How fucking boring and worthless must my life be if all I have to do is sit here churning out this crap?
TOTALLY fucking boring and worthless, that's how much.
For what they're worth, here are my answers to that stupid meme … Probably best not to read this if you're about to eat.
And a huge thank you and lots of giggles to the fine folk who had a go at this yesterday. You are truly strange people and that's quality I admire.
1. When you were in the womb, what was the weird food your mother craved?
Nothing weird (at least she's not saying), but my mum ate tomatoes by the bucketful, a habit I must have picked up intravenously because I gleefully ingest industrial quantities of that yummy red squishiness to this day.
2. If you had to kill a fellow blogger, who would it be and why?
And no weaselling out of it. You've got to choose one of us and pull that trigger. C'mon! Have a little fun!
I would happily shoot that splendid chap Istvanski and steal his phenomenal guitar collection.
3. Do you own a pair of "cargo pants"? If so, do you know how fucking stupid you look wearing them?
Hell no! I see those hideous clown-pants on other people and shake my head in disbelief.
What in hairy hell do they think they look like?
Dorks; that's what.
They're almost as bad as those stupid fucking three-quarter length baggy trousers designed to make your legs look deformed, or those jeans with the crotch down at knee level that make you look (and walk) like an elephant has shat in there.
For fuck's sake dress elegantly you morons; the world is ugly enough without you adding to it.
4. There has to be a "who would you shag" question in these stupid things so let's make it personal: Which ONE resident of our little town of Blogville would you sleep with and why?
Sheeit. I wanted to say "All of you", but as it's got to be just one I'll narrow it down to those who live in the most beautiful places so when they throw me out on the street at least I've got something good to look at.
That means it's a toss up between Jules in Rabaul and Prudence in the NH Lakes …
Well; I tossed a coin and it's one of you lucky ladies. I'll not say which, but start barricading the door now.
5. Possibly linked to the above, which present from a prospective suitor would most impress you?
(a) jewellery
(b) flowers
(c) shoes
(d) a book token
(e) an erotically-shaped vegetable
(f) other (please specify)
I ask merely for information … ahem.
Me? A book token, every time! In case you're wondering, my favourite ones are the Waterstones' mock credit-cards with Charlie and Lola on them.
6. Which acting parts were you forced to play on stage back at school?
Be honest; we're looking for embarrassment here. Full stories, please.
Yikes! Non-embarrassing ones included:
Cassius in Shakespeare's Julius Cæsar (that was great fun);
Rosencrantz in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead;
Azdak The Judge in Brecht's The Caucasian Chalk Circle;
More embarrassing were:
One of a pair of star-crossed lovers in a Latin play about a luurve triangle. That was actually quite fun; none of the audience understood Latin and I got to push Tubby Cummings into a lake (a hole in the stage with a bathful of water in it) and snog token class fake-redhead Frances Cant (whatever happened to her? … and yes, Jules, there were lizards present) in front of the whole school and our parents …
I was also forced to impersonate a French schoolboy (don't ask) in the same production as the Latin play; only the timing of the evening's events got cocked up through illness and I had to get out of my toga and into a Froggy schoolboy uniform in the time it took for Lizzie Bruce to read a poem on stage (about two minutes).
The problem was that my Latin master had smeared a greasepaint beard on me for the "lover" part and the bloody stuff didn't come off, so I ended up playing a schoolboy in short trousers whilst sporting a rather splendid beard, much to the demented, shrieking apoplexy of my French mistress (actually, I kinda miss that about school; the opportunity to claim I have a French mistress without lying).
Plus various minor and less embarrassing parts way too boring to mention.
7. Hokay kids, let's talk phobias. What totally fucking freaks you out and leaves you whimpering for you mother?
Americans.
Oh, and daytime TV.
8. Which great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to a physical state and insists there is no point of contact between the extended and the unextended?
Yes, of course it's Henri Bergson, but can you spot the quote? … (and no, it is NOT Cardinal Fang of the Spanish Inquisition as his version of that particular question stopped at "physical state"). I expect only Phil to get this one.
Well, Phil and me and Jules, anyway. It's the question John Cleese asked Mrs. Scum on the quiz show "Spot The Brain Cell" from Monty Python's Live At Drury Lane album; a childhood staple in our house.
9. How many fluffy, rubbery, plastic, wind-up, edible or just plain strange creatures inhabit your personal workspace and what are they?
One pink squishy stress pig, one foot-high rubber Gojira (the proper Toho Studios Gojira, not the crap American Godzilla), one cute, fluffy kangaroo in a bush hat (courtesy of Mme Benaut).
10. Memes are hard work to write. I am SO running out of ideas here … How about: Do you personally find your own genitalia attractive?
Ick! My ball sack has more wrinkles than the entire population of Florida but yes, I have a quite beautiful penis (when it's awake). I also have baby man-boobs and a cute ass if that floats anyone's boat.
11. Here's a topical one as the Olympics have just finished: Naked, greased and sent up to your room: Mark Spitz or Michael Phelps?
I'd have to go for Spitz; that moustache would turn any guy's head.
12. Great on-screen love affairs. Fess up; which one gets you hot/moist/whatever?
Raul Julia and Anjelica Huston as the incendiary Gomez and Morticia Addams.
13. Still on movies, who would you have play you in your bipoic?
Is Jabba the Hutt a real person?
Oh …
Okay then, I'll go for Keira Knightley. We have the same sized boobs.
14. What's your regular coffee shop order?
Medium skinny latte first thing in the morning; double espressos after that.
15. Give it up with two of life's great mysteries.
First up: why, oh why did Christina Ricci have to grow up? I was so in love with Wednesday Addams.
Secondly: Jennifer Aniston. What the fuck happened there?
16. What's the most disgusting thing you've ever eaten? We'll exclude "my own semen" from this for reasons well known to trawlers of my archives.
It's probably got to be my home made wasabi chocolate experiment.
17. Clowns; do they make you:
(a) Laugh,
(b) Sudder,
(c) Horny?
Clowns creep me out. I just wanna slap those fuckers.
18. Who was the last person you told to "Fuck off!"?
I think that phrase might have slipped in to the stream of rather inventive invective I screamed at a moron towing a caravan who had stopped in the middle of the dual carriageway to read a map while I was coming home from the city this morning.
19. An alphabet of "Who's the best" …
(a) Bond?
Connery.
(b) Batman?
Adam West. No Messing.
(c) Monster in Gojira movies (other than the rubbery one himself)?
Mothra. Yay!
(d) Member of Village People?
The cop. He was fucking hilarious.
(e) Member of the Banana Splits?
Why, Snorky of course.
(f) Simpsons supporting cast member?
Edna Crabappel (red hot mama)!
(g) Beatle?
Lennon.
(h) Magnificent Seven character?
Yul Brynner.
(i) Frasier or Niles?
Shit! I model my entire life on both of them but at a pinch I'd go for Niles as he's prissier and I confess to doing that thing with the hankie before I sit down in the coffee shop.
(j) Character in Doonesebury (my primary source for US politics since around 1970)?
Zonker Harris.
(k) Osmond?
Mawie. I love a girl who has cute "R"s.
(l) Disney baddie?
Cruella deVille, dahlings.
(m) Bond Girl?
Akiko Wakabayashi in You Only Live Twice. No contest.
(n) Bond villian?
Jaws, though Sean Bean did a pretty decent job in Goldeneye.
(o) Member of the Partridge Family?
Hoorah for sexy Susan Dey.
(p) Radio DJ?
Verity Sharp from Radio 3's Late Junction. I love her total bored disinterest in her listeners, her interviewees and anyone who isn't a rabid fan of Norwegian jazz and Tibetan throat-singing.
She also has sexy warts.
(q) Non-monotheistic deity?
Zeus was a tricksy bastard and quite fun, but I'll go for Shiva, the Destroyer … all those arms must make her a dab hand at the washing up.
(r) Fictional deity?
I always rather liked Terry Pratchet's "Oh God" Of Hangovers.
(s) Monkee?
Mike Nesmith.
(t) Witch: Samantha off "Bewitched", Hermione Granger or Willow Rosenberg?
Well they're all three cute and sexy but you know me; I'm a Willow Rosenberg man and I always will be.
(u) M.A.S.H. character?
Radar.
(v) Flintstone?
Betty Rubble. Hubba-hubba!
(w) Tom or Ray, off Car Talk?
Both of 'em!
(x) Jackson?
Rev. Jesse (I don't remember seeing him in the Jackson Five but my memory's not what it was so I'll just assume).
(y) Jedi?
Answer you I will, for Yoda it is.
(z) Member of your household?
Stouffer seems to have found a gun from somewhere so I think I'll agree that it's him.
20. An alphabet of "Who's the crappest" …
(a) Bond?
Timothy Dalton.
(b) Batman?
Val Kilmer. Twat.
(c) Monster in Gojira movies?
Megalon. I mean what the fuck?
(d) Member of Village People?
The Native American.
(e) Member of the Banana Splits?
Drooper.
(f) Simpsons supporting cast member?
The salty sea captain.
(g) Beatle?
Does not compute.
(h) Magnificent Seven character?
The annoying kid.
(i) Frasier or Niles?
There is not a trace of crap in either of them.
(j) Character in Doonesebury?
Rick was so lame.
(k) Osmond?
Little Jimmy.
(l) Disney baddie?
Captain Hook … What a non-evil let-down.
(m) Bond Girl?
Jill what's-her-face from that stupid one in Vegas.
(n) Bond villian?
Christopher Walken. What was he thinking?
(o) Member of the Partridge Family?
That shitty little ginger kid. If ever a kid was in need of a good slapping ….
(p) Radio DJ?
Tony Blackburn. Back in the good old days of Stiff Records in the seventies (remember my teeshirt: "If it ain't STIFF it ain't worth a fuck"?), Binky Baker had a hit with an anti-Tony Blackburn song, the first verse of which was simply Tony Blackburn's name sung over and over; each verse after that simply moved the syllables forward by one progressively until we got to the rousing fourth verse where we all sung "Burn Tony Black" at the tops of our voices. Ah, memories.
(q) Non-monotheistic deity?
Venus. Goddess of Love? Pah! She's done fuck all for me.
(r) Fictional deity?
Glorificus from Buffy. Boy, did that goddess suck. What a bitch!
(s) Monkee?
Peter Tork. Come on, people! What was he DOING there?
(t) Witch: Samantha off "Bewitched", Hermione Grainger or Willow Rosenberg?
So tough! I've got the hots for all of 'em but I'll call Samantha the lamest as she was too dumb to ditch Darren.
(u) M.A.S.H. character?
Frank Burns … Duh.
(v) Flintstone?
Barney. What the hell did Betty see in that dumb schmuck? She should have been mine … MINE, I tell you!
(w) Tom or Ray, off Car Talk?
Neither of 'em!
(x) Jackson?
The Plastic Pædophile himself (alleged, of course … ahem).
(y) Jedi?
Lame Luke Skywanker. Probably the crappiest lead character in a movie ever!
(z) Member of your household?
Old Dive, of course. So lame-ass that I can't even think of anything to post except this shitty biscuit of a meme.
Showing posts with label The Best Meme Ever. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Best Meme Ever. Show all posts
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
It's Monday; It's A Crap-Fest
As another week of my life starts up like an old truck on a frosty morning and last week slowly submerges in the reeking pismire that is my past with some amusing sucking and bubbling noises I realise that I am suffering from meme withdrawal; nobody's asked me any stupid or inane questions for ages now.
Hey, and indeed ho.
I'd better ask 'em myself.
(I might slip in some oldies if I get stuck for inspiration - inevitable on a Monday - though not the cum-eating one).
Let's get boring, sordid and prurient:
1. We'll start with the weekend just gone. Be honest; how much booze did you drink?
About half a bottle of nice French Chardonnay and several scotches.
2. And what unnecessary lardy treats did you eat that you really shouldn't have?
Oh, crap. A whole tube of prawn cocktail Pringles.
3. Right; enough chit-chat …
Is there a God?
Nope. Don't be so silly.
4. Okey-dokey.
Now bearing in mind that Jesus was highly unlikely to have been a white, surfer-dude-type and that he was almost certainly a Middle-Eastern chap with a beard (and as such would have REAL problems with US immigration authorities were he to come back), what would you imagine God to look like if you got to Heaven?
(You are NOT allowed to have "cheery old white guy with a long grey beard" … that clichéd mutant cross between Colonel Sanders and ZZ Top is just a little silly … Use your imagination, for crying out loud).
I've always liked the image in that Crowded House song: "Hey! Don't look now, but there goes God, with His sexy pants and His sausage dog; and He can't stand Beelzebub, 'cos he looks so good in Black …"
But I'd really like God to look like THIS.
5. Hey, it's Martin Scorsese on the phone! He wants to film a biopic of your life, but a Marty movie's gotta have some gratuitous, non-sporting use of a baseball bat. He offers to have one person from your own personal past life murdered in a spectacular fashion on screen.
Who's it gonna be and why?
Ming The Menstrual, for sixteen years of mental and physical abuse without ever once saying sorry.
6. Woohoo! Your wardrobe is actually a time machine.
That's going to make the day interesting.
You can travel back in time to any period in the past and have sex with any historical character. Who would you chose and why?
Much as I'd love to provoke an apoplectic response from our Christian blogpals by going back and finding Mary before God got to her, I think I'll choose Audrey Hepburn.
Because she's yummy.
7. Hokay, so you're now feeling all glowy and a little mischievous. You decide to hop back in the wardrobe, find another historical character and hit 'em in the face with a custard pie.
Who, and why?
Rather than go for the obvious, I think today I'll choose Robert Oppenheimer, at the test of the first atom bomb, just as he says "I am become Death, destroyer of worlds."
SPLAT!
Twat!
8. That was fun! Now you're going back to last week to put something right that you shouldn't have done/said/eaten/screwed/whatever.
What's that going to be? Fess up.
I should have stayed in bed on Friday and saved myself a five hour, fifty minute hell-commute to work and an almost as long journey home.
Sheesh!
9. Shit! You've altered the past and now your wardrobe is just a smegging wardrobe again.
You look inside it and find it contains all the worst clothes you've ever bought. Tonight is fancy dress, so which of your sartorial smeg-ups will you be stepping out in?
Holy frijole! I'll choose my old afghan coat, complete with paisley shirt, flared jeans and sandals (yes, I'm old).
10. Dammit! As ever, there's fuck all on TV. If you were given the chance (and the budget) to create your ideal half-hour programme, what would it be?
It's called "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and stars every "celebrity" on the planet.
They are brutally beaten and tortured for twenty minutes in front of a live audience, then put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
11. Somewhat inevitably, you find yourself on the plane Jesus is using to visit America on his comeback tour. The air marshal looks at him and sees a beardy Palestinian and opens fire, crashing the plane and kinda spoiling things for the folks who've been waiting two-thousand years for Jesus' return.
You swim from the wreckage and find yourself washed up on the meme-writers' favourite: the desert island.
A suitcase from the cargo hold is laying there in the sand. You find it contains (nestled amongst an elderly German tourist's underwear and lederhosen) one book, one bottle of duty-free booze and one item of food. What would you like 'em to be?
For the book, I'll have "The Wit And Wisdom of George W. Bush." That should keep me happy to be on a desert island and well away from "civilisation".
The booze would be Talisker malt and the food, whale sashimi, to upset the squeamish.
12. Another meme standby: It's your desert island; you make the rules.
What are the first three laws you pass?
1 - Denim skirts … punishable by instant death.
2 - No religion … punishable once again by an instant proof that there's no afterlife.
3 - Anybody saying "Hey! Doesn't this remind you of "Lost?" gets fed to the polar bears.
13. Hokay, so now you've read the book, eaten the food and you have a hangover from the booze. Wandering around your new island home you come across a bearded Tom Hanks and a naked Brooke Shields (you really should watch better movies).
What happens next?
I eat one and screw the other. Who gets what would depend on my mood at the time.
14. For some unfathomable reason, a young Meg Ryan turns up and the two of you wind up being hurled back to civilisation from the crater of a volcano (I'm serious; you really MUST watch better movies).
Which country would you ideally like to land in?
Japan, please.
15. Right. You're in your favourite country and you've sold Meg Ryan for a thousand dollars (you got sick of all the faked orgasms). How are you going to spend it?
Unwisely. Probably a night of debauchery in a sashimi bar with the entire membership of Morning Musume.
16. On the flight home, you find yourself sitting next to a big guy in a hoody, carrying a scythe.
You offer him your last chocolate Hobnob and DEATH (for it is he) offers you in return the chance to choose the manner of your own demise.
Being a tricksy bugger he won't allow you to die peacefully in bed, so what's it gonna be?
I want a cartoon death; a piano, a safe or an anvil dropped off a tall building onto my head.
17. While DEATH has been arrested by customs for carrying a scythe and is currently undergoing a body cavity search you notice his pale horse standing in the parking lot. Since you've buggered up your time machine wardrobe you steal DEATH's horse as it can take you to anywhere on Earth at any point in time that someone dies. You realise you can postpone someone's death.
Whose life (other than family) will you save and why (and no, Lynn; you are not allowed to save Princess Di)?
I'd dearly love to save Hitler from shooting himself and let the Russians get hold of him instead. That would be such fun to watch.
18. Your brain kicks in and informs you that DEATH is probably not the best anthropomorphic personification to steal a horse from, so you dash back to the parking lot only to find the Reaper looking pretty Grim.
Being an honest sort of person you tell him you saw someone stealing the horse, chased them and rescued it.
In return, he grants you the predictable meme-standby: a superpower (complete with natty cape, mask and red undies).
Which power do you choose?
I think today I'll chose the power to smite any assailant with a full-on, permanent and irreversible clown makeover; wig, nose, make-up, revolving bow-tie, huge trousers and stupid long shoes. They lose the power of speech and can only communicate with bulb-horns.
19. You could use your superpower for good, but where's the fun in that?
What's the first thing you do with it?
I'm heading for the Houses of Parliament to make Prime Minister's Question Time look and sound like it really should. Woohoo (honk-honk).
20. All of this messing about with time and causality is having some alarming effects. You are suddenly zapped into the TV show "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and you get to choose the first panel of four "celebrities" to be put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
Which celebs deserve to die first?
All of 'em!
But I'll go with Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Ant and Dec (not being a TV watcher, they're about the only "celebs" I can think of. No doubt you'll come up with a better list).
21. As a result of the twisted mess you've made of the space-time continuum, one extinct species of animal suddenly reappears; tens of thousands of the buggers, all in New York.
Which species would you like to let loose?
Ooh! Ooh! Tyrannosaurus Rex, please! Fuuuun !!!!!
22. You realise this meme's gone on way too long and that you have wasted a whole train journey writing crap on your laptop.
Are you really going to post this utter tosh?
Yup.
And if I'm really desperate I'll start doing the same one every Monday with different answers.
Hey, and indeed ho.
I'd better ask 'em myself.
(I might slip in some oldies if I get stuck for inspiration - inevitable on a Monday - though not the cum-eating one).
Let's get boring, sordid and prurient:
1. We'll start with the weekend just gone. Be honest; how much booze did you drink?
About half a bottle of nice French Chardonnay and several scotches.
2. And what unnecessary lardy treats did you eat that you really shouldn't have?
Oh, crap. A whole tube of prawn cocktail Pringles.
3. Right; enough chit-chat …
Is there a God?
Nope. Don't be so silly.
4. Okey-dokey.
Now bearing in mind that Jesus was highly unlikely to have been a white, surfer-dude-type and that he was almost certainly a Middle-Eastern chap with a beard (and as such would have REAL problems with US immigration authorities were he to come back), what would you imagine God to look like if you got to Heaven?
(You are NOT allowed to have "cheery old white guy with a long grey beard" … that clichéd mutant cross between Colonel Sanders and ZZ Top is just a little silly … Use your imagination, for crying out loud).
I've always liked the image in that Crowded House song: "Hey! Don't look now, but there goes God, with His sexy pants and His sausage dog; and He can't stand Beelzebub, 'cos he looks so good in Black …"
But I'd really like God to look like THIS.
5. Hey, it's Martin Scorsese on the phone! He wants to film a biopic of your life, but a Marty movie's gotta have some gratuitous, non-sporting use of a baseball bat. He offers to have one person from your own personal past life murdered in a spectacular fashion on screen.
Who's it gonna be and why?
Ming The Menstrual, for sixteen years of mental and physical abuse without ever once saying sorry.
6. Woohoo! Your wardrobe is actually a time machine.
That's going to make the day interesting.
You can travel back in time to any period in the past and have sex with any historical character. Who would you chose and why?
Much as I'd love to provoke an apoplectic response from our Christian blogpals by going back and finding Mary before God got to her, I think I'll choose Audrey Hepburn.
Because she's yummy.
7. Hokay, so you're now feeling all glowy and a little mischievous. You decide to hop back in the wardrobe, find another historical character and hit 'em in the face with a custard pie.
Who, and why?
Rather than go for the obvious, I think today I'll choose Robert Oppenheimer, at the test of the first atom bomb, just as he says "I am become Death, destroyer of worlds."
SPLAT!
Twat!
8. That was fun! Now you're going back to last week to put something right that you shouldn't have done/said/eaten/screwed/whatever.
What's that going to be? Fess up.
I should have stayed in bed on Friday and saved myself a five hour, fifty minute hell-commute to work and an almost as long journey home.
Sheesh!
9. Shit! You've altered the past and now your wardrobe is just a smegging wardrobe again.
You look inside it and find it contains all the worst clothes you've ever bought. Tonight is fancy dress, so which of your sartorial smeg-ups will you be stepping out in?
Holy frijole! I'll choose my old afghan coat, complete with paisley shirt, flared jeans and sandals (yes, I'm old).
10. Dammit! As ever, there's fuck all on TV. If you were given the chance (and the budget) to create your ideal half-hour programme, what would it be?
It's called "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and stars every "celebrity" on the planet.
They are brutally beaten and tortured for twenty minutes in front of a live audience, then put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
11. Somewhat inevitably, you find yourself on the plane Jesus is using to visit America on his comeback tour. The air marshal looks at him and sees a beardy Palestinian and opens fire, crashing the plane and kinda spoiling things for the folks who've been waiting two-thousand years for Jesus' return.
You swim from the wreckage and find yourself washed up on the meme-writers' favourite: the desert island.
A suitcase from the cargo hold is laying there in the sand. You find it contains (nestled amongst an elderly German tourist's underwear and lederhosen) one book, one bottle of duty-free booze and one item of food. What would you like 'em to be?
For the book, I'll have "The Wit And Wisdom of George W. Bush." That should keep me happy to be on a desert island and well away from "civilisation".
The booze would be Talisker malt and the food, whale sashimi, to upset the squeamish.
12. Another meme standby: It's your desert island; you make the rules.
What are the first three laws you pass?
1 - Denim skirts … punishable by instant death.
2 - No religion … punishable once again by an instant proof that there's no afterlife.
3 - Anybody saying "Hey! Doesn't this remind you of "Lost?" gets fed to the polar bears.
13. Hokay, so now you've read the book, eaten the food and you have a hangover from the booze. Wandering around your new island home you come across a bearded Tom Hanks and a naked Brooke Shields (you really should watch better movies).
What happens next?
I eat one and screw the other. Who gets what would depend on my mood at the time.
14. For some unfathomable reason, a young Meg Ryan turns up and the two of you wind up being hurled back to civilisation from the crater of a volcano (I'm serious; you really MUST watch better movies).
Which country would you ideally like to land in?
Japan, please.
15. Right. You're in your favourite country and you've sold Meg Ryan for a thousand dollars (you got sick of all the faked orgasms). How are you going to spend it?
Unwisely. Probably a night of debauchery in a sashimi bar with the entire membership of Morning Musume.
16. On the flight home, you find yourself sitting next to a big guy in a hoody, carrying a scythe.
You offer him your last chocolate Hobnob and DEATH (for it is he) offers you in return the chance to choose the manner of your own demise.
Being a tricksy bugger he won't allow you to die peacefully in bed, so what's it gonna be?
I want a cartoon death; a piano, a safe or an anvil dropped off a tall building onto my head.
17. While DEATH has been arrested by customs for carrying a scythe and is currently undergoing a body cavity search you notice his pale horse standing in the parking lot. Since you've buggered up your time machine wardrobe you steal DEATH's horse as it can take you to anywhere on Earth at any point in time that someone dies. You realise you can postpone someone's death.
Whose life (other than family) will you save and why (and no, Lynn; you are not allowed to save Princess Di)?
I'd dearly love to save Hitler from shooting himself and let the Russians get hold of him instead. That would be such fun to watch.
18. Your brain kicks in and informs you that DEATH is probably not the best anthropomorphic personification to steal a horse from, so you dash back to the parking lot only to find the Reaper looking pretty Grim.
Being an honest sort of person you tell him you saw someone stealing the horse, chased them and rescued it.
In return, he grants you the predictable meme-standby: a superpower (complete with natty cape, mask and red undies).
Which power do you choose?
I think today I'll chose the power to smite any assailant with a full-on, permanent and irreversible clown makeover; wig, nose, make-up, revolving bow-tie, huge trousers and stupid long shoes. They lose the power of speech and can only communicate with bulb-horns.
19. You could use your superpower for good, but where's the fun in that?
What's the first thing you do with it?
I'm heading for the Houses of Parliament to make Prime Minister's Question Time look and sound like it really should. Woohoo (honk-honk).
20. All of this messing about with time and causality is having some alarming effects. You are suddenly zapped into the TV show "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and you get to choose the first panel of four "celebrities" to be put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
Which celebs deserve to die first?
All of 'em!
But I'll go with Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Ant and Dec (not being a TV watcher, they're about the only "celebs" I can think of. No doubt you'll come up with a better list).
21. As a result of the twisted mess you've made of the space-time continuum, one extinct species of animal suddenly reappears; tens of thousands of the buggers, all in New York.
Which species would you like to let loose?
Ooh! Ooh! Tyrannosaurus Rex, please! Fuuuun !!!!!
22. You realise this meme's gone on way too long and that you have wasted a whole train journey writing crap on your laptop.
Are you really going to post this utter tosh?
Yup.
And if I'm really desperate I'll start doing the same one every Monday with different answers.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Back On The Couch Again
I thought that with the cum eating episode I had done enough confessionals, but Fresh Hell (bless her cotton socks … or more specifically her rather cute toes) thinks otherwise and has tagged me with a "spill the beans" meme.
If any one of you sicko cod-psychoanalysts is bored or curious enough to want to dissect old Dive and poke the bits with a stick, more hot poop and embarrassing revelations can be found here and here, and even here, with divers miscellanea under the tags "À la recherche du temps perdu" and "Sexual Fantasies".
Fresh Hell's meme is the one asking for eight (count 'em) items of autobiographical gallimaufry.
I'm not even sure if I can find eight leftover bits after all the horrors contained in the above confessionals, but here goes:
Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned:
1. A girl named Sonia once insisted I go see Titanic with her at the multiplex in Norwich Castle Mall (the one with the permanently sticky floor). We sat to one side by ourselves and as the ship went down, so did she.
The only embarrassing part about this is that I actually paid to see Titanic. These days I am old enough to know better.
At least di Caprio has now redeemed himself in Scorsese's The Departed, and Winslet in Extras (hee hee).
2. I find Deanna Durbin totally hot.
They don't make 'em like this any more … sigh
If any one of you sicko cod-psychoanalysts is bored or curious enough to want to dissect old Dive and poke the bits with a stick, more hot poop and embarrassing revelations can be found here and here, and even here, with divers miscellanea under the tags "À la recherche du temps perdu" and "Sexual Fantasies".
Fresh Hell's meme is the one asking for eight (count 'em) items of autobiographical gallimaufry.
I'm not even sure if I can find eight leftover bits after all the horrors contained in the above confessionals, but here goes:
Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned:
1. A girl named Sonia once insisted I go see Titanic with her at the multiplex in Norwich Castle Mall (the one with the permanently sticky floor). We sat to one side by ourselves and as the ship went down, so did she.
The only embarrassing part about this is that I actually paid to see Titanic. These days I am old enough to know better.
At least di Caprio has now redeemed himself in Scorsese's The Departed, and Winslet in Extras (hee hee).
2. I find Deanna Durbin totally hot.
They don't make 'em like this any more … sigh3. Someone once left a fully working game of Pong in the attic of a house I moved into. A massive lump of plastic that plugs into the back of the telly and has two joysticks. Arcade heaven!
Cool!
I still have it.
Touch it and I kill you.
It is my precious.
4. Shit. How do I find eight autobiographical morsel-ettes when I've already fessed up everything I can think of?
Hokay: let's get boring. My first car was a pale blue Ford Anglia just like the one in the Harry Potter movies (except it didn't fly quite so well).
I broke the back axle racing our local village policeman's son over that fabulously twisty five mile stretch of road between Hales and Haddiscoe in Norfolk (bikers will know the bit I mean … that bit where Steve went into a tree and had to have his spleen removed).
I still beat him, even with the car lurching sideways over every bump.
Ha! Up yours, Matthew!
5. Before I removed the polystyrene packaging around my unused brain, read the instruction manual and got the thing started I used to believe in God and an afterlife and an everlasting soul.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha … etc.
6. When I was seven I was Miss Gibson's "teacher's pet" at school.
The sadistic old witch put me forward a year which I hated as my friends thought I was a girly swot and the older kids I was stuck with spent all year trying to beat me back down again.
The worst thing about Miss Gibson was that she loved to have me read aloud in class. Which was fine except that she was obsessed with the caning scenes in Billy Bunter books and had me read those out over and over, gleefully joining in with every "Yarroo!" as the cane striped the buttocks of the fat owl of the dorm.
There was something seriously wrong with that woman.
The damage it did to me can be gauged by reading through my archives. Scary.
At that time, little brother Full was lodging with us and eating us out of every cake and biscuit we had.
I got home from work to find Ming The Menstrual shrieking and flapping in the front garden, having been scared out of the house by this monster spider on the landing.
"Yeah, yeah." I thought as I entered the house (I can deal with spiders).
Then "Fuck!" as I saw IT.
IT was up at the top of the landing where I couldn't reach so I got a broom and tied a stick to the end so I could get to the fucker and knocked it down into a cardboard box I propped on the stairs.
I closed the lid of the box and put it on the kitchen worktop with a piece of paper on top saying "CAKE". and waited for Full to come home.
Oh joy unbounded!
Actually, he coped pretty well and didn't kill me.
Kate the cat then leapt on the spider and crunched it up which was pretty gross. Hey ho.
8. I laughed when Diana died.
Mum called me (I didn't have a TV back then). She was in floods of tears and I was desperate to know what was wrong.
When she told me Diana was dead I laughed (sorry, but that was my genuine reaction).
I don't think she's ever forgiven me.
As I tried to explain to her, I didn't particularly want to see the psychotic bint dead, I just didn't want to see her full stop. Back then she was such a manic self-publicist, hi-jacking good causes like the landmine victims' charity and generally being a sickening freak and the papers were full of her.
Unfortunately they were even more full of her once she was dead.
I just can't win.
So …
I'm not going to tag anyone with this as most of you have done it anyway. But what I will say is "Hey! I've fessed up to all sorts of embarrassing crap. Now it's your turn. C'mon! Give it up!"
Cool!
I still have it.
Touch it and I kill you.
It is my precious.
4. Shit. How do I find eight autobiographical morsel-ettes when I've already fessed up everything I can think of?
Hokay: let's get boring. My first car was a pale blue Ford Anglia just like the one in the Harry Potter movies (except it didn't fly quite so well).
I broke the back axle racing our local village policeman's son over that fabulously twisty five mile stretch of road between Hales and Haddiscoe in Norfolk (bikers will know the bit I mean … that bit where Steve went into a tree and had to have his spleen removed).
I still beat him, even with the car lurching sideways over every bump.
Ha! Up yours, Matthew!
5. Before I removed the polystyrene packaging around my unused brain, read the instruction manual and got the thing started I used to believe in God and an afterlife and an everlasting soul.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha … etc.
6. When I was seven I was Miss Gibson's "teacher's pet" at school.
The sadistic old witch put me forward a year which I hated as my friends thought I was a girly swot and the older kids I was stuck with spent all year trying to beat me back down again.
The worst thing about Miss Gibson was that she loved to have me read aloud in class. Which was fine except that she was obsessed with the caning scenes in Billy Bunter books and had me read those out over and over, gleefully joining in with every "Yarroo!" as the cane striped the buttocks of the fat owl of the dorm.
There was something seriously wrong with that woman.
The damage it did to me can be gauged by reading through my archives. Scary.
7. The biggest spider I ever found in my house was a giant house spider about the size of a side plate. The giant house spider is not cuddly like a tarantula. It is FAST and it likes to run straight at you.
At that time, little brother Full was lodging with us and eating us out of every cake and biscuit we had.
I got home from work to find Ming The Menstrual shrieking and flapping in the front garden, having been scared out of the house by this monster spider on the landing.
"Yeah, yeah." I thought as I entered the house (I can deal with spiders).
Then "Fuck!" as I saw IT.
IT was up at the top of the landing where I couldn't reach so I got a broom and tied a stick to the end so I could get to the fucker and knocked it down into a cardboard box I propped on the stairs.
I closed the lid of the box and put it on the kitchen worktop with a piece of paper on top saying "CAKE". and waited for Full to come home.
Oh joy unbounded!
Actually, he coped pretty well and didn't kill me.
Kate the cat then leapt on the spider and crunched it up which was pretty gross. Hey ho.
8. I laughed when Diana died.
Mum called me (I didn't have a TV back then). She was in floods of tears and I was desperate to know what was wrong.
When she told me Diana was dead I laughed (sorry, but that was my genuine reaction).
I don't think she's ever forgiven me.
As I tried to explain to her, I didn't particularly want to see the psychotic bint dead, I just didn't want to see her full stop. Back then she was such a manic self-publicist, hi-jacking good causes like the landmine victims' charity and generally being a sickening freak and the papers were full of her.
Unfortunately they were even more full of her once she was dead.
I just can't win.
So …
I'm not going to tag anyone with this as most of you have done it anyway. But what I will say is "Hey! I've fessed up to all sorts of embarrassing crap. Now it's your turn. C'mon! Give it up!"
Thursday, June 28, 2007
It's Thursday So It Must Be Crap
Talking of crap, here's another meme:
I found this one on Terroni's blog a few days back.
Or rather I found the bones of it.
It was pretty good but I felt it needed a touch of Dive to make up for its lack of cynicism and swearing.
It started with "What were you doing ten years ago", which - as the original meme was written by an extremely smart ten year old kid - is a pretty good question.
I felt his answer lacked not only anatomical correctness but graphic and disgusting detail … and possibly video … so I hi-jacked his meme.
Hey ho, here we go:
What were you doing thirty years ago?
Yikes! 1977!
Most of that year I spent naked with Judith Flaxman, going at it like there was no tomorrow. And playing in bands and going to punk gigs and managing a punk band (Hi, Mini. Where are you now, I wonder) and co-running Radio Maidstone and passing A-levels and going to college and smoking dope and hanging out.
Fuck me, that was a good year!
What were you doing one year ago?
Waiting for death.
Five snacks you enjoy
Onigiri.
Croissants.
Wasabi peas.
Edamame.
Clitoris.
Five songs you know all the lyrics to
Prayer To God by Shellac (easy as most of the words are "fucking").
Little Green by Joni Mitchell, for reasons of my own.
Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes because it should be our national anthem.
Nightswimming by REM for the photograph on the dashboard.
Chicken Pussy by Bongwater for obvious reasons.
Without moving your sorry ass from your chair, look around and select one item within your reach and eat it. Well? What was it?
Dammit! There's no food in my studio you bastard.
At work I always have one of those fruity oaty bars that look like poo for just such an eventuality, but I just tore up and ate today's page from my Dilbert desk calendar. Ick.
Actually it tasted no worse than the fruity oaty poo bar.
Five bad habits (and no, masturbation is a good, healthy habit)
I'm a world class nose-picker.
I occasionally drink from the bottle; milk, beer, whatever … but hey, I live alone and hate washing up.
Caffeine addiction.
Sitting up all night watching old movies and crying.
Long distance commuting. That's the one that's gonna kill me.
Five living people who shouldn't be (at least one of whom you should know personally … c'mon; get bitchy)
Let's start with George Bush Senior. Take out that fucker and we automatically lose Dubya, too. Bonus! After all, without daddy, the twisted, throwback chimp-sperm that brought forth Junior would never have existed. That particular combination of proteins and enzymes could and should have gone on to become part of something far more useful, like a piece of cheese or an ant, or something oozing around in the digestive tract of a yak.
Bono … obviously.
Karl Rove … even more obviously.
Margaret Thatcher - spiritual Mother to Blair (like the Bushes, we take out two with one shot).
Me.
Five things you like to do
Walk along the Embankment every weekday morning, whatever the weather. Watching the Thames roll by as the city staggers out of bed and gets its ass in gear.
Sit on the bottom step of the stairs with my old Gibson Les Paul and see what it has to say.
Have sex with girls.
Sleep.
Blog.
Five things you would never wear again
Flares.
Hawai'ian shirts.
Tank tops.
Cardigans for men (what the fuck?).
Brüt (any Brits alive in the seventies will be gagging at the memory).
Five favourite toys
Guitars.
Macs.
iPod.
PS2.
Car.
So I'm a bloke! Go figure.
Five things you would never put in your mouth again
Lychees that have been left in an uncovered bowl in a "friend"s fridge overnight next to some iffy prawns and strong, French cheeses.
Ming The Menstrual's tongue (or any other part of her).
Pork cheese (don't ask).
Home-made wasabi chocolate.
My own cum (hey, it was in somebody else's mouth at the time). Ick!
Never accept a blowie off a mischievous woman!
Hey! You're a millionaire! Five things you'd do now you have all that money
Woohoo!
Move to Tokyo and sit outside Harajuku Station leering at girls.
Dress how the fuck I want (currently - looking down at myself - like somebody blew up a tramp and wore what was left).
Buy waaay too many books … er … hang on, I do that already.
Point and laugh at those less fortunate.
Be a complete and total bastard.
Five things you've done while drunk
Puked.
Had sex.
Played gigs.
Eaten sixteen raw scotch bonnet chilis.
Broken into Dunston Hall (now a hotel, but then a derelict Elizabethan mansion, all boarded up) one Halloween night with some friends and sat around in the dark telling ghost stories to scare the willies out of one another. We found an old harmonium and were playing horror movie style chords on it when there was a fucking great bang that came echoing down the empty corridors. Holy shit, did we run! It was only the board we had prised off the window falling down in the wind but Paul was sick and Sue peed herself. hee hee hee. Ah, drunken youth.
Name something (or someone) other than your poo that has been inside your bum
Gack!
An enema tube and a load of soapy water before my appendix operation. Luckily I was out cold but my mad aunt, Nurse Wratched told me all about it. Ewwww.
Five albums you own that embarrass you (be truthful)
Olias Of Sunhillow by Jon Anderson (appalling sub-hobbitry from Yes frontman … Hey, I was a hippy; these things happen).
Boston by Boston. Holy crap, it's time I joined Robyn's church and started smashing old vinyl.
Rising Force by Yngwie Malmsteen. What the fuck was I thinking?
Not Fragile by Bachman Turner Overdrive. Shit! I didn't even know I owned that. Take my advice; never look through your old vinyl shelves. Yikes!
The Eagles Greatest Hits. Kill me now.
Five criminal acts you've committed and have never been caught for
We blew up a telephone box back in my bomb-making youth. Woohoo! That was a doozy!
Sneaking into car parks at night and swapping round all the number plates.
Following a police patrol car around Norwich for a good twenty minutes while smoking a fucking HUGE spliff.
Driving under the influence of: drink/drugs/fellatio.
Stealing a load of traffic cones and shutting off a busy street for a whole Saturday.
Hokay. That's enough crap for today.
I won't tag anyone as we all hate memes, but if anybody feels in the mood, go for it.
I found this one on Terroni's blog a few days back.
Or rather I found the bones of it.
It was pretty good but I felt it needed a touch of Dive to make up for its lack of cynicism and swearing.
It started with "What were you doing ten years ago", which - as the original meme was written by an extremely smart ten year old kid - is a pretty good question.
I felt his answer lacked not only anatomical correctness but graphic and disgusting detail … and possibly video … so I hi-jacked his meme.
Hey ho, here we go:
What were you doing thirty years ago?
Yikes! 1977!
Most of that year I spent naked with Judith Flaxman, going at it like there was no tomorrow. And playing in bands and going to punk gigs and managing a punk band (Hi, Mini. Where are you now, I wonder) and co-running Radio Maidstone and passing A-levels and going to college and smoking dope and hanging out.
Fuck me, that was a good year!
What were you doing one year ago?
Waiting for death.
Five snacks you enjoy
Onigiri.
Croissants.
Wasabi peas.
Edamame.
Clitoris.
Five songs you know all the lyrics to
Prayer To God by Shellac (easy as most of the words are "fucking").
Little Green by Joni Mitchell, for reasons of my own.
Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes because it should be our national anthem.
Nightswimming by REM for the photograph on the dashboard.
Chicken Pussy by Bongwater for obvious reasons.
Without moving your sorry ass from your chair, look around and select one item within your reach and eat it. Well? What was it?
Dammit! There's no food in my studio you bastard.
At work I always have one of those fruity oaty bars that look like poo for just such an eventuality, but I just tore up and ate today's page from my Dilbert desk calendar. Ick.
Actually it tasted no worse than the fruity oaty poo bar.
Five bad habits (and no, masturbation is a good, healthy habit)
I'm a world class nose-picker.
I occasionally drink from the bottle; milk, beer, whatever … but hey, I live alone and hate washing up.
Caffeine addiction.
Sitting up all night watching old movies and crying.
Long distance commuting. That's the one that's gonna kill me.
Five living people who shouldn't be (at least one of whom you should know personally … c'mon; get bitchy)
Let's start with George Bush Senior. Take out that fucker and we automatically lose Dubya, too. Bonus! After all, without daddy, the twisted, throwback chimp-sperm that brought forth Junior would never have existed. That particular combination of proteins and enzymes could and should have gone on to become part of something far more useful, like a piece of cheese or an ant, or something oozing around in the digestive tract of a yak.
Bono … obviously.
Karl Rove … even more obviously.
Margaret Thatcher - spiritual Mother to Blair (like the Bushes, we take out two with one shot).
Me.
Five things you like to do
Walk along the Embankment every weekday morning, whatever the weather. Watching the Thames roll by as the city staggers out of bed and gets its ass in gear.
Sit on the bottom step of the stairs with my old Gibson Les Paul and see what it has to say.
Have sex with girls.
Sleep.
Blog.
Five things you would never wear again
Flares.
Hawai'ian shirts.
Tank tops.
Cardigans for men (what the fuck?).
Brüt (any Brits alive in the seventies will be gagging at the memory).
Five favourite toys
Guitars.
Macs.
iPod.
PS2.
Car.
So I'm a bloke! Go figure.
Five things you would never put in your mouth again
Lychees that have been left in an uncovered bowl in a "friend"s fridge overnight next to some iffy prawns and strong, French cheeses.
Ming The Menstrual's tongue (or any other part of her).
Pork cheese (don't ask).
Home-made wasabi chocolate.
My own cum (hey, it was in somebody else's mouth at the time). Ick!
Never accept a blowie off a mischievous woman!
Hey! You're a millionaire! Five things you'd do now you have all that money
Woohoo!
Move to Tokyo and sit outside Harajuku Station leering at girls.
Dress how the fuck I want (currently - looking down at myself - like somebody blew up a tramp and wore what was left).
Buy waaay too many books … er … hang on, I do that already.
Point and laugh at those less fortunate.
Be a complete and total bastard.
Five things you've done while drunk
Puked.
Had sex.
Played gigs.
Eaten sixteen raw scotch bonnet chilis.
Broken into Dunston Hall (now a hotel, but then a derelict Elizabethan mansion, all boarded up) one Halloween night with some friends and sat around in the dark telling ghost stories to scare the willies out of one another. We found an old harmonium and were playing horror movie style chords on it when there was a fucking great bang that came echoing down the empty corridors. Holy shit, did we run! It was only the board we had prised off the window falling down in the wind but Paul was sick and Sue peed herself. hee hee hee. Ah, drunken youth.
Name something (or someone) other than your poo that has been inside your bum
Gack!
An enema tube and a load of soapy water before my appendix operation. Luckily I was out cold but my mad aunt, Nurse Wratched told me all about it. Ewwww.
Five albums you own that embarrass you (be truthful)
Olias Of Sunhillow by Jon Anderson (appalling sub-hobbitry from Yes frontman … Hey, I was a hippy; these things happen).
Boston by Boston. Holy crap, it's time I joined Robyn's church and started smashing old vinyl.
Rising Force by Yngwie Malmsteen. What the fuck was I thinking?
Not Fragile by Bachman Turner Overdrive. Shit! I didn't even know I owned that. Take my advice; never look through your old vinyl shelves. Yikes!
The Eagles Greatest Hits. Kill me now.
Five criminal acts you've committed and have never been caught for
We blew up a telephone box back in my bomb-making youth. Woohoo! That was a doozy!
Sneaking into car parks at night and swapping round all the number plates.
Following a police patrol car around Norwich for a good twenty minutes while smoking a fucking HUGE spliff.
Driving under the influence of: drink/drugs/fellatio.
Stealing a load of traffic cones and shutting off a busy street for a whole Saturday.
Hokay. That's enough crap for today.
I won't tag anyone as we all hate memes, but if anybody feels in the mood, go for it.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
"The Only Good Meme" Redux
Yesterday's meme reminded me of the only truly entertaining (and occasionally slightly sinister) meme I have ever filled in, which I purloined from my lovely VPA, 外人ガールさん。
As this was so long ago that only our original reprobate blog gang got to play with it I will resurrect it here for the newbies.
These are actually my original answers to the meme, but reading through them I find I cannot possibly improve on them, so they stay.
And in the same way that bands release "Greatest Hits" packages that include a few "previously unreleased" tracks to force you to buy the stupid things, I have inserted a few "previously unasked" questions to force those who have done this one already to revisit it.
I know; memes are boring and I'm a bastard, but what else are you gonna do on a Sunday? Go to church? Visit family? Surf for porn?
Fill in the meme. You want to because you are weak …
1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Me.
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Bono. Can I do it now, please?
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Tony Blair.
4. What is your favourite cheese?
Stilton or smegma (easy to confuse the two).
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Stilton and mango chutney, toasted on half a baguette. Mmmm …
6. You, Elvis and Princess Diana (yeah, I know they both smell a bit now but you'd still give 'em one; right?) are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wastes with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?
Diana, because she was a pathetic, loathsome, self-serving imbecile and (even if by marriage only) a member of our hated and parasitical so-called "Royal" family.
Plus, she can't sing like the King.
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Is Marge Simpson a movie celebrity? If not, then Akiko Wakabayashi from "You Only Live Twice".
8. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Any member of Morning Musume (actually, ALL of 'em).
9. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
Unwisely.
10. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Harajuku, Tokyo. For the weemen …
11. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Eat whale sashimi (again).
12. Your dream date. Who, where and why?
Wednesday Addams. In a graveyard. Because that's the way I am.
13. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?
It's gotta be a top Islay malt, probably cask strength Talisker as I've only got a little left in the cupboard.
14. Okay; girls and gay guys stand over here; guys and lesbians over there (I know and love my readership) …
Girls and gay guys first: You're in bed with Marilyn Monroe, Doris Day and Salma Hayek. Who's gonna be the lucky girl? (you're only allowed one).
And similarly, guys and lesbians: You're in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman and Johnny Depp. Who's gonna be the lucky guy? (again, you're only allowed one).
Give your reasons.
Much as I fancy Johnny Depp, it's gotta be Newman … For the eyes and the free salad dressing.
15. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-travelling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you travelling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I'd go back to Biblical Jerusalem and bribe Pilate to let Jesus off.
Then I'd tell Jesus about all the shit that's been done in His and His Dad's names so he'd tell the disciples he was only joking about the son of God bit and then slope off with Mary Magdalen and run a nightclub.
16. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
Women must not wear denim skirts or jackets (ick).
17. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?
It's called "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and stars every "celebrity" on the planet.
Every episode, a bunch of 'em are brutally beaten and tortured for twenty minutes in front of a live audience, then put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
You just GOT to love a show like that!
18. What is your favorite curse word?
Arse!
19. You have a choice of two doors, one of which you MUST go through; the first leads to a roomful of spiders, the second to a roomful of clowns. Which is it to be?
Spiders. they're cute.
20. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object (that's "inanimate" … leave your kids to burn; you know you want to). So what’s the item?
My old Les Paul. No contest.
21. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Start wanking. An endless supply of tissue paper must be standing there for a reason.
22. You have George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden locked in a small room together. It's airtight so both the fuckers are gonna suffocate anyway, but what amusing weapon do you give them to make it more entertaining?
Handbags and a jello-wrestling pit.
23. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Kill everybody else on the planet.
24. Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?
None. I blog naked. Be thankful my webcam is off.
25. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?
I already have a somewhat awesome Superpower (it's about halfway down this post).
26. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Judith Flaxman. 1977. Just about any half hour. Mmmmmm … Nuff said.
27. Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment number eleven is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?
"Only kidding! Go on; enjoy yourselves!"
28.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Most of the first forty-eight years.
29. Rufus reappears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who's gonna get it?
A pretty, dark-haired girl standing in the Loaves and Fishes pub in Beccles in the late seventies, who turned me down with the excellent line "Piss off, creep."
SPLAT!
30. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-travelling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now?
Japan.
31. What part of your body would you change (no, you are NOT perfect; you gotta answer this one) and why?
Everything from the waist up. Below it I'm Johhny Depp; above it I'm the elephant man.
32. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
Rick's Bar in Casablanca or Moes' Bar from the Simpsons … It's gotta be Moe's; I hate nazis.
33. What's the last thing you ate?
An oat bar.
34. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?
Jesus. Then we'll do the helium balloon voice thing and scare the shit out of the disciples.
35. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead celebrity of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
No celebrity is worth bringing back to life.
36. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, once again Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
Nobody. Life sucks. They're better off dead.
37. What’s your theme song?
Prayer To God by Shellac.
38 When did you last have sex?
Sometime in the Cretaceous era.
39. Buffy, Willow or Xander?
Willow; every time.
40. Who’s up next?
All of you who've not yet done this meme and any of the old gang who fancy giving it another go.
As this was so long ago that only our original reprobate blog gang got to play with it I will resurrect it here for the newbies.
These are actually my original answers to the meme, but reading through them I find I cannot possibly improve on them, so they stay.
And in the same way that bands release "Greatest Hits" packages that include a few "previously unreleased" tracks to force you to buy the stupid things, I have inserted a few "previously unasked" questions to force those who have done this one already to revisit it.
I know; memes are boring and I'm a bastard, but what else are you gonna do on a Sunday? Go to church? Visit family? Surf for porn?
Fill in the meme. You want to because you are weak …
1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Me.
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Bono. Can I do it now, please?
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Tony Blair.
4. What is your favourite cheese?
Stilton or smegma (easy to confuse the two).
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Stilton and mango chutney, toasted on half a baguette. Mmmm …
6. You, Elvis and Princess Diana (yeah, I know they both smell a bit now but you'd still give 'em one; right?) are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wastes with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?
Diana, because she was a pathetic, loathsome, self-serving imbecile and (even if by marriage only) a member of our hated and parasitical so-called "Royal" family.
Plus, she can't sing like the King.
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Is Marge Simpson a movie celebrity? If not, then Akiko Wakabayashi from "You Only Live Twice".
8. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Any member of Morning Musume (actually, ALL of 'em).
9. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
Unwisely.
10. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Harajuku, Tokyo. For the weemen …
11. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Eat whale sashimi (again).
12. Your dream date. Who, where and why?
Wednesday Addams. In a graveyard. Because that's the way I am.
13. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?
It's gotta be a top Islay malt, probably cask strength Talisker as I've only got a little left in the cupboard.
14. Okay; girls and gay guys stand over here; guys and lesbians over there (I know and love my readership) …
Girls and gay guys first: You're in bed with Marilyn Monroe, Doris Day and Salma Hayek. Who's gonna be the lucky girl? (you're only allowed one).
And similarly, guys and lesbians: You're in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman and Johnny Depp. Who's gonna be the lucky guy? (again, you're only allowed one).
Give your reasons.
Much as I fancy Johnny Depp, it's gotta be Newman … For the eyes and the free salad dressing.
15. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-travelling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you travelling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I'd go back to Biblical Jerusalem and bribe Pilate to let Jesus off.
Then I'd tell Jesus about all the shit that's been done in His and His Dad's names so he'd tell the disciples he was only joking about the son of God bit and then slope off with Mary Magdalen and run a nightclub.
16. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
Women must not wear denim skirts or jackets (ick).
17. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?
It's called "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and stars every "celebrity" on the planet.
Every episode, a bunch of 'em are brutally beaten and tortured for twenty minutes in front of a live audience, then put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
You just GOT to love a show like that!
18. What is your favorite curse word?
Arse!
19. You have a choice of two doors, one of which you MUST go through; the first leads to a roomful of spiders, the second to a roomful of clowns. Which is it to be?
Spiders. they're cute.
20. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object (that's "inanimate" … leave your kids to burn; you know you want to). So what’s the item?
My old Les Paul. No contest.
21. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Start wanking. An endless supply of tissue paper must be standing there for a reason.
22. You have George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden locked in a small room together. It's airtight so both the fuckers are gonna suffocate anyway, but what amusing weapon do you give them to make it more entertaining?
Handbags and a jello-wrestling pit.
23. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Kill everybody else on the planet.
24. Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?
None. I blog naked. Be thankful my webcam is off.
25. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?
I already have a somewhat awesome Superpower (it's about halfway down this post).
26. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Judith Flaxman. 1977. Just about any half hour. Mmmmmm … Nuff said.
27. Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment number eleven is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?
"Only kidding! Go on; enjoy yourselves!"
28.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Most of the first forty-eight years.
29. Rufus reappears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who's gonna get it?
A pretty, dark-haired girl standing in the Loaves and Fishes pub in Beccles in the late seventies, who turned me down with the excellent line "Piss off, creep."
SPLAT!
30. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-travelling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now?
Japan.
31. What part of your body would you change (no, you are NOT perfect; you gotta answer this one) and why?
Everything from the waist up. Below it I'm Johhny Depp; above it I'm the elephant man.
32. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
Rick's Bar in Casablanca or Moes' Bar from the Simpsons … It's gotta be Moe's; I hate nazis.
33. What's the last thing you ate?
An oat bar.
34. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?
Jesus. Then we'll do the helium balloon voice thing and scare the shit out of the disciples.
35. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead celebrity of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
No celebrity is worth bringing back to life.
36. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, once again Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
Nobody. Life sucks. They're better off dead.
37. What’s your theme song?
Prayer To God by Shellac.
38 When did you last have sex?
Sometime in the Cretaceous era.
39. Buffy, Willow or Xander?
Willow; every time.
40. Who’s up next?
All of you who've not yet done this meme and any of the old gang who fancy giving it another go.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Groover's Meme Redux (The Director's Cut)
Fucking Hell, Groover!
Take the original "One Word Only" meme.
Using the same answers you gave, expand each one to five sentences.
Groover actually has a life, so she only filled in a random seven of the buggers.
But I am a sad bastard, so I will do the whole damned lot.
Brace yourselves.
And no carping that some of these are not true sentences.
This is my blog; if I say it's a sentence, it's a sentence.
Right.
Strap in. Here goes:
1. Yourself: Dorky
Well this one doesn't really need five sentences to explain it.
What can I say?
I'm forty-eight years old, fat, ugly, balding and single.
I am crap at life.
Ergo: I am a dork.
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Cute
Insufferably cute.
Her smile is cute.
Her laugh is cute.
Her butt is cute.
Hell, every damned thing about her is cute.
3. Your hair: Escaping
Yeah, it's been sneaking away for years.
It started by creeping further and further up my forehead.
Then, one awful day in a bank in London, I saw myself from behind on the cctv monitors and realised a whole bunch of my hair had leapt off the back of my head when I wasn't looking.
So I'm mister bald patch now.
Arse!
4. Your mother/stepmother: Cakey
Some of you know my Mum.
She's retired now, but bakes and decorates cakes.
She's extremely good at it.
Have a look for yourself.
I get to eat a lot of cake.
5. Your dog: Dead
Yup.
Long dead.
Bruno.
He was great.
But he's not any more.
6. Your favorite item: Guitars
Or more specifically, my old Gibson Les Paul.
We've been together now since 1969.
We've played countless gigs and sessions together and – much as I love all my other guitars - that old Les is my lifelong friend and confidante.
I like to sit at the foot of the stairs and play it unplugged; or more accurately, to simply relax and see what happens; more of an improvised conversation with an old companion than actually playing anything specific.
Sometimes, feelings come out in the music that I could never say in words; in our musical conversations I've told that guitar things I could never reveal to another person … even to myself.
7. Your dream last night: Her
Kind of a drippy dream, I'm afraid.
Lots of holding hands.
Gazing into one another's eyes.
Kissing (a lot).
Lost in love.
8. Your favorite drink: Water
Actually I love scotch.
I love wine
I love beer
I love green tea
I love coffee … but mostly I drink water.
9. Your dream car: Spyder
The old Porsche Spyder.
You know, the type James Dean died in.
There's a company not far from here that makes beautiful replicas.
I almost bought one after the Goodwood Revival vintage racing car meet last year.
I'm going again this year …
10. The room you are in: Office
Actually, my home office today.
You've all seen it on my posts.
Having said that, when I filled in the original meme I was in my London office.
You've seen that one as well.
Hell, it's hard enough to find ONE thing to say about my office; let alone five whole sentences.
11. There is no number eleven. Check your calculator; it doesn't exist.
12. Your fear: Decaff
Ew … Brrrrr … Decaff.
Pure evil in a mug.
Coffee with all the joy taken out of it.
Don't EVER offer me decaff … you wouldn't like me on decaff.
I NEED MY CAFFEINE!
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Sated
Yup. I'll probably be dropping dead sometime around then.
So I want to go out totally satisfied and having had as much enjoyment as I can possibly take.
Which is going to make the next ten years kind of fun, as at the moment I am pretty much unsatisfied with everything in my life.
So bring it on!
Satisfy me!
14. Who you hung out with last night: Her
Mmmmmmmmmmmm.
Last night, too; as well as the night before the original meme.
We talked a lot.
We cooked.
Some rudery inevitably crept in.
15. What you're not: Dead
So far.
Though I've lived most of my life, so it's coming.
I don't mind at all; I'm not religious; I know there's no afterlife.
When you're dead, you're dead; like roadkill, only bigger.
I can't see why people have a problem with it.
16. Muffin: Mule
Hell, that ages me!
I never ate a muffin until two Saturdays ago.
They seem to have insinuated their way across from America over the past decade or so.
We never saw then before that.
I was most disappointed to find that it was just a bun.
17: One of your wish list items: Superpowers.
Yaaaay … anyone who could be arsed to click on the link will know what my superpower is.
Though you have to scroll down the old post past a lot of crap about the Game of Scunthorpe to find out.
If anybody is in need of my superpower, just let me know.
I'll come running (or more probably I'll use public transport) to your aid.
Any excuse to wear tights and a cape.
18: Time: Bed
Actually, it's 11:32AM when I'm writing this.
It wasn't bedtime when I wrote the answer to the original meme either.
I just like bedtime.
"Time for bed" said Zebedee.
Boing! (That'll confuse the Americans) …
19. The last thing you did: Type
Yup.
It's what I'm doing now, too.
Kind of a stupid question for a meme where you have to type to fill it in.
The last thing I did before I typed was eat a croissant.
I am a croissant pig.
20. What you are wearing: Cashmere
Actually, right this minute I am stark bollock naked.
I love working from home.
When I wrote the original answer, I was in my office in Westminster.
We don't have a dress code as such, but they do like you to be dressed.
So I had a cashmere sweater on (amongst other things) as I like cashmere; it doesn't itch.
21. Your favorite weather: Spring
Spring weather is lovely.
Warm, but not too warm
Sunny, but with those little fluffy clouds you get at the start of The Simpsons.
Rainy, but nice little showers.
Autumn's nice, too, but Summer and Winter suck ass.
22. Your favorite book: All
You know me and books.
My house is sinking under the weight of many thousands of 'em.
My name is Dive and I am a biblioholic.
My Mum used to say (before she knew better), "Just how many books do you need?"
To which I would answer, "All of them."
23. The last thing you ate: Croissant
That's true of today, as well as the original meme.
I like croissants.
They are perfect with a latte in the morning.
Nothing on them; just a plain croissant.
I love tearing them up and stuffing them into my mouth.
24. Your life: Groovy
Intercoursingly groovy!
I live in a beautiful village on the Norfolk Broads.
I have a dream job in Westminster that I love, and which also lets me work from home.
I love my family and friends.
Somebody very special loves me.
25. Your mood: Perky
Yup, still perky today.
I suppose the answers to the previous questions should give you a hint as to why.
But especially the last sentence of the five.
The Lovely Betty posted about Pinky and Perky the other day, which brought horrific memories flooding back.
My brother had the very same wallpaper she describes, which explains a lot.
26. Your best friend/s: Musicians
Well, musicians and artists actually, though mostly musicians.
Oddly enough, the one exception is a librarian, which kind of ties in with my bibliomania.
Musicians make great friends.
They also drink a lot.
Which can be fun.
27. What are you thinking about right now? Her
Inevitably, I still am.
And now.
And now.
And now.
And I have no intention of stopping.
28. Your car: Black
Yup, black.
And tiny.
And nippy.
And cute.
None more black.
29. What are you doing at the moment?: Skiving.
When I answered the original meme I was in the office, doing it in office time.
Now I am filling in this much longer version in my home office.
Time here is much more flexible, as I have an extra seven-and-a-half hours every day when I'm not commuting.
So I can apportion my time how I want, as long as I get a full day's work done.
I have decided that this is an extended coffee break, so this time I am not skiving.
30. Your summer: Sultry
I hate Summer.
Sultry is too damned uncomfortably hot and sticky.
And I get hay fever too, which stinks.
And the fucking lawnmowers never stop.
Roll on Autumn.
31. Your relationship status: Complicated
I think that's probably the best word to describe it.
Which is why you won't find out much more about it.
Until, that is, things become less complicated.
Then I/we can tell you everything.
Except the rude bits, which you can fill in for yourselves.
32. What is on your TV?: Nothing
Nothing on top of it; nothing on the screen.
I didn't have a telly for fifteen years; I had a life instead.
Now I've just got one to watch the news at five in the morning and to watch DVDs of old movies.
When the stupid government switch off the analogue signal in a year or so, I will bin the stupid thing.
I much prefer radio, and I can watch DVDs on my Mac, so bollocks to telly.
33. What is the weather like?: Sunny
It was indeed sunny when I answered the original meme.
Now it's that typically British Tupperware sky.
Just a dull, uniform off-white blah.
I prefer sunny.
But I live in England, so sunny is a nice occasional bonus, like finding a bar of chocolate you didn't know you had.
34. When is the last time you laughed?: 1974
Actually I kind of exaggerated the answer to this one.
The last time I laughed out loud with any sense of genuine hilarity was when I read Lynn's comment on yesterday's "vibie" post.
I laughed until the tears rolled down my aching cheeks.
Thank you, Lynn.
Laughing like that is good for the soul.
Take the original "One Word Only" meme.
Using the same answers you gave, expand each one to five sentences.
Groover actually has a life, so she only filled in a random seven of the buggers.
But I am a sad bastard, so I will do the whole damned lot.
Brace yourselves.
And no carping that some of these are not true sentences.
This is my blog; if I say it's a sentence, it's a sentence.
Right.
Strap in. Here goes:
1. Yourself: Dorky
Well this one doesn't really need five sentences to explain it.
What can I say?
I'm forty-eight years old, fat, ugly, balding and single.
I am crap at life.
Ergo: I am a dork.
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Cute
Insufferably cute.
Her smile is cute.
Her laugh is cute.
Her butt is cute.
Hell, every damned thing about her is cute.
3. Your hair: Escaping
Yeah, it's been sneaking away for years.
It started by creeping further and further up my forehead.
Then, one awful day in a bank in London, I saw myself from behind on the cctv monitors and realised a whole bunch of my hair had leapt off the back of my head when I wasn't looking.
So I'm mister bald patch now.
Arse!
4. Your mother/stepmother: Cakey
Some of you know my Mum.
She's retired now, but bakes and decorates cakes.
She's extremely good at it.
Have a look for yourself.
I get to eat a lot of cake.
5. Your dog: Dead
Yup.
Long dead.
Bruno.
He was great.
But he's not any more.
6. Your favorite item: Guitars
Or more specifically, my old Gibson Les Paul.
We've been together now since 1969.
We've played countless gigs and sessions together and – much as I love all my other guitars - that old Les is my lifelong friend and confidante.
I like to sit at the foot of the stairs and play it unplugged; or more accurately, to simply relax and see what happens; more of an improvised conversation with an old companion than actually playing anything specific.
Sometimes, feelings come out in the music that I could never say in words; in our musical conversations I've told that guitar things I could never reveal to another person … even to myself.
7. Your dream last night: Her
Kind of a drippy dream, I'm afraid.
Lots of holding hands.
Gazing into one another's eyes.
Kissing (a lot).
Lost in love.
8. Your favorite drink: Water
Actually I love scotch.
I love wine
I love beer
I love green tea
I love coffee … but mostly I drink water.
9. Your dream car: Spyder
The old Porsche Spyder.
You know, the type James Dean died in.
There's a company not far from here that makes beautiful replicas.
I almost bought one after the Goodwood Revival vintage racing car meet last year.
I'm going again this year …
10. The room you are in: Office
Actually, my home office today.
You've all seen it on my posts.
Having said that, when I filled in the original meme I was in my London office.
You've seen that one as well.
Hell, it's hard enough to find ONE thing to say about my office; let alone five whole sentences.
11. There is no number eleven. Check your calculator; it doesn't exist.
12. Your fear: Decaff
Ew … Brrrrr … Decaff.
Pure evil in a mug.
Coffee with all the joy taken out of it.
Don't EVER offer me decaff … you wouldn't like me on decaff.
I NEED MY CAFFEINE!
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Sated
Yup. I'll probably be dropping dead sometime around then.
So I want to go out totally satisfied and having had as much enjoyment as I can possibly take.
Which is going to make the next ten years kind of fun, as at the moment I am pretty much unsatisfied with everything in my life.
So bring it on!
Satisfy me!
14. Who you hung out with last night: Her
Mmmmmmmmmmmm.
Last night, too; as well as the night before the original meme.
We talked a lot.
We cooked.
Some rudery inevitably crept in.
15. What you're not: Dead
So far.
Though I've lived most of my life, so it's coming.
I don't mind at all; I'm not religious; I know there's no afterlife.
When you're dead, you're dead; like roadkill, only bigger.
I can't see why people have a problem with it.
16. Muffin: Mule
Hell, that ages me!
I never ate a muffin until two Saturdays ago.
They seem to have insinuated their way across from America over the past decade or so.
We never saw then before that.
I was most disappointed to find that it was just a bun.
17: One of your wish list items: Superpowers.
Yaaaay … anyone who could be arsed to click on the link will know what my superpower is.
Though you have to scroll down the old post past a lot of crap about the Game of Scunthorpe to find out.
If anybody is in need of my superpower, just let me know.
I'll come running (or more probably I'll use public transport) to your aid.
Any excuse to wear tights and a cape.
18: Time: Bed
Actually, it's 11:32AM when I'm writing this.
It wasn't bedtime when I wrote the answer to the original meme either.
I just like bedtime.
"Time for bed" said Zebedee.
Boing! (That'll confuse the Americans) …
19. The last thing you did: Type
Yup.
It's what I'm doing now, too.
Kind of a stupid question for a meme where you have to type to fill it in.
The last thing I did before I typed was eat a croissant.
I am a croissant pig.
20. What you are wearing: Cashmere
Actually, right this minute I am stark bollock naked.
I love working from home.
When I wrote the original answer, I was in my office in Westminster.
We don't have a dress code as such, but they do like you to be dressed.
So I had a cashmere sweater on (amongst other things) as I like cashmere; it doesn't itch.
21. Your favorite weather: Spring
Spring weather is lovely.
Warm, but not too warm
Sunny, but with those little fluffy clouds you get at the start of The Simpsons.
Rainy, but nice little showers.
Autumn's nice, too, but Summer and Winter suck ass.
22. Your favorite book: All
You know me and books.
My house is sinking under the weight of many thousands of 'em.
My name is Dive and I am a biblioholic.
My Mum used to say (before she knew better), "Just how many books do you need?"
To which I would answer, "All of them."
23. The last thing you ate: Croissant
That's true of today, as well as the original meme.
I like croissants.
They are perfect with a latte in the morning.
Nothing on them; just a plain croissant.
I love tearing them up and stuffing them into my mouth.
24. Your life: Groovy
Intercoursingly groovy!
I live in a beautiful village on the Norfolk Broads.
I have a dream job in Westminster that I love, and which also lets me work from home.
I love my family and friends.
Somebody very special loves me.
25. Your mood: Perky
Yup, still perky today.
I suppose the answers to the previous questions should give you a hint as to why.
But especially the last sentence of the five.
The Lovely Betty posted about Pinky and Perky the other day, which brought horrific memories flooding back.
My brother had the very same wallpaper she describes, which explains a lot.
26. Your best friend/s: Musicians
Well, musicians and artists actually, though mostly musicians.
Oddly enough, the one exception is a librarian, which kind of ties in with my bibliomania.
Musicians make great friends.
They also drink a lot.
Which can be fun.
27. What are you thinking about right now? Her
Inevitably, I still am.
And now.
And now.
And now.
And I have no intention of stopping.
28. Your car: Black
Yup, black.
And tiny.
And nippy.
And cute.
None more black.
29. What are you doing at the moment?: Skiving.
When I answered the original meme I was in the office, doing it in office time.
Now I am filling in this much longer version in my home office.
Time here is much more flexible, as I have an extra seven-and-a-half hours every day when I'm not commuting.
So I can apportion my time how I want, as long as I get a full day's work done.
I have decided that this is an extended coffee break, so this time I am not skiving.
30. Your summer: Sultry
I hate Summer.
Sultry is too damned uncomfortably hot and sticky.
And I get hay fever too, which stinks.
And the fucking lawnmowers never stop.
Roll on Autumn.
31. Your relationship status: Complicated
I think that's probably the best word to describe it.
Which is why you won't find out much more about it.
Until, that is, things become less complicated.
Then I/we can tell you everything.
Except the rude bits, which you can fill in for yourselves.
32. What is on your TV?: Nothing
Nothing on top of it; nothing on the screen.
I didn't have a telly for fifteen years; I had a life instead.
Now I've just got one to watch the news at five in the morning and to watch DVDs of old movies.
When the stupid government switch off the analogue signal in a year or so, I will bin the stupid thing.
I much prefer radio, and I can watch DVDs on my Mac, so bollocks to telly.
33. What is the weather like?: Sunny
It was indeed sunny when I answered the original meme.
Now it's that typically British Tupperware sky.
Just a dull, uniform off-white blah.
I prefer sunny.
But I live in England, so sunny is a nice occasional bonus, like finding a bar of chocolate you didn't know you had.
34. When is the last time you laughed?: 1974
Actually I kind of exaggerated the answer to this one.
The last time I laughed out loud with any sense of genuine hilarity was when I read Lynn's comment on yesterday's "vibie" post.
I laughed until the tears rolled down my aching cheeks.
Thank you, Lynn.
Laughing like that is good for the soul.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Groover's Meme
Hey, I just nicked this off Groover's blog while she slept (I'm that kinda guy).
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
No.
Explanations.
Here we go then:
1. Yourself: Dorky
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Cute
3. Your hair: Escaping
4. Your mother/stepmother: Cakey
5. Your dog: Dead
6. Your favorite item: Guitars
7. Your dream last night: Her
8. Your favorite drink: Water
9. Your dream car: Spyder
10. The room you are in: Office
12. Your fear: Decaff
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Sated
14. Who you hung out with last night: Her
15. What you're not: Dead
16. Muffin: Mule
17: One of your wish list items: Superpowers.
18: Time: Bed
19. The last thing you did: Type
20. What you are wearing: Cashmere
21. Your favorite weather: Spring
22. Your favorite book: All
23. The last thing you ate: Croissant
24. Your life: Groovy
25. Your mood: Perky
26. Your best friend/s: Musicians
27. What are you thinking about right now? Her
28. Your car: Black
29. What are you doing at the moment?: Skiving
30. Your summer: Sultry
31. Your relationship status: Complicated
32. What is on your TV?: Nothing
33. What is the weather like?: Sunny
34. When is the last time you laughed?: 1974
Your turn.
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
No.
Explanations.
Here we go then:
1. Yourself: Dorky
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Cute
3. Your hair: Escaping
4. Your mother/stepmother: Cakey
5. Your dog: Dead
6. Your favorite item: Guitars
7. Your dream last night: Her
8. Your favorite drink: Water
9. Your dream car: Spyder
10. The room you are in: Office
12. Your fear: Decaff
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Sated
14. Who you hung out with last night: Her
15. What you're not: Dead
16. Muffin: Mule
17: One of your wish list items: Superpowers.
18: Time: Bed
19. The last thing you did: Type
20. What you are wearing: Cashmere
21. Your favorite weather: Spring
22. Your favorite book: All
23. The last thing you ate: Croissant
24. Your life: Groovy
25. Your mood: Perky
26. Your best friend/s: Musicians
27. What are you thinking about right now? Her
28. Your car: Black
29. What are you doing at the moment?: Skiving
30. Your summer: Sultry
31. Your relationship status: Complicated
32. What is on your TV?: Nothing
33. What is the weather like?: Sunny
34. When is the last time you laughed?: 1974
Your turn.
Friday, December 15, 2006
It's That Mister Knudsen Again
I know it's another bloody meme, but this one has an impeccable pedigree, coming as it does from the lovely Gaijin Girl via the equally lovely Fake Knudsen.
Here we go then:
1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Me.
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Bono. Can I do it now, please?
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Tony Blair.
4. What is your favourite cheese?
Stilton or smegma (easy to confuse the two).
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Stilton and mango chutney. Mmmm …
6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Is Marge Simpson a movie celebrity? If not, then Akiko Wakabayashi from "You Only Live Twice".
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Any member of Morning Musume.
8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
Unwisely.
9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Harajuku, Tokyo. For the weemen …
10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Eat whale sashimi.
11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?
I'm with Fake Knudsen on this; a top Islay malt, probably cask strength Talisker as I've only got a little left in the cupboard.
12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-travelling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you travelling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I'd go back to Biblical Jerusalem and bribe Pilate to let Jesus off.
Then I'd tell Jesus about all the shit that's been done in His and His Dad's names so he'd tell the disciples he was only joking about the son of God bit and then slope off with Mary Magdalen and run a nightclub.
13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
Women must not wear denim (ugh).
14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?
It's called "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and stars every "celebrity" on the planet. They are brutally beaten and tortured for twenty minutes in front of a live audience, then put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
15. What is your favorite curse word?
Arse!
16. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item?
My old Les Paul. No contest.
17. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Start wanking. An endless supply of tissue paper must be standing there for a reason.
18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Kill everybody else on the planet.
19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?
I already have a Superpower (it's about halfway down this post).
20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Judith Flaxman. 1977. Just about any half hour. Mmmmmm … Nuff said.
21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Most of the first forty-eight years.
22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-travelling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now?
Japan.
23. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
Rick's Bar, Casablanca or Moe's Tavern … It's gotta be Moe's; I can't stand Nazis.
24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?
Jesus. Then we'll do the helium balloon voice thing and scare the shit out of the disciples.
25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
No celebrity is worth bringing back to life.
26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, once again Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
Nobody. Life sucks. They're better off dead.
27. What’s your theme song?
Prayer To God by Shellac
28. Who’s up next?
As you've all probably seen this on Old K's blog, there's no-one else to pass it on to, unless you're a new reader, in which case get to work, sucker.
Here we go then:
1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Me.
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Bono. Can I do it now, please?
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Tony Blair.
4. What is your favourite cheese?
Stilton or smegma (easy to confuse the two).
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Stilton and mango chutney. Mmmm …
6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Is Marge Simpson a movie celebrity? If not, then Akiko Wakabayashi from "You Only Live Twice".
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Any member of Morning Musume.
8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
Unwisely.
9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Harajuku, Tokyo. For the weemen …
10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Eat whale sashimi.
11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?
I'm with Fake Knudsen on this; a top Islay malt, probably cask strength Talisker as I've only got a little left in the cupboard.
12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-travelling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you travelling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I'd go back to Biblical Jerusalem and bribe Pilate to let Jesus off.
Then I'd tell Jesus about all the shit that's been done in His and His Dad's names so he'd tell the disciples he was only joking about the son of God bit and then slope off with Mary Magdalen and run a nightclub.
13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
Women must not wear denim (ugh).
14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?
It's called "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and stars every "celebrity" on the planet. They are brutally beaten and tortured for twenty minutes in front of a live audience, then put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
15. What is your favorite curse word?
Arse!
16. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item?
My old Les Paul. No contest.
17. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Start wanking. An endless supply of tissue paper must be standing there for a reason.
18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Kill everybody else on the planet.
19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?
I already have a Superpower (it's about halfway down this post).
20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Judith Flaxman. 1977. Just about any half hour. Mmmmmm … Nuff said.
21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Most of the first forty-eight years.
22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-travelling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now?
Japan.
23. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
Rick's Bar, Casablanca or Moe's Tavern … It's gotta be Moe's; I can't stand Nazis.
24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?
Jesus. Then we'll do the helium balloon voice thing and scare the shit out of the disciples.
25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
No celebrity is worth bringing back to life.
26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, once again Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
Nobody. Life sucks. They're better off dead.
27. What’s your theme song?
Prayer To God by Shellac
28. Who’s up next?
As you've all probably seen this on Old K's blog, there's no-one else to pass it on to, unless you're a new reader, in which case get to work, sucker.
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