Talking of crap, here's another meme:
I found this one on Terroni's blog a few days back.
Or rather I found the bones of it.
It was pretty good but I felt it needed a touch of Dive to make up for its lack of cynicism and swearing.
It started with "What were you doing ten years ago", which - as the original meme was written by an extremely smart ten year old kid - is a pretty good question.
I felt his answer lacked not only anatomical correctness but graphic and disgusting detail … and possibly video … so I hi-jacked his meme.
Hey ho, here we go:
What were you doing thirty years ago?
Yikes! 1977!
Most of that year I spent naked with Judith Flaxman, going at it like there was no tomorrow. And playing in bands and going to punk gigs and managing a punk band (Hi, Mini. Where are you now, I wonder) and co-running Radio Maidstone and passing A-levels and going to college and smoking dope and hanging out.
Fuck me, that was a good year!
What were you doing one year ago?
Waiting for death.
Five snacks you enjoy
Onigiri.
Croissants.
Wasabi peas.
Edamame.
Clitoris.
Five songs you know all the lyrics to
Prayer To God by Shellac (easy as most of the words are "fucking").
Little Green by Joni Mitchell, for reasons of my own.
Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes because it should be our national anthem.
Nightswimming by REM for the photograph on the dashboard.
Chicken Pussy by Bongwater for obvious reasons.
Without moving your sorry ass from your chair, look around and select one item within your reach and eat it. Well? What was it?
Dammit! There's no food in my studio you bastard.
At work I always have one of those fruity oaty bars that look like poo for just such an eventuality, but I just tore up and ate today's page from my Dilbert desk calendar. Ick.
Actually it tasted no worse than the fruity oaty poo bar.
Five bad habits (and no, masturbation is a good, healthy habit)
I'm a world class nose-picker.
I occasionally drink from the bottle; milk, beer, whatever … but hey, I live alone and hate washing up.
Caffeine addiction.
Sitting up all night watching old movies and crying.
Long distance commuting. That's the one that's gonna kill me.
Five living people who shouldn't be (at least one of whom you should know personally … c'mon; get bitchy)
Let's start with George Bush Senior. Take out that fucker and we automatically lose Dubya, too. Bonus! After all, without daddy, the twisted, throwback chimp-sperm that brought forth Junior would never have existed. That particular combination of proteins and enzymes could and should have gone on to become part of something far more useful, like a piece of cheese or an ant, or something oozing around in the digestive tract of a yak.
Bono … obviously.
Karl Rove … even more obviously.
Margaret Thatcher - spiritual Mother to Blair (like the Bushes, we take out two with one shot).
Me.
Five things you like to do
Walk along the Embankment every weekday morning, whatever the weather. Watching the Thames roll by as the city staggers out of bed and gets its ass in gear.
Sit on the bottom step of the stairs with my old Gibson Les Paul and see what it has to say.
Have sex with girls.
Sleep.
Blog.
Five things you would never wear again
Flares.
Hawai'ian shirts.
Tank tops.
Cardigans for men (what the fuck?).
Brüt (any Brits alive in the seventies will be gagging at the memory).
Five favourite toys
Guitars.
Macs.
iPod.
PS2.
Car.
So I'm a bloke! Go figure.
Five things you would never put in your mouth again
Lychees that have been left in an uncovered bowl in a "friend"s fridge overnight next to some iffy prawns and strong, French cheeses.
Ming The Menstrual's tongue (or any other part of her).
Pork cheese (don't ask).
Home-made wasabi chocolate.
My own cum (hey, it was in somebody else's mouth at the time). Ick!
Never accept a blowie off a mischievous woman!
Hey! You're a millionaire! Five things you'd do now you have all that money
Woohoo!
Move to Tokyo and sit outside Harajuku Station leering at girls.
Dress how the fuck I want (currently - looking down at myself - like somebody blew up a tramp and wore what was left).
Buy waaay too many books … er … hang on, I do that already.
Point and laugh at those less fortunate.
Be a complete and total bastard.
Five things you've done while drunk
Puked.
Had sex.
Played gigs.
Eaten sixteen raw scotch bonnet chilis.
Broken into Dunston Hall (now a hotel, but then a derelict Elizabethan mansion, all boarded up) one Halloween night with some friends and sat around in the dark telling ghost stories to scare the willies out of one another. We found an old harmonium and were playing horror movie style chords on it when there was a fucking great bang that came echoing down the empty corridors. Holy shit, did we run! It was only the board we had prised off the window falling down in the wind but Paul was sick and Sue peed herself. hee hee hee. Ah, drunken youth.
Name something (or someone) other than your poo that has been inside your bum
Gack!
An enema tube and a load of soapy water before my appendix operation. Luckily I was out cold but my mad aunt, Nurse Wratched told me all about it. Ewwww.
Five albums you own that embarrass you (be truthful)
Olias Of Sunhillow by Jon Anderson (appalling sub-hobbitry from Yes frontman … Hey, I was a hippy; these things happen).
Boston by Boston. Holy crap, it's time I joined Robyn's church and started smashing old vinyl.
Rising Force by Yngwie Malmsteen. What the fuck was I thinking?
Not Fragile by Bachman Turner Overdrive. Shit! I didn't even know I owned that. Take my advice; never look through your old vinyl shelves. Yikes!
The Eagles Greatest Hits. Kill me now.
Five criminal acts you've committed and have never been caught for
We blew up a telephone box back in my bomb-making youth. Woohoo! That was a doozy!
Sneaking into car parks at night and swapping round all the number plates.
Following a police patrol car around Norwich for a good twenty minutes while smoking a fucking HUGE spliff.
Driving under the influence of: drink/drugs/fellatio.
Stealing a load of traffic cones and shutting off a busy street for a whole Saturday.
Hokay. That's enough crap for today.
I won't tag anyone as we all hate memes, but if anybody feels in the mood, go for it.
13 comments:
I don't know where to begin or what to quote. Generally just laughing my arse off and now I have something to blog on sunday.
However 30 years ago I was at pre school.
hee hee--I was just about to say I don't know where to begin, but Kate beat me to it.
I'll continue in her pattern and say that 30 years ago, I was in high school and playing the cymbals in the marching band. And I like the Eagles, so there.
I generally don't have blogging stamina to actually do a meme in one throw, but I can definitely use this for inspiration for several posts.
30 years ago I 7 years old, on summer break, being taken care of by a wacky nanny who had my sister and me call her Mary Poppins, drove a stationwagon that was spray-painted pink and took us rollerskating in pink skates. That year, my favorite snack was walnuts dipped in honey. I ate them like it was my job. 20 years ago... that's a horse of another color. I discovered orgasms that year.
I think that's what every 10 year old's meme needs--a "name something that's been in your bum" question.
Thirty years ago? My mom didn't start getting high and having sex in the back of Monte Carlos until 27 years ago, so the world had not yet been graced with my presence.
Ummm... I'm at work. Will write something later.
How very brave of you to tell your mom that you ate your own cum... I am sure she is very proud to be called your mom right about now!
Thanks for cheering me up, Dive. I knew that a visit to the small glass planet would lighten my fairly crap mood. hey, I had Yngwie Malmsteen's Rising Farce too (briefly). What was it in the 80s with seeing how many notes you could fit into a small space? I've just listened once again to the fantastic recording of you and Tinks playing 'Cold Cold Feeling' - less is definitely more!
Thanks Pea; you're so sweet.
Yngwie … Hee hee. Dear oh dear.
Prudence: Mum only reads the posts I show her. She knows this is a disgusting blog and is out of bounds.
As for the rest of you, even if you don't do the meme I really think you should let the world know what embarrassing albums are lurking in your cupboards. Of all the revolting revelations in today's post, the only thing I am truly ashamed of is owning Jon Anderson's Olias Of Sunhillow.
Celine Dion--Unison.
Although, possession being 9/10s of the law, I don't actually own the CD anymore. It was stolen.
OMG DB!
Your "C" snack!!!
LMAO!
=)
XO
Don't blame me, Ame …
When a woman leaps up the bed and jams her tongue in your mouth before you realise what's going on, there's not a lot you can do about it.
Yikes!
And Terroni: Celine Dion? That is truly disgusting.
A bloke with your good taste, Dive, will never go hungry.
EW!
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