Bugger the royal wedding …
THIS is what it means to be English.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Phil Joins The Professionals
So, after many months of soul-searching and trying out a myriad of instruments - and lots of swearing, Phil and I headed out this morning with our guitar spears and nets to try to catch him a nice new acoustic.
Our hunt was successful and so at long last I am happy to announce my baby brother has joined the select band of smug, grinning guitar players who own a Martin.
I was fortunate enough to buy mine off Christian Martin IV himself, nigh on thirty years ago and I've loved it more and more each and every day since.
Now Phil will experience for himself that warm glow of Martin ownership and the delicious thrill of jealous hatred from mere mortals when they ask him what he plays.
Oh, and in case you thought you'd come to the wrong blog, I got so sick of my photos not fitting within the narrow confines of my old template that - with some help from Petrea - I've faffed around with the layout. Whether I'll keep it this way I don't know, but at least it's wide enough now to fit my fat butt in.
Our hunt was successful and so at long last I am happy to announce my baby brother has joined the select band of smug, grinning guitar players who own a Martin.
I was fortunate enough to buy mine off Christian Martin IV himself, nigh on thirty years ago and I've loved it more and more each and every day since.
Now Phil will experience for himself that warm glow of Martin ownership and the delicious thrill of jealous hatred from mere mortals when they ask him what he plays.
Here he is playing his sweet new baby, a 00016 model. If only you could hear it. Whooee!
And here's my old Martin D18. I love it more than words can express.
See how just holding it makes my chubby cheeks all grinny.
Oh, and in case you thought you'd come to the wrong blog, I got so sick of my photos not fitting within the narrow confines of my old template that - with some help from Petrea - I've faffed around with the layout. Whether I'll keep it this way I don't know, but at least it's wide enough now to fit my fat butt in.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sha-la-la-la-Push-Push …
Hey! It's Easter Monday, and time to check if my Jesus bread has risen …
Y'all know how much I love Natalie Dee.
Well, now I've got another reason to love her. As a postscript to Friday's post and comments-fest comes this morning's Natalie cartoon.
Ah, there's hope for America yet …
And as it's Easter Monday and He is RIZ, here to celebrate with us is the tackiest and most tenuous Easter-themed song from Glam's own Mott The Hoople: "Roll Away The Stone."
Any band with a guitar player called Ariel Bender gets my vote.
Dig the bad miming and the fabulous backing singers unashamedly crooning "Sha-la-la-la-Push-Push."
The seventies … Dontcha just love 'em?
Y'all know how much I love Natalie Dee.
Well, now I've got another reason to love her. As a postscript to Friday's post and comments-fest comes this morning's Natalie cartoon.
Ah, there's hope for America yet …
And as it's Easter Monday and He is RIZ, here to celebrate with us is the tackiest and most tenuous Easter-themed song from Glam's own Mott The Hoople: "Roll Away The Stone."
Any band with a guitar player called Ariel Bender gets my vote.
Dig the bad miming and the fabulous backing singers unashamedly crooning "Sha-la-la-la-Push-Push."
The seventies … Dontcha just love 'em?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Early Wisteria
Sheesh! The stupid hot weather has brought out the lovely wisteria at St.Giles' two weeks earlier than normal.
So here, thanks to the weather gods fucking things up is some premature floral ejaculation to give your eyeballs a treat.
As per usual, click on 'em to see them properly.
Enjoy!
So here, thanks to the weather gods fucking things up is some premature floral ejaculation to give your eyeballs a treat.
As per usual, click on 'em to see them properly.
Enjoy!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Sometimes Friday Is Just Friday
Hey! It's Good Friday!
It's getting on for two thousand years since they nailed a man to a cross and left him to die for quoting Bill and Ted and telling folk to "Be excellent to one another."
So …
What have we learned in those two thousand years?
Wow! We must have learned a lot because here we are living in a caring, sharing society free from greed and poverty, from war and hatred, hypocrisy, bigotry, rape, murder, exploitation and fear. No big corporations steal money from the taxpayer and rape the environment; no political parties endorse race hate, misogyny, homophobia, self-serving greed and lust for power; no Christian has ever shown intolerance toward others, let alone persecute them for any reason whatsoever; no rich man has ever said "Bugger rendering unto Cæsar that which is Cæsar's! I didn't get all this money by paying taxes. Taxes are for the poor to pay."; no people have been kept in fear and ignorance by corrupt governments unduly influenced by corporate greed …
Thank you Jesus for teaching us.
Our wonderful society is built on compassion; on equality of opportunity regardless of circumstances of birth, race, social status or sexual orientation, with free education and free healthcare for all. There is no fear because there is no ignorance. There are no guns or any other weapons because we have learned the futility of violence and live in peace and happiness with all the peoples of the world.
Since the death of Jesus no one person has ever put themselves above another.
Nobody has ever been murdered for their beliefs.
There have been no wars.
There has been no injustice.
There has been only love and compassion.
We have truly learned.
Er …
It's getting on for two thousand years since they nailed a man to a cross and left him to die for quoting Bill and Ted and telling folk to "Be excellent to one another."
So …
What have we learned in those two thousand years?
Wow! We must have learned a lot because here we are living in a caring, sharing society free from greed and poverty, from war and hatred, hypocrisy, bigotry, rape, murder, exploitation and fear. No big corporations steal money from the taxpayer and rape the environment; no political parties endorse race hate, misogyny, homophobia, self-serving greed and lust for power; no Christian has ever shown intolerance toward others, let alone persecute them for any reason whatsoever; no rich man has ever said "Bugger rendering unto Cæsar that which is Cæsar's! I didn't get all this money by paying taxes. Taxes are for the poor to pay."; no people have been kept in fear and ignorance by corrupt governments unduly influenced by corporate greed …
Thank you Jesus for teaching us.
Our wonderful society is built on compassion; on equality of opportunity regardless of circumstances of birth, race, social status or sexual orientation, with free education and free healthcare for all. There is no fear because there is no ignorance. There are no guns or any other weapons because we have learned the futility of violence and live in peace and happiness with all the peoples of the world.
Since the death of Jesus no one person has ever put themselves above another.
Nobody has ever been murdered for their beliefs.
There have been no wars.
There has been no injustice.
There has been only love and compassion.
We have truly learned.
Er …
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
What Happened To Spring? I Want My Money Back.
Damn, damn, damn!
I waited a whole year for Spring and we got two days of it and now it's fucking Summer already. Yesterday was the first day of the year when it was so stupidly hot outside that opening the windows was like opening an oven door. I had to keep the windows and curtains shut to cool the house down. At this rate it will soon be time to switch on the smegging air-con and run and hide from the electricity bill.
Bollocks to that. I want Spring back and I want it NOW!
It seems from today's cartoon that Natalie Dee is suffering from the same problem:
I waited a whole year for Spring and we got two days of it and now it's fucking Summer already. Yesterday was the first day of the year when it was so stupidly hot outside that opening the windows was like opening an oven door. I had to keep the windows and curtains shut to cool the house down. At this rate it will soon be time to switch on the smegging air-con and run and hide from the electricity bill.
Bollocks to that. I want Spring back and I want it NOW!
It seems from today's cartoon that Natalie Dee is suffering from the same problem:
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
500 Words XLVII - This Month's Assignment
Get your pencils and notebooks ready, people. It is time once again to plunge headlong into the fœtid fecundity of your strange and twisted imaginations and come up with either a story or a string of excuses for not writing one (either will do as long as it's precisely 500 words in length and includes reference to this month's photograph).
Here is your assignment photograph (click it to enlarge):
I have to confess I am inordinately proud of this one. I love the contrast between the vertical elements and the huge, roly-poly bronze ass. And that Magritte-style man tickles me in all the right places.
So … contemplate it for a little while and then get writing.
We have a new rule this month, specifically for those of you who have lots of ideas and who really love writing. You can enter as many stories as you want, provided they are no more or no less than 500 words long and are inspired by the photograph. They can even be separate chapters of the same story if you feel 500 words is not long enough to say what you want to say.
I already wrote one story this morning (it took around fifteen minutes so telling me you don't have time to write just isn't going to cut the mustard, buster), and I may well have another go before the month is out.
Here are last month's stories all collected together if you're looking for inspiration:
Lulu's 'Breasticular Enhancification'
Vanda's 'Tuesday'
Lulu's 'This One's For Dive'
Katherine's 'Ivate's Private Lot'
Dive's 'Parking For G'.
Here is your assignment photograph (click it to enlarge):
I have to confess I am inordinately proud of this one. I love the contrast between the vertical elements and the huge, roly-poly bronze ass. And that Magritte-style man tickles me in all the right places.
So … contemplate it for a little while and then get writing.
We have a new rule this month, specifically for those of you who have lots of ideas and who really love writing. You can enter as many stories as you want, provided they are no more or no less than 500 words long and are inspired by the photograph. They can even be separate chapters of the same story if you feel 500 words is not long enough to say what you want to say.
I already wrote one story this morning (it took around fifteen minutes so telling me you don't have time to write just isn't going to cut the mustard, buster), and I may well have another go before the month is out.
Here are last month's stories all collected together if you're looking for inspiration:
Lulu's 'Breasticular Enhancification'
Vanda's 'Tuesday'
Lulu's 'This One's For Dive'
Katherine's 'Ivate's Private Lot'
Dive's 'Parking For G'.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Japan Day
It was Japan Day at Norwich Forum today, raising money for the tsunami appeal.
The green tea flowed and the bento was delicious.
If you wanted a free shiatsu massage and a kimono dress-up lesson you've just missed the opportunity.
Here are a few photos from the day to celebrate the fact that that spring has finally arrived here and to remind anyone who has not yet given money to the appeal that you still have time.
Do click on the pictures. They're as big as the kimonos are beautiful. Enjoy!
かわいい。
Isn't she just the cutest poppet you ever have seen?
Friday, April 08, 2011
Mum's Magnolia
It's not a real Spring until the magnolias go apeshit.
This one is in mum's back garden.
Click and enjoy!
Death? Schmeath …
Thank you all for your support and kind thoughts yesterday. And for your heartening confidence in my abilities as a chess player.
Hopefully my family and friends (or what's left of them after Mort's overenthusiastic spree) will be safe for a while as I absolutely pasted Death's ass to the wall at chess last night.
Talk about over-rated! Sheesh! If he can't beat a club-standard player like me then perhaps it's time he thought about taking up Yahtzee or competitive crochet. If Bill and Ted are to be believed (as they should be) he's pretty crap at Twister, too, so don't fear the reaper.
And what a sore loser! The cheeky bugger had the nerve to ask for best of three … and then best of five, the upshot of which is that I am now the proud owner of a rather fetching cowled black cloak and a nifty (and very sharp) scythe. Those will come in handy at Halloween, or perhaps for some macabre-themed gardening. Or maybe I'll just sell them to a goth on e-bay.
So if you see a very grumpy skeleton wrapped in a towel wandering around your neighbourhood or shopping in your local gardening store now you'll know why.
Hopefully my family and friends (or what's left of them after Mort's overenthusiastic spree) will be safe for a while as I absolutely pasted Death's ass to the wall at chess last night.
Talk about over-rated! Sheesh! If he can't beat a club-standard player like me then perhaps it's time he thought about taking up Yahtzee or competitive crochet. If Bill and Ted are to be believed (as they should be) he's pretty crap at Twister, too, so don't fear the reaper.
And what a sore loser! The cheeky bugger had the nerve to ask for best of three … and then best of five, the upshot of which is that I am now the proud owner of a rather fetching cowled black cloak and a nifty (and very sharp) scythe. Those will come in handy at Halloween, or perhaps for some macabre-themed gardening. Or maybe I'll just sell them to a goth on e-bay.
So if you see a very grumpy skeleton wrapped in a towel wandering around your neighbourhood or shopping in your local gardening store now you'll know why.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
If It's Thursday It Must Be Another Funeral
Sheesh! The Grim Reaper has been drinking waaaay too much coffee these past few weeks. Talk about hyper. Friends and family have been dropping like flies.
Listen, Mort, just step away from the scythe and give it a rest, alright? Get over here and play me at chess instead. I'll thrash your skinny arse all over the board.
Normal blogging will be resumed if I win.
Listen, Mort, just step away from the scythe and give it a rest, alright? Get over here and play me at chess instead. I'll thrash your skinny arse all over the board.
Normal blogging will be resumed if I win.
Monday, April 04, 2011
I Despair Sometimes. I Honestly Do
The Guardian informs me this lunchtime that the Americans are getting the opportunity to watch Forbrydelsen, probably the only piece of television ever made that approaches the enjoyment of a good book.
Tense, grim, dark, beautifully written, tightly plotted, perfectly cast and impeccably played, it is a slow-burning, low-action, emotionally searing twenty-hour stretch of devastating bleakness, confusion and long, long silences, chillingly photographed blackness, rain, more rain and the best bad Christmas sweater in history.
It is a hymn to the fucked-up pointlessness of existence.
It is painfully European.
It stars Sofie Gräbøl as Sarah Lund.
It's all in Danish with subtitles.
I hate television and yet I spent two hours at a time for ten consecutive weeks sitting in the dark on Saturday nights glued to BBC4, marvelling at the quality of the writing and acting and cinematography.
And at the lack of ad breaks.
Then I read a little more of the Guardian article only to find that the Americans have - brace yourself - "remade" it as a cop show set in Seattle.
Different actors, different plot, different killer and different ending.
What the fuck?
I am assured by my American friends that they are quite capable of reading subtitles, so the question remains: why?
Why this obsession with finding something good - in this case sensationally so - and then remaking it as an inferior product?
Because it's set in Denmark?
Surely not. I mean Sarah Palin might be frightened by the concept of Denmark; she may believe København is a continent containing Africa but I'm damned sure most of you can cope without screaming when a movie or a television programme is set outside the borders of the USA.
Why, why, why?
Please excuse me while I bang my head against my desk for a minute …
Ow …
I mean look what they did to Fawlty Towers! The Office! The Italian Job! Get Carter (AUGH)! The Ring, Vanilla Sky, Godzilla, Diabolique (for fuck's sake), Point Of No Return/Nikita, Solaris, Taxi … the list goes on drearily. They even renamed The Madness of George III "The Madness of King George" in case dumbfucks thought it was a a sequel.
Okay, so maybe they got it almost right with The Magnificent Seven, though it's still not a patch on The Seven Samurai, but the exception only proves the rule.
America makes really good original TV shows: witness M.A.S.H. Frazier, Buffy, The Simpsons, The Sopranos, but let them loose on something wonderful from across the pond and they fuck it up. Badly.
Listen up, US TV executives:
It ain't broke. Don't - whatever you do - try in your cack-handed way to fix it. LEAVE IT ALONE! Trust your fellow Americans to be in possession of sufficient brain cells to grasp the concept of the world outside your borders.
Here's a little piece of advice that I do hope any Colonials reading this will take. You will thank me for it, I'm sure.
Do not - under any circumstances - watch the US remake of Forbrydelsen ("The Killing"). It might be a good cop show but it is not Forbrydelsen any more than Forbrydelsen is a cop show based in Seattle. The original boxed set is available on DVD (yes, of course I have it). Buy it. Watch it. Marvel at it. Read the fucking subtitles.
Message ends.
Tense, grim, dark, beautifully written, tightly plotted, perfectly cast and impeccably played, it is a slow-burning, low-action, emotionally searing twenty-hour stretch of devastating bleakness, confusion and long, long silences, chillingly photographed blackness, rain, more rain and the best bad Christmas sweater in history.
It is a hymn to the fucked-up pointlessness of existence.
It is painfully European.
It stars Sofie Gräbøl as Sarah Lund.
It's all in Danish with subtitles.
I hate television and yet I spent two hours at a time for ten consecutive weeks sitting in the dark on Saturday nights glued to BBC4, marvelling at the quality of the writing and acting and cinematography.
And at the lack of ad breaks.
Then I read a little more of the Guardian article only to find that the Americans have - brace yourself - "remade" it as a cop show set in Seattle.
Different actors, different plot, different killer and different ending.
What the fuck?
I am assured by my American friends that they are quite capable of reading subtitles, so the question remains: why?
Why this obsession with finding something good - in this case sensationally so - and then remaking it as an inferior product?
Because it's set in Denmark?
Surely not. I mean Sarah Palin might be frightened by the concept of Denmark; she may believe København is a continent containing Africa but I'm damned sure most of you can cope without screaming when a movie or a television programme is set outside the borders of the USA.
Why, why, why?
Please excuse me while I bang my head against my desk for a minute …
Ow …
I mean look what they did to Fawlty Towers! The Office! The Italian Job! Get Carter (AUGH)! The Ring, Vanilla Sky, Godzilla, Diabolique (for fuck's sake), Point Of No Return/Nikita, Solaris, Taxi … the list goes on drearily. They even renamed The Madness of George III "The Madness of King George" in case dumbfucks thought it was a a sequel.
Okay, so maybe they got it almost right with The Magnificent Seven, though it's still not a patch on The Seven Samurai, but the exception only proves the rule.
America makes really good original TV shows: witness M.A.S.H. Frazier, Buffy, The Simpsons, The Sopranos, but let them loose on something wonderful from across the pond and they fuck it up. Badly.
Listen up, US TV executives:
It ain't broke. Don't - whatever you do - try in your cack-handed way to fix it. LEAVE IT ALONE! Trust your fellow Americans to be in possession of sufficient brain cells to grasp the concept of the world outside your borders.
Here's a little piece of advice that I do hope any Colonials reading this will take. You will thank me for it, I'm sure.
Do not - under any circumstances - watch the US remake of Forbrydelsen ("The Killing"). It might be a good cop show but it is not Forbrydelsen any more than Forbrydelsen is a cop show based in Seattle. The original boxed set is available on DVD (yes, of course I have it). Buy it. Watch it. Marvel at it. Read the fucking subtitles.
Message ends.
Hey Ho
Hey, It's Spring at last!
The flowers are fucking, the little fluffy animals are fucking, seems like the whole damned world is at it.
Except me, so instead of that I'll post a picture of my favourite magnolia tree in Cathedral Close.
Having sex.
Having sex.
Pretty, huh?
Actually, it's just as well … if anything or anybody decided to mate with me I'd likely either have a heart attack or put my back out.
Hey ho.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
500 Words XLVI - Story Time - 3D
Hokay, so I confess that this post may look 2D to you, but you need special glasses to get the full effect. However, reading Lulu's story may well make it seem like 3D.
Yup, Lulu has really come through with her SECOND story from this one assignment. Yay! That's a total of five for the month. So far …
Lulu's 'Breasticular Enhancification'
Dontcha just love that George W-speak title?
Lulu assures me that this is the story she intended to write before she got all hot and steamy and dived nekkid into the pornography pool for a good splash around in her hilariously over the top tale: 'This One's For Dive.'
This new story sees the return of the gloriously dysfunctional Benni and her long-suffering roomie. Smart, sassy and funny, it is also all too believable.
Enjoy!
Just in case anyone's missed the month's stories so far, here are the others:
Vanda's 'Tuesday'
Lulu's 'This One's For Dive'
Katherine's 'Ivate's Private Lot'
Dive's 'Parking For G'.
Yup, Lulu has really come through with her SECOND story from this one assignment. Yay! That's a total of five for the month. So far …
Lulu's 'Breasticular Enhancification'
Dontcha just love that George W-speak title?
Lulu assures me that this is the story she intended to write before she got all hot and steamy and dived nekkid into the pornography pool for a good splash around in her hilariously over the top tale: 'This One's For Dive.'
This new story sees the return of the gloriously dysfunctional Benni and her long-suffering roomie. Smart, sassy and funny, it is also all too believable.
Enjoy!
Just in case anyone's missed the month's stories so far, here are the others:
Vanda's 'Tuesday'
Lulu's 'This One's For Dive'
Katherine's 'Ivate's Private Lot'
Dive's 'Parking For G'.
Friday, April 01, 2011
This Is True Of Just About Everyone I Know, Including Me
The "some.e.cards" people sent this in their regular newsletter of web mayhem and I am afraid I have not the will to resist posting it.
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