Ah, me …
I love being in my office, especially on days when the Dadaist Fairy has sprinkled its twisted magic dust everywhere.
Do you remember Amanda?
For any newbies, Amanda endeared herself to us shortly after she joined the company earlier this year.
I burned her an interactive CAD training DVD which she took home to study and when Caroline and Andy started work here a short time later I asked if she would bring it back in for them to use.
She told me the DVD was still in her laptop drive at her house but that she would definitely bring it in on Monday.
So …
That Friday night, she goes home, presses eject, stuffs the DVD into an envelope and puts it in her bag.
First thing Monday morning she hands it to Caroline who loads it up onto her computer and - with the rest of us sitting around watching, proceeds to entertain us with a DVD of hardcore lesbian action …
Amanda learns a valuable lesson about labelling DVDs and keeping them in the correct cases and we all learn a lot about Amanda.
Since that … er … ice-breaker, Amanda's workstation has gradually become more of a trashy floordrobe for her binge-drinking forays into the nether world of London's less salubrious twilight establishments; currently there are a number of sparkly dresses, skirts and tops in a state of disarray on her chairs and shelves and seventeen (count 'em) assorted pairs of "fuck me" high heeled shoes under her desk.
And this morning she has found a new way to entertain us.
This morning she has become a yoghurt-pusher.
She appears - as usual after a night out - still in her party gear with make-up smeared all over her face and hair like a rats' nest.
Before heading up to the shower to clean up and change into her work suit she wafts over to me in a cloud of stale fag-breath.
"Would you like a yoghurt?" is her innocent opener.
This is followed by the opening of a huge bag full of cartons.
"I bought a hundred and ten cartons."
Yup … That's what she said. A hundred and ten cartons of yoghurt.
I express some bafflement and she explains:
"They were on special in Tesco. I bought fifty pounds worth for twenty pounds. That's a bargain!"
I ponder the word "bargain" …
"And they're my favourite flavour: banana choc-o-flakes … though I'm a bit bored with them now. I ate too many last night."
One of the things in this world that I least want to put in my mouth is banana choc-o-flakes yoghurt so I enquire:
"Will you be able to eat them all before their expiry date?"
Amanda looks even blanker than usual …
"Expiry date?"
Having checked the first dozen or so she has a moment of clarity.
"Shit! I'm going away next week and they all expire before I come back!"
There are twenty-seven cartons in her carrier bags; the rest - bar the six she managed to eat last night before going out - completely fill her fridge (she shows me a photo she had taken with her phone … there is NOTHING but yoghurt in her fridge).
She is currently wandering around the office, forlornly pushing yoghurt.
People seem initially enthusiastic … until they see that the only flavour on offer is banana choc-o-flakes.
Does anyone want to go to a yoghurt party at Amanda's house this weekend?
47 comments:
Heeey! I love banana choc-o-flakes yoghurt ! :D Send me some!
Apparently they are on special at Tesco, Joy.
You can get fifty pounds worth for twenty pounds.
A bargain!
Even better - freebies from Amanda :D
She has actually managed to shift the contents of her bags.
There are sixty-two people here, twenty-seven of whom appear to be brave or foolish enough to put that gack in their mouths.
Hahaha. Why? Is yoghurt bad? Banana and chocolate simply go hand in hand. Remember my crepe? Banana and nutella. Yummy yum yum. I wish the crepe lady was still around!
I really laughed out loud at this one. She sounds so sweet in a kind of crazy way. Ahhh, bless. The story is hilarious and I love the description of her party wardrobe residing in your office. How does she get away with that, for a start? I can recall having to hide a pair of party shoes in my bottom drawer underneath files. Can she really not have thought about the expiry date? Or the boredom factor? Or pure billiousness due to too much yoghurt filling her spankly-covered tummy? Ohhh she sounds such a weirdy character (would she agree to a photo?) but I am at once endeared. Endeared.
Er, that's meant to be spangly not spankly. On the other hand, ... knowing Amanda... ;)
Joy: yoghurt should be plain and a crepe should only have lemon squeezed on it.
Banana and nutella (whatever that might be) sounds gruesome.
Sweet and crazy kind of sums her up, Lynn. Luckily, she is as good at her job as she is disastrous at everything else.
Our office is not somewhere the public have access to (and everybody else avoids us as we're grumpy old buggers), so several of our girls use their workstations as messy dens.
As for thinking of expiry dates, the girl spends most of her time unconscious and at her best she is somewhat dazed.
Sheesh!
I think Amanda would fare quite well in New York City!
Banana and nutella crepe - delish! I can have the lemon WITH a sprinkling of sugar.
You can have as much sugar as you please, Joy, just don't expect me to eat any.
I never believed you for a moment that you have nothing to write about. This post is pure vintage Dive. Absolutely hysterical! Your work-mate sounds like quite the character. Now I have to go eat a yoghurt.
Just make sure it's not banana choc-o-flake, Katie; the whole of London reeks with them at the moment.
I don't understand a flavor of yogurt with "flakes" in the name. Or maybe we have a different definition of yogurt, not to mention a different spelling.
This is such a funny story, though. Thank you!
Robyn, I don't understand yoghurt with flakes in it, either.
And - as you know - we spell everything right and you spell everything wrong (uh-oh … here we go again … I'll put on my hard hat and duck down behind these sandbags).
And you pronounce everything wrong, too.
You say Yo! Gurt! when the first syllable is correctly pronounced the same as in "YOP" (from Horton Hears A Who) and the g is "soft" (hence the "h") although not as soft as in van Gogh (NEVER van Go … shit that annoys me almost as much as it does the Dutch).
It's a crappy flavour, Rich. Wise move.
Amanda's sweet in a kind of "upper class girl with a death wish" way; she's a physical and emotional train wreck but it's fun to watch.
Oh, and "fag" over hear means "cigarette."
Thought I'd better clear that one up.
Come on Dive
You made up this Amanda, surely!
She is completely wacky! Who buys all that yoghurt without worrying about the expire date? Or carry all of them in their bag without worrying that yoghurt should never be kept out of the fridge?
I love very stupid women, they make me look clever! ;)
Rose: Amanda's real (frighteningly so) and all of this is absolutely true; the porn DVD, the bulk-yoghurt buying, the shoes, the lot.
She's not dumb, she's just kind of endearingly confused by everyday life.
Amanda reminds me of my former roommate Bennie. Basically good-hearted, but no common sense. Oh, the stories I could tell...
Has anyone thought about donating the extras to a local food bank?
I dont eat yoghurt so I cant help her out on that. I have been known to enjoy some well done lesbian action on ocassion. Is there any more of those in her fridge? lol
Mark
You could use the yoghurt for something else.
Do tell us the stories, Lulu! Hee hee.
Ass for the food bank, I've a feeling our local homeless people would run screaming from banana and choc-o-flakes yoghurt.
Mark and anonymous: Now now! Behave! This is a clean and harmless family blog … er.
Hilarious. [Emotional and physical train wreck in an endearing upper class kind of way]. That describes some of my friends from the best years of my youth.
But, I'm like you, I like plain greek yoghurt. How do you pronounce that again?
For Katie: some nice mosaics at MBOB :)
I need to see pictures of this girls and her workstation! I love people like this. They facinate me.
How about yoghurt wrestling? That could be interesting.
You are kind hearted. I'm afraid Amanda would get on my last nerve, but reading about her from a safe distance is amusing.
Photos of workstations, please!
Mme: I pronounce it correctly. Hee hee.
I'll pop across to see the mosaics.
Shazza and Cali: It is more than my life is worth t post photos of Amanda's workstation. Sheesh!
When she'a at work she is lovely - and very good at her job; she just doesn't seem to have adjusted to the realities of everyday life.
Yoghurt wrestling, Shazza? You've been watching the same videos Amanda watches.
eww...yogurt.
I get a little nauseous just thinking about banana choc-o-flakes.
I'm with Robyn on the flake thing - what IS this stuff? I used to make my own yoghurt, with a dash of honey. Gorgeous! Haven't done it for a while.
I'm with Dive on the spelling and pronunciation. lol.
Amanda is upper class? Goodness how things have changed...
Oh come on! Is this a TRUE story, Dive? How can this lady keep a job with glittery clothes and shit all over the place? And coming in like that? Where the hell do you work anyway? : )
I am a big yogurt fan, but I can't eat banana flavored (turns my stomach) and the thought of chocolate WITH FLAKES in yogurt is equally awful. I only eat goat milk yogurt and it has to be vanilla or plain.
Otherwise, I would have bought those yogurts up from her. I eat about two cartons per day.
T: Me, too! Ick.
Lynn: Most of our girls are Sloanes and Amanda is the Sloaniest. She's a Z-List party animal.
Katherine: Hee hee. Amanda is not the only one who comes straight to work from the nightclubs.
I commute three and a half hours to get there and keep my suit on the hanging rails in the staff cloakroom; others cycle across the city and do the same; and the party girls come straight from their parties.
We have private showers (and for some reason a lovely big bathroom with a bath in it) on the top floor in what used to be a penthouse but is now the staff private area and in the mornings they get pretty busy.
Amanda is somewhat ditzy (to be kind) and tends to keep a few outfits (and a LOT of shoes) in the office.
Our part of the office is staffed by the "arty" types and management tend to let us make as much mess as we want as long as we come up with the goods.
Amanda is very good at her job and as her line manager I cannot fault her work. Plus she is … er … great for team morale.
Maria: I'm a plain Greek yoghurt fan. If I wanted a banana with my yoghurt I would eat a banana with it, I would never buy something that a factory has churned out consisting of yoghurt with artificial flavourings and colours and crap made to look and taste like banana.
Eww!
banana and youghurt
and lesbian DVDs...
very proper!
It's one reason I love my office.
Wow Sloanes have certainly changed a LOT since my day, then! I was often on the Sloane circuit and things were awfully proper then! he he...early eighties. Frilled collars, kilts, patent pumps, twin sets, pearls, oh yes those were the days...
Wow your office is unlike any office I've ever worked in! The non-English here will think we all work like that. We don't! How lucky you are, Dive, to have a proper bathroom at all and not just a squeeze-in loo. Amazing. Also, the lax way of running the place, so that people can keep clothes and roll in straight from a party. That too is incredible, even though I am sure the work is superb, most places wouldn't entertain the idea. Hang on to that job, Dive!
p.s. can you sneak us a couple of pics of the office and its views over London? Oh and Amanda too, if she would.
Hey I found this fascinating article on how the Sloanes began, if you're interested. These are the memories I have! ... he he. You see why I am surprised. I have loved this post, Dive, thanks! Ok, yah.
The Sloane Story
The Sloane circuit these days still involves the old Deb calendar but in between they tend to go Z-List clubbing, Lynn.
The publicly accessible parts of our office are immaculate (as is Amanda when she's showered, dressed and got a couple of espressos down her neck).
Most people's workstations are as clean and bare as mine (which I've posted a few times).
We know the value of good people and as long as Amandas' social life doesn't affect her work she is assured of a job.
And yes, having the old penthouse on top of the office is great; there's a big old social room up there, plus loads of showers and loos and a great kitchen (we have kitchens and rec rooms on all the floors but that's the communal one).
Amanda would die of shame if she know I wrote about her but next time I do an office party post I'll see if I can sneak one of her. Christmas is coming; be patient.
I'll put the kettle on and go read the Sloane Story. Hee hee.
Enjoy your coffee break, Dive, it's fun!
Oh but Dive, where is the shame? She is a real gem and I think, judging from the comments here, we all love her already! What fun she is, cooky, cute and characterful. Go on, tell her. I reckon she'd be chuffed to bits and chortle her beautiful head awf.
kooky
Er … She's still trying to live down the lesbian DVD episode, Lynn. And if she knew I called her clothes trashy she would in all likelihood disembowel me with her immaculate fingernails.
what a great way to start my weekend, sugar, reading about your office and the delightful amanda! i can't wait until the christmas party! ;) xoxox
Brrr … I can wait, Savannah; I HATE Christmas parties!
xoxox
The Christmas party rant is one of the first encounters I had with you - I was intrigued. Hooked. How did I find you by the way? I honestly have no recollection as to how I got here in the first place. Do you?
You appeared in my comments box one day and sounded interesting so I checked out your blog only to find what I thought was a suicide note.
Remember? Hee hee.
My, time has flown.
Pah! Yes - it was my novel. Ha! But - the bit I don't recall is how I found YOU. lol.
I just checked back, Lynn.
You first appeared here on November 11, 2006 with a short and cryptic note and no profile photo. Guaranteed to intrigue!
I remember going across to find the first chapter of your novel posted with no indication that it was a novel, and looking very much like a suicide note.
By the time you next appeared here on the 23rd, the novel was proceeding nicely (and with a header that stated it WAS a novel) and you had your first profile photo up.
I checked back in your comments and cannot find anyone we had in common (except Utsav of course, but I know I found him via you).
So … I really have no idea how you found me unless you were clicking on the "random blog" button.
Damn, I hate unsolved mysteries! Hee hee.
Post a Comment