Here we go again.
I became the victim of another fragmentation grenade disguised as a croissant this morning. That's two consecutive mornings now where my breakfast has threatened to maim me.
Listen up, Caffè Nero! Croissants are not supposed to be dark chocolate brown and crunchy and they're definitely not supposed to explode into a billion pieces of baked shrapnel when you break them open, leaving no more than a pitiful morsel of edible bread in the centre.
Time to switch my breakfast shop …
And to plead once again to the world's bakers for somebody to develop a biscuit (and indeed a croissant) that is safe to eat in bed and will not - no matter how much clearing up after - leave a single, lurking, malicious and very sharp crumb somewhere in the middle of the bed to wake me with a yelp at two in the morning.
I'm sure I heard it giggling.
Is that too much to ask?
Humankind now has the technological nous to leave plastic American flags on the Moon; to teach a chimp to talk (and make it President); to enable you and I to look at photos of bum sex in the privacy of our homes and offices and yet …
Still no crumbless biscuit.
Lazy bastard bakers.
17 comments:
"I'm sure I heard it giggling."
Nah it was me. Too funny.
At least your croissants look like croissants, over here in a particular breakfast spot in sydney they smush them in a grill press.
PS does anyone know where lynn has disappeared to?
She's back.
Probably had a fragmentation pastry injury.
Maybe instead of a crumbless biscuit you use a dropsheet...
But the croissant thing - I get you there. It's like eating a sausage roll in the car. Designed to sit in a pie warmer for three days before some unfortunate muso decides they are the best food invented, the sausage roll sends out flakes that actually adhere themselves (with the helpof their amazingly high grease content) to anything that comes in their path.
Augh! Those sausage rolls! Just thinking about them makes me want to wash grease off my hands. Ew! How can comfort food be so uncomfortable?
It has an enzyme included in it that erases all memory of how bad the last incident of consumption was.
Hee hee! If the buggers are clever enough to do that then they can damn well make me a crumbless biscuit!
"Lazy bastard bakers."
Bakers have, so far, enjoyed entirely too much impunity. I'm glad you're rectifying that.
I think they resent having to get up early (as do I), so they booby-trap our food.
Bastards!
Maybe Vic has a point, but instead of a drop sheet, you could tie on the kind of baby big that has a pouch to collect the crumbs.
Dive, you sound like a very old man with that last bit.
Hee hee.
I AM a very old man, young Sassy.
And Robyn: I shall go buy a lobster bib and paint a biscuit on the front. Excellent advice. Thank you.
Jeeez!!! hahaha heeehee could only happen to you dive... or me for that matter. :))
How bout just eating "sausage" in the car!!!!
LMAO! Might try that myself!
EEEEEEEEEK!
AVERT EYES!
;)
xo
I say just switch to yogurt. I have Vermont honey water buffalo yogurt every morning and have never suffered a crumb from it yet.
Yesterday,after Liv's swim team practice, we went through BK to pick up a sausage, egg and cheese bisquit for her. They were out and gave us a "croissant" instead. I sat there staring at it. I mean, I KNOW that it was BK, but I sweat it didn't look remotely like a croissant. I suppose now I am going to have get off my fat lazy American ass and take Liv to a decent bakery so that she can see what a real croissant is....
Shit.
Dive, where are you?
When you said you would be blogging 3 days a week, I assumed that would be Mon, Tue, Wed. Is that not the case? And if not, would you be so kind as to post your schedule so that I know when I can live vicariously through your rants and when I have to muster up the energy to come up with my own pissiness?
Really, I feel like it's the least you could do.
Sorry, T.
This week I had a meeting in Norwich on Wednesday so I worked from home that day.
Normally it is Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in London but this week was different.
And tonight I actually have a connection in the village. If my internet service provider actually provided an internet service I would be back to blogging every day again. Hey ho.
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