Well, that's put a stop to that nonsense.
I got in this morning to find four more messages on my voicemail, including one drunken, late night sob-fest that went on for bloody ages.
IT have now blocked incoming calls from K___i's and Maz's phones and I'll be working from home for the next couple of days so hopefully they'll lose interest.
It's not that I'm a heartless bastard, it's more that I'm a big old softie and I'm scared shitless that I'd give in to the wheedling and the sobbing and the big-eyed pleading (and the young and still perky body) and get sucked in to The Village Of The Damned, never to emerge again.
I mean, K___i's young, and - underneath it all - she's very pretty, and yes, I look like a ticket out of Morlok Hell for her; but to me last Friday night, looking down into her eyes was like staring into a vast, sucking whirlpool leading down, down into the hideous stygian depths of madness and despair.
So that's it.
There will be no K___i and Dive.
For a start, she's dumber than a box of rocks. The conversations would not exactly be scintillating.
I'm a pretentious twat and a snob deluxe; I'm used to coming home from work, sticking on some Stravinsky, cooking something wonderful with nice fresh organic ingredients and settling down to read Virgil or listen to the Opera Quiz on Radio 3.
I'm NOT used to coming home from work to a trashed house full of screaming, hyperactive idiot children and a woman admittedly more attractive but slightly less intelligent than a blancmange, lounging drunk in the midst of the apocalyptic mess in a fucking shell suit or a Burberry hoodie with a lapful of deep-fried lard and "recovered meat product", chain-smoking and dribbling and screaming at the kids and watching fucking crap soaps and fucking crappier game shows and - God help us - imbecile fucking shit-brained "reality" shows on a stupid, twatty fucking television.
K___i also comes packed with unappealing accessories, like the tribe of inbred in-laws with thousands of vegetable kids ready to run riot in my life.
They say that before considering a relationship with a girl you should consider the worst case scenario and look at her mother and think twenty years ahead.
That's the clincher …
Holy fucking crapola. K___i's mum is younger than me but she looks like a bull walrus that's fallen onto Boots' make-up counter and thrashed about a bit. She has the personal habits of a drunken and particularly vicious sloth and she has more children than brain cells.
I'm forty-nine, for crying out loud. I can't spend the rest of my days living with a woman who can't spell "duh" and hiding from her family.
Sorry, K___I, but that's the way it is.
And let's face it; if you weren't stuck in the Morlok Village yourself, a girl as young and pretty as you certainly wouldn't be chasing after a fat, ugly, middle-aged bloke like me.
Hopefully, this will be the last post on this particularly grisly subject.
25 comments:
but, sugar, how do you REALLY feel? ;-) let's hope she gets the message!
xoxoxox
Kinda nauseous.
Well, at first I thought this was all kind of funny, but this second part makes it all sound so sad. Who knows, though. She may have been making these same calls to a different man last week and will find another one next week.
That's no to say you aren't a catch, Dive. Don't get me wrong.
I have no illusions about my attractiveness, Robyn. I got a bad beating from the ugly stick and I can live with that.
If it were not the fact K___i's from the Morlok tribe I would have taken her home with me Friday night, although it's only the fact that she's stuck in that Hellhole that makes me (with my London paypacket and decent house) an attractive proposition.
Life sucks sometimes.
Mmmm, a mother's ever inquisitive mind now has this conversation with itself " mmm, mentioned yesterday he could tell her he was already taken, him-no mention of conformation of such fact, today- him-"I would have taken her home Friday night"-don't take Dive to be a run-around-mmmm... where is the mysterious girlfriend these days?" mmmm... Nosey too huh!
Sounds almost as much fun as living in the Sargasso Sea.
I'd say that theMorlok Hell War Cabinet has held it's first strategy meeting and the game plan has been activated.
The micro-skirted, sparkly-nailed, peroxide-haired, fake-tanned, sprog-popping, stiletto-heeled, boob-tubed predatory womb on legs has temporarily rearranged a few brain cells.
The games afoot, old son. You're it !
Better come down-under for a spell.
Just don't give 'em my phone number.
Christ! I've just read the last three posts! You poor sod, you must've been...well, I was going to say "shitting yourself" but there obviously were a lot more emotions involved here.
I second the overall sentiments within the other comments - to keep well away. I knew parts of Norfolk were prone to the occasional bout of inbred jokes but I never knew it was that bad!
I reckon you've had a lucky escape there, matey. Imagine beeing shacked up with a prepubescent pregnant Morlock and having to sell your guitars for the up-keep of her other kids, not to mention having to sit through those constant re-runs of Rikki Lake...
Ah, Prudence.
Your sharp eyes and inquisitive mind are my undoing.
You're right. I'd never be unfaithful, but regrettably, Old Dive has become unattached.
Hey ho.
As the idea of casual sex (accompanied by its natural companion, chlamydia) has never appealed I am giving the delights of K___i a wide berth.
I've resumed my hunt for a strong, intelligent, independent woman and once again, the strong, intelligent, independent women have fled the country or gone into hiding.
I should have said something earlier, but I was rather hoping no-one would notice.
Monsier B: Hilarious and somewhat scary as that scenario is, I think I'll stick with the coward's route and wait it out. Though I am anticipating a hard slap at the very least the next time I venture into Morlok territory.
A small price to pay for my freedom.
Istvanski: The inbreeding's not so bad up here (except for a few isolated spots like The Village), as most Norfolk Folk prefer the uncomplicated and squealy delights of a prize sow.
They have the added bonus of being smarter than most of the village girls.
Dive, I am sorry to hear that. Love itself can be such a crapfest huh? “Hey ho” my rather ample ass! I don't buy your cavalier attitude one smidge. I’ve got all this covered; “strong, intelligent, independent woman” only problem is I am “Satan's arse … a Republican” as well as an “inflated American”. I might work on the inflated thing for ya but not the other! Hugs babe!
Hee hee. Thank you, Prudence. You're a pal. And indeed a strong, intelligent, independent woman.
And you're right once again; "crapfest" pretty much sums it up.
Oooh dear i do hope this wasn't the 12 year old. How awful the whole thing sounds. It enters my head that you had written over your t-shirt "Escape from village material". What a lucky escape Dive. Thank goodness for phone blocking. I've had to do it myself. Firm and final.
My goodness, i still have images of the Morlocks in my mind. It's more than scary.
Dear christ! What a blog I've stumbled onto! I imagine there are lots of high-speed car chases, shooting locks off of gates in the middle of the night, escaping through broken windows, various and sundry escapades... what will happen next?
Dive - you're obviously The Chosen One - money, brains, education, witty pillow talk and a great big throbbing guitar - you really are irresistible!!!!!
I have clearly not read myself up to speed on the life of Dive! I thought you mentioned you were dating "a Christian" once ( obviously not Scout or the one in the room ;) but then when Prudence said you were taken and you exchanged your love talk, I got concerned that she was reading of your Morlok and getting mad at you. I understand a bit more now but it's still a good mystery read either way. I like the contrasting characters Dive and the real you seem to be. Now, back to my popcorn. :D
I thought you spelled it "doh"? All wit aside, perhaps there's a cry for help from K____i to escape the Morlock kingdom and discover the delights of Stravinsky perhaps with a younger fellow? You should buy her a one-way ticket to St Petersberg or Munich or Zurich or Paris and see if she makes her own way back or gets waylaid (sorry) in Paris, never to return.
Lynn: Not so much a lucky escape as an ongoing love-hate relationship with The Village Of The Damned.
I'll go back because I'm drawn there by my dark side.
You know me; I like nothing better than poking the Grim Reaper with a stick and running away. Living on the verge of catastrophe is kinda fun.
Hello, Julie, and welcome. I don't know what made you lift this particular rock and peer underneath but I'd advise you to don rubber gloves if you go delving into the fœtid and slimy archives. There are things in there than perhaps shouldn't be disturbed.
Jules: Resist! Resist! You know it's madness. Hee hee.
Shan: Well spotted. Dive is indeed a semi-biographical manifestation of my heart of darkness; almost fifty years of bitterness, repression, rejection and twisted emotional wreckage expressing my semi-articulate and sweary rage at the world with a big dollop of very English silliness thrown on top.
Please pass the popcorn; I really fancy some.
Mme: "D'oh!" is my expression of frustration at K___i being unable to spell "Duh".
Yes, there is a cry for help, and that is what scares me most. I'm a sucker for giving succour and I just know she'd be able to talk me into it so I've cut off communication to save myself.
What a bastard, eh?
Now I know why Trisha Goddard lives in Norfolk. There's plenty of local exhibits for her show...
I had no idea who that was until I Googled her (I'm not a telly person).
Sheesh! Do shows like that really exist?
The phrase "shitty death" springs to mind.
Well, I guess it's time I hook you up with my friend in Manila. Believe it or not, she likes men with receding hair line. Hehe.
Sorry to hear about the girlfriend, or should I say ex?
Thank you, Joy; I'm pretty sad about it myself, but these things happen.
Your friend sounds like she has very odd tastes!
I guess I'll add my two cents here. Very nicely put dive and don't ever get married it's very over rated.
hee hee
Weemen! Huh!
AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW DB!
Big hugs and a nice tender sushi-lipped smooch for ya! Hey, had any natto lately? ;)))
I seriously have to feel the "burn" and get it in GEAR here!
Sigh~~~~~
Me
;)
XOXOXOXO
Mmmmmm … Natto!
Hi, Ame.
Where've you BEEN?????????
I always feel kinda lost in those weeks you don't post.
I've always been curious about women who do drunken phone calls. I mean, I have been drunk, yes. But...I can't even IMAGINE calling someone and begging them to date me. How embarrassing.
And I just realized something. I have never, ever asked someone on a date, ever. How wimp ass is THAT?
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