Homo Habilis Divii

Yup … Dive the handyman.

For some strange reason (I truly believe I will suddenly understand women the moment before I die and will leave this world with a very surprised look on my face) Lynn and Petrea seem to find the fact that I put up some crappy shelves in the gym on Sunday somehow sexy.

To knock that sexiness on the head, here are the crappy shelves.

I just needed somewhere to put a whole load of CDs and DVDs and there happened to be a spare wall in the gym so …

Just as well I left room for expansion. I can squeeze another three shelves up there and there are hundreds more CDs in the studio …
Sheesh!

And yes, laydees; that is where I get nekkid and sweaty (not currently having any reason to do so in the bedroom).

So …
Let's get serious with a screwdriver …
At the risk of causing swoons and simpering from Tewkesbury to Pasadena, pray allow me to take you way back in the mists of time to when I bought my first house.

I believe the term for this kind of thing is "a fixer-upper".
Well … I fixed the fucker up myself.
It took me eighteen months and at the end of it I never wanted to see any of it ever again, so I sold it on the very day I finished it.

Hmmm … This doesn't look good.

Right! Throw some old curtains over everything and let's rip the shit out of this place!

Having re-wired and re-plumbed it (and stupidly not taken photos … these are about all I could find … if only I knew then what weemen find sexy), I started replastering the ceilings and walls.

Note the neat re-wiring job on the new dimmer switch.
And okay, Ming the Menstrual did have a sweet ass, I'll give her that.
I do have a weakness for a cute bippy, laydees please take note.

Katie says:
Fuck off! This is MY dust sheet. Go find your own.

She also got kinda fascinated by just about everything …
"Wotcha doin'?"
"I'm hitting crap with a hammer, what's it LOOK like I'm doing?"

Anyhoo …
Here's some Divery:
Before …

During …

And after.

I used to love all this stuff.

Ming even helped with the papering. Sort of.

Dive and Nigel put up a greenhouse …
According to the instructions it was supposed to be a table but you know what Ikea are like.

While Dive and Phil make a start on the front garden.
Cheeses of Nazareth, I wish I were that skinny today!

Phil celebrates ripping the old kitchen to bits by adopting a classic eighties bad hair-do.
That's dad on the right. I love my dad and miss him a lot. He taught me how to do all this crap (except wallpapering … mum's the expert at that … I thought I'd better mention it before SHE did … OW)!
Note the little red First Aid kit on the right. Probably the most essential piece of kit for home renovations.

Check out the Osama bin Dickwad beard!
Fuck me, what was I thinking?
At least I found a use for one of those crappy jumpers I used to get for Christmas.

Hey, I've still got that drill! I used it to put the shelves up at the weekend. Yay!

"Feed me! … Stop dicking around with all this kitchen crap and FEED ME!"

There's always one screw … one fucking awkward screw you just can't get at.

Yay for a nice new gas hob!
Actually I could do with a new one here but bollocks to making another kitchen; I'll pay some other fucker to do that.

Anyhoo … I kinda liked that kitchen.

It was bigger than the crappy one I'm stuck with today.
Hey ho.

So … There you have it.
I can cook, iron and put up shelves.

All I need now is a pretty girl to do all that stuff for …

… with a cute bippy, of course.

Beachy

Earlier this week, Shazza posted a beautiful piece about the beach in winter.
Her photographs are amazing and evocative. The north east coast of the US looks almost exactly like that of Norfolk and when I get the chance I'll head down there and do a similar photo-fest.

Winter is my favourite time for going to the beach. Especially in storms.
Except maybe that one Christmas Day when Peahen, Helly, Joan, Vic and me headed out into the gathering darkness with the dogs after Christmas dinner ("Who fancies a quick walk on the beach?" … HA!) and hiked right up the north-east Norfolk coast into the teeth of a howling northerly gale, screaming down from the north pole (we are the first bit of land it hits) and lashing our faces with sleet and hail … Brr … It was high tide and the sea pounded over us and our faces were frozen into icicle-clad masks of pain … The dogs loved it, though.
As did Pea … she still does that for pleasure!

In the meantime here are a few shots of ridiculously calm seas at my favourite bit of East Anglian beach: Walberswick.
I did a post about a storm there once. In the bottom photo you can see the beginnings of the concrete breakwater that starred in that post.

You can also see Old Dive during my "beardy twat" phase, which is to bring you warning that I am hunting through my photographs for a photo of me with a ponytail for a post sometime soon on "What's The Worst Hair You've Ever Had?" and I expect all of you to do the same.
You have been warned.
Perms, mullets, conrnrow, whatever. Dig it out and get ready to be judged.

Even in good weather the coast round my way looks seriously trashed.

The winter storms are gradually winning and the sea is taking back the land.

These smashed groynes are a great place to find mussels. Yum.

Dive: the Robinson Crusoe years.