thanks, too.
#14 Having Black Friends
He wins this one, hands down. I have a fair few black and Asian friends but being born and raised in Ghana is cheating.
#13 Tea
Green. From Shizuoka. For both of us.
#12 Non-Profit Organizations
What's not to love?
#11 Asian Girls
Fuck! Why does this stupid quiz keep reminding me that by the time I get to my Japanese class tomorrow night Andy will be in Tokyo, surrounded by cute Japanese girls?
DAMMIT!
#10 Wes Anderson Movies
A shake of the head from both of us.
#9 Making you feel bad about not going outside
What? That's just plain dumb.
#8 Barack Obama
We're both rooting for him.
#7 Diversity
You know my views on this. Andy feels the same way. Damn! I can't even win THIS one!
#6 Organic Food
Who the fuck would want to put intensively grown agrochemical product in their mouths? Of COURSE we only eat organic food.
#5 Farmer’s Markets
We cruise the markets each day like the couple of faddy foodie snobs we are.
#4 Assists
What is this?
#3 Film Festivals
Ha! I win another one!
#2 Religions their parents don’t belong to
We are both fervent atheists.
#1 Coffee
Again, we always have a Joe on the go.
So …
I'm buggered if I'm going all the way through that lot to check the scores, but I'm fairly certain that on our results, more of the above are signs that you are a black architect from Ghana who plays bass guitar than that you are a whitey.
Have a go yourselves.
Some guy has made a list (admittedly tongue in cheek) of "things white people like and use to set themselves apart".
Now that's just asking for it.
I just spent over an hour on the videolink chatty thing, filling in the answers with Andy, the guy who sits next to me at work and who is decidedly not white (he's Ghanaian), to see how we fared.
So … without further ado, here are the results:
#104 Girls with bangs
Hokay. bad start. Both Andy and I like girls with bangs.
And of course bangs with girls, natch.
#103 Sweaters
We both wear them.
#102 Children’s Games as Adults
Hey, we both love GTA4 on our PS3s.
#101 Being Offended
Andy gets understandably offended by racists; I get offended by the whole human race.
#100 Bumper Stickers
We both raised our eyebrows at this one. Neither of us are American so we don't have them.
#99 Grammar
Sheesh! I thought I would win this one for whitey but Andy (a multi-linguist) is if anything even more pedantic than I am.
#98 The Ivy League
Er … The Ivy League were an English pop group in the early 1960s. I think they later became the Flowerpot Men in hippy times. As neither of us could remember any of their songs we'll have to skip this one.
#97 Scarves
Andy wears scarves. I keep one rolled up in my bag to use as a pillow on the train.
#96 New Balance Shoes
What the fuck are they?
#95 Rugby
Ah! We are both rugby fans but Andy plays, too, so he wins this one.
#94 Free Healthcare
The NHS is free to everyone; black, white, brown, yellow, green, puce, heliotrope, spotty, whatever.
#93 Music Piracy
We are both musicians and hate music piracy.
#92 Book Deals
Er … Neither of us has written a book so this is irrelevant.
#91 San Francisco
I want to go there; Andy has been there and loved it, the lucky bastard.
#90 Dinner Parties
We both cook extravagantly but we both prefer eating out to giving dinner parties.
#89 St. Patrick’s Day
Everybody except Americans hates the Irish (including most of the Irish).
#88 Having Gay Friends
We both have gay friends so that cancels out.
#87 Outdoor Performance Clothes
Nope. Two shrugs. We don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean. If it means sports clothing on non-sportspeople, that's a Chav thing, restricted to scum and criminals.
#86 Shorts
A big shake of the head from both of us. No way.
#85 The Wire
Again, we have no idea what that is.
#84 T-Shirts
Both of us have a collection of crap teeshirts which we wear at every opportunity.
#83 Bad Memories of High School
I loved school. So did Andy. We got to hang around with schoolgirls all day and have sex with some of 'em; what's not to love?
#82 Hating Corporations
I'm a Marxist. Andy's an African. We both hate corporations.
#81 Graduate School
We don't have that here. Nor in Ghana.
#80 The Idea of Soccer
There's an idea? It's the most boring, infantile and pathetic game in the world. Andy likes Chelsea, though, so this is one up for black against white.
#79 Modern Furniture
You've seen my furniture. It's OLD. Andy's too.
#78 Multilingual Children
We were both multilingual children.
#77 Musical Comedy
Nope. That's a gay thing.
#76 Bottles of Water
Never. We both drink filtered tap water.
#75 Threatening to Move to Canada
I once had a bass player who emigrated to Canada. He was Welsh, though, so what the fuck did he know about anything?
Nope. Neither Andy nor myself like the cold that much. And I need an ocean between me and the Great Satan.
#74 Oscar Parties
Another gay thing.
#73 Gentrification
We hate the gentry.
#72 Study Abroad
Andy cheated this one as he's Ghanaian.
#71 Being the only white person around
I win one! I'm the only white person here and Andy's the only black person.
#70 Difficult Breakups
I thought I'd win this one hands down, but Andy's had his share, too. Not an exclusively white thang.
#69 Mos Def
We have no idea what that means. Is it a typo?
#68 Michel Gondry
Another double blank here. Who the fuck is that?
#67 Standing Still at Concerts
Sheeit no! We are groovy fuckers!
#66 Divorce
That's kinda international, surely.
#65 Co-Ed Sports
What, like mixed mud-wrestling? Yeah, we'd both go for that!
#64 Recycling
I am the compost master! Andy lives in a flat so just can't compete, though he does recycle all he can.
#63 Expensive Sandwiches
We both eat sushi or noodles at lunchtime. If we're going to get a sarnie it will be a cheapie from Hope's Sandwich bar.
#62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
Having lots of money is best for poor people. We both agree on that one.
#61 Bicycles
We are both mad cyclists.
#60 Toyota Prius
Shit! We both wish we could afford one!
#59 Natural Medicine
Yup. We both like homeopathy and acupuncture.
#58 Japan
Andy, you BASTARD!
I've been studying the language and culture for years but tomorrow Andy flies off for a six month architecture contract in Tokyo.
Bastard, bastard, bastard!
He's going to send me lots of photos of all the pretty Japanese girls he sees.
Bastard!
#57 Juno
Neither of us has seen it but we both think she looked cute on the posters.
#56 Lawyers
We both hate them with a vengeance.
#55 Apologies
Sorry, but that's another draw.
#54 Kitchen Gadgets
We are both minimalists. Good knives (I'm really into Japanese ceramic ones at the mo) and a pestle and mortar. No crappy "food processors". Gadgets are for wimps. We are macho cooks! Hee hee.
#53 Dogs
We are both cat people.
#52 Sarah Silverman
Who she?
#51 Living by the Water
We both don't think we'd survive if we couldn't walk to a river, lake or sea in a few minutes. Inland is creepy! Brrr …
#50 Irony
I love ironing.
Anyway, what the fuck is "irony" doing in an American quiz? Americans don't understand the concept. Most of them confuse it with sarcasm and those that don't simply think it's something resembling iron.
#49 Vintage
We both have a collection of vintage guitars and love vintage sports cars so again, not exclusively white.
#48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
We are both foodies.
#47 Arts Degrees
Dammit! Andy wins this one as I dropped out of my art degree to play RAWK!
#46 The Sunday New York Times
They don't sell that in my village newsagent.
#45 Asian Fusion Food
Shit. We're fussy. We go out for sushi and sashimi together but tend to avoid fusion stuff as we are snobby purists.
#44 Public Radio
We were both raised by the BBC. And we both enjoy NPR podcasts from the States.
#43 Plays
Again, we both enjoy plays.
#42 Sushi
Damned right! If we don't go for sushi at least once a week then one of us is in hospital or dead.
Damn! That's just reminded me he'll be in Tokyo for the next six months. BASTARD!!!!!
#41 Indie Music
We're both musicians and both anti-corporate so that's another subject that doesn't define "whiteness".
#40 Apple Products
I win by seven Macs and two iPods against two Macs and one iPod. Yay!
But it's still not a whitey thing.
#39 Netflix
No idea.
Anyone know what that is? Another typo?
#38 Arrested Development
Again, we've drawn a blank. Is it a band?
#37 Renovations
Shit, I stripped my first house down to the brickwork, re-wired, plumbed and plastered it and rebuilt the fucker.
Never again!
Neither of us will raise so much as a screwdriver if there's a chance we can pay some other sucker to do the work.
#36 Breakfast Places
We both love breakfasting out with friends on a weekend.
#35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report
Nope. That's passed us both by.
#34 Architecture
We are both architects, for fuck's sake.
I sit with fellow architects Andy (Ghanaian), Rupa (Indian), Luke (Nigerian) and JJ (from Essex, so probably not classifiable as human). Whitey loses out again.
#33 Marijuana
We both appreciate a toke.
#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism
I was veggie for fifteen years but I love sashimi too much so I gave it up a while back.
Andy's another seafood fan.
#31 Snowboarding
Too fucking cold. Anyone who goes skiing or snowboarding for pleasure is a fucking idiot.
#30 Wrigley Field
I know what that is! Yay! I saw it in the Blues Brothers movie.
Neither Andy or I are interested in American sports, however.
#29 80s Night
We think not.
#28 Not having a TV
I spent most of my life without one and will trash mine when the analogue signal is cut off in a year or so.
Andy doesn't have a TV.
#27 Marathons
Bollocks! We are both lazy-assed motherfuckers.
#26 Manhattan
We loved the movie. The Gershwin soundtrack is just made for a couple of jazz fiends such as ourselves.
As for the place? It's one of those places we both say we'll get to visit someday but probably won't.
#25 David Sedaris
I have only just found out who he is, thanks to you Colonial bloggers.
I gave Andy a podcast and he thinks he's funny, too.
#24 Wine
We are both pissheads.
#23 Microbreweries
Ha! I win one! I have a stash of beer from Phil's pal Mark's microbrewery. Andy will drink any old thing.
#22 Having Two Last Names
He beats me on that one. Chalk one up for Ghana against England.
#21 Writers Workshops
What do writers want with workshops? Do they have big machines to do the writing now? I don't understand.
#20 Being an expert on YOUR culture
I hate "English" culture. Football and celebs? Fuck off!
Andy likes Ghanaian culture so that's another one he wins.
#19 Traveling
Bastard! He's now going to Japan! He's probably landing at Narita while you read this.
#18 Awareness
Another one that Andy wins. I never know what the fuck is going on.
#17 Hating their Parents
We both love our parents.
#16 Gifted Children
Neither of us are breeders and we both find kids annoying and irritating.
#15 Yoga
Not with my back!
Andy says no thanks, too.
#14 Having Black Friends
He wins this one, hands down. I have a fair few black and Asian friends but being born and raised in Ghana is cheating.
#13 Tea
Green. From Shizuoka. For both of us.
#12 Non-Profit Organizations
What's not to love?
#11 Asian Girls
Fuck! Why does this stupid quiz keep reminding me that by the time I get to my Japanese class tomorrow night Andy will be in Tokyo, surrounded by cute Japanese girls?
DAMMIT!
#10 Wes Anderson Movies
A shake of the head from both of us.
#9 Making you feel bad about not going outside
What? That's just plain dumb.
#8 Barack Obama
We're both rooting for him.
#7 Diversity
You know my views on this. Andy feels the same way. Damn! I can't even win THIS one!
#6 Organic Food
Who the fuck would want to put intensively grown agrochemical product in their mouths? Of COURSE we only eat organic food.
#5 Farmer’s Markets
We cruise the markets each day like the couple of faddy foodie snobs we are.
#4 Assists
What is this?
#3 Film Festivals
Ha! I win another one!
#2 Religions their parents don’t belong to
We are both fervent atheists.
#1 Coffee
Again, we always have a Joe on the go.
So …
I'm buggered if I'm going all the way through that lot to check the scores, but I'm fairly certain that on our results, more of the above are signs that you are a black architect from Ghana who plays bass guitar than that you are a whitey.
Have a go yourselves.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Savannah's Movie Meme
My copious and effusive thanks battle against the prevailing winds to cross the Atlantic and land on Savannah's front lawn.
Her delightful little movie meme has once again saved me from the horrors of blogstipation.
So, switch off your mobile phone, stiff-arm the twat munching popcorn in your ear (if that doesn't work, tip his bucket of cola into his lap), plant your knees firmly in the back of the person sitting in front (to keep your shoes off the sticky floor); it's movie time!
1. One movie that made you laugh:
"Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you!"
Of course, it's the wonderful Young Frankenstein.
2. One movie that made you cry: Sheesh! I'll blub at anything!
I have a huge collection of old black and white movies that are guaranteed to make me cry like a baby on rainy Saturday afternoons (kinky, maybe, but as long as I do it in the privacy of my own home …).
Brief Encounter, poor Sydney Carton at the end of A Tale Of Two Cities, Magwich's death in Great Expectations, the list is way too long to write here.
Just narrowing it down to one "blub" movie is far too difficult so let's pick a random weepy moment … Cool! My random pick says
"Forget it, Jake … It's Chinatown …" (cue lovely trumpet and great retro end credits).
3. One movie you loved when you were a child:
Fantasia did it for me.
Apparently the pink elephants from Dumbo freaked me out when I was four … perhaps a prophetic foresight of drinking habits to come.
4. One movie you’ve seen more than once:
The one I've probably watched the most (an obscene amount of times) is Doctor Strangelove (Or How I learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb).
Still relevant today (probably even more so) and still gut-sprainingly hilarious.
5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it:
Die Hard 4 (Ouch! That hurt just typing it).
Well, not "loved" exactly, but it didn't suck anywhere near as much as I expected and yes, I actually enjoyed it.
And it has Flyleaf's "I'm So Sick" in it, which has gotta count for something.
6. One movie you hated:
The American desecrations of Get Carter and The Italian Job … oh, and anything with Nicholas Cage in it.
"Oi, Stallone!
7. One movie that scared you: The original Japanese "Ring"; the bit where the two girls are all alone in the house with "the telephone".
Holy shit.
8. One movie that bored you:
Andy Warhol's 24 hour long "Empire".
We saw it at college one weekend in the blacked-out common room. Actually, it wasn't that boring as we partied through half of it and slept through the rest, waking up to enjoy the last few hours crashed on a floor full of junk food, beer, girls and dope.
9. One movie that made you happy:
Slim Pickens riding the bomb in Doctor Strangelove always cheers me up, but the movie that is guaranteed to leave me with a warm glow is another nuclear annihilation flick (I'm a child of the Cold War), the incomparably splendid The Bed Sitting Room.
What a beautiful little film that was. I can't find a copy on DVD for love nor money, dammit!
10. One movie that made you miserable:
Anything that those masters of child-exploitation, the beard-hating Disney Corporation made after the wonderful Jungle Book.
Just watch the heart-stoppingly beautiful Japanese masterpiece Spirited Away (don't you fucking DARE watch the dubbed version! Read the subtitles and listen to the Japanese or I'll come round and slap you so hard) to see how Disney could have turned out had they not sold Walt's soul to crass commercialism on an obscene scale.
11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see:
Showgirls.
'Nuff said.
12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with:
Charley Varrick (Walter Matthau) in the fabulously sleazy 1970's noir of the same name.
13. The last movie you saw:
Last night - as there was only boring footie on the telly - I watched my favourite noir; singled out by the US government as "the number one menace to American youth in 1955", starring a scenery-chewing Ralph Meeker as Mike Hammer and the debut screen appearance (nude) of Cloris Leachman (tying this neatly to my first choice in this meme, where she plays Frau Blücher … cue sound of horses neighing in terror); that glorious "va-va-voom" of a movie, Kiss Me Deadly.
Fantastic!
14. The next movie you hope to see:
A remake of The Running Man; only this time as a real-life documentary where George Bush (both of 'em), Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are dropped in a remote area of the Afghanistan/Pakistan border with only their lies to defend themselves with and are hunted down, tortured and slaughtered for our entertainment.
Add a Keystone Kops style soundtrack and we've got a winner.
I'll finish this meme with an appeal:
If anyone knows where I can get hold of The Bed Sitting Room and Charley Varrick on DVD (Region 2; not the US versions), PLEASE let me know.
Her delightful little movie meme has once again saved me from the horrors of blogstipation.
So, switch off your mobile phone, stiff-arm the twat munching popcorn in your ear (if that doesn't work, tip his bucket of cola into his lap), plant your knees firmly in the back of the person sitting in front (to keep your shoes off the sticky floor); it's movie time!
1. One movie that made you laugh:
"Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you!"
Of course, it's the wonderful Young Frankenstein.
2. One movie that made you cry: Sheesh! I'll blub at anything!
I have a huge collection of old black and white movies that are guaranteed to make me cry like a baby on rainy Saturday afternoons (kinky, maybe, but as long as I do it in the privacy of my own home …).
Brief Encounter, poor Sydney Carton at the end of A Tale Of Two Cities, Magwich's death in Great Expectations, the list is way too long to write here.
Just narrowing it down to one "blub" movie is far too difficult so let's pick a random weepy moment … Cool! My random pick says
"Forget it, Jake … It's Chinatown …" (cue lovely trumpet and great retro end credits).3. One movie you loved when you were a child:
Fantasia did it for me.
Apparently the pink elephants from Dumbo freaked me out when I was four … perhaps a prophetic foresight of drinking habits to come.
4. One movie you’ve seen more than once:
The one I've probably watched the most (an obscene amount of times) is Doctor Strangelove (Or How I learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb).
Still relevant today (probably even more so) and still gut-sprainingly hilarious.5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it:
Die Hard 4 (Ouch! That hurt just typing it).
Well, not "loved" exactly, but it didn't suck anywhere near as much as I expected and yes, I actually enjoyed it.
And it has Flyleaf's "I'm So Sick" in it, which has gotta count for something.
6. One movie you hated:
The American desecrations of Get Carter and The Italian Job … oh, and anything with Nicholas Cage in it.
"Oi, Stallone!You're a big man, but you're out of shape."
7. One movie that scared you: The original Japanese "Ring"; the bit where the two girls are all alone in the house with "the telephone".
Holy shit.
8. One movie that bored you:
Andy Warhol's 24 hour long "Empire".
We saw it at college one weekend in the blacked-out common room. Actually, it wasn't that boring as we partied through half of it and slept through the rest, waking up to enjoy the last few hours crashed on a floor full of junk food, beer, girls and dope.
9. One movie that made you happy:
Slim Pickens riding the bomb in Doctor Strangelove always cheers me up, but the movie that is guaranteed to leave me with a warm glow is another nuclear annihilation flick (I'm a child of the Cold War), the incomparably splendid The Bed Sitting Room.
What a beautiful little film that was. I can't find a copy on DVD for love nor money, dammit!10. One movie that made you miserable:
Anything that those masters of child-exploitation, the beard-hating Disney Corporation made after the wonderful Jungle Book.
Just watch the heart-stoppingly beautiful Japanese masterpiece Spirited Away (don't you fucking DARE watch the dubbed version! Read the subtitles and listen to the Japanese or I'll come round and slap you so hard) to see how Disney could have turned out had they not sold Walt's soul to crass commercialism on an obscene scale.
11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see:
Showgirls.
'Nuff said.
12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with:
Charley Varrick (Walter Matthau) in the fabulously sleazy 1970's noir of the same name.
13. The last movie you saw:Last night - as there was only boring footie on the telly - I watched my favourite noir; singled out by the US government as "the number one menace to American youth in 1955", starring a scenery-chewing Ralph Meeker as Mike Hammer and the debut screen appearance (nude) of Cloris Leachman (tying this neatly to my first choice in this meme, where she plays Frau Blücher … cue sound of horses neighing in terror); that glorious "va-va-voom" of a movie, Kiss Me Deadly.
Fantastic!14. The next movie you hope to see:
A remake of The Running Man; only this time as a real-life documentary where George Bush (both of 'em), Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are dropped in a remote area of the Afghanistan/Pakistan border with only their lies to defend themselves with and are hunted down, tortured and slaughtered for our entertainment.
Add a Keystone Kops style soundtrack and we've got a winner.
I'll finish this meme with an appeal:
If anyone knows where I can get hold of The Bed Sitting Room and Charley Varrick on DVD (Region 2; not the US versions), PLEASE let me know.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Monday Memes
A couple of memes for a Monday.
One from Betty and one from Maria.
First up:
Betty's musical meme:
Post seven songs that you're really into right now.
It doesn't matter if they're crap, but they should be the ones that are shaping your summer.
Seven songs are a bit much to listen to one after the other while you're cruising blogs, so I'm going to post mine one at a time in the hope that somebody will actually take the time to listen to them.
I'm also selling out and simply posting YouTube clips. Don't worry; it's only for a few days.
I checked the recently played songs on my iPod to see what has been "shaping my summer" and was pleasantly surprised to find this up near the top.
So … I'll start my intermittent and stuttering "meme spread over a week or so" with the man I have idolised since 1963 and a gorgeous song to start anybody's summer: "Bless You".
This was on the wonderful "Walls and Bridges" album in the mid-seventies, though the guy who made the video obviously only has the Menlove Avenue compilation CD.
If you've not got them already, go and buy either album and make me (and Yoko) happy.
This is luscious, gorgeous and reeking of warm summer days. It also has Jesse Ed Davis on guitar which is always a good thing.
Sit back, chill out and start your summer here.
Now while you listen to that, it's Maria's turn.
Much more meme-ish … A bunch of stupid questions for a Monday morning.
TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is your wallpaper on your computer?
Which computer?
I have seven Macs on the go at the mo. I have a bunch of my 3D work on most of them, some Japanese scenes at work, but my favourite desktop is on my old indigo iMac in the studio and is this wonderful shot I stole from Katie's blog.
Q: How many televisions do you have in your house?
I didn't have any for around fifteen years.
Now I have a big, flattie in the living room to play GTA4 on and watch old movies and a tiny old portable in the bedroom to get the news at five in the morning while I'm drying my hair.
I can only get four channels and those intermittently, so as soon as they turn the analogue signal off in a year or so I'll go back to having no TV.
I hate TV.
Though I did enjoy watching Harrison Birtwhistle's new opera "The Minotaur" on BBC2 on Saturday night. Sure, it was on the radio, too, but the cozzies were worth watching, so yes, I guess I'm still a TV slut until things go all-digital.
BIOLOGY
Q: Are you right handed or left handed?
Right handed.
Q:Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Appendix, bits of teeth and jaw, some yucky fluids, but mostly I just get the piss taken out of me.
Q: What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My fat ass out of bed this morning.
Q: Have you ever been knocked out?
Yup. By a door, a car, a motley selection of hard surfaces and several anæsthetists.
BULLSHIT-OLOGY
Q: If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
I'll be choosing that day, so yes, I'll know it in advance.
Q: If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Something else.
Possibly Slartibartfast.
Probably not Chet or Marylou.
Q: What color do you think looks best on you?
Black looks least bad.
Q: Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
Hell, yes. Where's the fun in just eating food?
DARE-OLOGY
Q: Would you kiss a member of the same sex for 100 dollars?
Of course I would. And I'd bang Johnny Depp for free.
Q: Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for 200,000$?
Not a chance. I'm a musician, for fuck's sake.
Q: Would you never blog again for 50,000$?
I'll stop blogging when I get bored with it.
Besides; $50,000? What's that gonna buy these days? A tank of gas?
Q: Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for 1,000$?
Bring it on! This is the man who loves chili eating contests; my record is sixteen raw, scotch-bonnet chilis, well munched before swallowing (I only stopped because I ran out of chilis).
If food isn't hot enough to make my eyeballs bleed I don't wanna know.
Q: Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for a million dollars?
No, but I'd do it for fun.
When we played the game "If you were a serial killer, who would you kill?" I decided I would be "The Comb-over Killer".
I'd target men with comb-overs and simply walk up and shoot them in the head.
Those fuckwits don't deserve to live.
It would be a mercy killing and a valuable service to taste and decency.
No jury would ever convict me.
DUMB-OLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
I have no idea. I'm naked and my pockets are upstairs in the wardrobe.
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
Ask someone who gives a shit.
Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Carpet. I live in a cold climate.
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Who the fuck sits in a shower?
I stand.
Unless I've slipped on my ass, of course. Then I'll sit and run through a few choice phrases from my Profanisaurus.
Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
None.
Life's too short to be seen in flip-flops.
Unless you're Joy … she even wears hers in the snow!
LAST-OLOGY
Q: Last person who texted you?
Nobody has ever texted me, and nobody ever will. Nor will I ever text anybody.
The word "text" is not a verb on Planet Dive.
There are no mobile phones here, either.
Don't try to bring one into my house unless you're feeling particularly frisky and it is well greased, 'cos it's going straight up your ass.
Q: Last person who called you?
Gosh, I can't remember.
I think it was Chris, around three weeks ago, to tell me he was on his way over to pick me up when we went to the Aussie Pink Floyd Show at the university.
You know I have my phone on mute most of the time.
I hate telephones.
Q: Last person you hugged?
Lucy, Saturday.
FAVOURITE-OLOGY
Q: Number?
13
Q: Season?
Spring. So that's my enjoyment over for another year.
Q: Color?
Black.
Stupid question, really.
CURRENT-OLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
I never miss.
Q: Mood?
Black with the occasional flash of blue.
Q: Listening to?
Nothing.
It's absolutely silent out here today. Not enough wind to stir the trees and the birds are too busy feeding chicks to sit and sing.
No cars, no planes, no stupid fucking people …
Lovely.
Q: Worrying about?
Nothing.
What the fuck is the point of worrying about anything?
Shit will happen.
You will cope with it or you will die.
Why worry?
Q: Wearing?
My saggy old skin. A frown. Oh, and my glasses.
RANDOM-OLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
The bathroom.
Q: What can you not wait to do?
Well, I've got the ironing to do later.
Then there's death.
The rest I'll just take as it comes.
Q: Do you smile often?
Not so much that it would unnerve passers-by.
Q: Are you a friendly person?
Of course. I love everybody unreservedly.
La-la-la. Happy, friendly me.
Yeah, right.
That's your lot.
Enjoy your Monday.
One from Betty and one from Maria.
First up:
Betty's musical meme:
Post seven songs that you're really into right now.
It doesn't matter if they're crap, but they should be the ones that are shaping your summer.
Seven songs are a bit much to listen to one after the other while you're cruising blogs, so I'm going to post mine one at a time in the hope that somebody will actually take the time to listen to them.
I'm also selling out and simply posting YouTube clips. Don't worry; it's only for a few days.
I checked the recently played songs on my iPod to see what has been "shaping my summer" and was pleasantly surprised to find this up near the top.
So … I'll start my intermittent and stuttering "meme spread over a week or so" with the man I have idolised since 1963 and a gorgeous song to start anybody's summer: "Bless You".
This was on the wonderful "Walls and Bridges" album in the mid-seventies, though the guy who made the video obviously only has the Menlove Avenue compilation CD.
If you've not got them already, go and buy either album and make me (and Yoko) happy.
This is luscious, gorgeous and reeking of warm summer days. It also has Jesse Ed Davis on guitar which is always a good thing.
Sit back, chill out and start your summer here.
Now while you listen to that, it's Maria's turn.
Much more meme-ish … A bunch of stupid questions for a Monday morning.
TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is your wallpaper on your computer?
Which computer?
I have seven Macs on the go at the mo. I have a bunch of my 3D work on most of them, some Japanese scenes at work, but my favourite desktop is on my old indigo iMac in the studio and is this wonderful shot I stole from Katie's blog.
Q: How many televisions do you have in your house?I didn't have any for around fifteen years.
Now I have a big, flattie in the living room to play GTA4 on and watch old movies and a tiny old portable in the bedroom to get the news at five in the morning while I'm drying my hair.
I can only get four channels and those intermittently, so as soon as they turn the analogue signal off in a year or so I'll go back to having no TV.
I hate TV.
Though I did enjoy watching Harrison Birtwhistle's new opera "The Minotaur" on BBC2 on Saturday night. Sure, it was on the radio, too, but the cozzies were worth watching, so yes, I guess I'm still a TV slut until things go all-digital.
BIOLOGY
Q: Are you right handed or left handed?
Right handed.
Q:Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Appendix, bits of teeth and jaw, some yucky fluids, but mostly I just get the piss taken out of me.
Q: What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My fat ass out of bed this morning.
Q: Have you ever been knocked out?
Yup. By a door, a car, a motley selection of hard surfaces and several anæsthetists.
BULLSHIT-OLOGY
Q: If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
I'll be choosing that day, so yes, I'll know it in advance.
Q: If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Something else.
Possibly Slartibartfast.
Probably not Chet or Marylou.
Q: What color do you think looks best on you?
Black looks least bad.
Q: Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
Hell, yes. Where's the fun in just eating food?
DARE-OLOGY
Q: Would you kiss a member of the same sex for 100 dollars?
Of course I would. And I'd bang Johnny Depp for free.
Q: Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for 200,000$?
Not a chance. I'm a musician, for fuck's sake.
Q: Would you never blog again for 50,000$?
I'll stop blogging when I get bored with it.
Besides; $50,000? What's that gonna buy these days? A tank of gas?
Q: Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for 1,000$?
Bring it on! This is the man who loves chili eating contests; my record is sixteen raw, scotch-bonnet chilis, well munched before swallowing (I only stopped because I ran out of chilis).
If food isn't hot enough to make my eyeballs bleed I don't wanna know.
Q: Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for a million dollars?
No, but I'd do it for fun.
When we played the game "If you were a serial killer, who would you kill?" I decided I would be "The Comb-over Killer".
I'd target men with comb-overs and simply walk up and shoot them in the head.
Those fuckwits don't deserve to live.
It would be a mercy killing and a valuable service to taste and decency.
No jury would ever convict me.
DUMB-OLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
I have no idea. I'm naked and my pockets are upstairs in the wardrobe.
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
Ask someone who gives a shit.
Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Carpet. I live in a cold climate.
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Who the fuck sits in a shower?
I stand.
Unless I've slipped on my ass, of course. Then I'll sit and run through a few choice phrases from my Profanisaurus.
Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
None.
Life's too short to be seen in flip-flops.
Unless you're Joy … she even wears hers in the snow!
LAST-OLOGY
Q: Last person who texted you?
Nobody has ever texted me, and nobody ever will. Nor will I ever text anybody.
The word "text" is not a verb on Planet Dive.
There are no mobile phones here, either.
Don't try to bring one into my house unless you're feeling particularly frisky and it is well greased, 'cos it's going straight up your ass.
Q: Last person who called you?
Gosh, I can't remember.
I think it was Chris, around three weeks ago, to tell me he was on his way over to pick me up when we went to the Aussie Pink Floyd Show at the university.
You know I have my phone on mute most of the time.
I hate telephones.
Q: Last person you hugged?
Lucy, Saturday.
FAVOURITE-OLOGY
Q: Number?
13
Q: Season?
Spring. So that's my enjoyment over for another year.
Q: Color?
Black.
Stupid question, really.
CURRENT-OLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
I never miss.
Q: Mood?
Black with the occasional flash of blue.
Q: Listening to?
Nothing.
It's absolutely silent out here today. Not enough wind to stir the trees and the birds are too busy feeding chicks to sit and sing.
No cars, no planes, no stupid fucking people …
Lovely.
Q: Worrying about?
Nothing.
What the fuck is the point of worrying about anything?
Shit will happen.
You will cope with it or you will die.
Why worry?
Q: Wearing?
My saggy old skin. A frown. Oh, and my glasses.
RANDOM-OLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
The bathroom.
Q: What can you not wait to do?
Well, I've got the ironing to do later.
Then there's death.
The rest I'll just take as it comes.
Q: Do you smile often?
Not so much that it would unnerve passers-by.
Q: Are you a friendly person?
Of course. I love everybody unreservedly.
La-la-la. Happy, friendly me.
Yeah, right.
That's your lot.
Enjoy your Monday.
Friday, June 06, 2008
The Oboe: What The Fuck Is That All About?
Thank goodness for Maria. She rides to my rescue again, armed with yet another meme to cure my bloggers' block.
The Alphabet Meme.
A is for your age:
Forty-nine.
Shit!
B is for your burger of choice:
Gack!
I've never been in (let alone put into my mouth) a Mc.D. Or a KFC or a Pizza Hut or any other junk food craporium and I never will.
So "burger of choice" would be "none".
C is for the car that you drive:
Small. Black. Cute. Sexy.
D is for dog's name:
I'm a dogless person so I'll choose my favourite blog-dog: Hassan's wonderful, übercute eater of Savannah's glasses (twice), Ghostface Killah.
E is for an essential item you use each day:
The Interweb.
F is for your favourite television show:
I don't do telly.
I do, however, have a bunch of DVDs of shows I watch on my Mac.
From the States: Frasier, The Simpsons, Buffy.
From the UK: Black Books, Green Wing, Phoenix Nights.
Choose from one of those.
G is for favourite game:
Usually chess, though Scrabble if I'm feeling pedantic and I want to yell at stupid people.
Oh, and GTA4 when I get home from a shitty commute … There are times when one simply has no option but to tool up and gun the fuck out of the world.
H is for hometown:
Imtarfa in Malta, according to my birth certificate, but I don't remember it. My current hometown is anywhere with no mobile phone reception.
I is for instruments played:
Everything except the oboe.
I can't raise a squeak out of one of those fuckers, even with Dizzy Gillespie cheeks.
I don't think anyone can actually play the oboe; they're just faking it. They sit there and mime while somebody under their chair squeezes farts out of a rat.
Any oboe players out there want to give me a clue how to get the stupid thing started?
J is for favourite juice:
Why, lady-juice of course.
Hee hee … OW!
K is for what you'd like to kick:
Everything and everybody.
Hard!
L is for last restaurant you dined at:
The new Wasabi that just opened on Victoria Street in Westminster. Andy treated me as thanks for teaching him how to cheat at work.
M is for your favourite Muppet:
Beaker.
Suave, sophisticated. I model my dating technique on him.
N is for number of piercings you have:
None.
I have sufficient holes in my body, thank you very much. They cause enough trouble as it is.
O is for overnight hospital stays:
Sheesh. Er … One biggie when my appendix burst and I got peritonitis. That was a whole bunch of no fun.
And several more for various things. I'm too old to remember most of them.
P is for people you were with today:
The usual idiots on the train.
The usual idiots on the tube.
The usual idiots in the office.
Nathalie in the deli.
Q is for what you do in quiet times:
Read. Chill. Vegetate. Concentrate really hard on trying to grow fins.
R is for regrets:
Holy crap! I have the world's largest collection of regrets. I manage to pick up several new ones every day.
Let's just say "life."
S is for status:
Fat, ugly, balding, middle-aged sad bastard who lives alone and is likely to stay that way.
T is for time you woke up today:
Don't remind me.
4:40AM as usual; just before the alarms start shrieking at me.
U is for what you consider unique:
My cheery, optimistic view of the universe and my deep love of the people in it.
V is for favourite vegetable:
I kinda like Keira Knightley.
W is for your worst habit:
Blogging. Or kidding myself that one day a woman will find me attractive enough not to point and laugh.
X is for x-rays you have had:
I think I've managed to collect the whole set over the decades.
Y is for yummy food you ate today:
It's not lunchtime yet, so fat all. Today, it'll be a toss up between sashimi and seafood noodles; depends on which places have the shortest queues.
Z is for zodiac sign:
I don't do star signs.
What month is the sign of the Grumpy Old Fucker? That'll be me.
The Alphabet Meme.
A is for your age:
Forty-nine.
Shit!
B is for your burger of choice:
Gack!
I've never been in (let alone put into my mouth) a Mc.D. Or a KFC or a Pizza Hut or any other junk food craporium and I never will.
So "burger of choice" would be "none".
C is for the car that you drive:
Small. Black. Cute. Sexy.
D is for dog's name:
I'm a dogless person so I'll choose my favourite blog-dog: Hassan's wonderful, übercute eater of Savannah's glasses (twice), Ghostface Killah.
E is for an essential item you use each day:
The Interweb.
F is for your favourite television show:
I don't do telly.
I do, however, have a bunch of DVDs of shows I watch on my Mac.
From the States: Frasier, The Simpsons, Buffy.
From the UK: Black Books, Green Wing, Phoenix Nights.
Choose from one of those.
G is for favourite game:
Usually chess, though Scrabble if I'm feeling pedantic and I want to yell at stupid people.
Oh, and GTA4 when I get home from a shitty commute … There are times when one simply has no option but to tool up and gun the fuck out of the world.
H is for hometown:
Imtarfa in Malta, according to my birth certificate, but I don't remember it. My current hometown is anywhere with no mobile phone reception.
I is for instruments played:
Everything except the oboe.
I can't raise a squeak out of one of those fuckers, even with Dizzy Gillespie cheeks.
I don't think anyone can actually play the oboe; they're just faking it. They sit there and mime while somebody under their chair squeezes farts out of a rat.
Any oboe players out there want to give me a clue how to get the stupid thing started?
J is for favourite juice:
Why, lady-juice of course.
Hee hee … OW!
K is for what you'd like to kick:
Everything and everybody.
Hard!
L is for last restaurant you dined at:
The new Wasabi that just opened on Victoria Street in Westminster. Andy treated me as thanks for teaching him how to cheat at work.
M is for your favourite Muppet:
Beaker.
Suave, sophisticated. I model my dating technique on him.
N is for number of piercings you have:
None.
I have sufficient holes in my body, thank you very much. They cause enough trouble as it is.
O is for overnight hospital stays:
Sheesh. Er … One biggie when my appendix burst and I got peritonitis. That was a whole bunch of no fun.
And several more for various things. I'm too old to remember most of them.
P is for people you were with today:
The usual idiots on the train.
The usual idiots on the tube.
The usual idiots in the office.
Nathalie in the deli.
Q is for what you do in quiet times:
Read. Chill. Vegetate. Concentrate really hard on trying to grow fins.
R is for regrets:
Holy crap! I have the world's largest collection of regrets. I manage to pick up several new ones every day.
Let's just say "life."
S is for status:
Fat, ugly, balding, middle-aged sad bastard who lives alone and is likely to stay that way.
T is for time you woke up today:
Don't remind me.
4:40AM as usual; just before the alarms start shrieking at me.
U is for what you consider unique:
My cheery, optimistic view of the universe and my deep love of the people in it.
V is for favourite vegetable:
I kinda like Keira Knightley.
W is for your worst habit:
Blogging. Or kidding myself that one day a woman will find me attractive enough not to point and laugh.
X is for x-rays you have had:
I think I've managed to collect the whole set over the decades.
Y is for yummy food you ate today:
It's not lunchtime yet, so fat all. Today, it'll be a toss up between sashimi and seafood noodles; depends on which places have the shortest queues.
Z is for zodiac sign:
I don't do star signs.
What month is the sign of the Grumpy Old Fucker? That'll be me.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Meme-ette
Huge thanks once again to Savannah for this compact and bijou meme-ette.
Were it not for this you would have suffered more crap about boring guitars or moaning about trains.
This meme had lots of rules - or at least it did before it got here, where those things go straight in the bin.
Basically, it's "fess up about six unspectacular quirks of yours."
Easy peasy, I thought. I am probably the least spectacular person on the planet so unspectacular things follow me around like Pigpen's dust cloud.
It's quirks that are the problem.
I'm not the least bit quirky.
I am perfectly normal.
It's the rest of you who are quirky.
In fact some of you are downright weird (I say that in the knowledge than none of you are close enough to punch me).
I mean, I'm a bit anal with my books and I iron my boxer shorts, but that's not quirky; I just like to be able to find what I want to read and to do it in non-wrinkly underwear.
Having spent the whole train journey trying to think of quirky behaviour and coming up empty I shall have to scrape the barrel.
Shit. Where do I start?
Hokay …
1. I never wear any jewellery. No rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings or any of that crap. Just lately I've stopped wearing a watch, too. It always told me things I didn't want to know.
No tats or piercings, either; just the odd scar.
2. As I really can't think of much else I suppose I'll have to include my obsession with lovely straight towels, every piece of cutlery in the correct place (and the right way round) in the cutlery drawer, and if anyone moves something in my house so it's not quite square they're dead meat.
3. I regard this as perfectly normal behaviour but some oddballs amongst you might not:
I hate telephones. I absolutely loathe the fuckers.
For years I wouldn't have one in the house and now I only allow it under sufferance as it's the only way I can get online and work from home.
It stays on mute unless I'm expecting a call from the office, so don't try ringing the smegging thing (I'm not in the directory anyway).
As for fucking mobiles … well, you know my views.
It's bad enough having a fixed telephone at home (it lives at the bottom of the vegetable rack in the kitchen, underneath a cushion in case you're curious); the thought of one that actually follows me around gives me the screaming horrors.
I seem to remember when they first came out, everyone (and this means you; don't deny it) saying "Oh, I'll only use it for emergencies. What if my car breaks down?"
Yeah, right.
"Hi! I'm on the train!"
Bastard! I'll give you a fucking emergency!
4. I'm a pretentious twat with shelves full of lovely, stinky, leather-bound editions of Homer, Virgil, Dante, Milton, Shakespeare, Goethe, all the classics, plus Dickens and lots of good, turgid Russian literature, yet I still read comic books.
I am a huge fan of Love and Rockets.
I've collected it since it started in the early eighties and I regard it as great literature.
5. I loathe television.
Face it; it's crap.
For fifteen years I had a life instead of a television.
Now I have one but only to watch old black and white movies and to play Grand Theft Auto on the PS2 and PS3.
I can watch movies on my Mac so as soon as they come up with a monitor for the PS3 that isn't a television I'll ditch the fucking thing again.
6. I can do "this" with my thumbs.
Cool, huh?
I don't have a video camera so you'll just have to take my word for it.
Whew! That was really difficult. I simply don't have quirks. I am the quintessence of normality (NEVER "normalcy")!
Anyhoo … have a go if you feel like it, you quirky people, you.
Were it not for this you would have suffered more crap about boring guitars or moaning about trains.
This meme had lots of rules - or at least it did before it got here, where those things go straight in the bin.
Basically, it's "fess up about six unspectacular quirks of yours."
Easy peasy, I thought. I am probably the least spectacular person on the planet so unspectacular things follow me around like Pigpen's dust cloud.
It's quirks that are the problem.
I'm not the least bit quirky.
I am perfectly normal.
It's the rest of you who are quirky.
In fact some of you are downright weird (I say that in the knowledge than none of you are close enough to punch me).
I mean, I'm a bit anal with my books and I iron my boxer shorts, but that's not quirky; I just like to be able to find what I want to read and to do it in non-wrinkly underwear.
Having spent the whole train journey trying to think of quirky behaviour and coming up empty I shall have to scrape the barrel.
Shit. Where do I start?
Hokay …
1. I never wear any jewellery. No rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings or any of that crap. Just lately I've stopped wearing a watch, too. It always told me things I didn't want to know.
No tats or piercings, either; just the odd scar.
2. As I really can't think of much else I suppose I'll have to include my obsession with lovely straight towels, every piece of cutlery in the correct place (and the right way round) in the cutlery drawer, and if anyone moves something in my house so it's not quite square they're dead meat.
3. I regard this as perfectly normal behaviour but some oddballs amongst you might not:
I hate telephones. I absolutely loathe the fuckers.
For years I wouldn't have one in the house and now I only allow it under sufferance as it's the only way I can get online and work from home.
It stays on mute unless I'm expecting a call from the office, so don't try ringing the smegging thing (I'm not in the directory anyway).
As for fucking mobiles … well, you know my views.
It's bad enough having a fixed telephone at home (it lives at the bottom of the vegetable rack in the kitchen, underneath a cushion in case you're curious); the thought of one that actually follows me around gives me the screaming horrors.
I seem to remember when they first came out, everyone (and this means you; don't deny it) saying "Oh, I'll only use it for emergencies. What if my car breaks down?"
Yeah, right.
"Hi! I'm on the train!"
Bastard! I'll give you a fucking emergency!
4. I'm a pretentious twat with shelves full of lovely, stinky, leather-bound editions of Homer, Virgil, Dante, Milton, Shakespeare, Goethe, all the classics, plus Dickens and lots of good, turgid Russian literature, yet I still read comic books.
I am a huge fan of Love and Rockets.
I've collected it since it started in the early eighties and I regard it as great literature.
5. I loathe television.
Face it; it's crap.
For fifteen years I had a life instead of a television.
Now I have one but only to watch old black and white movies and to play Grand Theft Auto on the PS2 and PS3.
I can watch movies on my Mac so as soon as they come up with a monitor for the PS3 that isn't a television I'll ditch the fucking thing again.
6. I can do "this" with my thumbs.
Cool, huh?
I don't have a video camera so you'll just have to take my word for it.
Whew! That was really difficult. I simply don't have quirks. I am the quintessence of normality (NEVER "normalcy")!
Anyhoo … have a go if you feel like it, you quirky people, you.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Short, Filler Meme
As Maria is taking a - hopefully very short - blogging break and she is my usual mine of memes, I am grateful to Savannah for leaping to my aid and coming up with this one:
5 Things in my bag:
My iPod, without which I could never survive long-distance commuting.
My Macbook Pro; the widescreen 17-incher for watching DVDs … er … I mean working … on the train.
A shoehorn.
An old woolly scarf I roll up as a headrest on the train (seven hours a day is a long time to sit up straight in a crappy seat built for a midget).
Pens … Lots of pens. The little buggers seem to breed in there.
5 Favourite things in my bedroom:
Old Les. Nuff said.
My bed, with clean, fresh linen and gloriously yummy goose-down pillows. Sigh.
My Bose radio.
My exercise bike. It's set up by the window so I get a nice breeze when I'm pedalling away.
The fifth favourite would be a toss up between an old lava lamp in the shape of a spaceship and a big old retro, forties-style chrome fan; I'll plump for the lamp in the winter and the fan in the summer.
5 Things I have always wanted to do:
Be a spaceman.
Travel the world and look at stuff.
Er … I think I've done everything else I wanted to do, so let's add the three I'd like to do next:
Have sex with girls.
Be happy.
Die.
I think I'll manage one out of three.
5 Things I'm currently into:
Learning Japanese. As I'm kinda just filling in time, waiting for death, I thought I'd better find something pleasantly futile to do to use up all those hours. And then I really got into it. Hey ho.
Playing guitar.
Trying to get a date.
Making it through each day without screaming too much.
I suppose I've got sucked into blogging, too.
5 People to tag:
You know I don't tag.
5 Things in my bag:
My iPod, without which I could never survive long-distance commuting.
My Macbook Pro; the widescreen 17-incher for watching DVDs … er … I mean working … on the train.
A shoehorn.
An old woolly scarf I roll up as a headrest on the train (seven hours a day is a long time to sit up straight in a crappy seat built for a midget).
Pens … Lots of pens. The little buggers seem to breed in there.
5 Favourite things in my bedroom:
Old Les. Nuff said.
My bed, with clean, fresh linen and gloriously yummy goose-down pillows. Sigh.
My Bose radio.
My exercise bike. It's set up by the window so I get a nice breeze when I'm pedalling away.
The fifth favourite would be a toss up between an old lava lamp in the shape of a spaceship and a big old retro, forties-style chrome fan; I'll plump for the lamp in the winter and the fan in the summer.
5 Things I have always wanted to do:
Be a spaceman.
Travel the world and look at stuff.
Er … I think I've done everything else I wanted to do, so let's add the three I'd like to do next:
Have sex with girls.
Be happy.
Die.
I think I'll manage one out of three.
5 Things I'm currently into:
Learning Japanese. As I'm kinda just filling in time, waiting for death, I thought I'd better find something pleasantly futile to do to use up all those hours. And then I really got into it. Hey ho.
Playing guitar.
Trying to get a date.
Making it through each day without screaming too much.
I suppose I've got sucked into blogging, too.
5 People to tag:
You know I don't tag.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Morrissey's Rubber Sheet
If there is a God, then may He, She, It or Them bless Maria for saving me from blogger's block once again and presenting me with a meme.
This one says, put your iPod on shuffle and press next for each question. Write down the song that's playing as an answer.
This could either be fun or a complete disaster (much like the options that greet me when my alarms go off every morning).
I'll weed out the classical ones, as answering "What Do You Like In A Guy/Girl?" with "Scuoti quella fronda di ciliegio" or "Variatio 15 a 1 Clav. Canone alla Quinta in moto contrario" is not going to get us anywhere.
Right! Eyes down … Let the crap hit the fan!
1) How would you describe yourself?
Glorious Fool, by John Martyn, from the album of the same name.
I kid you not; this was the first track that came up!
Maybe my shuffle button knows the inner secrets of the universe.
Okay; I liked that one. What's up next?
2) What do you like in a guy/girl?
Blue Boy, by Joni Mitchell, from Ladies Of The Canyon.
HA!
I knew the first song was too good to be true; I just KNEW it!
C'mon, guys! I like kissing girls and looking at pert little boobs. I do NOT like … er … boys; blue or otherwise.
Okay, so my house looks like it's been attacked by gay decorators and is full of Tiffany lamps and paintings and books but that doesn't mean I … er …
Aww crap!
3) What is your motto?
Hello Central, Give Me Heaven, by The Carter Family, from The Best Of The Carter Family, Volume II.
Holy fuck! Perhaps God knows something this old atheist doesn't.
Shan; you could be right, my friend.
4) What do your friends think of you?
Complete Control, by The Clash, digitised off the original single.
Hee hee. I LOVE this meme! It tells lies about me that make me giggle.
For the record, I am not a control freak.
I AM NOT!
5) What do you think about often?
Broken Hearts Are For Assholes, by Frank Zappa, off Sheik Yerbouti.
Cool!
And true.
I've had enough of broken fucking hearts.
6) What do your parents think of you?
Puddin' Fingers, by The Handsome Family, off Milk And Scissors.
Yup. Phil and me always argued and fought to be the one to clean out the mixing bowl when mum baked cakes and puds.
Dee-smegging-licious!
7) What do you think of your best friend?
Be True, Be True Blues, by Henry Sims and Charley Patton, off Charley Patton: The Complete Recordings: Disc III.
Well, I suppose my small bunch of best buddies have lasted me the best part of fifty years, so they're pretty damned true.
8) What do you think of the person you like?
The Fat Lady Of Limbourg, by Brian Eno, from Taking Tiger Mountain By Strategy.
Uh-oh … Shit, I'm in big trouble now.
9) What do you want to be when you grow up?
Underdog, by Lisa Loeb, from Hello Lisa.
Yeah, I suppose I'm comfortable with that.
Not that I ever want to grow up.
10) What do you think when you see the person you like?
It Hurts So Good, by Millie Jackson, digitised from the original single.
Wow! This meme speaks more truth than the Magic Eight Ball did when I was a kid!
11) What song will they play at your wedding?
Woo Hoo, by the 5,6,7,8s, from the Kill Bill Soundtrack.
I think that one speaks for itself. Woohoo!
12) What will they play at your funeral?
Slidin' Home, by Danny Gatton, off 88, Elmira Street.
Fuck, I cannot believe this! I am honestly not cheating; just sitting here, hitting the next track button and grinning like a fool.
13) What is your hobby/interest?
Emily, by Bill Evans, from Bill Evans Live.
Really? I know three Emilys and I'm pretty damned sure this will give them nightmares.
14) What is your biggest fear?
All Of You, by Miles Davis, off 'Round About Midnight.
Hee hee hee! I laughed my socks off when this one came up.
Sorry, guys, but it looks like y'all are truly scary.
15) What is your biggest secret?
To Die A Virgin, by The Divine Comedy, off Victory For The Comic Muse.
Holy frijole, this just gets funnier and funnier.
Er … Okay, so I've not had sex for so many millennia that perhaps I can class myself as a born-again virgin.
16) What do you think of your friends?
Come On In My Kitchen, by Robert Johnson, from Robert Johnson, The Complete Recordings, Volume I
Aaaahh. that's kinda sweet.
C'mon in, folks; the kettle's singin' and I'm cookin' up a storm.
17) What is your theme song?
Hey, Nineteen, by Steely Dan, off Gaucho.
Holy crapola! My midlife crisis has burst out of the closet.
Okay, I'll fess up! Just like in the song, I want to sleep with nineteen year olds while drinking tequila and snorting coke. Who the fuck doesn't?
Well maybe not the coke …
18) What do you think of your family?
I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore, by Dusty Springfield, off Dusty In Memphis.
Hee hee hee. Well, Mum and Phil often pop in to read this, so now they know.
19) What is your best friend's theme song?
Kittypants, by Shellac, off Excellent Italian Greyhound.
Yeah, right!
20) What is your mood right now?
Morrissey's Rubber Sheet, a talky anecdote about Morrissey and … er … a rubber sheet, off a bootleg recording of Billy Bragg, Live At The Barbican.
Well, I suppose that probably does indeed sum things up right now.
21) If your heart could talk what would it say?
Love Will Tear Us Apart: Susanna And The Magical Orchestra's lovely cover of the old Joy Division classic.
Actually, it's a bit late for that.
22) What do your co-workers think of you?
Muskrat Love, by America, from The Definitive America.
Now you're just taking the piss.
23) What does your future look like?
Fareweel (sic) Regality, by Rachel Unthank And The Winterset, off The Bairns.
Woohoo!
Hoorah for a bunch of fat Noocastle birds singing folk songs in their front room. They've foretold the downfall of the monarchy.
Sorry, Lynn, but the Magic iPod never lies … except of course with the Blue Boy thing.
Well, that was refreshing.
I think you'd all be well advised to sit there with that bunch of questions and flick through your songs on shuffle and see just what it says about you.
This one says, put your iPod on shuffle and press next for each question. Write down the song that's playing as an answer.
This could either be fun or a complete disaster (much like the options that greet me when my alarms go off every morning).
I'll weed out the classical ones, as answering "What Do You Like In A Guy/Girl?" with "Scuoti quella fronda di ciliegio" or "Variatio 15 a 1 Clav. Canone alla Quinta in moto contrario" is not going to get us anywhere.
Right! Eyes down … Let the crap hit the fan!
1) How would you describe yourself?
Glorious Fool, by John Martyn, from the album of the same name.
I kid you not; this was the first track that came up!
Maybe my shuffle button knows the inner secrets of the universe.
Okay; I liked that one. What's up next?
2) What do you like in a guy/girl?
Blue Boy, by Joni Mitchell, from Ladies Of The Canyon.
HA!
I knew the first song was too good to be true; I just KNEW it!
C'mon, guys! I like kissing girls and looking at pert little boobs. I do NOT like … er … boys; blue or otherwise.
Okay, so my house looks like it's been attacked by gay decorators and is full of Tiffany lamps and paintings and books but that doesn't mean I … er …
Aww crap!
3) What is your motto?
Hello Central, Give Me Heaven, by The Carter Family, from The Best Of The Carter Family, Volume II.
Holy fuck! Perhaps God knows something this old atheist doesn't.
Shan; you could be right, my friend.
4) What do your friends think of you?
Complete Control, by The Clash, digitised off the original single.
Hee hee. I LOVE this meme! It tells lies about me that make me giggle.
For the record, I am not a control freak.
I AM NOT!
5) What do you think about often?
Broken Hearts Are For Assholes, by Frank Zappa, off Sheik Yerbouti.
Cool!
And true.
I've had enough of broken fucking hearts.
6) What do your parents think of you?
Puddin' Fingers, by The Handsome Family, off Milk And Scissors.
Yup. Phil and me always argued and fought to be the one to clean out the mixing bowl when mum baked cakes and puds.
Dee-smegging-licious!
7) What do you think of your best friend?
Be True, Be True Blues, by Henry Sims and Charley Patton, off Charley Patton: The Complete Recordings: Disc III.
Well, I suppose my small bunch of best buddies have lasted me the best part of fifty years, so they're pretty damned true.
8) What do you think of the person you like?
The Fat Lady Of Limbourg, by Brian Eno, from Taking Tiger Mountain By Strategy.
Uh-oh … Shit, I'm in big trouble now.
9) What do you want to be when you grow up?
Underdog, by Lisa Loeb, from Hello Lisa.
Yeah, I suppose I'm comfortable with that.
Not that I ever want to grow up.
10) What do you think when you see the person you like?
It Hurts So Good, by Millie Jackson, digitised from the original single.
Wow! This meme speaks more truth than the Magic Eight Ball did when I was a kid!
11) What song will they play at your wedding?
Woo Hoo, by the 5,6,7,8s, from the Kill Bill Soundtrack.
I think that one speaks for itself. Woohoo!
12) What will they play at your funeral?
Slidin' Home, by Danny Gatton, off 88, Elmira Street.
Fuck, I cannot believe this! I am honestly not cheating; just sitting here, hitting the next track button and grinning like a fool.
13) What is your hobby/interest?
Emily, by Bill Evans, from Bill Evans Live.
Really? I know three Emilys and I'm pretty damned sure this will give them nightmares.
14) What is your biggest fear?
All Of You, by Miles Davis, off 'Round About Midnight.
Hee hee hee! I laughed my socks off when this one came up.
Sorry, guys, but it looks like y'all are truly scary.
15) What is your biggest secret?
To Die A Virgin, by The Divine Comedy, off Victory For The Comic Muse.
Holy frijole, this just gets funnier and funnier.
Er … Okay, so I've not had sex for so many millennia that perhaps I can class myself as a born-again virgin.
16) What do you think of your friends?
Come On In My Kitchen, by Robert Johnson, from Robert Johnson, The Complete Recordings, Volume I
Aaaahh. that's kinda sweet.
C'mon in, folks; the kettle's singin' and I'm cookin' up a storm.
17) What is your theme song?
Hey, Nineteen, by Steely Dan, off Gaucho.
Holy crapola! My midlife crisis has burst out of the closet.
Okay, I'll fess up! Just like in the song, I want to sleep with nineteen year olds while drinking tequila and snorting coke. Who the fuck doesn't?
Well maybe not the coke …
18) What do you think of your family?
I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore, by Dusty Springfield, off Dusty In Memphis.
Hee hee hee. Well, Mum and Phil often pop in to read this, so now they know.
19) What is your best friend's theme song?
Kittypants, by Shellac, off Excellent Italian Greyhound.
Yeah, right!
20) What is your mood right now?
Morrissey's Rubber Sheet, a talky anecdote about Morrissey and … er … a rubber sheet, off a bootleg recording of Billy Bragg, Live At The Barbican.
Well, I suppose that probably does indeed sum things up right now.
21) If your heart could talk what would it say?
Love Will Tear Us Apart: Susanna And The Magical Orchestra's lovely cover of the old Joy Division classic.
Actually, it's a bit late for that.
22) What do your co-workers think of you?
Muskrat Love, by America, from The Definitive America.
Now you're just taking the piss.
23) What does your future look like?
Fareweel (sic) Regality, by Rachel Unthank And The Winterset, off The Bairns.
Woohoo!
Hoorah for a bunch of fat Noocastle birds singing folk songs in their front room. They've foretold the downfall of the monarchy.
Sorry, Lynn, but the Magic iPod never lies … except of course with the Blue Boy thing.
Well, that was refreshing.
I think you'd all be well advised to sit there with that bunch of questions and flick through your songs on shuffle and see just what it says about you.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
What The Fuck's A Slurpee?
Thank God for memes.
It's been such a totally shit-fuck week that I thought I'd never blog again and suddenly Shazza rides to my rescue with this! Bless her cotton socks.
And a big fuck you to all you meme haters.
Eyes down for a bunch of crap. Here goes:
1) Are you taller than your mother?
Yup.
2) What colour is your car?
Black.
Silly question … Clothes, black; car, black; life, black.
3) What is the closest thing to you that is red?
Rather a lot of leather bound books.
Far more than is decent outside of the British Library, but anyone who asks "What on earth do you want more books for?" gets a slap.
This means you.
4) What is your ringtone?
No ringtone … No phone (as you should know by now).
5) Are you sick?
As in "one sick puppy"? … Yup.
As in unwell? Not physically, though I tore a muscle in my shoulder yesterday which is making me cranky enough to be glad we're not allowed handguns over here.
6) What colour is your favourite pillow?
White.
And filled with goose down. As are all my pillows.
I love pillows. Mmmmmmmmm.
7) Favourite video game?
Grand Theft Auto; probably the San Andreas one.
There are moments in my life when I simply have to steal a car, drive like fuck around Los Angeles and shoot people in the head. GTA means I don't end up in jail doing it. Thanks, guys.
8) Nap today?
No. My fucking shoulder hurts too much.
9) Gold or silver?
Silver. Gold's tacky.
10) Is there an animal that creeps you out?
Not as much as people do.
11) The last person you rode an elevator with?
Squeaky Kate. We were feeling too damned lazy to walk up all those flights of stairs. I know, I KNOW!
12) Did you go ice skating as a kid?
Only on the river or ponds. We don't have rinks here.
14) Ever have stitches?
Enough to start a sewing circle.
15) Favourite non alcoholic drink?
What's non-alcoholic drink? … Okay … water or green tea.
16) How long ago did you kiss someone?
Too damned long ago.
17) What is something that you want to do before you die?
Getting through today would be nice.
18) Ever caught something on fire?
Nope, though I've blown a lot of things up in my … ahem … "naughty" bomb-making student days. Making bombs means learning to be careful with matches.
19) Ever seen a ghost?
Nope.
I remember all the trouble I got into with you lot for saying they don't exist. That same post I said there was no God and no afterlife and nobody made a peep, but point out that there are no such things as ghosts and you delusional weirdos hit the roof.
Sheesh!
20) Ever seen the northern lights?
Twice. They're rare this far south, but we do get 'em on occasion.
21) Do you know how to use chopsticks?
I mostly eat with chopsticks.
22) Something good that happened today?
I found a meme. Yup; that's how crap my day is.
23) Are you worried about something you can't control?
Not at all. With all the crap I've lived through, if I couldn't cope with everything life throws at me I'd be dead a long time ago.
24) Do you take daily meds?
Alcohol and caffeine. All a growing boy needs.
25) Ever been in a fight?
Yup. I've broken several bones … fortunately all on other people. And all in self defence, I hasten to add.
26) Wearing nail polish?
Boots No.7: clear … though only if I break a nail at a gig.
27) Favourite colour?
Black. It's a colour if I say it's a colour.
28) Innie or outie?
Innie.
29) Ever used a Ouija board?
Yup. What a heap of crap that was.
30) Sweet or sour?
Can I have "bitter"? Please? Awwww, c'mon!
31) Sun or Moon?
Moonless nights.
32) What shoes did you wear today?
None. I'm working from home and I ain't goin' nowhere.
33) Favourite eye color of the opposite sex?
Deep, dark brown, the colour of rosewood in sunshine. Yeah, I know I'm being kinda specific.
34) Most important quality in a relationship.
Never chewing food with your mouth open. GodDAMN I lost some weight dating her! I just couldn't eat in the same room. Blech!
35) Favourite zombie movie?
The second George Romero one; you know, the one in the shopping mall. That was fucking funny.
36) Time of day that you were born?
Five minutes to midnight. That really fucks up astrologers.
37) Do you know your blood type?
Red … I have blood. That's about all I know.
Mayuko guessed my blood type from my personality (it's some weird Japanese thing they do when they're dating), but I've not yet been and asked the lovely Doctor Amanda what mine is, so we can see if Mayuko was right. I'll keep you posted.
38) What would you spend 500 dollars on right now?
More books. Stupid question.
39) Name something annoying in public transit?
HA!!!!!!
I mean FUCKING HA!!!!!!!
Read all of my archives.
Go on!
Fucking hell, what a dumb question!
40) Did you grow up in a city or in the country?
I'm a country boy. I work in Westminster but I could never live there. I need total silence at home. Other than birds and rustly trees, any noise is going to be made by me or my Bose.
41) Consider going on a reality show for a large amount of money?
I wouldn't even WATCH a fucking reality show for any amount of money. Sheesh!
42. Flown in your dreams?
I usually use planes.
Dreams are cheaper but you wake up in the same place, so what's the point?
43. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs … er … or kisses … or hugs … or …
Ah, fuck it. Licking pretty pink clitoris.
44) Ten dollars to spend in a dollar store. What on?
Total crap!
I'd have to take Mikey. He's the "Poundland King". He once came out of there with what could possibly be the coolest thing ever made by the hand of man: a wind-up crawling Mothra larva! It looked like a turd, about four inches long. You wound it up and it kinda humped its way across the desk! BRILLIANT!!!
Waadya mean, you don't know who Mothra is?
45) Slurpee flavour?
What the fuck's a slurpee?
Can I have clitoris flavour?
It's been such a totally shit-fuck week that I thought I'd never blog again and suddenly Shazza rides to my rescue with this! Bless her cotton socks.
And a big fuck you to all you meme haters.
Eyes down for a bunch of crap. Here goes:
1) Are you taller than your mother?
Yup.
2) What colour is your car?
Black.
Silly question … Clothes, black; car, black; life, black.
3) What is the closest thing to you that is red?
Rather a lot of leather bound books.
Far more than is decent outside of the British Library, but anyone who asks "What on earth do you want more books for?" gets a slap.
This means you.
4) What is your ringtone?
No ringtone … No phone (as you should know by now).
5) Are you sick?
As in "one sick puppy"? … Yup.
As in unwell? Not physically, though I tore a muscle in my shoulder yesterday which is making me cranky enough to be glad we're not allowed handguns over here.
6) What colour is your favourite pillow?
White.
And filled with goose down. As are all my pillows.
I love pillows. Mmmmmmmmm.
7) Favourite video game?
Grand Theft Auto; probably the San Andreas one.
There are moments in my life when I simply have to steal a car, drive like fuck around Los Angeles and shoot people in the head. GTA means I don't end up in jail doing it. Thanks, guys.
8) Nap today?
No. My fucking shoulder hurts too much.
9) Gold or silver?
Silver. Gold's tacky.
10) Is there an animal that creeps you out?
Not as much as people do.
11) The last person you rode an elevator with?
Squeaky Kate. We were feeling too damned lazy to walk up all those flights of stairs. I know, I KNOW!
12) Did you go ice skating as a kid?
Only on the river or ponds. We don't have rinks here.
14) Ever have stitches?
Enough to start a sewing circle.
15) Favourite non alcoholic drink?
What's non-alcoholic drink? … Okay … water or green tea.
16) How long ago did you kiss someone?
Too damned long ago.
17) What is something that you want to do before you die?
Getting through today would be nice.
18) Ever caught something on fire?
Nope, though I've blown a lot of things up in my … ahem … "naughty" bomb-making student days. Making bombs means learning to be careful with matches.
19) Ever seen a ghost?
Nope.
I remember all the trouble I got into with you lot for saying they don't exist. That same post I said there was no God and no afterlife and nobody made a peep, but point out that there are no such things as ghosts and you delusional weirdos hit the roof.
Sheesh!
20) Ever seen the northern lights?
Twice. They're rare this far south, but we do get 'em on occasion.
21) Do you know how to use chopsticks?
I mostly eat with chopsticks.
22) Something good that happened today?
I found a meme. Yup; that's how crap my day is.
23) Are you worried about something you can't control?
Not at all. With all the crap I've lived through, if I couldn't cope with everything life throws at me I'd be dead a long time ago.
24) Do you take daily meds?
Alcohol and caffeine. All a growing boy needs.
25) Ever been in a fight?
Yup. I've broken several bones … fortunately all on other people. And all in self defence, I hasten to add.
26) Wearing nail polish?
Boots No.7: clear … though only if I break a nail at a gig.
27) Favourite colour?
Black. It's a colour if I say it's a colour.
28) Innie or outie?
Innie.
29) Ever used a Ouija board?
Yup. What a heap of crap that was.
30) Sweet or sour?
Can I have "bitter"? Please? Awwww, c'mon!
31) Sun or Moon?
Moonless nights.
32) What shoes did you wear today?
None. I'm working from home and I ain't goin' nowhere.
33) Favourite eye color of the opposite sex?
Deep, dark brown, the colour of rosewood in sunshine. Yeah, I know I'm being kinda specific.
34) Most important quality in a relationship.
Never chewing food with your mouth open. GodDAMN I lost some weight dating her! I just couldn't eat in the same room. Blech!
35) Favourite zombie movie?
The second George Romero one; you know, the one in the shopping mall. That was fucking funny.
36) Time of day that you were born?
Five minutes to midnight. That really fucks up astrologers.
37) Do you know your blood type?
Red … I have blood. That's about all I know.
Mayuko guessed my blood type from my personality (it's some weird Japanese thing they do when they're dating), but I've not yet been and asked the lovely Doctor Amanda what mine is, so we can see if Mayuko was right. I'll keep you posted.
38) What would you spend 500 dollars on right now?
More books. Stupid question.
39) Name something annoying in public transit?
HA!!!!!!
I mean FUCKING HA!!!!!!!
Read all of my archives.
Go on!
Fucking hell, what a dumb question!
40) Did you grow up in a city or in the country?
I'm a country boy. I work in Westminster but I could never live there. I need total silence at home. Other than birds and rustly trees, any noise is going to be made by me or my Bose.
41) Consider going on a reality show for a large amount of money?
I wouldn't even WATCH a fucking reality show for any amount of money. Sheesh!
42. Flown in your dreams?
I usually use planes.
Dreams are cheaper but you wake up in the same place, so what's the point?
43. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs … er … or kisses … or hugs … or …
Ah, fuck it. Licking pretty pink clitoris.
44) Ten dollars to spend in a dollar store. What on?
Total crap!
I'd have to take Mikey. He's the "Poundland King". He once came out of there with what could possibly be the coolest thing ever made by the hand of man: a wind-up crawling Mothra larva! It looked like a turd, about four inches long. You wound it up and it kinda humped its way across the desk! BRILLIANT!!!
Waadya mean, you don't know who Mothra is?
45) Slurpee flavour?
What the fuck's a slurpee?
Can I have clitoris flavour?
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