I came home a while back, to do some Photoshop work (the office only has crappy PCs and I can work a whole lot quicker on my Macs with my Wacom tablet … plus it's warmer here and the coffee is much, much better).
Inevitably, however, I got sidetracked.
Those of you with better memories than me may remember the good old, pre-Facebook days of Blogville, when Maria and I would swap endless stupid memes.
Well, she posted another one.
It's about "you and your spouse."
Not having a spouse, how could I resist?
Feel free to fill in your own version. Maybe you'll learn something, like I did.
Relationship Quiz:
1) How old are you?
54 next Tuesday.
2) How often do you have a conversation with your spouse that lasts more than five minutes?
Pretty rarely. I don't have a spouse.
3) How well does your spouse participate in the running of the household?
My lack of a spouse means I have to do every bloody thing around here.
4) What would your spouse say is your favorite food?
I don't have a spouse.
5) What is the last time you ate your favorite food?
As my current favourite food is tuna sashimi, about ten minutes ago.
6) Tell us something you do that your spouse doesn't know about.
Everything. I don't have a spouse.
7) What medications are you taking?
Pills and potions to get me through this passion play … oh, no; that was Joni Mitchell. I'm just taking pills to stop my heart … er … stopping.
Oh, and coffee and alcohol to stop my pills working.
8) List three things that scare you:
1) People who believe in right-wing ideology.
2) People who believe in a god, and
3) People in general.
9) Do you believe love can last?
Only until my back gives out.
10) Are you still in love with your spouse?
I don't have a spouse.
11) Do you ever think about leaving your spouse?
I've got to think about getting one first.
12) If so, what would stop you?
Having a spouse might stop me … or than again, it might do just the opposite; I have no way of finding out.
13) List five positive things about your spouse.
1) She doesn't leave bottles of stinky stuff all over the bathroom;
2) She doesn't run screaming from the house when I have to take a dump;
3) She doesn't complain if I snore;
4) She lets me read in bed and listen to classical music;
5) She never does the stupid points-scoring thing.
Actually, I'm beginning to like not having a spouse.
14) List three negative things about your spouse.
1) She doesn't lift a finger to help around the house.
2) She doesn't cuddle.
3) She doesn't exist.
15) What is your favorite book?
That's a dumb fucking question to ask someone who lives in a library.
16) How well do you think you know your spouse?
Not well at all.
17) What did you used to do that you don't now?
Pee in my nappy. Though as I get older I expect to start that again some day.
18) Are you religious?
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
No.
19) Do you believe in God?
Absolutely not. What kind of brainless fuckwit do you take me for?
20) List your favorite part of your spouse's body when you were in your twenties.
I actually had a spouse back then. Neck and shoulders were nice.
21) List your favorite part of your spouse's body now.
The part that doesn't whine and complain.
22) Describe your first impression of your spouse.
Vacant looking.
23) Where did you go on your first date?
We've not gone there yet.
24) List some little irritations of marriage.
Hoo, boy! How many hours have you got?
25) How many credit cards do you have?
Not a single one. Nobody needs a credit card, same as nobody needs an iPad or a mobile fucking telephone. People are too thick to realise it.
26) How often do you Google yourself?
Never
27) How does your marriage compare to your parents' marriage?
I'm not married, but my parents were, right up until dad went to carouse in the Halls of Valhalla.
28) What is the last Anniversary gift you received from your spouse?
A big box of nothing.
29) Describe your spouse when you first met him/her?
Invisible … and pretty darned quiet. Which is kinda nice when I want to read.
30) What do you wish you had known/been warned about regarding marriage?
DON'T DO IT!
31) Is your spouse a good listener?
She never answers back or interrupts.
32) Have you ever been ashamed of your spouse?
She's never yet embarrassed me in public. Or indeed in private.
33) Do you and your spouse exercise together?
Nobody wants to see me nekkid and sweaty in my gym; not even an imaginary girl.
34) Is it okay for spouses to keep secrets?
Mine's kept all hers so far.
35) Does your spouse do a good job communicating his/her needs to you?
She's not a great communicator. Perhaps we need an Ouija board.
36) What do you consider flirting?
Flirting.
37) What's the last mean thing you said to your spouse?
I've never said a mean word to my non-existent spouse. I'm a nice guy.
38) What's the last mean thing that your spouse said to you?
If she says mean things I've not heard them.
39) Would your friends say that you are happily married?
No, they'd say that I'm a sad, middle-aged creepy guy who lives all alone in a ramshackle building resembling a Dickensian bookshop that crashed into an art gallery, careened off a music shop and has a bed somewhere in an upper room. I also have bats in my back yard. Little wonder women stay well away.
40) Would you say you're happily married?
No, I'm just sitting here filling in time, waiting for death and doing a meme.
41) Describe your first kiss with your spouse.
So soft I didn't notice it.
42) What do you believe should NOT be done in public?
Putting paint all over yourself and pretending to be a statue.
43) What is the worst emotional state a person can be in?
Shitfaced and maudlin and boring me to death, especially when you're my boss … yes, Emily, I mean you.
44) Do you fake things? If yes, give examples.
This entire blog. Cool huh?
45) How many times a week do you exercise?
Three times; fifty minute workouts. Plus a whole lot of walking. If farting in the bath counts as exercise I did that this morning. Sorry; octopus krasato the night before can do that to a man.
46) Finish this sentence: I feel loved and cared for when....
… next door's three cats are hungry.
47) Whose marriage do you most admire?
Morticia and Gomez Addams.
48) If your spouse gave you one free pass to have sex with another person, who would it be?
Alina Ibragimova.
49) If you gave your spouse one free pass to have sex with another person, whom would your spouse choose?
I just asked her but she didn't say.
50) Do you and your spouse find the same things funny?
I have no way of finding out, but she never laughs at my jokes.
51) What is the most memorable place that you ever had sex?
I don't recall.
52) Do you and your spouse agree how to educate your children about issues such as drug and alcohol use?
She lets me drink too much. She also lets me design schools, so if the next generation is as fucked up as I am you can blame her.
53) Do you get along with your in-laws?
Better than you could possibly imagine.
54) What is the last loving thing you said to your spouse?
If I ever get a spouse I'll think of something and let you know.
55) What's the last loving thing your spouse said to you?
She's pretty quiet with that stuff.
56) What's your favorite movie?
Currently, Doctor Strangelove.
57) How often do you quarrel with your spouse?
Never.
58) What's the sexiest book you've ever read?
The Diary of Samuel Pepys (the funniest sex scenes ever written; even more so as they are true … f'rinstance when his wife finds him with the maid on his lap, one hand down her top and the other "fingering her cunny" and he tries to talk his way out of it).
59) Describe the moment you knew your spouse was "the one."
I'll let you know if it ever happens. At the moment, she's not even "A one", let alone "THE one".
60) Describe a situation where your spouse let you down.
She's never there when I want sex. Just as well, really, as I'd probably get cramp or put my back out or have a heart attack.
61) What do you think of the current trend of couples divorcing based on the couples feeling more like roommates than lovers?
I had no idea that was a trend, and I can't really say I care.
62) When was the last time you flirted with someone other than your spouse?
This morning. The blonde woman in the bedding department at Jarrold's. But then I'm a regular customer (addicted to goosedown pillows and high thread count Egyptian cotton bedding) and we've been doing that for years, so I suppose it's more jokey than flirting.
63) What does it mean to be good?
I don't know. I've always hovered between great and amazing.
64) Write a letter to your first child saying what you can't say in person.
Hey, kid! Where the hell are you?
65) Describe something you wouldn't admit to your best friend.
My best friend sometimes needs to wash more.
66) List some things you wish you could stop doing but can't.
1) living alone;
2) finishing the bottle;
3) starting another;
4) this meme.
67) Describe a cliche of parenthood that took you by surprise.
Nothing surprises me. All children are born ugly and grow up evil. Except me. I was beautiful and now I'm a wonderful person.
68) Was your second pregnancy different than your first?
Turned out I was just fat. Again.
69) How much money would it take to be happy and does money make it easier to stay happily married?
I have no idea; I've never had enough money to even be miserable, let alone happy. If I HAD money, however, I would certainly not get married; I'd spend it on riotous living and loose weemen.
Actually, I'm too boring for that; I'd spend it on books.
70) Is marriage a dictatorship or a democracy?
Marriage is a disaster waiting (usually not long) to happen.
71) If you had to explain marriage to an alien who had just arrived on earth, what would you say?
Screw marriage! Hand over the keys to your spaceship, you little green fucker. NOW!
72) If someone asked you to share a life lesson that you learned in your 40's, what would it be?
I don't remember my forties.
73) Define passion in one sentence.
It's a kind of fruit.
74) What did you imagine falling in love would be like when you were young?
A whole lot better than it actually turned out to be.
75) Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give your child/children about romance?
Steer clear of the opposite sex; steer clear of the same sex; steer clear of animals and most inanimate objects.
76) Give three reasons people should stay married.
1) Spite.
2) Imbecility.
3) As an aid to illegal immigration.
77) Give one reason people should get divorced.
1) Sanity.
78) Have you had romantic feelings in the past year for someone other than your spouse?
Not really. I seem to have lost the knack over the decades.
79) Have you had sexual fantasies in the last year about a person other than your spouse?
Far less often than perhaps I should, but then why bother?
80) Are you an advocate of gay marriage?
Absolutely; everyone should have the same right to fuck up their lives.
81) Has your life turned out the way you thought it would?
No. I thought there'd be flying cars and I'd live on the moon. Also I never thought I'd develop a taste for beetroot.
82) List three things a spouse would do that you would find unforgivable?
1) Leave the towel askew.
2) Put an open book face down on a surface.
3) Watch reality TV.
83) Write a letter to your spouse telling him/her what you can't say in person.
Dear Imaginary Girl,
Much as I'd like the occasional cuddle, I realise having filled in this meme that you're pretty groovy just the way you are.
In the words of Murph (of the Magictones): "Don't go changin'."
16 comments:
Ok, I started at the bottom to see how this turns out. And according to #82.1 and 82.2, we're a match born in hell. But we'll always have 82.3.
This is too damn long. I stopped somewhere in the 40s. But I read the 82s, to see where you and the Hiker meet.
Dive, you are inimitably yourself. I knew that before I started reading this.
Oh, good grief! Too damn long - you actually filled it out - and, and how do I roll my eyes in exasperation?
My personal favourite is no.73.
I'm a sucker for a straight line; feed me one and I am helpless to resist the urge to provide a punchline.
That's why I enjoy filling these stupid things out.
Hiker, I am so glad to find a kindred spirit in at least one of those three. I've tried to live with people who desecrate the first two but it was never going to work.
Petrea, you've been my Blogville neighbour for enough years to have read dozens of these in the past, so you are well within your rights to skip reading this one as you know full well what it contains.
Speedway, back in the golden age of blogging, just about every post was this long. Facebook has ruined the world's attention span.
I miss reading other bloggers lengthy epistles. Heading over to Facebook to see how my old pals are doing depresses the hell out of me.
Whoops just like the old days! but hope your boss does not decide to read this epistle!
How did Dad and me be so happy when you are so sad!
whoops meant to put ha ha on the end of that!
Emily knows how embarrassing she got and has rightfully turned the whole thing into an ongoing joke.
I'm glad you know the difference between me and "Old Dive". I do enjoy filling these things in; it's the frustrated Samuel Beckett in me. Hee hee.
I admit to reading to the whole thing and laughing my ass off at #39. Must be the poet and goofball in me that enjoyed the image and allusion.
While I like filling out a good meme now and then, this one is ridiculously long and doesn't even stick to the topic of "your spouse." Based on the questions, however, I can (continue to) say confidently, I have an awesome marriage!
Ah, 39 … the story of my life. Hee hee.
You and David are both such lucky people, Katherine; long may you defy the descriptions in my post.
I read something last night (I read in bed) that made me think about #25:"... You once said the 'ones and zeros' in the world's computers were demons that could trick the human race into losing all its history."
"...We felt we were saving the world from a devastating epidemic caused by a virus of vacuity, the ultimate death that blank pieces of paper represent. ..."
When I took part in the Super Bowl half-time show last January, the first thing our director told us that electronic devices of any kind were NOT permitted. I was sad to leave my camera in my pocket, but had no separation anxiety like others had over their phones. Sheesh! But, guess what, we all had to actually talk,look, and listen to each other. OMG, actual communication led to being able to work together as a unit! Friendships were formed! Can you believe it?
I can quite believe it, Speedway.
The increasing reliance on ever faster communications technology (beginning with the telegraph) has proved to be a great way of destroying society.
I hate communications technology as much as I hate … er … society.
That's why I love power cuts. I have my stash of candles and oil lamps and I like nothing better than snuggling down in the dark to read Dickens by candle-light.
My sister called to tell me she thought she saw that Thursday, November 15 is national Liars Day in England. She wanted to know whether you will be taking part. :-D
Every day is National Liars' Day here; it's how we run our Parliament.
Too long even for a meme! (But, yes, I did laugh at many of the questions and even more of your answers!) I've decided that the only reason the MITM and I have been married as long as we have is BECAUSE he's gone so often! I'm back blogging, by the way, (another big) BECAUSE I missed the comments and bloggers tend to be so much more civil than people on facebook. xoxoxoxo
Blogville will always be a more gracious and neighbourly place than Facebook. We can pull up a chair and gossip over coffee and spend as long as we want doing it.
I'm a great believer in space within marriage. You and the MITM might take that to extremes but it certainly seems to work.
xoxoxoxox
This is the "ultimate Dive"... I laughed at #73, too, as well as several others.
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