Hey nonny nonny; 'tis December already and another year has gone down the shitter.
Joy foolishly reminded me this morning that the festering season is upon us once again with the impending arrival of that most unmentionable of "C" words, the disgusting orgy of greed that is called Christmas.
Norwich was full of misery on Saturday.
I was forced to flee the coffee shop in the face of hordes of Christmas shoppers going about their grisly business, grim-faced and arguing, shouting at the awful shrieking brats trailing in their wake and bitching about one another's relatives.
Joyeaux Noel, season of good will my arse.
Those of you who've been my Blogville neighbours for a couple of years already know to steer clear of me when the Christmas Spirit descends.
I don't do Christmas.
No cards, no presents, no fucking tree, no decorations, no "festive fayre", none of that bollocks.
And definitely no TV!
I get kinda cranky when people mention that stuff.
Ebenezer smegging Scrooge with his horrifying happy ending has a lot to answer for. Had I been him I would have kicked the ectoplasmic crap out of the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, sold off the Cratchit kids for medical experiments and boiled their parents down for candle tallow.
Before I get started on Christmas parties, TV, families, Godawful "food" et al, here's another depressing festive inevitability: the fucking Christmas meme:
Some of this is recycled from last year, but what do you expect? I hate Christmas.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Nothing. No presents either.
2. Real tree or artificial?
None.
3. When do you put up the tree?
Never.
4. When do you take the tree down?
Fucking hell! Can't you read?
5. Do you like eggnog?
Of course I don't like fucking egg nog. It is the suckle of Beelzebub and looks like vomit even before it's sicked back up again by my giggling, imbecile secretaries.
6. Favorite gift received as a child?
A microscope from my parents when I was six. I still have it.
You can look at so many totally gross things with a microscope; all kids should have one.
7. Do you have a nativity scene?
No, but Stouffer has been trying to persuade me to buy some really tacky, light-up religious figurines from the lunatic evangelist websites and some bizarre and inappropriate animals and make some kind of obscene tableau for the front window to scare kids with.
Maybe next year. Probably never. I really can't be bothered.
8. Hardest person to buy for?
Me. Because it's so difficult to surprise myself. Though my habit of getting an idea just before I drop off to sleep and quickly ordering stuff off the internet helps, because I go straight back to bed and forget that I ordered it. The upshot being that postie quite often brings me delightful surprises … and an occasional box of "what the fuck is this crap?"
9. Easiest person to buy for?
Me. Book token.
10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
A (and this is true. I just wish I hadn't trashed it as I don't have a photo to startle you with) bisque, revolving musical Pierrot a foot high. Hi, Sally. What the fuck were you thinking (I use the word "thinking" advisedly)?
11. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Neither.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
Anything that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
I don't.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
No, but I've trashed quite a few.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Reindeer. With a cherry tomato on top for the red nose.
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
No tree. No lights.
17. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Santa just eats all the goodies and drinks the sherry that's left out, then goes upstairs and peers creepily at your wife before interfering with your children.
And he doesn't employ elves; that's just a cover up. All his production these days is done by subcontract child slave labour in China while the Fat Man chills in his Cayman Islands tax haven.
18. Travel for Christmas or stay at home?
Stay in, lock the door, mute the phone, drink 'til it's all over.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
I can eat all of Santa's reindeer.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
What presents?
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
The fact that it happens every year. And that it's a non-stop orgy of greed and misery.
23. What I love most about Christmas?
Other people's inevitable misery and disappointment.
24. Do you hang mistletoe?
Only in effigy. I'm way too ugly to get a kiss at Christmas.
25. Favourite holiday memory as a child?
The fell winter of 1963. The snow was deep enough to bury trains and we had proper snowmen and proper snowballs and proper sledges, not the crap we have now with global warming.
26. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I am Santa Claus.
27. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Nope. That's just greed. Besides, I only get two gifts these days, so it would be kinda stupid.
28. Can you ice skate?
Yes, if you allow for lots of falling over and cursing. Our office goes ice skating every Christmas at Somerset House by the Thames. Mostly this involves watching the girls fall over while getting drunk at the side of the rink.
29. What's the most important thing about the holidays for you?
Not having to set the alarm clocks for 4:40am and commute for seven fucking hours every bloody day. Other than that it's a miserable fucking ordeal.
30. What is your favourite holiday tradition?
Wandering around the city, pointing and laughing at Christmas shoppers as they try desperately not to have a nervous breakdown and kill their children.
31. Which do you prefer; giving or receiving?
Giving makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and smug. Receiving generally involves covering my disappointment with a fake smile and insincere thanks for some piece of tat bought with no thought whatsoever … so "giving".
32. What is your favourite Christmas Song?
Fairytale of New York: The Pogues with the late and lovely Kirsty Mc.Coll.
33. Candy Canes! yuck or yummy?
Yuck!
24 comments:
Coming from the woman famous for setting her christmas tree on fire I say Bravo.
You ain't seen nothing yet. Wait until nearer the time and I'll get really ranty.
Goodness. So you stay in, don't even see your family over Christmas. You receive two gifts but don't buy anyone presents, though you do buy yourself gifts. :0
I get stuff for mum and Phil and cousin Lizard and I'll pop over and see them, but that's it.
Read my lips: Hum. Bug.
The best thing you wrote: "I am Father Christmas" - OK, i'll leave milk and cookies for you near the tree on Xmas eve LOL. If you don't like them, feed them to your reindeers - I'm sure it flavours the meat nicely for when you eat them afterwards.
Now of course I don't do the milk and cookies thing, that's American. You can eat your reindeers with mint sauce, or perhaps in a risotto.
In fact I do hope you come up with a couple of nice recipes for reindeer stews in the coming weeks, with cherry tomatoes as decoration of course. Keep up the good work, we love you.
Sorry I used the term Father Christmas when you mentioned Santa Claus. I was referring to this question:
26. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I am Santa Claus.
Hee hee, Nathalie.
I am Father Christmas, too.
Gosh, what an awful job that must be.
I'll work on the reindeer recipes.
Woohoo!
i'm conflicted..i like the lights and decorations, but holy smegging hell, i hate the greed and shrillness of the season, too. *sigh* xoxoxoxo
(but i do love warm eggnog with a generous shot rum in it)
The only good thing about Christmas is the day AFTER Christmas.
He's a rebel with a cause Robyn. We see right through you Dive. It's all about rebellion for attention and being God bothered into panic attacks. Or is your heart just three sizes too small? I just watched the Grinch last night and it was spot on Dive now that I think about it. Some year I expect you will see past the shopping frenzy and catch a glimpse of the magic that lies beneath. Then you will be the one with a goofy grin on your face carving the organic roast beast and passing it down the table with a side of risotto.
Christmas is definitely a hideous display of greed and self serving these days -no doubt there. I just heard yesterday that a store manager got trampled to death when opening the doors on black Friday. Something tells me it's only about Jesus now if he happens to be the hottest electronic in the sale flyer.
Stay in and stay safe Mr. Grinch!! :~}
Ha haaa I love it, dive. You old scrooge you.
I'm with Scout. Which is why I purposely picked out those bits from your claims. You had to prove they weren't exactly true now were they Dive? In fact, you do pretty much the same as the rest of us. You see family, you buy them gifts. Ta da!
I have nothing at all against Christmas. It, on the other hand, seems hell-bent on making the last week of every year sheer torment for me. I don't know what I've done to deserve being treated so badly. The not-believing-in-God thing, maybe?
I understand completely. At least you don't have black Friday in Britain. Do you believe people standing in line for seven hours to wait for the opening of a store to get their f***ing cut rate big screen tv, I-phone or whatever "in" appliance?
I understand completely. At least you don't have black Friday in Britain. Do you believe people standing in line for seven hours to wait for the opening of a store to get their f***ing cut rate big screen tv, I-phone or whatever "in" appliance?
Wow, I'm so shocked, SHOCKED that you're a Hum Bug about Christmas. You'll have plenty of fodder for your blog over the next month, that's for sure. I know you'd never watch it, but I think you might enjoy the movie "A Christmas Story". Jean Shepherd (of early Mad Magazine fame) wrote it and is the narrator of this classic and irreverent story about a boy in 1940s small town America who wants a BB gun for Christmas. I think you'd identify with the curmudgeonly father who fights with the boiler in the basement and only gets the Christmas spirit when he wins a sexy leg lamp which he immediately puts in the front window to the horror of his wife.
I completely agree with you about both the microscope and the reindeer!
Well .....I should not be on here, but could not resist a peep.......
SOoooooo shall I put the photos up of Dive having a good time at Christmas???? ah no, would hate to spoil the image you all have of him being a miserable old git!!!!!!
You may have to read this quick before he deletes it!!!!
You can't fool us we know what you really do at Christmas.
Santa hat, Santa sack, handing out presents to the under-privileged children,
or maybe carving the ham at the homeless shelter with your reindeer antlers on
or drunk, dribbly and weepy watching Christmas DVDs with the cat??
You're really just a big ol' softy Dive - sorry!!!!
"It is the suckle of Beelzebub"
HA!
Pair it up with some fruitcake and your body will never be the same!
Alifan yes yes and yes!
Alifan, thanks for setting the record straight.
It's all about public image isn't it????
I keep telling you to come visit the prairie. I think you need to go sledding and ice skating with Liv and then come home and drink nice stiff drinks with me while we watch the Huskers play in a bowl game....
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