Oh, bugger!
He's having another one of his turns …
Well, it's been a while since I've been grouchy, so here we go.
Robyn asked us to complete the sentence:
"The World would be much nicer if …"
… to which I replied "there were no people in it."
By which I don't just mean all those pathetic bores shouting into their mobile phones on the train to let me know how worthless their lives are.
I mean all of us.
Even all those cute Japanese girls in bikinis …
"Hi. My name is Dive and I want to kill you."
S'true.
Not just you, but your parents, your children, everyone you know and love, that bloke standing over there, Christina Ricci, Bono (definitely Bono) and everyone else, including (and especially) me.
If someone gave me a button to push that would guarantee the death of every single human being (probably best to take out the higher apes as well, to prevent it all happening again), then I'd jam my finger down on that sucker so hard!
Save the planet at a stroke. The ultimate good deed for Mother Earth.
Give it a few thousand years for things to balance up again and the world would be oh, so much nicer.
Listen up.
A sunset or a waterfall doesn't need some dickwad looking at it to be beautiful.
So let's kill us all! Do the planet a favour.
If anyone out there has a virus or some biological weapon they're afraid to use, just give it to me. As long as it's guaranteed to wipe us all out I'll happily be the first to take it.
Here ends grouchy old Dive's happy message for the day.
33 comments:
well, that's all well and good...
but what's so funny about australia day? (was just visiting old knudsen)
Oops. I knew I'd upset someone.
Er … someone was tickling me when I wrote that.
That's a great version of Matilda, by the way.
australia day - also commonly referred to as 'invasion day'. perhaps it would be best celebrated on yer venerable shores?
you didn't answer the question.
Nothing (giggle) funny at (ahem) all, GG (cough) …
Sorry. I've got three Kiwis in my office and they've been taking the piss out of Oz all morning.
Sorry Divey Boy...can't pull off this persona anymore...you already talked about tiffany lamps and flowers in the snow...nope...unh-unh...doesn't work...sorry! ;) Didn't know you were so tickly-chummy with your office mates!
I didn't just do a Britty language no-no by saying "chummy" did I?
;)
Morning, Ame.
Chummy's fine and dandy.
Okay, I'll admit to being Mister Fake-Grouchy today (hee hee).
But you gotta admit, killing everyone is a pretty good idea, ecologically speaking. And funny, too.
And hey! At least I managed to offend an entire continent with my critique of Australia Day on Old Knudsen's site.
Well, they did stuff us at cricket (again).
Oh dear, it's the mobiles getting to him again, forget Australia Day, that was pure sport for him. Dive you are officially the grouchiest man in the world today. What's brought this on then (she crooned). Come, Dive. Sit down here on the couch. Now - when do you think your feelings of anger first began...
A touch of the old 'l'enfer c'est les autres' eh dive. Take a couple of aspirin.
Good God. Listen to you, going on about the wretched evils of mankind. I wasn't thinking about ways to destruct but ways to build up and act right for a change. Good point, though, that beauty doesn't need human appreciation in order to be beautiful.
If it were to all start over again, it would fascinating to come back in thousands of years to see what the new "humans" looked like and if they would be nice or jerky.
Ummm... This is one of those days that I'm glad there's an ocean between us.
Hey, what's wrong with wanting to kill everybody?
The greatest possible amount of good anybody could do on this planet would be to wipe humans off it.
And yes, Robyn; that's why I'd take out the higher apes, too: to make damned sure we didn't happen again.
I don't know what the fuss is about. I think it's a great idea.
And it's not anger, Lynn; just a rational conclusion.
Peahen once accused me of writing Agent Smith's "virus" speech in the Matrix. Agent Smith was a wuss.
Die! Human scum! DIEEEE!!!!
Hee hee hee …
I'm going to start calling you Mr. Anderson.
You've not got a white rabbit drawn on your shoulder have you, Sassy?
Now THAT's what I'm talking about!
Cheers, Mister K.
Follow me, Dive.
hee hee.
I'll take the red pill, please.
The mirror's going to look really funny in a few seconds.
Eww … It's all going swimmy …
A phrasae is going through my mind …
"We need buns … LOTS of buns."
Buns? Lots of buns?
I'm glad I don't understand.
And weeners too? I didn't say THAT! My "naughty" braincell is turned OFF!
Look what you have gone and done. I take a nice little post about improving the world, and you go and knock it down. You're the kid in kindergarten who waits for me to build the big tower out of all the blocks. And just when I add the crowning piece, you come charging in and send all the blocks flying.
And now you're in cahoots with Old Knudson.
I didn't knock it down, Robyn (he stamps and pouts).
I didn't just improve the world, I saved it!
And now, having saved the world, I'm going to bed.
Nighty night.
Oh, and I love the word Cahoots (wasn't that an album by The Band?) …
oh dear you've annoyed Robyn now Dive. One less chance on the dating scene perhaps. oops.
Wow!!! I feel better and more secure already! I hope your day tomorrow is much better! Take care! :-)
Surprised the kiwis in your office even know how to get to work...
But seriously, now. You want to eradicate humans? Won't that give rise to the lemurs?
I was rather hoping for cockroaches, Vic.
A vast improvement on humans.
And welcome, Dave.
I feel somewhat inferior with my wimpy attempt at snow pictures, having seen yours.
That's real snow!
But then you're Canadian, so that's cheating.
See? he knows about the Lemurs and they all thought I was mad until they all vanished so suddenly.
Dive/Dave/Dive/Dave something is going on here, I must talk to my mate Dane about this.
er I mean she, I once got into trouble like this before but now i'm playing Aussie rules ha!
Lynn, if I were single and if lived in the UK but not in London and if I were more than left leaning and if I didn't believe in Jesus and if I were not a carnivore, I'm afraid I still wouldn't have a chance with the date because I wouldn't pass the skinny-with-stripey-tights test. It's a pity. I could work at being skinny, I suppose, but then horizontal stripes add the illusion of girth.j
I would have to settle for being the friendly neighbor, but wouldn't that be fun.
Ahoy there, Old K. Your mate's a Dane? Is he called Sven? If so, I think Sassy's been looking for him.
And Robyn, I don't know where this stripey tights business came from (actually, wasn't it from a picture of Jill Thompson's cartoon witch?), but I really don't have a thing for them.
And be thankful that (as Sassy points out) there's an ocean between us, as you know I DO have a thing for literary types who are musicians and have this Lisa Loeb thing going on with their glasses and who downplay their appearance in their blogs but who know they're really lovely …
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