1. And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree from Cæsar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.
2. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria).
3. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
4 And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judæa, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
5. To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
6. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
7. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the Inn.
8. For the innkeeper spake thus: "You should have booked. We're always full at Christmas."
9. And verily the inn was filled with the shouting and giggling of weemen, the shrieking harpies of Old Dive's admin department,
10. Who - since last Friday - did spend much of each working day vexing and troubling Old Dive by hitting the bottle during morning coffee break and not stopping until they did fall on their arses.
11. Yea, verily; they were totally shitfaced by noon.
12. And they did play loudly upon their Christmas CDs and did sing heartily and lustily though sadly not in anything resembling a tune.
13. And having drainéd four bottles of red wine, two of white and two of champagne before lunch (there being but six of them) they did drive Old Dive from his office on Friday.
14. And again yesterday.
15. And this morning they have donnéd their silly hats and festooned their bodies in tinsel for the further testing of the patience of Old Dive.
16. And yea, they are giggly and their faces are shiny from wine and chocolate.
17. And glitter.
18. And yea, they do flirt in a manner that would scare the crap out of Bill Clinton.
19. And Old Dive sayeth: "Job had it fucking easy".
20. And Joseph did look in at the window and did exclaim "Holy crap, Mary! Look how these painted strumpets do celebrate the birth of Jesus."
21. And the Holy Family did load up their ass and did get the hell out of Dodge.
22. And the rest of us did head straight for Hell in a handcart.
33 comments:
Best post of the year.
Simply brilliant
I wish it were, Kate. I'm having to live through the horror.
This place is shrieky girly party Hell, I have a monster headache, a shitload of work to do and it's still only half-past Tuesday.
Shoot me in the head. Please.
look at the bright side, sugar (yes, delicious, there is a bright side) tommorow is wednesday...thursday is THAT day and i'm guesing you can stay home on friday, right? then it's the weekend! (i know, i am in sunshine mode right now.) xoxoxoxoxo!!!
(well done post, sir)
There's a bright side, Savannah?
We boys managed to escape to the pub this lunchtime (not to drink; just for the peace and quiet) but now we're back and the place is reeling with drunken shrieking weemen and ear-splitting Christmas music.
It will take me until New Year to recover.I am so glad you're in sunshine mode!
xoxoxoxoxo!!!
Ha ha! Merry Christmas, oh cantankerous one! Here's a little story back for YOU!
"A Maxine Christmas Story"
(Maxine is a cantankerous old biddy.)
'Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring Since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas And just left them there.)
My dog, Floyd, was nestled All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip The presents to shreds.
And I in my long johns And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt For a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window, "What the (blank) is the matter?"
I tore open the window, Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw The noisemaker a berry.
A bright moon was lighting The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own Set to show.
Floyd was beside me, Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer Hitched up to a sleigh...
And a little old driver So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment That I would be sick.
Like a bat out of...you know, His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted And called them some names--
"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface! Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy And Venison Jerky!
Stay off of my porch! Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road, Hit the road, all!"
But as pedestrians before My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground With great fear in their eyes,
So up to my rooftop The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys And old Fruitcake - Breath too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles Made by each tiny hoof.
As I reached for my slingshot And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas Tumbled and fell.
He had a huge sack of Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd, "Be prepared to attack."
His eyes they were squinting, His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment Like I'd soon be gaggin'.
He was dressed all in red. With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something Had been dead for awhile.
He had a broad face And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him With a handful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him (He looked pretty dorky).
He was like a beached whale Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too, If the dog was a judge.
I spoke not a word But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie, A cry of "You jerk!"
Until laying a finger Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!" Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer, "Get me out of here, Boys!"
And I had to exclaim As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all, And to all a Get Lost!"
But then, as I turned, I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents-- One for Floyd, one for me.
A big bag of jerky Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair Of brand-new bunny slippers.
I looked out the window, And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking From his sleigh in midair...
"Merry Christmas, Maxine!" He cried, full of cheer.
"Same to you, Pal!" I answered, "I'll get you next year!"
Oh, hee hee hee and hee all over again. Thank you so much for that, Katherine. You have made a miserable old git very giggly and have made my unbearable day somewhat more bearable.
Very good point, Old Dive. Fun is fun, but celebrating the birth of Jesus? Hmmm
And Kate's right—best post of the year, which is saying a lot because your posts are always brilliant.
I think with our girls, any excuse to get plastered is excuse enough.
I'm fifty, so at last I am officially old enough to be able to say "I just don't understand the youth of today."
And please don't say it's the best post of the year; I put tremendous effort into some of those posts and this was just a stream of consciousness moan.
Hey ho.
I think I'm going to go home and hide under the duvet until spring.
I laughed myself right out of bed this morning reading this post! Oh the things you have to endure to amuse and delight us Dear Dive! This is probably one time of the year where your 3+ hour train ride with people talking on cellphones seems like a relaxing vacation. And now at least I know what strumpets are -- booze-filled sugary concoctions covered in sprinkles, best enjoyed by reading about them and not having them in the same room. Glad you got away to the pub for some relief today. Hope you're soon on the train and away from the office until the Christmas insanity is over!
Thank you, Katie. I do believe you are right. I cannot wait to be heading home, even in the stinking, crawling cattle-truck of a train that I will be forced to endure.
If only strumpets were as nice as you describe!
Ahhh, Dive. Girls just wanna have fun!
They can do it somewhere else!
And where's the fun? Half of them have had to relocate to the bathrooms or get sent home. Amanda came in at eleven looking like she'd been dead six weeks, still wearing yesterday's clothes having no idea where she had spent the night, drank another bottle of wine, threw up and went home and most of the others aren't much better.
Fun?
The fucking music is blaring and the moaning and occasionally twitching wreckage of women and girls litters the office, covered in snack crumbs and wine stains and worse, taking turns to run to the loo and hurl.
And they've been at it since Friday!
I will be so glad when I can get out of here.
Well, put like that, I have to say I'm with you! I wouldn't want to be there and haven't behaved like that in my entire life. Still, I suppose they're young and...they're not us. :)
Completely unrelated, but I thought you might enjoy this...
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
So, this probably wasn't the same elephant.
I'm going to start calling my youngest sister and her Paris Hiltonesque friends "painted strumpets."
Take heart Dive the 26th of December is right around the corner. We will then be safe for eleven months. Every cloud has a silver lining.
Has Amanda been keeping most of her clothes on?
Sniff. I'm just swelling with pride right now over this post Dive! I don't want to say why because I will get moans and groans no doubt. But oh well....
Guess what? I think that post rolled off of your fingers because you were kind of channeling the Holy Spirit!!! Dive is being used as he was meant and not of his own accord!!!
(pausing for groans)
This gives me hope like you wouldn't believe Mister!! I would so hate for your powers of influence to go to waste.
My interpretation of your Dive self is: I think your belief in God has been too hard for you to swallow because you are so very clever and think by reading about something or just living life that you will be able to make sense of our world (as you have always been able to work things out on your own.)
Good vs. Evil, check. God vs. Satan, ok, yep, got it. Horrible things happening to good people. Wait, what? NO! Absolutely not.
Well, yes, apparently this does happen as our world has been rudely taken over temporarily by the Evil One. It makes little sense to us that we are having to live in this unfriendly place full of lies and trickery. But, alas, here we are....for now.
Our days are numbered and we, individually, are merely drops of oil on tiny cogs that help run the (uh, where was I going with this?)..... in the great machine moving toward the finish line. We each are miniscule, yet must do our part. And it's not going to be easy!
Bad things and people will, and do, happen to bring us down. But we are charged to worship the Lord in the hard times as well as in the easy ones. If handled well, adversity spreads His Glory!! And it can bring a peace that passes all understanding (random Bible quoting sprinkled throughout).
We are all off track on the significance of our celebrations and even the most faithful follower of Jesus gets distracted in his ultimate focus as humans just will. But, we can't always see truth for what it is. Our brains are too small to digest it. Yes even yours. That's where faith is easier for the simple minded such as myself. It requires no rationality.
But, the constant battle for discernment goes on, and the negative works with the positive to cause the desired effect.
I would not care for cake if it was on my plate at every meal. I need contrast to realize what tastes good. We are not tempted by crap, so Satan dresses up his distractions with all kinds of pretty paper so that we don't always smell or see the crap until it's well too late.
Unless we ask for God's help.
He wants to be needed so that we'll continue to bring him Glory. He is a jealous God and not in the ugly way we tend to use the word. He is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. No one will overcome Him. He is mighty and even wildly ferocious to save when necessary and Satan and his world of confused followers will see that he means business in the final days. Hopefully it will not be too late for all humans to choose Him when those days do come.
It's child's play to be saved by grace. It is a whole 'nother ballgame to keep believing when pain and suffering wear us down time and time again. We've got to grab hold of that mustard seed's worth of faith and not go it alone. Call on him for understanding and comfort weary ones. He'll be there and not in a small way.
~This has been an unexpected public service announcement. And now back to making peanut butter bon bons for the gluttonous holiday Christ's Birthday has become.
I'd like to hear more from the Book of Dive. ;)
Yep, feel free to write more of this standard, Dive. I'm feeling like an honorary 50-year-old - my first thoughts were "well if I were paying them, drinking in the office would be a P45 offence!". I need to get some half-moon glasses to look over. Look forward to seeing you soon. Put a lid on it tomorrow and enjoy the peace and quiet of your Norfolk village. I'd like to come and check it out next week (and once again see how little you've done in the garden!) x
Lynn: They are certainly not.
Hi, T!
What a splendid and salutary tale! Hee hee.
He certainly got what he deserved.
And "painted strumpets" is nicely quaint; I don't think your little sister will be too upset about that.
Mark: We are never safe from mad weemen. I'm still very much of the opinion that every cloud is just a cloud.
Hi, Shan!
Hoorah for a Shan Special! I've been hoping for one of these for a while.
Actually, you are not far wide of the mark. My Christian upbringing has left an indelible belief that Christmas should be a time to celebrate Jesus' birth and to give thanks and all the other "festive" crap really upsets me because it distracts from the main event.
Since I lost my faith the rational side of me that has been trying unsuccessfully to find it again cannot believe in the virgin birth or the resurrection but Jesus' teachings and compassion are still a guide and a comfort.
As well as my annual reading of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" in the pre-Christmas week, I love to dip into the Gospels and read those reassuring old passages again, plus (you know how I love those old King James cadences) Thomas a Kempis' wonderful and inspiring "The Imitation of Christ".
So yes, this week in particular I feel almost Christian again but the sight of my young workmates binge-drinking and partying depresses the hell out of me.
As do their expectations of the coming week: getting presents, getting drunk, getting laid, overating and sitting braindead in front of the stupid television.
They'll keep on doing that until New Year and then come back to work and moan about their weight and how sick they've been.
Anyhoo; I'm home now and can sit quietly and listen to Bach's St.Matthew Passion while I visit my blog-neighbours.
Thank you for putting up with my Godbothering rants this year and for all your help and guidance. You know I respect and value your opinions.
I may not be ready to call on God just yet but at least I am happy to read the Gospels and be thankful for Jesus' teachings rather than binge-drink 'til I puke, like me workmates.
Enjoy your peanut butter bon-bons, Shan, and may you, Jamey and the boys have a wonderful Christmas.
Hey, Pea!
It was the bosses who were emptying the conference room wine racks into the kitchens for the staff to party with. They really are as bad as one another.
I'm now home in my quiet little house, listening to Bach and trying to unwind.
I can't wait for your knock on my door! Yay! And as you well suspect, the only thing I've done in the back garden is encouraged Mother Nature to fill it with her fecundity. It is my nature garden and I love it that way.
Happy Christmas (even though you hate it almost as much as me) to you and to your mum and dad and Helly and Gordy and Margy and everybody else (not forgetting the dogs … hee hee).
xox
Yep. I know you don't mind it when I get my Jesus freak on. Baha. I was just reminded in your post of how the world is getting worse but that YOU still respect the original reason we celebrate Christmas at all and you are so much wiser than so many that call themselves Christian. Keep seeking him Dive and have a lovely holiday with the fam!
p.s. I am no guide, but I try to be an encourager. :)
Thank you again, Shan. I am suitably encouraged.
Congratulations Dive, you've won a section of my christmas competition. To claim your prize see my christmas eve post.
Well, not only did I enjoy this from our philosopher Dive but I also enjoyed reading all the comments, especially the long jokes and Shan's "encouragement". Don't forget dear Dive that some of the writing in the bible is in metaphor dear. My faith is always on the edge but I find that when I neglect God; he neglects me.
As for all the partying and puking, I can't understand the young either!
Now, where was I? Oh yes, making trifle and salads for tomorrow, carving the turkey, wrapping last minute gifts ... won't be going to church though.
Woohoo, Kate!
I'll be right over!
Happy Christmas, Mme (and MB). Gosh, all those last minute Christmas dinner preparations. Good luck!
I'm playing catch up. I've been too busy with holiday preparations to respond to anyone's posts.
This one gave me a few chuckles!
I keep the Christmas spirit for the children. Even teenagers get giddy.
Adults seem to manage to ruin all the good things about the holiday.
Honestly Dive, you made me near wet myself.
Hope you had a decent Christmas.
Cheers,
Vic
Hi, Neetzy and hi, Vic.
I'm so glad you got a laugh out of this one. It cost me many days of pain. And there will be many more when the girls get back to work moaning about their weight after the holidays.
Hee hee.
Get there before them and stick a siren entry alarm on the door so every time they walk through it the thing wails. Tell them you've set up a pad under the carpet so that it goes off if anyone overweight steps on it. Conveniently leave a few lunchtime gym leaflets lying around and they won't be in the office to bother you much at all.
Ah, I do admire a sick mind, Vic.
Hee hee.
What an incredibly loose office you have! Mine seems absolutely staight and narrow in comparison...
Sick meets practicality, Dive.
I should be in advertising.
Maria: it is fun sometimes, but other times I long for peace and quiet. My God, those Kiwi girls can shriek.
Vic: Nobody should be in advertising. Eww!
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