As another week of my life starts up like an old truck on a frosty morning and last week slowly submerges in the reeking pismire that is my past with some amusing sucking and bubbling noises I realise that I am suffering from meme withdrawal; nobody's asked me any stupid or inane questions for ages now.
Hey, and indeed ho.
I'd better ask 'em myself.
(I might slip in some oldies if I get stuck for inspiration - inevitable on a Monday - though not the cum-eating one).
Let's get boring, sordid and prurient:
1. We'll start with the weekend just gone. Be honest; how much booze did you drink?
About half a bottle of nice French Chardonnay and several scotches.
2. And what unnecessary lardy treats did you eat that you really shouldn't have?
Oh, crap. A whole tube of prawn cocktail Pringles.
3. Right; enough chit-chat …
Is there a God?
Nope. Don't be so silly.
4. Okey-dokey.
Now bearing in mind that Jesus was highly unlikely to have been a white, surfer-dude-type and that he was almost certainly a Middle-Eastern chap with a beard (and as such would have REAL problems with US immigration authorities were he to come back), what would you imagine God to look like if you got to Heaven?
(You are NOT allowed to have "cheery old white guy with a long grey beard" … that clichéd mutant cross between Colonel Sanders and ZZ Top is just a little silly … Use your imagination, for crying out loud).
I've always liked the image in that Crowded House song: "Hey! Don't look now, but there goes God, with His sexy pants and His sausage dog; and He can't stand Beelzebub, 'cos he looks so good in Black …"
But I'd really like God to look like THIS.
5. Hey, it's Martin Scorsese on the phone! He wants to film a biopic of your life, but a Marty movie's gotta have some gratuitous, non-sporting use of a baseball bat. He offers to have one person from your own personal past life murdered in a spectacular fashion on screen.
Who's it gonna be and why?
Ming The Menstrual, for sixteen years of mental and physical abuse without ever once saying sorry.
6. Woohoo! Your wardrobe is actually a time machine.
That's going to make the day interesting.
You can travel back in time to any period in the past and have sex with any historical character. Who would you chose and why?
Much as I'd love to provoke an apoplectic response from our Christian blogpals by going back and finding Mary before God got to her, I think I'll choose Audrey Hepburn.
Because she's yummy.
7. Hokay, so you're now feeling all glowy and a little mischievous. You decide to hop back in the wardrobe, find another historical character and hit 'em in the face with a custard pie.
Who, and why?
Rather than go for the obvious, I think today I'll choose Robert Oppenheimer, at the test of the first atom bomb, just as he says "I am become Death, destroyer of worlds."
SPLAT!
Twat!
8. That was fun! Now you're going back to last week to put something right that you shouldn't have done/said/eaten/screwed/whatever.
What's that going to be? Fess up.
I should have stayed in bed on Friday and saved myself a five hour, fifty minute hell-commute to work and an almost as long journey home.
Sheesh!
9. Shit! You've altered the past and now your wardrobe is just a smegging wardrobe again.
You look inside it and find it contains all the worst clothes you've ever bought. Tonight is fancy dress, so which of your sartorial smeg-ups will you be stepping out in?
Holy frijole! I'll choose my old afghan coat, complete with paisley shirt, flared jeans and sandals (yes, I'm old).
10. Dammit! As ever, there's fuck all on TV. If you were given the chance (and the budget) to create your ideal half-hour programme, what would it be?
It's called "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and stars every "celebrity" on the planet.
They are brutally beaten and tortured for twenty minutes in front of a live audience, then put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
11. Somewhat inevitably, you find yourself on the plane Jesus is using to visit America on his comeback tour. The air marshal looks at him and sees a beardy Palestinian and opens fire, crashing the plane and kinda spoiling things for the folks who've been waiting two-thousand years for Jesus' return.
You swim from the wreckage and find yourself washed up on the meme-writers' favourite: the desert island.
A suitcase from the cargo hold is laying there in the sand. You find it contains (nestled amongst an elderly German tourist's underwear and lederhosen) one book, one bottle of duty-free booze and one item of food. What would you like 'em to be?
For the book, I'll have "The Wit And Wisdom of George W. Bush." That should keep me happy to be on a desert island and well away from "civilisation".
The booze would be Talisker malt and the food, whale sashimi, to upset the squeamish.
12. Another meme standby: It's your desert island; you make the rules.
What are the first three laws you pass?
1 - Denim skirts … punishable by instant death.
2 - No religion … punishable once again by an instant proof that there's no afterlife.
3 - Anybody saying "Hey! Doesn't this remind you of "Lost?" gets fed to the polar bears.
13. Hokay, so now you've read the book, eaten the food and you have a hangover from the booze. Wandering around your new island home you come across a bearded Tom Hanks and a naked Brooke Shields (you really should watch better movies).
What happens next?
I eat one and screw the other. Who gets what would depend on my mood at the time.
14. For some unfathomable reason, a young Meg Ryan turns up and the two of you wind up being hurled back to civilisation from the crater of a volcano (I'm serious; you really MUST watch better movies).
Which country would you ideally like to land in?
Japan, please.
15. Right. You're in your favourite country and you've sold Meg Ryan for a thousand dollars (you got sick of all the faked orgasms). How are you going to spend it?
Unwisely. Probably a night of debauchery in a sashimi bar with the entire membership of Morning Musume.
16. On the flight home, you find yourself sitting next to a big guy in a hoody, carrying a scythe.
You offer him your last chocolate Hobnob and DEATH (for it is he) offers you in return the chance to choose the manner of your own demise.
Being a tricksy bugger he won't allow you to die peacefully in bed, so what's it gonna be?
I want a cartoon death; a piano, a safe or an anvil dropped off a tall building onto my head.
17. While DEATH has been arrested by customs for carrying a scythe and is currently undergoing a body cavity search you notice his pale horse standing in the parking lot. Since you've buggered up your time machine wardrobe you steal DEATH's horse as it can take you to anywhere on Earth at any point in time that someone dies. You realise you can postpone someone's death.
Whose life (other than family) will you save and why (and no, Lynn; you are not allowed to save Princess Di)?
I'd dearly love to save Hitler from shooting himself and let the Russians get hold of him instead. That would be such fun to watch.
18. Your brain kicks in and informs you that DEATH is probably not the best anthropomorphic personification to steal a horse from, so you dash back to the parking lot only to find the Reaper looking pretty Grim.
Being an honest sort of person you tell him you saw someone stealing the horse, chased them and rescued it.
In return, he grants you the predictable meme-standby: a superpower (complete with natty cape, mask and red undies).
Which power do you choose?
I think today I'll chose the power to smite any assailant with a full-on, permanent and irreversible clown makeover; wig, nose, make-up, revolving bow-tie, huge trousers and stupid long shoes. They lose the power of speech and can only communicate with bulb-horns.
19. You could use your superpower for good, but where's the fun in that?
What's the first thing you do with it?
I'm heading for the Houses of Parliament to make Prime Minister's Question Time look and sound like it really should. Woohoo (honk-honk).
20. All of this messing about with time and causality is having some alarming effects. You are suddenly zapped into the TV show "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and you get to choose the first panel of four "celebrities" to be put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
Which celebs deserve to die first?
All of 'em!
But I'll go with Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Ant and Dec (not being a TV watcher, they're about the only "celebs" I can think of. No doubt you'll come up with a better list).
21. As a result of the twisted mess you've made of the space-time continuum, one extinct species of animal suddenly reappears; tens of thousands of the buggers, all in New York.
Which species would you like to let loose?
Ooh! Ooh! Tyrannosaurus Rex, please! Fuuuun !!!!!
22. You realise this meme's gone on way too long and that you have wasted a whole train journey writing crap on your laptop.
Are you really going to post this utter tosh?
Yup.
And if I'm really desperate I'll start doing the same one every Monday with different answers.
18 comments:
Your fascination with things Japanese Dive? Have you ever been to Tokyo? And the Tom Hanks/Brooke Shields response scares me a bit!
I intend going when I've done a couple more years of Japanese at college, Mme.
The Tom Hanks/Brooke Shields movies scared me a bit, so it's the least I could do.
This is brilliant! What are prawn cocktail Pringles?
Audrey Hepburn really was yummy, wasn't she?
Funny, just the other day I was talking to someone about how Jesus would be stopped by the port authority if he were to try to enter the US.
Oh, and I LOVE Lost.
Why thank you, Robyn. I was kind of expecting a punch on the arm for the Jesus thing, but it's definitely something to think about. He could have returned already and be stuck in Guantanamo Bay.
Yikes!
You really don't want to know what prawn cocktail Pringles are. They are disgusting (and I am sure they contain the same addictive ingredient as crack cocaine).
Audrey Hepburn makes me wriggle.
And I lost LOST after the first series. It was just not worth switching the TV on for.
Life's too short.
Well, I'd so hate to let my new friend down by not living up to my name and not mentioning the obvious.
Why do you suppose you spend SO MUCH time thinking and fake meme-ing about a God you "do not" believe in? Hmmmmmm???
Because you are GOD bothered. He is bothering you because he does not want you to get away! He loves his dear rebellious and wickedly clever teenager and even now is recruiting people in the States, and who knows where else, to pray for him.
This God, mind you, is not the one many of the modern Christians are selling who hates those who are different and shuns people who are struggling with _____.
He loves EVERYONE, but not in a cotton candy, lollipops and butterflies kind of way. But in more of a prodigal son way; eyes searching for his beloved to return one day to his arms.
He made man in his image but not identical. He has the figure of a man but is more like glowing metal and fire and so glorious our physical bodies couldn't bear to gaze upon Him.
We can't really help our less than optimal environment that is a result of the earliest willful act of sin. There will be pain and suffering until we make it into the Kingdom of Heaven unfortunately. We were given a Savior who suffered death for us to be released from that dismal fate. We do have to acknowledge this and try to live as Christlike and lovingly as possible but our shortcomings are otherwise covered.
He has EVERYTHING figured out and it is unfolding on his timeline. What was once just prophecy in the book of Daniel and throughout the Bible is coming to pass in great time periods. He mentions a two-horned ram (Meso-Persian Empire), a shaggy goat (Alexander the Great) and 4 horns coming from it that are four famous rulers and so on. Most of the events have occurred and we are in a period now where the Church is referred to as the "Restrainer" holding off Satan's grasp on earth until the time the Lord returns to have mercy on Israel and they become believers.
We are on this earth for only a small blips worth of forever and ever even though it seems long-suffering to us. I like to maximize the good times down here, but I can't begin to understand how good it gets in Heaven without Satan's constant mocking and trickery. Oh, the relief that will be. :)
Of course Dive, what I lack in mental capacities, I try to make up for by asking for wisdom. I think the two can look like the difference between smart and crazy sometimes but if I must look crazy to some then so be it. I'll be too wise to let it worry me. I also believe God requires us to have faith where books and people fall short and that the one book that doesn't is a complete canonized version lacking nothing.
I've merely been assigned to the post of "God-botherer" and I try not to slack on my more important duties in the day. ;)
Plus, I figured you could handle the lengthy comment over a long ride home.
And finally, as life IS so short, why not do less commuting and more enjoying. Just a repetitive thought on another recurring theme in your postings. XX's (two hugs for your trouble)
p.s. kettle corn is sugared popcorn, cooked in a huge caldron at the fair (by Sir Anthony Hopkin's long lost twin.)
I love fresh kettle corn. I forgot to mention that Joe Versus the Volcano is one of my favorite movies.
I so loved this meme. I cannot remember the last time I simply laughed out loud like that. Good thing that Socks is the only one home...
I would chose Audrey Hepburn too. And isn't this odd, Robyn...but I was ALSO just talking to the woman who runs the dry cleaners we go to about how Jesus would never be allowed to get on a plane here in America. Bing is leaving in a few days to present at another Apple Seminar and she SWEARS that she has NEVER been allowed to get on a plane without being singled for the wand. I told her it was her shifty eyes...
Dive, I think you're turning Japanese, I really think so...
Hee hee, Shan; I had a feeling you would have something to say and think you for saying it.
Whatever "Dive" might say in his mischievous and facetious way, you know that I am still waiting for God to poke His head round the door and say "Okay, you can come back in and believe again now" and to spray the room with "Crisis-Of-Faith-Be-Gone". You know that I'm a little obsessed by this, but that it appears to be further away than ever.
I'm so glad you raised the point that God is unconditional love.
Having lost my faith I still try to live by Jesus' teachings as I feel that is the right way to live, but not because of any divinity; simply because it's the best way to get on with people.
And I'm very pleased you distance yourself from the hatemongers, twisting Scripture to suit their own pathetic and cowardly racism, sexism and homophobia; their terrified abhorrence of reality.
Watching what has happened to God's church on Earth He must be shaking his head in bewildered exasperation. His chosen people split into a thousand sects, all of whom claim monopoly of the truth. He must weep as He sees "Christians" sending missionaries to convert other "Christians". Our country is full of evangelising Americans trying to put us back on the narrow path to salvation; provided it is THEIR exclusive narrow path as every other so-called "Christian church" is WRONG!
If He has a plan to re-unite his flock He appears to be taking a very circuitous route.
Jesus teaches compassion. It is that simple.
I've searched the Gospels for the bits where he states "God hates fags" or "I'd really love to see you torture and burn heretics" or "you can only be saved by adhering to the doctrine of one narrow-minded bunch of fundamentalists who quote the Old Testament out of context to suit their own agenda and who seem never to have read as far as the sermon on the mount".
In Sura 2 of the Qur'an, it states "There is no compulsion in religion", a message that fundamentalists and indeed evangelists of all religions seem to have chosen to ignore.
I'm still watching and waiting and trying to figure it out, Shan. I'm glad you're trying to help guide me, but I would ask one thing of you: please don't pray for me.
Let me try to explain why not.
I'll refer you again to Islam; the meaning of which is simply "surrender to God's will."
Islamic prayer is what Christian prayer was before the corruption of the mediæval Popes led to the sale of indulgences; it is simply praise and thanks to God for His Creation.
And nothing else.
It was only with the passing of centuries and the obscene enrichment of the church, that greed and corruption led to demanding money to pray for people's souls and to pay for forgiveness from sin. Only then did "interventionist" prayer came along.
Can you imagine the chaos if God were to answer all of the contradictory prayers offered up to Him?
I cannot believe in praying "for" things; in asking God to intervene on somebody's behalf. Prayer should solely be praise and thanks.
The idea that humans can plead with and influence God is somehow repulsive, leading inevitably as it does to the disgusting phrase "with God on our side" that has caused so much suffering over the centuries.
I'd better stop now as I could rant like this for hours and I really need to make dinner and get to bed.
Thank you again for trying. I really do appreciate it and one day I hope it will bear fruit.
As for commuting, I love my job, which is unfortunately only available in one building in Westminster, but I cannot afford to live closer to London and I really wouldn't want to. I also love the peace and quiet of coming home to the Norfolk Broads so I'll keep on doing it until drop dead running for a train.
Kettle corn sounds nice.
Robyn: you too, eh? I'll have to try it.
I have to confess for a sneaking liking for Joe vs. The Volcano myself, but don't tell anyone.
Maria: Hee hee hee. Now that wonderful Vapors song will be on my mind for the rest of the night. Thanks for that.
And yes, the rise of Christian and Muslim fundamentalism has indeed had that unlooked-for side effect of making Jesus look like a terrorist.
Audrey Hepburn … Mmmmmmmmmmmmm
Ah Dive. Your reply to Shan was thoughtful and thought-provoking. This is the intellectual and questioning part of Dive that we so love (and keep returning to see). A soul such as yours has so much to teach all of us. You are not alone in your crisis of faith. Such crises come with increasing learning. The more we learn, the more unfathomable the world seems to be. Your commitment to life-long learning is inspirational. Hugs to you D.
Yeah for long answers!! I'm with Mme B. about getting you started on all you've studied. ;) As for the not praying for you....I will respect your wishes for now. I have not heard of this new argument for not praying but I for one think it sounds like hooey! I'll be checking on that for sure. Thanks for not being mad at me.
That's priceless--hitting a historical figure with a custard pie. I'd probably pick people just to see how they'd react.
Mme: I shouldn't really interfere as this is Dive's blog, but I seem to keep getting dragged into things.
As for the truth that the more we learn, the more we realise how much more we have to learn: I prefer to phrase it that the more we learn, the more we realise how ignorant we really are, and that in studying and learning we are actually adding to the sum total of ignorance in the world.
I like adding ignorance.
Hugs right back; you are, as ever, too kind.
Shan: I am so glad I didn't upset you; I do tend to rant on a bit.
I didn't mean to argue against praying, just against praying for me; for someone who believes prayer should only be used to praise and to thank God and to accept His will without answering back. To actually pray for intercession seems arrogance on the part of humans.
Hi, Pilgrim. Hey, we had a programme on TV at the weekend about the archæological dig at the Jamestown settlement. There were lots of re-enactors playing scenes between the digs and I looked out for you, but it was difficult to make faces out with all the headscarves and bonnets. Were you there?
Thanks God for Dive - saved me again from jumping off the balcony. HWDB said before I jump I should read your post - it might just delay the inevitable but it may make me feel better!!!!
I would love to sit across from you in the train and watch you write this. I bet you were cacking yourself!!!
Audrey Hepburn has always been my pinup girl. I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's the other day (for the 100th time)and remembered how much I was in love with George - he really was a spunk bucket and I remember being terrible devastated when he died - I think he smoked himself to death!!!!
Prawn Cocktail Pringles - God the mind boggles!!! I guess all the little green bits are the lettuce!!!!
If you jumped off your balcony, Jules, wouldn't you just splash down in that beautiful turquoise sea?
The idea of George Peppard being a "spunk bucket" will keep me giggling all day, although it might put me off my lunch.
Back in a min to comment on this, in the meantime -
I've tagged you for a meme, Dive, at www.ukdailyphoto.blogspot.com - sorry can't do links at the moment. Go on, give it a go!
Well, well. A meme written by Dive. It seems to involve a lot of Japanese girls and the over-riding themes are religion and death. Who knew?
I can't bring back either family OR Diana, Princess of Wales? Phew. I'm stumped at the moment. You know me well.
I'll do this in a while when my own borrowed meme has done the rounds and bored the pants off everyone.
Gosh i've just read the comments. The sp bucket thing had me retching and good heavens, pun intended, there's a lot of God in here today. I'm off.
Japanese girls, Lynn?
I'm sure I've never mentioned them before.
Hee hee.
I've done your meme and will post it tomorrow.
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