Aww crap …
IT is back.
Yesterday, while I was so busy I didn't have a moment to reach for a gun, the girls decorated my office.
Bastards!
And, like Doctor Evil only furrier - and considerably more evil - my nemesis has returned.
IT is back.
Yesterday, while I was so busy I didn't have a moment to reach for a gun, the girls decorated my office.
Bastards!
And, like Doctor Evil only furrier - and considerably more evil - my nemesis has returned.
Yes, it's the fucking singing reindeer.Again …
Over the years I've tried abducting the smegger, burning it and throwing it in the Thames, but Genevieve must have a stock of the damned things hidden away somewhere because it has returned, zombie-like to haunt me once again. An undead singing reindeer.
Knowing how much I hate it the girls take great, squealy, giggly pleasure in setting the stupid thing off whenever they pass, running away and leaving me to suffer "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" sung into a tin can by some drunken, elderly American.
The whole damned thing!
Verses of it!
Over and over again.
The accurséd monster has no OFF switch.
Grr …
Any of you strange enough to have hung around here for the past three-and-a-half years will know that I don't do Christmas. No decorations. No tree. No inedible 'festive' non-food. No crap TV. No Christmas parties. No unwise sexual encounters with binge-drinking secretaries. And only the occasional unfortunate hand-knitted sweater.
I am an unreconstituted curmudgeon and therefore an easy target for the unneccessarily festive admin staff (who obviously have no bloody work to do).
I just know that when I die they will bury me with the fucking singing reindeer in my coffin.
Christmas?Bah!
Humbug!
34 comments:
I'd love to see that singing reindeer. I got one at home, too :-)
Xmas Blows, A Poem
Keep your packages, bags, presents and boxes
Stuff your nogs, ornaments, and drunken voices
Do not sing, do not wish
There is nothing merry, jolly, noel, or yule tide
Nothing but bleak slushy snow, and busy shopping,
Very
Busy
Shopping
I hate X-mas, the eve, the day, the gifts and the decore
Please stop telling me
I'm a grumpy bore.
Just go away, with the fake holiday cheer.
Before I get angry,
You'd best get out of here.
This has been an on-the-fly production of why I hate Christmas and finally met a kindred spirit. Cheers Dive!
AUGH!
Joy, you sure know how to scare me. Hee hee.
Todd: Ha! Excellent!
SO nice to find a kindred spirit in the season of greed and hypocrisy.
Hoorah for curmudgeonliness!
HA! I remember that photo with the "piss" crown. hee hee
That nondead singing reindeer would drive me nuts, too, and I love Christmas traditions. I have to applaud the women in the office, though, because if I were one of them, I'd set the thing off and run, too. At least once.
Ah, Robyn; you Festive Folks delight in taunting the curmudgeonly at Christmas.
I think we should band together and start our own little pressure group campaigning for minority rights for curmudgeons.
Cussing, crabby Dive
Our annual tradition
Bah! Humbug! to all
;^D
Yay! A festive haiku from Lulu Haiku herself!
Thank you, Lulu; what better present could a curmudgeon ask for?
Thursday we had a 2-hour meeting with OE to start drafting our department's new mission statement. Two freakin' hours!!
There were some fairly non-corporate ranty haikus running through my mind, but none was adopted as our 2010 mission.
Hee hee, Lulu.
Ranty haikus sound fun.
You must be pretty fun to mess with during the holiday season.
I haven't had a christmas tree in over a decade. The last time I had one was back in college, and it had nothing to do with me, my roommates got it. Then of course, the left for their families, and left me with having to drag the dried out carcass down to the dumpster, shedding dry needles along the way, that of course I had to clean up.
Vanda: it is so refreshing to discover like-minded people hiding in the unnecessarily festive little town of Blogville.
And yes, according to my admin staff I am indeed fun to mess with during the holiday season.
Hey ho.
find the seam, slit it carefully, take the sound box out and then, sew the seam up. it will be hilarious to watch them try and figure out why there's no singing! mission accomplished and y'all get a little chuckle! xoxoxox
(last year miss daisy was in taos, new mexico for the holidays, no such luck this year. *sigh*)
Dive,
The reindeer is hilarious. Yay for the office ladies for trying to get a rise out of you!
I like tacky holiday deorations for some reason. You should see my Big Bob Billy Bass!
Not the most flattering photo of you....
The Jim Beam looks very good, tho. I have lavishly soaked my three fruitcakes with it. It's quite a preservative and makes a fruitcake last a long time.
Cheers!
I hate to admit it, Dive, but the reindeer is cute. The singing would be annoying though.
I love the photo of you, Dive. You do know that Jim Beam is made in Kentucky, don't you? Probably where your reindeer came from as well.
I'm not quite a curmudgeon but I'm definitely looking for something "other" this year. Very, very tired of tinny music and tinny, tacky decorations.
Just to reassure you all he was not always like this!!!!ha ha
The Physics of Saint Nick
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimnye, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking aabout .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 punds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (refer to point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal load, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per SECOND, EACH! In short, hey will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousanths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal* forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, the bastard's dead by now.
Ho Ho Ho and all that shit.
Thought I would try to take your side, dive - I know EXACTLY how you feel!
Or, a different theory.
ClickMe!
Santa's sleigh is a TARDIS.
Yes, Santa is indeed a fabled time-lord. He defends the Earth from goblin-children by giving them presents. If he didn't, they would become twisted, and evil.
Savannah: Excellent advice. Now I just have to get close enough to the little bugger without the girls noticing.
xoxoxox
Neetzy: That's not something I hear every day. I think you should do a post featuring your Bass.
Lupine Lady: Jim Beam is indeed much more photogenic than me. And quite wonderful in fruitcakes! I'm sure your cakes will help make everyone's Christmas a very merry one.
Cali: The singing is virtually non-stop. Grr!
Petrea: I think the reindeer came from China.
I have tried many different alternative Christmases, but I find the thing that works best is to completely ignore it.
Mum: Yes I was!
Todd: Oh, my. That is hilarious.
And extremely enlightening.
The video is great fun, too.
I, however, was always of the opinion that the "good or bad" clause in Claus's contract was the ultimate get-out, and that as no child is ever good all year the Fat Man gets to sit on his fat ass on Christmas Eve and not bother to deliver a single present, knowing that kids' parents would buy them stuff anyway out of guilt.
So I DO believe in Father Christmas, but I have seen through the scam.
Vanda: Repeat after me: Too much TV is not good for me! Too much TV is not good for me … etc.
Er … Except Buffy, that is.
Todd: I stand by my Santa assertion above.
Now I could be persuaded to join the Xmas spirit, if Sarah-Michelle Gellar (aka Buffy - of which I own all seven seasons on DvD) were to dress up in something holiday-inappropriate and knock on my front door.
But, alas, I get a fat-man and a bunch of flying deer crapping on my roof.
Ah, another "kindred spirit" moment, Todd. I, too, have the Big Box Of Buffy (there are quite a few Buffy posts in my archives, just follow the Buffy link).
I'm not sure about a skimpy Santa suit; my favourite Buffy-wear has to be her "yummy sushi pyjamas".
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm …
Im not big on Christmas either Dive. The best day in December is the 26th. OK I like the food but that's about it.
My dad's favorite bourbon was Jim Beam.
HAHAHAHAHA! I remember that ohoto of you, Dive! That means I've been around for awhile.
Glad you are still a curmudgeon.
Er, that is, I remember that photo.
Really, I'm not the one drinking the Bean here.
Someone's been in the nog a little early this season!
Heh heh, TR. No, truly. Many times I simply cannot type.
Mark: I'm with you on the 26th being the best day. No need to cook and every reason to just chill out.
Katherine and Todd: Hee hee!
I too remember that photo but I'll be damned if I've noticed that your hat said Piss before.
Dammit, I want one.
Hi, Vic.
Ah, my lovely Piss Hat!
I got that hat free with a crappy men's mag called "Loaded' about fifteen years ago and I've lovingly preserved it ever since, bringing it out to cheer family Christmas dinners.
That hat would sell like hotcakes in the States.
There's a good franchise opportunity there, Petrea.
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