(a) for Christians: the birth of Jesus, peace on Earth (still a little way to go there, guys) and good will to all men. A time of prayer and thanksgiving.
(b) for Heathens: the winter solstice, when the nights stop drawing in and the days start getting longer again, heralding the return of spring and the renewal of life. A great excuse to eat, drink and be merry. Yay!
(c) for the rest of you: it's Skymall Time! Woohoo!
Those who remember my last trawl through the Skymall Christmas catalogue will know just why I've posted this as a WTF Monday item. They will recall with horror (or perverse delight if they're sick like me) the Thomas Kinkade 'Animated Holiday Tree', the animatronic singing Elvis, the giant inflatable train and the secret healing power of the hoodie.
Well, here goes with this year's festive trawl through the carnival of crapola that is the Skymall Christmas.
Bring on the tacky!
Bring on the kitsch!
Bring on the hideous cornucopia of tasteless tat, that festival of completely useless things you never before realised that you didn't want in your house!
First item on our festive menu is the quite (i.e. 'not very') beautiful:
The Nutcracker Ballet Music Box - $129.99 Enjoy an evening at the Nutcracker Ballet with this enchanting musical display. Music box is a mini theatre which captures the charm and music of the Nutcracker Ballet. Velvet-like (Mmm … Velvet-like) curtain opens and closes between the three scenes, accompanied by nine of the famous musical selections. LED lights highlight twirling dancers and moving props. Stage resets to the beginning whenever the music box is turned on. Turns off automatically after the three scenes have played three times and the nine songs are finished. Crafted of intricately detailed and painted resin. Volume control. UL-listed AC adapter. 8-1/2"W x 10-1/2"D x 11"H."
I love the ballet so obviously this would make an ideal present for me.
Er … Next!
Christmas Stocking Stand - $24.99Show off up to 8 festive stockings on our Christmas Stocking Stand. Perfect if you don't have a mantel, or you have heirloom stockings (What the fuck are 'heirloom stockings?') to display. Star-topped black metal stand has scrolled base; easy assembly. 14"Dia. base; 43"H.
Words fail me.
What else has Skymall's Santa got hidden in his sack?
Why, it's 'A Christmas Tradition' that … er … actually isn't a Christmas tradition at all, outside of some tacky marketing department:
The Elf of the Shelf - $29.99Inspired by one family's tradition (or a desperate, drunken marketing department meeting), let it become a tradition in yours. Perch this little elf around your home during the weeks before Christmas. As the story goes, he magically returns to the North Pole every night to report to the Big Guy; by morning, he's in a new place to offer a daily hide-and-seek ritual for kids and adults alike. 8"H elf comes with a 28-page hardcover illustrated book that explains the story to children (and adults!). Durable storage box included.
Hmm … Maybe; maybe not.
I wonder what a hundred and fifty dollars will get me these days …
Holiday Carousel - $149.99Step back in time, with this wonderful Tabletop Decoration that delights you as you listen to Christmas Carols and timeless classics. Bright, long-lasting LED bulbs decorate these elaborate family-time scenes, bringing back vivid memories of seasons long ago. As you watch the action, you can listen to Christmas carols and all-time classic tunes that play automatically. Includes volume control, on/off. UL listed adapter.
Holiday Around The Carousel. Classic fair attractions has four LEDs beneath the velvety (isn't that some kind of faux-cheese?) canopy illuminating the area. Horses and riders go round and round and up and down. Plays 15 Christmas carols and 15 all-time classic tunes. Includes separate half-promenade. 15 3/4" in dia. 11" tall.
I would dearly love to meet the family that sits around the table at Christmas watching and listening to the Holiday Carousel. They sound like my kind of people. Oh, what scintillating conversation we could have.
Yikes! Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a scary foray into the hideous world of 'The Painter Of Light™' Thomas Kinkade.
Thomas Kinkade Talking House - $134.99The Thomas Kinkade The Night Before Christmas Talking House. Each window of this small, meticulously handpainted house lights up in sequence as Painter of Light Thomas Kinkade recites 'Twas the Night Before Christmas in a clear voice recording. The hand-numbered Victorian-style house (hey, I'm an Architect and this is not remotely like any Victorian-style house I've ever seen, even in nightmares) is draped in snow and brilliant lights. The windows show holiday scenes with the audio recording synchronized with the room lights. Includes a hand-numbered certificate of authenticity and AC adapter. Crafted from resin. 14" H x 13" W x 6" D. (13 lbs.)
A hand-numbered certificate of authenticity, no less! It may be garish and worthless crap, but it's AUTHENTIC garish and worthless crap. You have a hand-numbered certificate to prove it!
And while we're on the subject of 'heirloom' gifts, 'meticulously handpainted by artisans who painstakingly brush rich details by freehand' …
Musical Rocking Santa - $149.95The Musical Rocking Santa. This handpainted musical St. Nick rocks backs-and-forth in a rocking chair while playing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
Only 300 of these musical Santas will be produced, (I think that's probably just as well, but still around 300 too many) each one meticulously handpainted by artisans who painstakingly brush rich details by freehand, (Yay!) including the rocking chair's wood grain, Santa's rosy cheeks and thick white beard, and the foamy swirls of the hot chocolate he is holding (not a good idea on a rocking chair, Santa; you'll end up in the burns unit). An internal clockwork mechanism like those used in Old World European toys (er … what?) prods Santa to gently sway forwards and backwards while the music plays. The music box employs key-wound musical movement with steel tines that pluck the steel combs 18 teeth, producing classic music box tones. Molded resin. 6" H x 5" W x 4" D. (1 1/3 lbs.)
Here's a gift that's perfect for old folk like me, who hate Christmas TV schedules with teeth-grinding intensity.
Why settle for real crap TV when you can have FAKE crap TV?
Animated Musical TV Diorama - $149.95The Animated Musical Television Diorama. This animated holiday musicale is faithful to the outward details of a television from a bygone era. Complete with a dipole antenna, rotary dials, integrated legs, and other details that distinguished televisions of the 1950s, the animated musical television plays classic holiday songs like Silent Night, Jingle Bells, O' Christmas Tree, and more. A three-dimensional, handpainted winter tableau inside the television depicts a village set among snowcapped mountains and evergreen trees. Richly detailed log cabin homes have illuminated windows and lampposts, and a scene of holiday revelers includes carolers, snow skiers, and ice skaters that "skate" around a Christmas tree. The volume adjusts with the turn of a dial. Requires three AAA batteries. 8" H x 10" L x 6" D. (5-1/4 lbs.)
Be still, my beating heart.
Here's a Colonial tradition that has yet to take hold over here on the curmudgeonly side of the pond: 'yard art' … er …
We'll start with one that would suit my own Scroogey tendencies:
Freeze & Heat Miser Yard Art - $69.99Though this metal yard art doesn't feature your usual Santa, snowman or reindeer, these colorful figures are sure to bring back memories! (er … memories of what? Drunken nightmares? Bad trips?) The hammered-steel Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art displays represent two key characters from the classic 1974 animated movie. Each "miser" metal yard art comes with a stake-in floodlight holder and halogen floodlight bulb to illuminate him at night. When ordering Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art, please specify: Heat Miser or Snow Miser.
Benefits of the Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art:
* Sturdy metal yard art can be used for many years
* Metal yard art includes spotlight for nighttime illumination
* Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art folds for easy storage
If that doesn't float your boat, how about terrifying passers-by with an animated moose?
Christmas Moose Yard Art - $119.99Add a delightful woodsy touch to your holiday landscape with the Christmas Moose Animated Yard Art. Slowing moving his head side to side, this large moose sculpture is all decked out for the holidays with sparkling lights and a ribbon-trimmed wreath around his neck. Equally impressive both day and night, the Christmas Moose Animated Yard Art is wrapped in brown acrylic strands to intensify the brightness of the 250 clear mini-lights within. The lighted moose sculpture has a powder-coated metal frame, and measures 4-feet long and over 3-feet tall.
I'm almost tempted, but for those who want the true spirit of Christmas (Christmas with 'Christ' in it), how about the very reasonably priced and actually quite pretty:
Holy Family Yard Art - $29.97Like windowpanes of stained glass, this holiday yard art glows with jewel-like colors when lit from behind by 50 clear mini-lights. This striking outdoor Christmas decor has a PVC surface that glistens for daytime elegance as well. Yard art panel is 19-1/4"W x 2"D x 36"H with 30" cord; metal stands and end-to-end connectors make set-up easy.
Benefits of the Stained Glass Yard Art:
* This inspirational holiday yard art has the look of stained glass
* Glitter-gel outdoor Christmas decor is durable and weather-resistant.
Plus, of course, your Mary, Joseph and Jesus are conveniently and unfeasibly white (with lovely high-lighted hair), so there's no danger of your yard art being snatched by the military and flown via Diego Garcia to an exotic destination for a water-boarding, electric shock and sexual humiliation interrogation vacation, unlike any of your neighbours' yard art that might feature a Holy Family with Middle-Eastern features.
And for those of us who love a bit of stuffing with our Christmas dinner:
Stuffable Christmas Characters - $19.99Almost (almost?) -life-size Winter characters will bring a smile to anyone's face! Stuff him with newspapers (for indoor use), or plastic grocery bags (for outdoor use) and set him up in any position...on your front doorstep or in your easy chair! "Unstuff' to store flat. 100% nylon taffeta (parachute material). Comes with all "clothing" and accessories shown. 6" stuffing opening has hook-and-loop closure. About 5' tall stuffed. Imported.
For anyone with a penchant for the inflatable, here's something that would be exceedingly unwise to own in a nation with no gun control:
Singing Santa Inflatable Decor - $99.99Motion-activated 5' inflatable Santa sings and dances up a storm to "Let it Snow" as the lighted 50's-style Crosley jukebox plays.
Even his mouth moves! (Woohoo!) This delightful inflatable decoration is made of durable PVC fabric and inflates in seconds; includes fan, ground stakes, and 6-1/2" cord. The inflatable Santa will start to move and sing when his built-in sensor is triggered by movement from up to 3 feet away.
Benefits of the Singing Santa with Jukebox Inflatable Decoration:
* Inflatable Santa dances and waves while singing along to the music
* Lighted inflatable Christmas decoration is easy to use -- just plug it in
* Use this colorful inflatable decoration outdoors or in; action and music are triggered when motion is detected.
At last! Something in the Skymall Christmas range that I might buy myself (were I to relocate to the US where such things are acceptable to society):
Peanuts Nativity Set - $279.99Our large Peanuts Nativity Set recreates the classic Christmas pageant scene from "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Impressively-sized display (stable is 42-1/2"H) makes an enchanting way to express the spirit of Christmas. The 7-piece set is crafted of brightly-colored hammered metal, and each figure has an easel back for easy setup indoors or out. Includes 2 UL-listed floodlight sets (holder/bulb) for nighttime viewing, plus ground stakes. Figures range from 15"H to 28-3/4"H.
A Christmas without Skymall would be a very dull affair indeed.
I'm off to polish my Thomas Kinkade 'Animated Holiday Tree'.
Toodle Pip!
23 comments:
I didn't think anything could be more weird or horrible than ThomasKinkadePainterofLight, and you've got a whole catalogue full of stuff that is both weirder and horrible-er! Congratulations, Dive. You actually shocked me, not with the crap but with the prices!
First of all, I got with b: Complete darkness at half past five is something I find hard to live with.
Secondly, what in the name of Heaven and Earth is Skymall????!! I've never heard of it, but the pictures scared the bejeesus out of me.
Mad auntie Jan told me there was a problem on the trains, not unusual for a Monday, hope you are at work and not sitting in a train somewhere.....
Iforgot to give you your birthday money, whoops!!!
Petrea: Yes, the prices shocked me, too! Especially when the poor Chinese sweatshop workers who "lovingly hand paint" all this crap get paid only a few cents for each one.
Somebody's getting rich by exploiting cheap labour at one end and gullibility at the other.
Vanda: Half five? You lucky girl! This time of year it gets light around half-eight in the morning here and dark again at half-three. I'm on the same latitude as Hudson's Bay in Canada.
Skymall is what airlines in the US give people to read when they fly over the fly-over states.
If you think THIS stuff is bad you should click the link and check out last year's. Holy moly!
Mum: I'm just home. We got held up for an hour and a half at Colchester (ick) and then told there'd be no trains through to London so they shunted us all the way back home again.
A complete waste of five and a half hours of my day. I'm now starting work at home (and having my desperately needed first coffee) six and a half hours after getting up to leave for work.
Mondays! Ha!
Hope you have a better commute tomorrow Dive. Maybe you should pack a flask of Jim Beam for days like this. If I saw the Peanuts Nativity Scene in my neighborhood I just might go after it with an AK-47.
I'd definitely buy the Elf on a Shelf and the TV Diorama,as I like the vintage feel of both of those. I look forward to flipping through SkyMall next week!
Hey, Dive, that's the Christmas spirit!! Has a year passed already?? Time flies except when you're on the train.
I like that Peanuts Nativity Set, but WAIT!---$279.99???? Are they serious?
I have lights on my outdoor tree, but that's about it.
I'm laughing that my word verification is "choike"--almost what I'm doing.
Inflatables and Thomas Kincaide! Eww Gawd!
The white trashy types who love inflatable lawn art are scaring me. In the morning they leave a deflated graveyard of primary colored shit all over the yard.
Don't get me started on Kincaide and his right wing excuse for "fucking family values" art.
I would never buy anything from Sky Mall, the biggest rip-off in the clouds.
I hate inflatables (though some of those village-like things appeal to me). And that moose is a riot!
We had a sitting elf in the 1970's. It wound up in the back and moved its head around while making creepy mechanical noises. The elf was one of my first Christmas memories, and ah, I remember it fondly... I think my older brother has it now which is utterly unfair. I bet he doesn't have the same neurotic attachment to it that I have.
Unfortunately, inflatables are very popular in Boise (altho it is interesting to see how many of them are lying in deflated puddles, needing "first aid" after a busy weekend). What is this Freeze and Heat Miser Yard Art?? And made of hammered steel, no less?? Shades of Charles Dickens ghosts!
Hi, Mark!
I actually made it in to the office today (whoop-di-doo)!
I wonder what the NRA stance is on yard art. Is December the yard art shooting season?
Katie: I must confess I'd buy the vintage 1950's TV if it played vintage 1950's TV programmes. So much better than the crap we have to endure these days. I've got a Jones for some Lucy and Desi right now.
Ooooh! While you're on your holiday travels I'd be ludicrously grateful if you would purloin a spare Skymall and send it my way. I need some fresh bathroom reading material.
Lupine Lady: Tempus does indeed fugit, and ever faster with our advancing years.
$279 (plus postage for half a ton of metal sculptures) does seem rather steep, even for Peanuts. I'll pass on that one this year.
Neetzy: The image of a deflated graveyard of primary coloured shit will stay with me for a long and giggly time. Thank you for that.
I know nothing about Kincade except what I've seen in Skymall but it doesn't surprise me that he's a right-winger; he has all the taste and sophistication of Limbaugh.
Katherine: It may be a rip-off but it makes me laugh out loud.
I think you should stage a raid on your older brother's Christmas decoration box and liberate the Elf. It would obviously have a much more loving home with you.
Ms.M: I have no idea what the Miser yard art is all about. It claims to be characters from a "Classic" animated movie but it's not one that I've ever seen.
I do like the idea that inflatable yard art is also deflatable yard art.
Woodstock as the Baby Jesus—hee hee hee hee.
I think I might have heirloom stockings. My mother-in-law made a set for us several years ago—each one is different, and they hang from the mantel.
Robyn: Things made personally by mothers (and mothers-in-law) and passed down through the family are genuine heirlooms, like yours. Yay for them!
It's the dreadful tat that people are conned into buying with the lying promise that the crap will become valuable that really gets my goat. Yet another tax on the poor and ignorant. Hey ho.
Woodstock is my baby Jesus. In the name of the Charlie, the Snoopy, and the Holy Woodstock, Amen.
Amen indeed, Todd.
Dang Dang Dang!!! My comment got rudely eaten! I don't remember what I said exactly so here is the sum:
Inflatables just don't manage to look like anything other than a cheap advertisement.
My mom would just as soon use Thomas K. as a curse word for artists. He cheapens the art!! I will not claim to know him at a right winger's convention. ;)
I LOVE the heatmiser and Mr. Snow. "He's Mister hundred and one! He's Mister 10 below! Yes I would put THEM in my yard!
With Alifans b-day money you'll be able to pick your favorite and hopefully get it by Christmas!!
Teehee.
Hi, Shan!
Hee hee. Poor old Thomas Kinkade doesn't seem to have many fans in Blogville.
Unfortunately, mum's money has already been spent (a book, rather predictably) so I'll have to forgo my Peanuts yard art for another year.
Sigh …
Oh dear it really doesn't get any better does it? lol
Hi Dive -great to touch base again and get a good laugh. Hope you have a real grouchy Xmas and all the best for 2010 - God where did the year go???
Lynn: They make "Innovations" look tasteful.
Jules! YAY! So good to hear from you again. Miss you like crazy.
Happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year to you and the family (and Benson, of course).
xx
lol yep
Benson is well but the rabbit and the bird died this year.....and no Benson had nothing to do with either!!!
Lynn: Hee hee.
Jules: Whew! I'm glad Benson's okay. Sorry to hear about the others though.
Mostly, however, it's just good to see you again. Are you going to blog again one of these years?
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