Yay! A Maria meme!
Rescued once again from the blah-dom of not being able to think of anything to post.
This one says:
"Google your first name and the words: needs, wants, loves, hates, believes, wishes, sleeps, smells, eats, tastes, and realises."
i.e. "Dive needs" …
Then pick a phrase from the rather disturbing menu Google offers up.
Yay! This could be interesting (or not).
I Googled my first name, rather than Dive.
Googling "Dive needs" would just lead me to ads for scuba shops.
"All your dive needs catered for"
"Yeah, right. I'd like a tropical island with a beautiful and well stocked reef, please."
"Sorry, sir, but it's just what you see on the shelves."
"Rubber goods and oxygen masks? Kinky!
Hokay; rubber goods it is … Gimme a gimp suit* and some flippers."
Right!
Meme time: Let's cherry-pick some doozies from the icky grab-bag of Googledom.
1) Dive needs "a date".
Ha! Actually, this is a really saddo YouTube video about a guy from San Diego who's apparently into unicorns and dragons.
Dream on, kiddo.
Unicorns and dragons?
Listen up: nobody is ever - and I mean EVER - going to date you.
Sometimes I get the feeling that means me, too, but I live in hope. The fact that I'm not into unicorns and dragons at least lifts me off the bottom of the dating list.
Spring is on its way and who knows what that might bring?
Yay!
2) Dive wants "to have a Jewish baby".
What the fuck?
Ew, it's another dating site, this one from "the 310 area code of greater Los Angeles."
What the Holy Hell is going on in California?
C'mon, guys! Get your act together.
3) Dive loves "Christina with pictures and video."
I SO do NOT!
Google, you bloody liar! It seems I am also being linked romantically with "Ann", "cheesecake" and "raisin bran".
I'll take the cheescake.
4) Dive hates "feet".
Holy frijole! The US male is totally fucked-up.
This is from yet ANOTHER lame-o dating site and he's from Seattle, laydees. Just keep your feet covered.
5) Dive believes "getting to know Jesus is fundamental for our faith."
YOUR faith, maybe, but not mine, although I suppose that one is true as far as a part of me goes.
Yay, Jesus!
6) Dive wishes "that he could commute from North Delta on one bus the entire way."
No WAY! Commuting from Norfolk to London each day is pooey enough; commuting from somewhere in Bumfuck, USA would stink like a skunk and onion sandwich.
7) Dive sleeps "up to six people, while 'upper Dive' can sleep up to nine."
Yikes! Maybe when I was young and fit and could remember which end of a girl was which, but those days are long gone.
Sigh …
8) Dive smells "like dog biscuits, according to H of Seattle."
Well fuck you, H!
Don't come sniffing round here any more. It's kinda creepy.
9) Dive eats "a pig fœtus after dissection in biology class."
There are places in Google where even I fear to tread.
10) Dive tastes "like chicken."
For goodness sake, guys! This is from - you guessed it - another US dating site. If you fancy a guy who tastes of chicken, head on over to Glendale, Arizona.
That's one place I'll most certainly be avoiding from now on.
11) Dive realises "that there are certain things he desired but that the Lord refused for him to have knowing of those things."
Yup; that's what it says on the icky evangelical site where the Lord apparently has refused for Dive to have knowing of grammar and the English language in general.
Methinks the Lord's name is being taken in vain here by some dumb schmuck too ignorant to realise that things you desire don't just plop into your lap, you have to get out there and earn 'em, bucko.
And while you're at it, ask the Lord for some English lessons.
So now you know.
I hope that has made your day immeasurably richer, though I have my suspicions that it may not.
Have a go yourselves if you're so totally bored with your life that it really HAS come to this …
Though of course I'm not tagging anyone for I am The Death Of Memes.
TTFN
*Those who don't know what a gimp suit is should watch Pulp Fiction.
Or get out your old PS2s and play GTA San Andreas until you reach the part where you're wandering around Las Vegas in a gimp suit, armed with a three foot, purple rubber dildo you found in the showers at the police station …
You didn't do that bit? Well you play the game how you want and I'll play it how I want.
Sheesh!
16 comments:
Wasn't that a hoot? I only posted a tiny fraction of what I found and I'm still reeling a bit from those. There are some truly twisted souls out there, yes?
And dating is overrated. I hated going on dates and am just glad that I am finished with all that shit. I hate those...beginnings...where you are all well behaved and trying to put your best foot forward. I like it best after you have shown your partner a truly gnarly side of yourself and they still stick around.
Of course, I have many, many gnarly bits....
Maria: you are the meme queen!
Yes, I trawled through pages of appallingly sick stuff and had a great giggle doing this one.
Gnarly bits are good.
Dating may well suck but I'd love to have a go at it one day.
Sigh …
Ugh! That last one gives me agita. I am surrounded by people like that, it seems.
I remember doing something like this a year or two ago but just using Needs.
HA! Don't you feel ever so dateable after seeing what the other "Dive's" are up to? You should. You do eat things that look as bad as pig fetuses but at least you add all sorts of delicious spices and stuff. ;)
I did this real quick with "Shan" and it was much more entertaining than I imagined it would be. "Shan needs a prosthesis to balance" and "Shan needs to lay off the self tanner" were at the top of the list. The first seemed like a deep thought to me (or my future as a diabetic-shiver). The second was pretty funny because I have had some pretty rough run-ins with self tanner.
A friend of mine who's going through a hard time right now filled this out on Facebook and I thought she had come up with the list herself! I was totally concerned for her until I read the fine print.
Robyn: I'm lucky in that I can laugh at people like that; you're kinda stuck with 'em in Small Town USA.
Poor you!
Shan: I'm going to have to look ut some pork fœtus recipes to try.
I LOVE the "Shan needs to lay off the self tanner"; that one just cracked me up. Hee hee.
Though you've got a lovely "English Rose" complexion in your new profile shot so I don't think the self tanner is a problem right now.
You taste like chicken? And hate feet? Poor you.
Damn Google and their lies!
Hmm well it seemed interesting. I'll give it a try, I thought. I've a few mins...
Lynn smells..... like ass. 9 weeks ago.
Thanks Dive :( LOL
Funny.
Ok, I gave a few of them a try:
Katie believes her house is haunted, so she calls in a medium to confirm her suspicions.
Katie wishes there were more to eat than plain boiled potatoes: "I wish they'd go away," she mutters at Sunday dinner.
Katie hates to do anything backwards (She reminds me of my friend who hates swimming).
Shazza had a fun one on her Facebook. Go to Google and type Unfortunately, "your real name"...
See what happens. I was on a roof howling until the dogboy frightened me or something. I also made bras up to an "F" Cup, but someone needed a "G". Have fun with the mental picture!
Hee hee, Lynn. Nine week old ass is not the world's finest fragrance.
Lucio: Some of the things Google found were pretty sick; it was a fun exercise.
Katie: your namesakes are weird!
Cool, Neetzy: I'll go try that now.
I might have a crack at it on the weekend, between essays. Looks like it could be a real hoot.
I recommend it, Lucio, if only for the fact that Google's results make you realise you are one of the only sane people left alive.
It could be worse...you could taste like chicken feet.
T: It IS worse; I taste like chickenshit.
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