For it is I, Stouffer, the blue rubber cat who guards Dive's dining room.
Dive is stinkingly busy this week and unlike most of the blogworld he carries on some pretence of having a life. So life comes first, work second, then blogging trails in somewhere after ironing and picking his nose.While the dork's away, the cat can play.
Not that I'm a vicious, vindictive überbitch, but while he's off gazing into some woman's eyes and mooning over her like a soppy twat, I've got hold of the sucker's password and have taken over his stupid blog.
Now how the hell do I type that "mad scientist cackling laugh" thing?
So … Let's spill the beans on this tit you call Dive:
- He once had a ponytail and a goatee! … HA!
- Until last year when I burned 'em all, he thought Hawai'ian shirts were "cool".
- He cried at the end of Edward Scissorhands … Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
- He lost his virginity in a car park in Lowestoft.
- With a farmer's daughter … Ah, the age of romance is not dead.
- He likes to be the big "rock star", but he once ended up supporting Freddie and the Dreamers at a fucking holiday camp. HA!
- He irons his boxer shorts.
- He likes lamps. I tell him "You like lamps! Your house is beautifully decorated! It's full of books and paintings! What the hell are you doing mooning after a WOMAN? Face it, you twat, you're gayer than Waylon Smithers!" … Does he listen? Does he fuck!
- He once did a post on his fucking spice rack! What kind of dicksplash posts his fucking spice rack? I despair sometimes. I really do …
- He's got a big box of Lego in his attic. He waits for friends to bring their kids round then gets it out and plays for hours. Totally ignores the fucking kids. What a world class wanker.
- He never posts photos of the back of his head, does he? Ha! Bald patch! Hahahahahaaaaa!
That'll teach him to stick his hand up my arse … Bastard!
Right. I'm off for a saucer of moloko.
26 comments:
You lost me at twat!!!! ;) xo
Why did I SAY that?!?!?!?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How on EARTH could I forget to say DIVEY BOY! ;)
I need chocolate, Lush's "butt crack" Dream Cream, sleep, a maid and a LOT of money! Not sure what order tho...
OH and YOU DB! I miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu and all the PHUN we HAD!!!! WAAAH! =(
Is this the record for most consecutive posts...did I beat Ms. Cheltenham?!?!? ;) HI GF wherever you are!
Dive, when you find a "life" will you share with me?
Where is everyooooooooooooooooooooone?????
I'm OCD today!
And a little goo...NO, a LOT GOOFY!
Rich, you BETTER not stick your head in here and spoil my party by telling me to shut UP!
OK, sweet DB...I'm done now...thanks for the release...aaaaaaaaaaaaaahh...
=)))xo
"Twat", Ame?
I thought we'd already done the Dictionary of Profanity.
… erm … it's yet another euphemism for "ladies' bits" …
And yes, you so beat Lynn's record for consecutive comments. Hee hee. Congratulations. And I miss you too. London is a pretty damned dull place without you there.
I think I like this Stouffer the cat--he certainly behaves like a cat, with his devious and malicious two-faced ways (I do love cats).
But I suspect he's off on the gay theory, given you have a girlfriend. And Lego's are extremely fun.
Hey, cute girl. Wanna come play Lego with me?
Hee hee. Sorry, Robyn.
Hee hee hee hee.
You iron your underpants?! Dive, that's a warning sign. A very big one.
Thank you, cat. You've given us a lot of information.
And I have a life, thank you.
I know you do, Sassy. And a very happy one these days I hope.
And yes. I HATE wrinkly boxers. Ick! I like my bits to be comfy and cosseted. Happiness is a pair of warm, freshly ironed undies.
Very nice to meet you, Stouffer. I do like your gutsy approach to life and I hope to see you here on the blog more often.
You're very cute, too.
Don't encourage him, GG.
He'll only try to mount you.
Whatever floats your Blue-Cat-Owner's boat.
Well. Blue cat, it's great to meet you and to find out all these secrets about our Dive. Top Goss! However, you need to get back snooping. We want girlfriend details, now... get on it!
Hey GF ! Yes you beat Ms. Cheltenham. Great to see you. Been a little bit out of it for the last few days. BF had a few days off (see Dive i have a life too!).
You do indeed, Lynn.
And you posted two photos of boyfriend's butt to prove it!
And if Stouffer doesn't behave himself he's gonna get neutered.
He's currently sitting in the garden sulking. If he's clever enough to hack my blog, the little bugger is clever enough to open his own tins of cat food.
Ungrateful little ratbag!
Yep, spoken like a true cat....... now where's my air rifle.
There are three cats outside my window stalking a squirrel. It's hysterical. Blue Cat should come and join in the fun.
Much as I'd like to, I don't think I can throw him that far, Sassy.
Thank you to Stouffer for the post - and for reminding me about the goatee and pony tail. I'm afraid that I liked them both very much. Maybe next time he could find and post a photo of them. Failing that, maybe I have one....
Freddy and the dreamers? you are the coolest person ever, right enough of this gurlfriend crap no one believed it, Tiffany lamps indeed.
Soppy Twat. I just love it! Thanks for the giggle!
Oh Peahen, yes please. A picture of the goatee and ponytail would be wonderful.
ROBYN! NOOO!
Peahen! Please do not listen to her.
If you post a photo of me with ponytail and goatee I will insert a duck call in your cornet just before your next big concert.
Prudence; I almost wrote sopping twat, which would have been a different thing altogether.
Old K: Freddie Garrity (God rest his wizened little soul). That was not a fun gig.
And like Jimmy Page playing for Val Doonican, we all have our musical skellingtons; my long list of shame includes such luminaries as The Rubettes, Wishbone Ash, The Pretty Things and The Batchelors (who are actually totally cool and astonishingly good musicians). Maybe some more on that another day.
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