I hate it when I'm too busy to blog.
But today is one of those days, so instead of writing reams of guff and annoying the Yanquis I'll ask you a question that's been bugging me for nigh on fifty years:
Please explain women to me.
Use both sides of the paper if necessary.
34 comments:
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus! Did no one ever tell you that already? :p
They did, but I have no idea what it is supposed to mean.
Sugar and spice and ALL THINGS nice - what else can I say????
Have been so busy showing M & Mme B around the place I haven't been able to visit much. Gosh we have been into it - drinking, eating, diving, drinking, climbing volcanoes - I am exhausted!!!!
There must be two of them!!!!
Ah, that's just the basic construction materials, Jules; it still doesn't help me to understand the creatures.
Glad to hear you're having such a boffo time with your cloned Mme and MB.
It's really simple - they speak different languages and operate under two sets of cultures. Therefore, if they ever tried to communicate by learning each other's languages, it's a foregone conclusion that things will be lost in translation and conflicts will arise, hearts will be broken, tears will be shed and perhaps a few china smashed.
Moral of the story, don't even try figuring us out. Just cherish us - coz that's the way it's meant to be. And by cherish, I mean the works! Flowers, odes, serenades, your typical worshipping rituals :D
Now don't ask me what you're supposed to get out of it because I don't have a clue! :p Consider it a privilege for a Martian to be allowed to even breathe the same air as a Venusian. :D
Can't help you there, dive. But I will read the answers from others so I can learn as well.
I tried that, Joy, and it didn't work. Women get creeped out by someone like me presenting them with flowers, let alone serenading them; even just talking to them causes them to wander off and avoid me.
I just don't understand 'em.
Rich: I think the problem is that - ever since humans developed the power of speech - no woman has ever bothered to tell us what they are actually thinking. They assume we are telepaths.
No no! We do tell you things - you just don't understand. Like I said, different languages.
For example: man and woman driving in car. She asks, "Are you hungry?" He says, "No." And he drives on. Now she's annoyed because he didn't pick up on the fact that she's hungry and wanted to stop for a bite somewhere :D
But at least you and I know we are having lunch together coz I asked you!
And what did you mean by "get creeped out by someone like me"? Sigh. You gotta find your 'match', Dive. You can't just go around offering odd women flowers. You gotta sniff them out first, like dogs do! :D If they allow you a sniff, you're in! :D
Different languages indeed, Joy!
Although if a woman passenger in my car asked "Are you hungry?" I am not that dumb that I wouldn't know what she meant.
I have learned that when a woman opens her mouth it is invariably because she is:
(a) After something;
(b) Complaining;
(c) Trying to confuse matters;
(d) Yelling at me; or
(e) Snoring.
(Boy, oh, boy I am gonna get so pounded for that one! Even more so than I did with "Not just normal obesity, but fat like an American")
And I see a problem with the sniffing out scenario. You do know that I'm anosmic.
I'm looking forward to getting my ass kicked all over the restaurant tomorrow lunchtime.
See? All it takes is practice! Spend enough time with us, immerse yourself in our language, and you'll soon be fluent! :D
And you know what I mean by sniffing - it's not just done with your nose, ya know. Kind of like testing the waters. When was the last time you did that?
FYI: I hate snoring. Thank goodness I don't!
Joy, I spend all my working days in an office full of women and am quite fluent enough in their language, which is all about crap TV, shoes, young and attractive men, more shoes, putting down other women, general shopping and diseases.
How exactly does one go about testing the waters? I must have skipped that lesson.
I'd imagine Thom is extremely grateful you don't snore.
Birth.
Menstruation.
Death.
Maybe this Dorothy Parker poem will help:
General Review of the Sex Situation
Woman wants monogamy;
Man delights in novelty.
Love is woman's moon and sun;
Man has other forms of fun.
Woman lives but in her lord;
Count to ten, and man is bored.
With this the gist and sum of it,
What earthy good can come of it?
On second thought, maybe that doesn't help at all!
Betty: You forgot "Nagging" … OW!
Hee hee, Katie. If only women were REALLY like that!
I like Jules answer, but I'll add that women are just like men only with more layers and a greater appreciation for chocolate.
That seems the most accurate description so far, Robyn, but I'm not after descriptions, I'd just like to understand women for once in my life.
I don't really know how to explain us as I confuse myself most of the time. I'd say there are so many different types of women that it would be hard to describe us as a whole.
This goes for men as well.
I think everything about our differences has been said. As a whole, women are probably more relational by nature than men. We might enjoy talking about how the PEOPLE interact with each other at work on a given day, as opposed to discussing some technical problem we solved. The downside to being relational is a tendency to become gossipy or nosy and bad mouthing on our part so that could get ugly.
Men don't tend to be meddlers but can likewise be boring with their "techno type" talk if it is too limiting however, and this kind of communication should be spruced up with perhaps mention of an emotion or two when describing an event or exchange that occurred during their day.heehee
I think women are made to care for people in a service type of way. This makes for our ability to mother our children while tending to the laundry and cooking dinner (old fashioned as it sounds) and hopefully be there for our spouses or sig. others as each busy day comes to an end.
Men have that wonderful provider instinct that gives them a natural ability to make a paycheck responsibly. It also usually allows them to solve problems when presented facts and dilemmas with a non-emotional "get it done" type of attitude.
Men certainly have emotions just as women do but I think they are more black and white sometimes. Woman might need to need to talk over possible feelings or problems they are having and come at them from all angles without necessarily solving or changing them. Men sometimes prefer to solve and move on.
Women like me (and I suspect most) like to know they are safe with and fully adored as well as respected by their spouse. We also like to be able to boss our man around on occasion or even laugh at him without his ego being totally annihilated in the process.
We like to be friends with our men. Not just "the old ball and chain". We like to feel comfortable being unladylike in front of our fellows without being seen suddenly as just "one of the guys".
We like funny or genuine or whatever seems most natural to our particular guy.
We don't always like bravado or showiness but going out of your way to be thoughtful is always appreciated.
We like being talked to naturally without that "hitting on" feeling. And we certainly like it when our man really seems to know us and what we enjoy doing or eating etc.
We are not as scary as we seem. You just have to be choosy and find a genuinely nice one that enjoys some of the same things and has similar values or passions in life.
Oh yes, and don't be toooo gross or talk about sex too much! snicker snicker
That's all I've got and it was hurriedly typed so do forgive! Man/women subjects are some of my faves! Very tricky indeed.
You're not as scary as you seem?
Women?
You're kidding, Shan!
You're scarier than a bed full of spiders!
The more I read, the more I want to stay indoors with the doors locked and the curtains closed.
Brr …
Hee hee.
Well, I know the feeling of being too busy to blog! I have neglected my friends in the blogosphere badly! Regarding women? I was undert he impression that you understand them pretty well! They love guys with guitars.
(Insert evil echoey and slightly screechy laugh here)
You SHOULD be afraid. Jamey has been shaking in his boots for 12 years now. Woman are like one long scaaaary movie-a thrill ride that leaves you unable to get up out of your seat when it's all over.
(Insert evil echoey and slightly screechy laugh here)
Here are some tips Dive,
You must know the language. Here are NINE WORDS WOMEN USE (You Most likely have been misinterpreting them)
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ...... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Hope this helps.
Just love us and obey us.
Trust me. We are right and you are wrong. Always.
Best to get that down pat right from the get go.
Kate: If only that were true!
The only time I ever get pretty women coming up to me after gigs is when they smile and flutter their eyelashes and ask sweetly if I'll give their kids lessons and then point to their young, handsome husband and their brood.
That kinda sucks. The old cliché of the guitar player getting all the girls is one of the world's great lies.
Shan: I like that laugh. And you've just put me off dating for the rest of my life.
Hee hee.
Whew! At last! A dictionary of Woman-Speak.
Neetzy, thank you so much for this. If ever I manage to get a date before I die I will print this out and carry it around with me. Better yet, I'll have it tattooed on my forearm for instant reference.
Wonderful!
Maria: I kinda figured that one out with Ming. I still have the bone fractures to remind me.
That's hilarious, Neetzy! ... and pretty accurate.
DEADLY accurate!
Dive and Lynn,
I have to confess that it is not original. Someone forwarded this to my email last week and I thought it was hilarious. When I read Dive's cry for help, I had to send it!
I'm kinda relieved. It was a little too scary.
Uh sir, can I have another sheet of paper please?
Hee hee, Michael!
The 'scientific' and 'platonic' purpose of women is her ability to reproduce with a man and have babies.
Survival of the species.
This sounds extremely Freudian and Darwinian of me, but it’s true. Too bad I’m a lesbian huh?! hehe
Ew! Babies!
No wonder I've been alone all these decades. So you think what I should really be doing is asking women "Will you have my baby?"
I'll give it a go.
Haha indeed!
However (as noted in a more recent blog of yours), be prepared for a "Hell No" response.
If only it was that easy...
Hee hee hee. If only …
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