The Comb-over Killer

Well, whaddya know?
Maria has ridden to my rescue once again with a meme.
What a gal!

This one is apparently called: "33 Random Questions (because why should any of this make sense?)"

1) The phone rings. Who are you hoping it is?

The phone doesn't ring because the fucking thing's on mute. If I could get broadband without having to have a phone, believe me I would. I hate the fuckers.

2) When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

Hey, I'm an anal retentive. I make sure they're all in neat rows, slotted into one another.
And like Maria, I always bring my own bags. Nice big hemp ones that last for years.

3) In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?

I'm a listener. To the point of creepiness. When I'm with friends I am gregarious and chatty, but in "a social setting" (what a sickening phrase that is) I'll just listen for a bit, decide that these people are really boring and switch off.

4) If abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?

Yup. I'm a Ray Mears fanatic; plus I would have no compunction about killing and eating anyone or anything I came across.

5) Do you like to ride horses?

They make my hips ache. I like to watch people falling off them.

6) Did you ever go to camp as a kid?

Nope. We don't have that weird thing over here.
Hey! It's the school holidays! Let's abandon our kids in the woods with a bunch of strangers! Yeah, right.
Our pædophiles have to work at it, they don't have parents organising it all for them.

7) What was your favourite board game as a kid?

Chess. It was where I learned to become a weasly, deceitful bastard.

8) If a sexy person was pursuing you but you knew he/she was taken, what would you do?

What's the point of dating someone you know will cheat on you as happily as they cheated on the last person?
I'd act interested, set up a new gmail account, give them the address, let them show just what a worthless piece of shit they are, then send their emails to their partner and watch the fuckers squirm.

9) There wasn't a number nine in the original meme so I'll add one of my own:
What was your favourite toy when you were a kid?

For me it was a lovely little red Alfa Romeo Spider, about two inches long. There's a photo of me taken before I could walk, holding onto it for dear life. Mum and dad must have bought it for me in Malta. Shit I loved that car. It's currently in the collection of cousin Elizabeth and one day I will kill her and reclaim it.
I never bought an Alfa when I grew up as I like cars that don't break down and where all the bits stay on. They still look cool though.

10) Would you date someone with different religious beliefs?

Different to what? I have no religious beliefs. But yes, I'm dating an active Christian. I like a good fight.

11) Are you continuing your education?

That's what life's about: you fuck up; you learn.
Or of course, you fuck up and you DON'T learn, in which case you go into politics.
Other than fucking up, and all the courses I have to do at work, I'm back in college once a week learning Japanese.

12) Do you know how to shoot a gun?

Yup. My mother is and grandfather was a crack rifle shot (grandfather shot for England at Bisley). We're country folk. We shot crap and animals with everything from air rifles, through shotguns to target rifles when we were kids. When dad ran a gunsmith's for a few years I helped clean and mess around with (and fire in the basement range) the stock on Saturdays. I'm a pretty good shot with just about anything, so watch it.
Thank your lucky stars we're not allowed handguns over here any more. I'm a quiet and polite neighbour who keeps myself to myself. Prime nutjob candidate. Look out!

Actually, Weel and I were talking this over a while back and he asked "If you were a serial killer, who would you target?"
I replied:
"I'd go out at night hunting men with comb-overs. As soon as I found one walking all alone … Bang!
One shot; back of the neck.
Mercy killing.
I'd be doing society a favour.
I mean who the fuck are they kidding? Not even themselves.
The papers would call me The Comb-over Killer.
No jury would ever convict me. They'd give me a medal for upholding public decency and æsthetic sensibilities."

So yeah … Let's make that meme question 12A: If you were a serial killer, who would you target?

13) If the house was on fire, what's the first thing you'd grab?

Old Les.

14) How often do you read books?

Seven hours a day, every day.
More, if I can't sleep.

15) Do you think more about the past, present or future?

Now.
The past's fun to think back on but I'm not one to worry about the future. Shit will happen and I'll deal with it when it does.
Then I'll die.
No worries.

16) What is your favourite children's book?

A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking.
It sickens me (as someone who could have been a physicist had there been any decent looking girls in the lab when I was eighteen) that imbecile journalists find it so "difficult".
It would have delighted me as a twelve year old. It's the best and most exciting book for kids I've ever read. It's set out simply, clearly and with no necessity for any knowledge of maths. For fuck's sake a low grade moron could understand and enjoy it. But not - it seems - a journalist.

17) How tall are you?

Six foot, half an inch (I like being just that little bit taller than a boring six footer).

18) Where is your ideal house located?

Sheesh … That's a toughie. Overlooking Green Park in Westminster (at least I could walk to work or throw rocks at the Queen), Venice, Florence, Tokyo, San Francisco … Actually, this is a pretty nice village. I'll live here.

19) Last person you talked to?

The jolly Frenchman I bought a load of stinky cheese off this morning at the market.

20) When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?

What the fuck is Olive Garden? I have no idea.
The last time I was in an olive grove was a few years back in Portugal, watching the guys shake the olives down onto big tarpaulins on the ground.
Ana's dad Jose grew the best olives I've ever eaten. Every farmer has their own "secret" recipe and his involved orange and bergamot and a whole slew of other stuff. Fuck they were fabulous!

21) What are the keys on your key chain for?

Simple answer: if they weren't on there I'd probably lose 'em.
Ask your questions in a less ambiguous way or I'll just be facetious.

Hang on. Let's have a look see …
Spiffy key fob from San Francisco, given to me by the lovely Ame when we laid waste to London.
House: two five-lever locks on the front door; one on the back.
Garage.
Car.
That's it.
The office electronic security widget I hang around my neck as it's a pain to dig out of a pocket when I'm struggling to hold a brolly, a Mac laptop bag, my bookbag, my coffee and my breakfast in the driving rain.

22) What did you do last night?

I went to bed early because I felt like crap. I read myself to sleep.

23) Where is your current pain at the moment?

My chest and ribcage and back ache like hell from all the vomiting and coughing fits. My head is pounding. My nose is red raw. My throat is bleeding. Somebody hug me.

24) Do you like mustard?

This is what I love about memes; the total fucking stupidity of some of the questions.
Splendid!
Yes, thank you for asking, I like mustard. Colman's English mustard (made just upriver from here) on ham and Dijon mustard on steak. Designer mustards are just fucking stupid.
Wasabi rules.
Yes, I know it's Japanese horseradish but I'm an addict so I'll put it in here.

25) Do you like your Mom or Dad?

I love my mum. She's cool and funny. I loved my dad and miss him like hell, though he does tend to come visit my dreams and do weird shit, which is great.

26) How long does it take you in the shower?

How long does WHAT take me in the shower?
My schedule is tight in the mornings. The alarms go off at 4:40AM and I have to be in the car at 5:10 to catch my train. So it's a couple of minutes to wetshave over the basin, then a couple of minutes to shower, bodywash and hairwash. No time for masturbation.

27) What movie do you want to see right now?

Spirited Away (in Japanese with subtitles, the American dubbing makes me puke).
In fact I'll watch it as soon as I've finished up here.
The most delightful animated movie ever made. Disney should watch it then crawl away into a hole in shame.
It's for grown ups, too, so you've got no excuses.

28) Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?

Who on earth would subject an animal to that kind of abusive crap?
Because of my commute I cannot have a cat, so Charlie and Fern from next door own me. I rub and cuddle and stroke and purr with them when they greet me home from work and if anyone tries to put lotion on their fur I'll beat seven shades of shit out of 'em.

29) What did you do for New Years?

I went to bed at eight with a book, read for a bit, then put Radio 3 on quietly and fell asleep.

30) Do you think The Grudge was scary?

The only scary thing about American remakes of Japanese or European or Asian movies is that Americans are so fucking dumb that they can't read subtitles.
Watching a Hollywood remake is like hanging a sign around your neck saying "DUH! I'M FUCKING DUMBER THAN GEORGE BUSH."
Just say no.

31) Do you own a camera phone?

Fuck off! You know my views on phones.

32) What is the last letter of your middle name?

Pick one out of twenty-six and you'll have a one in twenty-six chance of guessing right.
Hey! It's a lot better than the lottery.

33) Who did you vote for on American Idol?

What the fuck?
People who watch that kind of crap can't read or write so how could they possibly be answering a blog meme?
What a shitty ending to what was otherwise quite a fun meme.
Sheesh!

Tags? Bollocks!
You know you want to.