Hokay …
So with our last three posts and comment-fests, we've established the kind of things women want; and from our - admittedly restricted and probably biased - focus group, it looks like I shouldn't have any problems as long as I manage to speak to a woman before she runs away (basically, I should start looking for women standing in corners so I can establish my "confident, fun and intelligent" credentials while they're still trapped).
Next question:
Just where do I go to find these women?
Bearing in mind that:
- I commute seven hours a day and work the rest, so monday to friday are out.
- The kind of woman who chats up the lead guitarist at gigs is NOT the kind of woman I'm looking for.
- I don't go to "bars" (I'm kind of old-fashioned; I find the idea of casual sex pretty disgusting). Anyway, we don't have such things as "singles bars" like they do in the US, just grotty dives where frankly revolting people go to binge-drink 'til they puke.
- Related to the above, I'm not interested in a short term relationship. Hell, I'm forty-eight; this one's got to last me out.
As for what I'm looking for … the list I sketched out got so restrictive that it became plain that no such woman could exist in this universe.
So let's just take a few points:
The woman I'm looking for:
- must be a non-smoker
- preferably a veggie
- preferably no kids or animals
- politically aware and left wing
- smart, funny, strong and independent (she should have a life of her own outside the relationship as I'm very rarely at home; someone who just sits in front of the telly or calls me up every half an hour would drive me scatty)
- tattoos turn me right off
As for looks (though I know beggars can't be choosers):
- I like slim (I'm NOT a big boob man), quirky looking, bookish, academic types (the old "sexy librarian" / long hair and glasses thing), and I like "feminine" (I'm old fashioned) …
So come on, gang; where does old Dive start looking for a woman like that (if one actually exists) now that you've got his confidence up?
30 comments:
Oh, and don't say "the library", because Norwich's "sexy librarian" is happily married to one of my best friends (Hi, Miriam) …
In all the time I've known you, I had no idea that tatoos turn you off!!! Perhaps a popeye type thing on a woman is a bit unbecoming, but not all tats, surely? A lady that we both once knew had the most sexy one I've ever seen. It wasn't particularly sexy in itself (a little bee) but it was where your leg meets your body, so it's covered by the briefest of briefs.
Hey, Pea, your tat is great; I meant the kind of thing that what's her face (the what's on magazine gig guide woman) is covered in …
And as for "sexy librarian", Kate, I don't mean "sexy temptress" (that wouldn't interest me at all), I just like the bookish look.
Wow that's quite a list and i hope you realise you will have to compromise on a few stops along the way! Can only speak personally really and, based on the fact that i'm just yr blogging friend, met by chance on here, so you should be able to find someone fitting your ideals quite easily! You then have to figure out how important these compromised things would be to you, i suppose. For example, take me. Well, no don't as i'm unavailable (lol) but as an example.
Your heavy commuting is indeed heavy but i'm busy anyway so that would suit fine really. You're right to think of this though as some would expect you to be pubbing and restauranting throughout the week.
I'm no groupie and i should think few women are so you're prob safe there, even though you're right there in their market.
Going to bars doesn't equate with casual sex, which i too abhor. I don't mind going into my local country pub alone (not a grotty dive at all, very civilised and friendly, i know you have them in NOrwich too) which i found by going in alone one day and talking, getting to know lots of locals who are now friends. Casual sex just didn't enter my head, though it's entered a few of theirs! Politely and firmly refused. Librarian style. Yes i have long hair and glasses. lol and am very bookish.
Like you, i've never done the short-term thing. Only proper relationships for me, otherwise forget it. So, another match!
must be a non-smoker: TICK
- preferably a veggie: NO BUT EAT SO LITTLE MEAT
- preferably no kids or animals: 3 TEENAGERS, ONE LIVING WITH ME TWO WITH DAD. You, at your age, Dive, are going to have to expect some baggage. It's not as bad as you think; children get older and lead their own lives more and more anyway and are amazingly accepting of their parents' new lives and teenagers are not ALL bad. Mine are wonderful, i'm very lucky.
- politically aware and left wing: AWARE but not willing to match ALL opinions of my spouse. That would be ridiculous and boring, you know it would, Dive. There, you've been told. Librarian style again.
- smart, funny, strong and independent: YEP ALL THOSE I HOPE. Though staying in touch via text or calls - not every half hour - is a woman thing you'd be wise to adopt. Does no harm just to say something nice now and again, shows a woman that although you're in your cave, you still think of her.
- tattoos turn me rightt off: eeeuuuwww! me too. So, okay there too.
- I like slim (I'm NOT a big boob man), quirky looking, bookish, academic types (the old "sexy librarian" / long hair and glasses thing), and I like "feminine" (I'm old fashioned) … ALL TICKED though i'm curvy, after three children. How important IS that Dive, really. Feminine IS curvy, and you like feminine!
Right, so you see i'm just a random and pretend contender and we ticked most of them. I wouldn't have liked to be backed into a corner though Dive, forget that one too. Friendly fun and gentle.
Where to meet, well first, try some country pubs? Take the newspaper/crossword/book and talk. Try a new place though, not where your mates hang out. Keep it simple and not like a shopping trip. Relaxxxxxx. Hope that helps. Your friendly bookish librarianly bespectacled, longhaired blogfriend. x
WHEW!
That's brilliant reply, Lynn.
As for going to pubs in Norwich, I do sometimes pop down to the Arts Centre bar to check up the acoustic gigs they have on saturday afternoons. And yes, I usually get chatting to women there, but they're the "alternative" crowd who know me as a musician anyway, and they usually smoke like chimneys …
Kids? As you say, I'm at the age now where any woman I'm likely to find has a family. I don't mind kids who have left home (as you know, I regard anyone under 37 as a kid), it's just that my home is definitely NOT child-proof, and I really don't have the time to establish any kind of relationship with a child.
And I agree that dating my political clone would be boring, but she would still have to be left wing, even if only a Guardian reader.
Oh, and country pubs round here are just wall to wall tourists. Yuck!
And by "feminine", I meant I prefer dresses to jeans (not for myself, though) …
Really helpful stuff. Thanks again (you don't have any sisters, do you? Hee hee).
oh and a bit more on the theme - pop over to my cheltenham blog to see what's romantic and do give us your view Dive.
Hey, I've just seen an ad for Ugly Betty in the Guardian.
Take that crap off her teeth and that's the look that does it for me …
Let's see.... Your list is reasonable, and you work in one of the best cities around to find a suitable lass. I'd suggest looking in London.
And I hate to carp on online dating, but I have to ask. Did you check out online dating sites for London (not Norwich)? One of the sites I use has a very lively London department (and the men on there aren't all sad blokes looking for a shag, so I'd imagine that there are interesting women on there too). Surely there must be others. If you don't like bars, and all your friends are married or are just friends, then it might be a place to look. You can't lose for trying.
I'd think that you might have a hard time with the no-kids thing (you are over 40, and many available women in that age range do indeed have them). But it looks like you've covered that in the comments. And as for veggie, I don't even look for veggies, and I am one.
Although a relationship is your goal, I'd suggest being more open to dating first. Things have gotten a bit weird these days, with *dating* meaning sex and anything else ending up with living together or getting married. Thing is, you never know when you meet someone.
Sigh... Don't you just wish that all of this would hurry up and being happily ever after already?
When Peahen referred to Popeye in the context of a tatoo, I was immediately put in mind of Olive Oil. I think she's your perfect mate.
It seems to me that if you spend so much time working and commuting, then you have two choices: either find someone you work with or move so that you spend less time on the train. The old line here is that you'll always meet a nice girl in church, but that won't work for you. It's not true either.
So work it is. How flexible are you with your list? A woman can be skinny at heart, you know.
Here's another question, which came up during my family Christmas question festivity: does your mate need to be a soul mate, and can you have more than one soul mate? Are you looking or a soul mate or just a mate who makes you happy?
lol no, no sisters. We do seem to tick a lot of boxes don't we Dive! hmm...
Yeah, the Arts Centre is not what i had in mind, for the reasons you mentioned. You already know where you're going wrong (i'm very strict today, i know; this book's six weeks overdue sir! ... see me afterwards). Don't pull the country-pubs-here-are-full-of-tourists lark with me - lol - they are here too but i know your area; my parents are there. There are lots of quiet, country locals like there are here. So, think again Dive. he he i'm quite enjoying this librarian lark.
Children- i think you're stuck on imagining five and six year olds haring around your well-ordered music collection, bashing treasured guitars out of the way. Not so. More likely to be teens who will appreciate and be interested in your talent in any case, much less likely they'd even come to your home that regularly anyway. A relationship needs only to be pleasant, caring and interested with them, not much more, so stop stressing about this area.
Not only do i read the Guardian, i've also written for it. It's my regular paper. Not drawn on my political views at this stage, but you could be surprised. I'm just saying that we wouldn't have to wear twin jumpers on everything.
LOVE dresses. Never happier than in summer when dresses reign. Bit corduroy jeans at present but mainly for warmth with pretty tops though, always pretty tops lol.
Although i'm happily attached, it shows how a random pair like us could be absolutely suited, with more common goals and ideals that even i expected from this exercise. Must perk up your expectations of this magical meeting just a bit i feel?
Hi there, Sassy, fellow date hunter.
I can't look in London as my commute is so long I have to be outta here by 4:15 to ensure I get home in time to go to bed.
And London house prices? Sheesh! I get paid well, but not THAT well!
And I REALLY don't fancy the idea of casual dating.
Olive Oyl, Robyn? Hee hee. She's certainly slim!
As for dating someone I work with; office romance here is frowned upon big time, plus the fact that I don't fancy anyone here and I sincerely hope nobody here fancies me!
And you know from a past post on our local cult church how I feel about your next point.
Soul mates … Hmm … I'd consider three people (only one of them female) to be my soul mates, so I don't think we're restricted to just one.
Love the strict librarian schtick, Lynn. Hee hee.
Kids; I take your point.
Country pubs in Norfolk? Next time you're out this way, take a look and see how many unattached women you can see.
Hoorah for dresses though …
I'm not saying that you need to live in London, but if you are there five days a week, it's not a bad place to start. Who knows? There might be some lovely woman who would love to move to the country but is afraid of being lonely? I live in a small town. If I looked here, I'd be stuck with married men old enough to be my dad or restaurant workers who spend all their time in bars. So I look in Boston. Strategy, Dive. Strategy.
I'm not saying "casual dating," but I am suggesting being a bit more casual about dating. It takes the pressure off and allows things to develop. At least that's what my therapist says.
It's a nice idea Sassy, but whilst I'm here in jolly Westminster around four days a week, all of that time is spent at work, or dashing headlong across the city to get to and from work (to ensure I get in enough hours to catch the train home I take a fifteen minute lunch; so not really enough time to go dating).
Have you ever thought about staying a bit late? Isn't finding a lovely woman worth being a bit sleepy? Heh, finding the right woman might leave you a bit sleepy. Ex-Boyfriend and I called it "being zombies."
Hee hee.
The train I catch is the last "direct" one (it only stops once all the way home); every one after that stops at several thousand tiny stations. Even if I stay half an hour later I risk buggering up my sleep patterns which leaves me jetlagged and grouchy for days (believe me, I've tried it).
Nope, it looks like I'll have to restrict my date hunting to Norfolk …
There a lot of people who have weekend relationships, even married people. They work all week in whatever location is practical or necessary, and they spend their weekends together. All I know of Norfolk is what you have described--I do hope there is someone there just waiting to be met.
I agree that Norfolk is the place, or at least not London, unless she has a nice little pied a terre in the city, so that you could both eventually stay there all week and travel home to Norfolk at weekends. Perfect. Now - who is she, that's the problem?
...and also you need to be in Norfolk for your musical contacts. I know; my last relationship was with a musician. lol! The similarities go on...
i reckon those country pubs.
Who indeed, Lynn; that's the biggie.
And Robyn, the weekend relationship thing sounds a wonderful idea (at least she wouldn't complain that I never let her have any time to herself … hee hee.).
Ah, at last the true master of all things weemen arrives.
Welcome, Mister K.
Any advice from you is most gratefully received (though it may not be acted on to the letter) …
That's the best ad ever, Knudsen!
Now he needs to help me...
Ahem.
You've just described me there Dive. Except I don't need glasses, but nobody's perfect.
'Cept you're just a wee bit out of my age range.
(PS: 7 hour commute - are you mad?)
Yes, I'm quite insane, young Spinny.
And I lied about my age!
Kate: Valdemort, that's very funny! And Old Knudson's breakdown of the ad is so precise but I'm will attract the cow and not the girl.
The thing about our age range is that expectations are different--you're likely to find a woman who wants a little distance now and then and doesn't want your constant attention.
Scary, my teenage daughter has described her future husband as a rich man who works all the time so she'll never have to see him. Jeez, what does that say about her parents? Maybe nothing. Maybe she just wants to be herself.
Lets see, have you ever been married yourself Dive? why do you take Japanese lessons instead of knitting lessons? (chicks dig the knitting) I think you have intimacy issues so you set the bar too high. The weemen that talk to you 'nowadays' because you play the guitar I doubt are 20 year old sex mad groupies, if so don't complain. Heres what men do, they ask 1000 or so weemen out and maybe one or two will say yes and that's a success, take the odd chance mate, fortune favours the bold. What you have described is the perfect woman, someone you can talk too about yer interests, go out sometimes, shag, and then she goes away until you call her again.
I've learned that you can look for yer type and ignore the ones that would have been a lot better because her toes were too long, always some reason, I've read the comments, you do need to be flexible, give gurls a chance to shine you just never know, someone not yer physical type may be the most interesting person you've ever met and you fall in love with her incredibly sexy mind and the rest falls into place.
I don't know where to look, I get weemen throwing themselves at me all the time because for the main part I don't care, they can smell desperation, also my fine features are a bonus too, get yerself a cap, or alternatively keeping Blogging and get a rubber dolly.
I hope this has been of use to you, remember, men are bastards, but bad boys with a heart of gold is a good bastard, pretty gurls can't fuck, every rose has it's thorn, respect weemen or you'll feel the back of my hand, if you want to feel the inside of my leg, I smoke 12 packs a day whether I need to or not , I do have tattoos , I love to eat animals, I'm a left winger that has right wing views or the other way round I don't know, I have children but for some reason that never come round, the fuckers, and you have to be on top.
WOW Old Bitter Balls...that was the sexiest blog comment I've EVER read! Mmmmmmmmm....take lessons Dive...follow his advice and report back...we're ALL pullin' for ya! Hey! Hubs and I plan on heading to London this Spring (April, 3rd week)...and I'd LOVE nothing more than to meet up with as many of my blog buddies as possible...provided they'd like to do the same! Life's just to f***ing short NOT to! If ya think you could stomach (or butt...or you choose your body part!) this in person...mark your calendars...and quit snickering...I'm SERIOUS!!! No strings attached...no backing you into a corner (unless I can get rid of H for awhile!)...but ya might get a little peck on the cheek...if ya think you could stand THAT! ;) xo
ooh, i missed the comment-orgy, but i've just trolled through and read all the advice from yer wonderful friends (knudsen, you are hilarious).
do you think attraction should be that immediate 'omg, she's the one'? sure, that happens, but perhaps you could focus on developing friendships with women first and see if anything comes from that. it sounds like you're putting a bit of pressure out there for the attraction to be immediate.
time for some tough love, dive. you've articulated what you'd like in a woman and that's great, but i'm hearing a lot of conflicting stuff. you say you want a relationship but you've beaten down every suggestion from the gals. ie., hanging out more in london, changing yer schedule, etc. if you want to meet women you'll probably need to compromise your current lifestyle and it sounds as though you're actually quite happy with it the way it is - if you weren't you'd do things differently. it's like the old saying: what's the definition of insanity? it's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. er, ok, so that's more like the old question and answer thingy but you get my drift.
i believe we set up our lives the way we want them to be, whether we realise it consciously or not. perhaps the idea of a relationship is more appealing than the reality for you at the moment, and until the reality of it is stronger than the idea, you'll probably not change things to make something happen. hope that makes sense, and hope this helps :)
>>where does old Dive start looking for a woman like that >>
The train?
I'm surprised you have time to do anything other than work, commute and sleep.
Knudsen, that's some fantastic advice. And I've already commented on Gaijin Girl's tough love (she's right).
Dive, she's out there. Really, she is.
Take a trip to China and you will find the answer to all your prayers.
Post a Comment