Naked Starfish Buttocks

Oh me, oh my.

Just pop on over to Cakey's site and check this out!

Many apologies to Han for nicking this, but I think we've got us a new game to play, girls and boys.

It's a website for "concerned parents" that strips film reviews down to simply ratings for sex, nudity, violence, gore and profanity.
This is even better than Joe Bob Briggs with his "Tit counts" and "Heads will roll".

I'll start you off with an easy one:
Guess The Film.

SEX/NUDITY 9 - There's hardly any nudity, but there are several very explicit discussions of sex, and, most importantly, a man is shown being raped by another man. A couple kiss while in bed, and oral sex is referred to and implied. A man is shown nude from the side (we see his derriere from the side and a hint of pubic hair).

VIOLENCE/GORE 10 - Several people are shot, some repeatedly, some at close range (heads, arms and groins are the main targets). Most deaths are accompanied by a lot of blood and gore. One man is slashed and stabbed with a samurai sword, but the most graphic incident takes place when a man is shot in the head, while sitting in a car. We see an explosion of blood and the car, as well as the passengers are shown covered with bloody brain matter. The resulting bloody mess actually becomes a story subplot, as the killers try to clean the car. The result is that the camera lingers on the gory details for a very long time. A woman overdoses on heroin and she is seen with a very bloody nose and foaming from the mouth. A man slams a very large needle into her chest, and she's shown sitting up with the needle sticking out. A man is raped, and we both see him and hear screaming. A few punches. A man injects himself in the arm with a syringe filled with heroin; we see the long needle pierce his skin and watch as his blood rises up and swirls around in the syringe (the camera focuses on the syringe for a while).

Or how about this one?

SEX/NUDITY 7 - A brief glimpse of several men's private parts: we see testicles, testicles and penises, and anuses; while we see patches of flesh, nothing is discernible in its entirety. Men are bare-chested in many scenes, and one man appears in a thong several times exposing his buttocks (we linger on the man's private parts in a couple of scenes). A man tears off his pants and jacket and dances around in a thong and bow tie in a few scenes. A man's pants tear and we see his bare buttocks a couple of times. Two female blow up dolls (one with very large breasts) are used as props in a stunt (nothing sexual is involved). Two men run through streets wearing just sumo belts. A man tears another man's diaper off (we see his bare buttocks). A man gets out of a hot tub in his underwear, which become transparent and we see his buttocks. Two men pretend to be masturbating with sea cucumbers and the cucumbers spray out a white liquid. Two men rub against a whale suggestively. A man is dressed in a penis-shaped suit.

VIOLENCE/GORE 7 - A couple of men punch each other in the head, neck and chest as they roll down a street in a huge shopping cart, while being pummeled by dust and debris from explosions on both sides of them. They end up crashing and get tossed into a street-vendor's cart. Cars crash into each other repeatedly, one is sandwiched between four other cars and eventually one ends up driving over another one and it catches on fire. A man rides a skateboard down a bowling alley and into the pins, then he does it again and other people roll bowling balls after him -- he gets hit by a few. Bare-chested men sit in a room attaching a electrical muscle stimulator to various body parts: cheeks, chest, testicles (we get a glimpse), anus (we get a glimpse of testicles and penis); they scream in pain each time the machine is turned on. Golf carts are driven into animal figurines breaking them, some carts crash into hills and turn over, some crash into each other, one flips over and a man is trapped underneath. A man tries to break a block of wood with his head (we hear the thud). A baby alligator bites a man's nipple and we see the teeth marks after he is removed. A man in a jock strap walks across a rope over a pool full of alligators, a raw chicken hanging from the strap, alligators snap, he falls into the pool, an alligator grabs the chicken, and the man runs out of pool and is nearly grabbed by another alligator. Fireworks are set off in the bedroom of a man and woman who are sound asleep, then they go off in a man's car. Men race and crash wheelchair carts through streets in a few scenes, and one time a man rides into an intersection and pretends to fall asleep. A man confronts a man who is shoplifting from his store and shoves him out the door. A man sits on a toilet in a store display and defecates (we hear him grunting and we see the result). A man flatulates and has a bowel movement in his pants: we see the dirtied underwear and watch a man vomit after witnessing it. A running gag has a man sneaking up behind other men and shaving patches off their hair. A man in his underwear crawls through a room-full of mousetraps and they snapped all over his body (we see welts and hear him yelling). A man jumps off a tree limb in a pair of underwear attached to a bungee cord: on one occasion, the underwear tears, and on another, the man dangles upside down (the underwear is stained with blood and feces). A man is shot in the stomach with a projectile beanbag, he is hit, falls down moaning and we see a welt and bruise later. A man gets under a large traffic cone and walks through busy streets somewhere in Japan; he stops at the down escalator in a crowded subway terminal backing up the line of people coming down. A man and a woman box: she hits him several times in the face and we see his bloody mouth. A man pole vaults onto palm trees, onto a table full of food, into a drainage ditch (we see a dead cat floating in the water), onto a volleyball net and off a pier into water below. A man is hit hard by a shopping cart. Several men dressed in panda bear suits do stunts: they tackle each other, pile on each other, and knock into things. A man tries to run on rocket skates, but he falls repeatedly. Men on roller-skates are thrown around in the back of a truck, as it drives around a parking lot. A man snorts wasabi through a straw and vomits almost instantly. A man is hit in the crotch with a mallet. A man jumps on a trampoline and runs into a ceiling fan, breaking a light bulb and crashing into the wall. A woman is frightened when she finds an alligator in the kitchen. A man skateboards down a railing and crashes onto the ground. A man gets paper cuts on the webbing between his toes and fingers (we see bloody wounds, hear the paper cutting the flesh and hear him yelling) and another man gets paper cut on the sides of his mouth and his nose (a man vomits after watching). Three men skateboard and bike on a ramp and they each fall a few times, and one crashes into a wall. We watch a few boxing matches, each ending with a knockout. We watch as a professional boxer beats up a man in a department store: The man ends up in the hospital, having to get stitches in his head -- which we see. Two men put tiny shrimp in their pants (we see their private parts; please see the Sex/Nudity category for more details) and go into the sea with whale sharks who try to eat the shrimp right out of their pants. A man is knocked over by a wall of water a few times. A man gets a tattoo while doing off-road driving (we see many bloody puncture marks on his arm). A man puts a bottle rocket in his anus and lights it off a couple of times and another man ties a bottle rocket to his penis and sets it off. A man falls into a cactus. A man urinates on a snow cone, then eats it and vomits almost immediately. A man kicks himself in the head. We see a man sit down to use the bathroom and another man comes into the room and pounds on him. A man throws a golf club into trees where two men are hiding, then drives golf balls toward them. A mountain lion bats at a man in a mouse costume. Two men fall through a ceiling pretending to be robbers. A man puts a toy car into his anus: we see him get an X-ray and then later we see the car after he has had a bowel movement. A man is shot from a catapult into water, and a man is caned on the bare buttocks. We watch a man urinate in his underwear (it trickles out). A crab bites a man's finger and he yells in pain. We see men being hit with debris from an explosion, one is thrown into the air, two run in front of a truck and are hit: we see blood on the windshield, a body rolling under the tires and a head coming out from under the truck (this sequence is done with dummies and very fake blood). A tiger jumps on a man and appears to be biting his neck.

Too easy, I know. Some of the reviews of kids' movies are the funniest of all. Check out Han's piece for an hilarious review of Spongebob Squarepants The Movie.

The best bit is picturing these dorks sitting in front of their TVs with their fingers on the pause and replay buttons, scribbling all this stuff down. Talk about sick!