WTF MONDAY - Guest Comestible from the U S of A

The Interweb can be a scary place, filled with horrifying images, deliberately harmful content and comedy cat videos.

This disturbing image had me cowering behind the sofa, whimpering with terror at the realisation that the oddball inhabitants of our Lost Colonies have weaponised that most sacred of foods and marketed it as a "GREAT GIFT IDEA!"

I looked this stuff up … it's bacon grease, scraped from the bottom of the pan. Yup, bacon grease. Their website makes no bones about it: "Real Bacon Grease, Ready To Use", "Authentic Bacon Grease", with recipes and testimonials. Nine-pound tubs of it! Nine POUNDS of bacon grease! Like they say, a "GREAT GIFT IDEA!" And a free spoon in the tub!

They also have a "What Shouldn't I Do With BaconUp?" page, including the perhaps wise advice not to add it to coffee. "DO NOT Overheat, DO NOT Leave Unattended, DO NOT add back into the container, NEVER pour in trash, NEVER pour down drain, NEVER add water."

This stuff is a WMD!

So why, Why WHY do I want to crack open a tub and spoon it down my gullet, making gronf, gronf, gronf noises?

WTF Monday - Pooter

 I think I need to get me one of these.

It must surely be faster and more efficient than my current pooter, which is waging a personal war of spite against me.

This particular miniature marvel is being delivered to Norwich City Hall sometime in the 1950s. I'm pretty sure the Planning Department is still using it.

WTF Monday - Hungry?

 

WTF Monday - Should any of you Happen to Drive Through Kent

Any peckish veggies have to detour to the nearby village of Vegan Cheese.

More Castle updates coming soon, I promise.

I Ain't 'Fraid o' No Goats …

Hokay, so I've been too busy to post anything decent of late, so here's a WTF Monday on a Wednesday.

It made me giggle so now you're stuck with it.

WTF Monday - Eggmaster

You gotta read this!

I'm a huge fan of Rhik Samadder's Kitchen Gadget Reviews in the Guardian. This is one of my all time favourites. Please read the original if the link above works (not the one in the article below); it'll leave you tainted for life.

WTF Monday - How Governments Think

Continuing Wednesday's Comments-Fest: Asteroids and Aardvarks

Hokay, so …

Aardvarks - forty-five of 'em.

While I should have been working, I made a 3D aardvark on my pooter (2x1x1m plus tail and snout and weighing 50kg) and made forty-five of 'em snuggle up together. Speedway, you're gonna get me in so much trouble if I have to explain that one away.

It ended up an irregular sphere (with tails and snouts sticking out) around six metres in diameter (just over nineteen-and-a-half feet for those of you in the Colonies).

I checked the diameter against the average volume of forty-five aardvarks using 

Dia = ∛of6x(Volume/∏) … Mmmm … Pie,

and it turns out the asteroid that just missed us on Wednesday was five point five six metres in diameter (eighteen feet, three inches or thereabouts).

Not exactly an extinction level event but it might make a mess if it landed on an aardvark.

WTF Monday on a Wednesday - Aardvarks

 How many football pitches, Olympic-sized swimming pools, double-decker buses, Eiffel Towers and elephants are there in an area the size of Wales? Looks like NASA has come up with a new standard unit of measurement.

How Not to Name A Castle

I was tooling around in my local history this lunchtime and I came across the Beccles castle that once reared its battlements close to where Castle Hill and Castle Fish'n'Chips now stand.

I looked up the Listing for it and discovered its name …

Er … so pismire / pismere usually refers to ants and the stink of their formic acid, but it also has the meaning of a mire of piss, such as a farmyard slurry pit.

Either way, would you name your castle after it?

Me neither … eww.

WTF Monday - Clingy

 Some kinda weird BDSM thang going on up at the Castle this morning.

WTF Monday - You Know You Want One

In our last comments-fest, the subject of this peculiarly specific item came up. Too late to adopt this one but there are many other fascinating items to adopt up at the Castle.

If you want one of your own, ask at your local kitchen shop; I am sure they will oblige.

WTF Monday - The Adventures of Thomas Kinkade in the Seventeenth Century

Meanwhile, back in the 1680s, tacky kitsch crap collecting was all the rage.

Skymall, eat your heart out.

The only difference is that this stuff is actually collectible, as opposed to "collectible". It's probably worth a fortune and its survival is also a sure fire indicator that this person does not live with a cat.

WTF Monday - But Then Again, Maybe You Can't Be Arsed

 

WTF Monday - Christmas in July.

Robert, Gerry and Tony looking atypically glum at Breakfast Club on Saturday July 17th, 2021.

Take a look out the window.

Pret are selling Christmas sandwiches in July!

JULY!

I know I've said this before but I feel I am quite justified in repeating it:

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK?

Message ends …

Meanwhile … Back in the Dungeons of Norwich Castle

"Dammit! Now I've got to drill my way out."

WTF Monday

What's known round these parts as a "Mother-In-Law Door".

"Come on, dearie … out you go …"

Yup, it's another ancient door for you to find and fondle. This one's in Cambridge and forms part of Queen's College.

The Return of WTF Monday

 Noticed on the way to work … In principle, a principled Principal Contractor, perhaps.

Tempting …

… and only slithtly rubbed, too!

(found while sleep-shopping on Abe Books)

I Feel Safer Already

 So anyhoo: getting back to our subject of a couple of posties ago, Santa brought me a lovely little first edition 1950 US Government handbook that could have come straight from the Fallout 4 game on my PS4. Gotta love the embossed mushroom cloud on the cover.

 "Oooh, looky!" Hey, folks, why don't we stand here and stare at the nuclear apocalypse for a while?

 "The sleep of reason breeds monsters" as they say. But if you survive the bomb you can breed some yourself. Just don't get jiggy for a couple of months after the radiation hits.
Don't worry … the highlighter is in Photoshop, NOT on the book! Yikes.

 "Hot damn! Nearly blew my hat off! Better dust myself off and walk away."

 Grease up your hair, guys, and get round that drawing board and design us an ingenious instrument. The text goes on to reveal that these ingenious instruments are not yet developed although military scientists - doubtless in short sleeves and slicked-back hair - are working hard to invent them. Reassuring …

 Whooee! Cheesecake! If those folk in Hiroshima and Nagasaki had only known … Get nekkid and bury your clothes. Actually, why not do it BEFORE a nuclear war? And ladies: remember to adopt the coy pose shown in the illustration and wear your best satin undies at all times.

Best of all, as water supplies are endless and will not be disrupted or contaminated by all-out nuclear devastation, get your nekkid selves in the bathroom and scrub-a-dub dub. Your house, of course, will still be in perfect working order, just like those in Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

So to recap: let's get nekkid as the bombs go off around us is about the best advice the US Government had to give in 1950.
I cannot fault that advice and intend to follow it in the next Cold War (coming soon to a planet near you).