I had heard rumour - from Robyn and Katie - that these things existed, but until Amanda returned from a recent trip to the US I had - like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and an edible American cheese - doubted their existence.
"I saw this and thought of you" she said as she handed me a copy of that Holy Grail of tacky kitsch crapola …
The Sky Mall catalogue!Yay!
Ah, me … Be still my beating heart.
The whole office gathered round and we spent a productive half hour laughing our breakfasts out of our noses at the essentials of an American Christmas.
Boy, howdy!
This is the pinnacle; the very height of high camp trash.
In fact you can't get much higher than 39,000 feet above the Bible Belt, which is where Amanda tracked this thing down.
And which is about as close as any sane person wants to get to Middle America.
Here then, for your puerile entertainment is a small selection of Christmas presents you never knew you didn't want.
Celebrate the birth of Jesus the American way … Step with me into a wonderland of cheesy horror …
First (and worst) up: The Thomas Kinkade "Animated Holiday Tree".Please, PLEASE, click on these and read the blurb for each item; it is funnier by far than anything I could write about them.
Until Robyn pointed me in his direction a couple of years back I had never heard of Thomas Kinkade.
What I saw on Google Image Search made me want to tear down my collection of paintings and prints from the seventeenth, eighteenth and nineteenth centuries and to burn my collection of modern art and replace it all with … er …
Actually, I would rather rip my eyes out of their sockets than look at any more of Thomas Kinkade's alleged "art".
This is only one of a dozen such kitsch monstrosities in the catalogue. They left me reeling with nausea.
And there are other "collectible artists" in there, too. Maybe we shall return one day and frighten ourselves some more …
But for now:
Woohoo! An animated k.d. lang!Er …
I love the fact that this has motion sensors in it and will regale passers-by with a "famous Elvis remark".
I always felt there was something missing from my recording studio and now I know that this is not it.
Oh, merciful Heavens!"No tree branches to get in the line of sight as your guests view up to 120 of your prettiest ornaments!"
Holy fuck!
Okay, fess up … Who has one of these?
If your neighbour gets in first this year with a lifesize illuminated Nativity Scene, simply plough 'em into the lawn with this … um … well actually words fail me."It's fourteen feet long! Eat that, Holy Family!"
The American penchant for festive lawn decorations has long bemused me. Over here in Blighty this kind of thing is reserved exclusively for our version of trailer trash, the Chav family.
I can just see these appearing on Essex council estates among the burnt-out cars and abandoned pushchairs.
Ah, now we're talking!Meet "The World's First And Only 100% Dishwasher Safe, Time-Telling Drinkware."
This is truly what the modern Christmas is all about.
Bugger peace on Earth and goodwill to all men; forget celebrating the birth of Christ, let's just get shitfaced, snog workmates and give one another non-presents like this.
Sigh …
Time to point out - as I do every year - that an anagram of "Christmas Day" is "Mad, Scary Shit".
Hey! Trust!The foundation stone of any lasting relationship.
Let's blow it out of the water with this paranoid piece of shit.
Show your loved ones just how much respect you have for them by secretly tracking their movements.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!Click on this one and read it … Oh, PLEASE read it!
Fucking, fuckity fuck.
"Fact!" - Pseudoscience gets madder and sadder every day.
Er …
I truly love this catalogue!"Bring laid-back comfort to your favourite sporting events …"
Holy crap! This would look great in the grandstand at a rugby match.
Be the laughing stock of your friends and anyone else passing by.
String yourself up like a fat, beer-swilling puppet from the back of a truck.
I'll stop today with this …Again, words fail me.
And I've not even touched on the awful things in the catalogue for children and pets!
This is too rich a gold mine of mirth for one post.
We shall return another day to point and laugh at those of little brain who actually buy this shit.
In the meantime, I am placing my orders, so look out!
29 comments:
All right, I know what I want. The truck antlers AND (because I'm greedy) the trailer hitch stand and two chairs.
Dive you should be blessed, you are an angel. Bringing this wonderful stuff to us, what better way to celebrate the spirit of Xmas? I had the time of my life browsing through the catalogue with you (and yes I did read all the fine print, it was too good to miss!!!).
Who needs presents now? I've had mine! Thanks Dive, you're my true Santa. A good laugh is worth a thousand reindeers.
Hee hee! Thank you so much, Nathalie. I am glad you enjoyed it.
The thought of you driving around Avignon casually decapitating pedestrians with your truck antlers and with your mad puppet chairs hanging off the back of your car is too funny!
I absolutely LOVE looking through Sky Mall when I fly. But where's the Harry Potter stuff and pet beds and kitty drinking fountains or the pool floats the size of New Jersey with cup holders, shade umbrellas and built-in radios?
And, OK, I'll confess to having ian ornament tree, but I have misplaced it. It usually holds a pink, glass piggy with a broken tale.
Oh Dive! You absolute rotter!! How could you do the kd / Elvis thing! Shame on you!
kd is no.2 on my worlds most gorgeous women list - of course, my girlfriend is no.1.
QRx
Robyn, it is truly a wonderland of delights!
I've saved the Harry Potter and the kids stuff and the animal horrors for another post.
You have an ornament tree? Yaaaaay!
One hundred kitsch points to you and huge kudos for fessing up to such a thing.
Sorry to hear about your piggy's tail.
Rose, I LOVE kd! Her look around "Ingenue" was pure Jailhouse Rock era Elvis and utterly stunning. That look is cool and sexy, whatever sex you may be/prefer. I'd take either of 'em.
Laughing my head off.
I want those antlers NOW !!! (screaming madly, stomping feet)
Look out, pedestrians of Avignon!
Ah, the Sky Mall catalogue. It's been a while since I've flown anywhere in December, so I've missed the special holiday edition! I think I'll put a photo of the Thomas Kinkade Animated Holiday Tree near the household poisons so that if anyone accidently ingests something bad they can look over at that monstrosity and instantly hurl. I'll admit that my mom has an Ornament Tree. It's very simple (not all that frou-frou crap on it), and it's nice to have on the kitchen table. Actually last year she didn't get a real tree so we just decorated the metal tree. During the rest of the year it hangs on a big hook in the garage near the washing machine, so it's useful for hanging clothes that need to air-dry. Ok, that Intentional Hoody has got to be one of the cheesiest piece of crap clothing I've ever seen. I can just see the cynical copywriter working on how to describe it to completely hook the poor saps who believe they can obtain secret powers of intent by wearing a sweatshirt. But what I want more than anything is the Jumpin Jammerz! If I wear them, will I end up jumping on my bed like that? Weeeeeeee!
I'm with Scout though -- I want the New Jersey-sized pool float with built-in drink holder, as well as the floating drink and chips holder. Of course I'll need a pool too, but hey, a girl can dream! Thank you SO MUCH for featuring this fabulous catalogue -- just what I needed to get into the holiday spirit!
Wow, Katie! You mom has an ornament tree! She'll have to share the kitsch points with Robyn.
And you should see (actually, you probably shouldn't) the patterns those Jumpin' Jammerz come in! I must confess I thought of you when I saw them, freezing your butt off in Chilly San Francisco. They do look nice and snug, but the colours and patterns are vomit-inducingly hideous.
I shall post them another day, together with more horrors from the catalogue.
As for the "Intentional Hoody", I've been wearing my "Nihonjin Kanojo boshuu chuu" (looking for a Japanese girlfriend) teeshirt for ages and it doesn't work for me.
I guess my fellow Yanks dont know there is a recession going on. Who buys crap trash like that? Some Yanks have no taste and many have no shame.
The most distressing part of all this is that there are poor Chinese people working their butts off to ship all this crappy stuff to the US. I strolled around TJMaxx and our own schockmeister store The Christmas Tree Shops (of course, open all year with whatever seasonal stuff they can find) and was appalled with the QUANTITY of imported-made-in-China stuff. I can hardly imagine what the workers are thinking while they're wiring small blinking lights to everything, bending wires for Thomas Kinkade (the most successful self-promoter after Dale Chihuly) and lining up small ceramic camels, sheep, wise men, baby Jesuses, and Frosty the snowmen.
I was thinking of bringing felt reindeer antlers to France next week, so our family there could attach them to their car--the "in" thing this year in our area. Well..... on second thought... Maybe there are ones that light up?
Keep 'em coming, Dive.
I've seen a lot of Rudolph Cars driving by this year. Little antlers and a red nose to put on your car.
http://www.weecanshop.com/PhotoDetails.asp?ShowDESC=N&ProductCode=happy-reindeercar
I threatened M I was going to buy her one and sneak it on her car!
She threatened bodily harm will happen if I even tried.
Now listen, my metal tree is very tasteful; no swirly things, just honest black hooks for bulbs. In fact, I think I'll go get it down right now and decorate it. Maybe I'll even get a real tree this year; haven't had one for a couple years. Need to put Katie's gum wrapper chain on it; it's an heirloom from the 4th grade.
there's absolutely no accounting for taste, sugar! has anyone been on a virgin or ba flight recently? ;) xoxox
Mark: it's not just you guys; we have a thing over here called the "Argos Gift Catalogue" tht legend has it is filled with similar crap. I dare not go into an Argos store to find out.
Lupine Lady, unfortunately that's how capitalism works: find the cheapest labour and exploit it. If only the Chinese had not followed the Russians down the capitalist path in allowing "entrepreneurs" to become instant billionaires exporting cheapo crap to the west by exploiting virtual slave labour.
We are more fortunate; the excesses of our own early capitalism are mostly forgotten in the history of the industrial revolution; Russia and China are suffering them in front of our eyes and are finding that they work no better than communism; indeed that the rural poor (who could at least subsist on their own labour) are rapidly becoming the unsupportable urban poor.
Sheesh! That sounds like book one of Marx's Capital is happening all over again.
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.
Shazza: DO IT! Never mind the bodily harm; a few cuts, bruises and general contusions will be worth it.
HI, Cynthia. Sorry I disparaged your lovely tree. I agree you should get a real one this year, especially as it is so unseasonally cold there. Then you can photograph Katie's infamous gum wrapper chain for us in all its glory.
Savannah: I've never been on a Virgin or a BA flight. I assume on our Brit airlines all you get is a sickbag and a little card that says "If the wings drop off, flap your arms as fast as you can."
xoxox
Good grief. What's Sky Mall I asked myself as I read through. A magazine, some sort of hideous film? No, it's a catalogue then full of awful gifts. Ah. Well we do have some weird and wonderful catalogues here in the UK don't we Dive. What's that one full of gadgets we'll never need? Forget the name.
I haven't had time to click on all, but I think the puke-making mention of the name Thomas Kinkade or Kincade whoever he is, is a fair indication. I've always thought his work is indescribably terrible.
Ah I see from the comments, it's an inflight mag. Right.
I'll take one of everything, please. (BTW, do those Jumpin Jammerz pajamas come with a bed-hurdling sex-rocket?)
Ah, thanks for the reminder, Lynn. The dreaded "Innovations" catalogue!
I shall have to try to get hold of one, as well as an Argos gift catalogue.
I think it's good that these are given away as in flight reading. If the plane's going to crash, just read the mag and realise death isn't so bad after all.
A bed hurdling sex rocket, Lucio? What a fine description! I shall have to post the Jammers page; the people on it are truly scary.
Neetzy, they would go perfectly on a vintage Civic!
The "collectible artist" thing is indeed truly disgusting. As is anything with the word "heirloom" in the title. Ignorant people are so easily conned into parting with their money.
I'm with you on the "Elvis" … The fact that it curls its lip when it sings almost persuaded me. Hee hee.
I think I'd better have the hoody with the positive words written on the inside!
Holy Sheesh, what an eye opener. They clearly don't know that half the world just needs clean drinking water.
One hell of a post old friend. We are getting cynical aren't we?
BTW - I bet there's a beautiful Christmas tree with lovely ornaments at Mum's place, isn't there?
Cynical? Moi? At Christmas, Mme?
Hee hee. Surely not!
And yes, you may well be right; there usually is.
Innovations! That's IT ! Phew, thanks. Beginning to get under my skin that was...:)
That was the sanitised version.
I need Xmas diapers - I've just wet myself laughing!!!
Please Santa please can I have the antlers and the trailer hitch stand (what kinky sex you could have in that whoer!!!) I have been a good girl REALLY!!!
Well or-right I have been very naughty - does that mean I can have em - pretty please!!!
Yup, Lynn. Thanks for reminding me about that weirdo catalogue. I shall try to hunt one down.
Lucio: I dread to think what the uncensored version was.
Ew, Jules! It takes an Aussie to think of these things. Hee hee. Goodness, I'll never be able to look at that photo of the two grinning, beer-swilling men hanging off the back of that truck without thinking what they've just been up to with one another.
OH MY WORD you have highlighted some of the very best of the catalog here Dive! That hoodie is an atonishment!!!! HAHAHA!!!! We were probably both mocking a Skymall at the same exact time at my house (because for some strange reason one of them showed up in our bathroom).
My husband proclaimed that if this is what we've been spending our money on then we DESERVE this recession! My friends and I almost let ourselves get excited about the slanket(blanket with sleeves) though. I think I could put shame aside and order one if it had fingerless gloves attached so that I could still type-BAH!
Some people should NEVER be allowed a checking account!! It's a loaded weapon!!
I'll have to come back and read the next post as I'm headed out the door to pick up a boy who can't handle the stimulus overload Christmas either! I'll be back. :D
Hee hee, Shan! I'll think of you snug and warm in a slanket and you can think of me with my portable air-hockey table.
I was so tempted by that! We have a proper version in the recording studio and I'm always on it; it reminds me of being a little kid again.
I must confess that in amongst all the crap were some genuinely cool items. I might have to do a confessional post and list them.
Have fun with your Christmas OD boys.
This is where I step up to the plate and be brave and admit that I have some ears of corn that I fit over my car's antenna on game days in the Husker nation.
And Bing looked at the cup with the clock and actually said, "Hey, I wouldn't mind one of those, hon."
But, we both want the k.d. lang, I mean Elvis bust. The real one would be preferable.
Hee hee hee! Ah, but ears of corn are cool if they are Husker merchandise, Maria.
You'll have to sneak Bing a Time Mug in with her Christmas presents. That would be so much fun!
Post a Comment