Crappy Answers To A Crappy Filler Meme

How fucking boring and worthless must my life be if all I have to do is sit here churning out this crap?
TOTALLY fucking boring and worthless, that's how much.
For what they're worth, here are my answers to that stupid meme … Probably best not to read this if you're about to eat.
And a huge thank you and lots of giggles to the fine folk who had a go at this yesterday. You are truly strange people and that's quality I admire.

1. When you were in the womb, what was the weird food your mother craved?

Nothing weird (at least she's not saying), but my mum ate tomatoes by the bucketful, a habit I must have picked up intravenously because I gleefully ingest industrial quantities of that yummy red squishiness to this day.

2. If you had to kill a fellow blogger, who would it be and why?
And no weaselling out of it. You've got to choose one of us and pull that trigger. C'mon! Have a little fun!

I would happily shoot that splendid chap Istvanski and steal his phenomenal guitar collection.

3. Do you own a pair of "cargo pants"? If so, do you know how fucking stupid you look wearing them?

Hell no! I see those hideous clown-pants on other people and shake my head in disbelief.
What in hairy hell do they think they look like?
Dorks; that's what.
They're almost as bad as those stupid fucking three-quarter length baggy trousers designed to make your legs look deformed, or those jeans with the crotch down at knee level that make you look (and walk) like an elephant has shat in there.
For fuck's sake dress elegantly you morons; the world is ugly enough without you adding to it.

4. There has to be a "who would you shag" question in these stupid things so let's make it personal: Which ONE resident of our little town of Blogville would you sleep with and why?

Sheeit. I wanted to say "All of you", but as it's got to be just one I'll narrow it down to those who live in the most beautiful places so when they throw me out on the street at least I've got something good to look at.
That means it's a toss up between Jules in Rabaul and Prudence in the NH Lakes …
Well; I tossed a coin and it's one of you lucky ladies. I'll not say which, but start barricading the door now.

5. Possibly linked to the above, which present from a prospective suitor would most impress you?
(a) jewellery
(b) flowers
(c) shoes
(d) a book token
(e) an erotically-shaped vegetable
(f) other (please specify)
I ask merely for information … ahem.

Me? A book token, every time! In case you're wondering, my favourite ones are the Waterstones' mock credit-cards with Charlie and Lola on them.

6. Which acting parts were you forced to play on stage back at school?
Be honest; we're looking for embarrassment here. Full stories, please.

Yikes! Non-embarrassing ones included:
Cassius in Shakespeare's Julius Cæsar (that was great fun);
Rosencrantz in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead;
Azdak The Judge in Brecht's The Caucasian Chalk Circle;

More embarrassing were:
One of a pair of star-crossed lovers in a Latin play about a luurve triangle. That was actually quite fun; none of the audience understood Latin and I got to push Tubby Cummings into a lake (a hole in the stage with a bathful of water in it) and snog token class fake-redhead Frances Cant (whatever happened to her? … and yes, Jules, there were lizards present) in front of the whole school and our parents …

I was also forced to impersonate a French schoolboy (don't ask) in the same production as the Latin play; only the timing of the evening's events got cocked up through illness and I had to get out of my toga and into a Froggy schoolboy uniform in the time it took for Lizzie Bruce to read a poem on stage (about two minutes).
The problem was that my Latin master had smeared a greasepaint beard on me for the "lover" part and the bloody stuff didn't come off, so I ended up playing a schoolboy in short trousers whilst sporting a rather splendid beard, much to the demented, shrieking apoplexy of my French mistress (actually, I kinda miss that about school; the opportunity to claim I have a French mistress without lying).

Plus various minor and less embarrassing parts way too boring to mention.

7. Hokay kids, let's talk phobias. What totally fucking freaks you out and leaves you whimpering for you mother?

Americans.
Oh, and daytime TV.

8. Which great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to a physical state and insists there is no point of contact between the extended and the unextended?

Yes, of course it's Henri Bergson, but can you spot the quote? … (and no, it is NOT Cardinal Fang of the Spanish Inquisition as his version of that particular question stopped at "physical state"). I expect only Phil to get this one.

Well, Phil and me and Jules, anyway. It's the question John Cleese asked Mrs. Scum on the quiz show "Spot The Brain Cell" from Monty Python's Live At Drury Lane album; a childhood staple in our house.

9. How many fluffy, rubbery, plastic, wind-up, edible or just plain strange creatures inhabit your personal workspace and what are they?

One pink squishy stress pig, one foot-high rubber Gojira (the proper Toho Studios Gojira, not the crap American Godzilla), one cute, fluffy kangaroo in a bush hat (courtesy of Mme Benaut).

10. Memes are hard work to write. I am SO running out of ideas here … How about: Do you personally find your own genitalia attractive?

Ick! My ball sack has more wrinkles than the entire population of Florida but yes, I have a quite beautiful penis (when it's awake). I also have baby man-boobs and a cute ass if that floats anyone's boat.

11. Here's a topical one as the Olympics have just finished: Naked, greased and sent up to your room: Mark Spitz or Michael Phelps?

I'd have to go for Spitz; that moustache would turn any guy's head.

12. Great on-screen love affairs. Fess up; which one gets you hot/moist/whatever?

Raul Julia and Anjelica Huston as the incendiary Gomez and Morticia Addams.

13. Still on movies, who would you have play you in your bipoic?

Is Jabba the Hutt a real person?
Oh …
Okay then, I'll go for Keira Knightley. We have the same sized boobs.

14. What's your regular coffee shop order?

Medium skinny latte first thing in the morning; double espressos after that.

15. Give it up with two of life's great mysteries.

First up: why, oh why did Christina Ricci have to grow up? I was so in love with Wednesday Addams.
Secondly: Jennifer Aniston. What the fuck happened there?

16. What's the most disgusting thing you've ever eaten? We'll exclude "my own semen" from this for reasons well known to trawlers of my archives.

It's probably got to be my home made wasabi chocolate experiment.

17. Clowns; do they make you:
(a) Laugh,
(b) Sudder,
(c) Horny?

Clowns creep me out. I just wanna slap those fuckers.

18. Who was the last person you told to "Fuck off!"?

I think that phrase might have slipped in to the stream of rather inventive invective I screamed at a moron towing a caravan who had stopped in the middle of the dual carriageway to read a map while I was coming home from the city this morning.

19. An alphabet of "Who's the best" …
(a) Bond?
Connery.
(b) Batman?
Adam West. No Messing.
(c) Monster in Gojira movies (other than the rubbery one himself)?
Mothra. Yay!
(d) Member of Village People?
The cop. He was fucking hilarious.
(e) Member of the Banana Splits?
Why, Snorky of course.
(f) Simpsons supporting cast member?
Edna Crabappel (red hot mama)!
(g) Beatle?
Lennon.
(h) Magnificent Seven character?
Yul Brynner.
(i) Frasier or Niles?
Shit! I model my entire life on both of them but at a pinch I'd go for Niles as he's prissier and I confess to doing that thing with the hankie before I sit down in the coffee shop.
(j) Character in Doonesebury (my primary source for US politics since around 1970)?
Zonker Harris.
(k) Osmond?
Mawie. I love a girl who has cute "R"s.
(l) Disney baddie?
Cruella deVille, dahlings.
(m) Bond Girl?
Akiko Wakabayashi in You Only Live Twice. No contest.
(n) Bond villian?
Jaws, though Sean Bean did a pretty decent job in Goldeneye.
(o) Member of the Partridge Family?
Hoorah for sexy Susan Dey.
(p) Radio DJ?
Verity Sharp from Radio 3's Late Junction. I love her total bored disinterest in her listeners, her interviewees and anyone who isn't a rabid fan of Norwegian jazz and Tibetan throat-singing.
She also has sexy warts.
(q) Non-monotheistic deity?
Zeus was a tricksy bastard and quite fun, but I'll go for Shiva, the Destroyer … all those arms must make her a dab hand at the washing up.
(r) Fictional deity?
I always rather liked Terry Pratchet's "Oh God" Of Hangovers.
(s) Monkee?
Mike Nesmith.
(t) Witch: Samantha off "Bewitched", Hermione Granger or Willow Rosenberg?
Well they're all three cute and sexy but you know me; I'm a Willow Rosenberg man and I always will be.
(u) M.A.S.H. character?
Radar.
(v) Flintstone?
Betty Rubble. Hubba-hubba!
(w) Tom or Ray, off Car Talk?
Both of 'em!
(x) Jackson?
Rev. Jesse (I don't remember seeing him in the Jackson Five but my memory's not what it was so I'll just assume).
(y) Jedi?
Answer you I will, for Yoda it is.
(z) Member of your household?
Stouffer seems to have found a gun from somewhere so I think I'll agree that it's him.

20. An alphabet of "Who's the crappest" …
(a) Bond?
Timothy Dalton.
(b) Batman?
Val Kilmer. Twat.
(c) Monster in Gojira movies?
Megalon. I mean what the fuck?
(d) Member of Village People?
The Native American.
(e) Member of the Banana Splits?
Drooper.
(f) Simpsons supporting cast member?
The salty sea captain.
(g) Beatle?
Does not compute.
(h) Magnificent Seven character?
The annoying kid.
(i) Frasier or Niles?
There is not a trace of crap in either of them.
(j) Character in Doonesebury?
Rick was so lame.
(k) Osmond?
Little Jimmy.
(l) Disney baddie?
Captain Hook … What a non-evil let-down.
(m) Bond Girl?
Jill what's-her-face from that stupid one in Vegas.
(n) Bond villian?
Christopher Walken. What was he thinking?
(o) Member of the Partridge Family?
That shitty little ginger kid. If ever a kid was in need of a good slapping ….
(p) Radio DJ?
Tony Blackburn. Back in the good old days of Stiff Records in the seventies (remember my teeshirt: "If it ain't STIFF it ain't worth a fuck"?), Binky Baker had a hit with an anti-Tony Blackburn song, the first verse of which was simply Tony Blackburn's name sung over and over; each verse after that simply moved the syllables forward by one progressively until we got to the rousing fourth verse where we all sung "Burn Tony Black" at the tops of our voices. Ah, memories.
(q) Non-monotheistic deity?
Venus. Goddess of Love? Pah! She's done fuck all for me.
(r) Fictional deity?
Glorificus from Buffy. Boy, did that goddess suck. What a bitch!
(s) Monkee?
Peter Tork. Come on, people! What was he DOING there?
(t) Witch: Samantha off "Bewitched", Hermione Grainger or Willow Rosenberg?
So tough! I've got the hots for all of 'em but I'll call Samantha the lamest as she was too dumb to ditch Darren.
(u) M.A.S.H. character?
Frank Burns … Duh.
(v) Flintstone?
Barney. What the hell did Betty see in that dumb schmuck? She should have been mine … MINE, I tell you!
(w) Tom or Ray, off Car Talk?
Neither of 'em!
(x) Jackson?
The Plastic Pædophile himself (alleged, of course … ahem).
(y) Jedi?
Lame Luke Skywanker. Probably the crappiest lead character in a movie ever!
(z) Member of your household?
Old Dive, of course. So lame-ass that I can't even think of anything to post except this shitty biscuit of a meme.