Telephones.
I hate the fuckers.
You all know my views on mobile telephones, but I think my advice to the fuckwits who use mobiles on my commuter train bears repeating:
"Now … heads up, mobile phone users. If you don't want to be wearing that thing up your arse, here's a little piece of advice (this is best read slowly and clearly, as if to a small child):
• First up: the concept of the "telephone":
If you speak into your "telephone", the person you're connected to can hear your voice coming out of their "telephone". Just because they may be miles away doesn't mean you have to SHOUT to make them hear you.
Related to this point: If you cannot hear them clearly over the noise of the train, shouting at them is unlikely to resolve the problem. They will, in all likelihood, be holding their phone at arms length because you're so fucking LOUD! It also causes other mobile users around you to stick a finger in their ear and raise their own voices, and is therefore counterproductive.
The urge to talk loudly if you cannot hear somebody else speaking is caused by "Basic Stupidity".
We now move on to "Advanced Stupidity".
• "Hi. It's me. I'm on the train".
Whoever is waiting for you at the end of your journey (and one day it might be me, with a nasty headache and a baseball bat), you need only call them if you MISS the train, or if it breaks down. Should your partner be so insecure and pathetic that they need to be constantly informed of your whereabouts, ditch them NOW and get a life. Grow up, for Chrissakes!
"Postgraduate Stupidity" includes the following:
• The constant, repetitive and loud barking of the word "Yeah" merely informs those around you that you are a moron who would lose a drooling contest with George Bush.
• Using your inane laugh as punctuation when you speak merely highlights the fact that the tedious drivel spewing from your mouth does SO not justify your whinnying cackle at the end of every boring sentence. If you were that funny, we would all be laughing. Look around you. We are not …
• Secretaries: If your boss fucks off early, leaving you slaving late in the office, then phones you from the train to ask about some email or tell you something he should have told you before he left: get a new job. He is a worthless piece of shit who clearly does not deserve you.
• In the thousands of train journeys I have suffered since the dawn of mobile technology, I could count on the fingers of one hand the words I have heard bellowed into phones that actually needed to be said. THINK before letting a carriage full of annoyed people know how utterly worthless your life is and how fucking BORING you are.
• Your ringtone is neither cool nor amusing."
As well as hating those fucking things and wanting to kill - in amusing and protracted ways - anyone who uses one near me, I hate ALL telephones with a vengeance.
The thought of having one actually follow me around gives me the creeping horrors.
I seem to have developed a kind of phone-phobia over the decades.
Every piece of bad news, be it deaths, disasters, heartbreak and general "change my life in a really unpleasant way" crap has come at me down the phone and I shudder with apprehension whenever one of the bastards rings.
Six people know my phone number and I really wish they didn't.
And they know to only phone me between 8 and 9 PM as the mute goes on after that and ring all you like, I'm not going to hear it.
If what you have to say is not worth popping round to say to me face to face, then it's probably not worth saying at all, so shut the fuck up.
Emails are bad enough, in that - if one doesn't wish to appear rude - they demand an instant reply.
I wish to appear rude.
I wish we could all just go back to writing letters.
That's one of the things I like about blogging (and why I don't leave my email address where people can see it); that I can communicate with my blogpals when I feel like it.
When the phone rings I'll often just ignore it as shouting "FUCK OFF!" can sometimes set a conversation off on the wrong foot.
I'm an antisocial and grumpy old fucker and I'm only good to talk to when I'm in the mood to talk.
This has been a public information announcement for those who don't like to be told to fuck off.
15 comments:
Haahaa - great post dive, you just said what I've been wanting to say for years. THANK YOU!!!
I hate when I become part of anyone's foolish conversation, on the train or bus - you are like a hostage to these freaks.
Ah, a kindred spirit.
Cheers, Rich. That's very heartening.
I also avoid the phone whenever possible. While at home alone I seldom answer it, letting it go to the answering machine. I get little enough alone time that I am very choosey on who I want to speak with those 4 days/nights a month.
My children often scold me because I forget to turn on my cell phone. I have one so I can find them because they will always answer theirs!
P.s. If you get a chance check out Shelby Lynne's cover of Just a little lovin' originally done by Dusty Springfield. BRAVO I say!
I, too, have a disdain for answering the telephone. I have three sisters who LOVE to call just to gab and I hate, hate, hate it. I am not a telephone gabber.
I only have a cell phone because Bing talked me into it by telling me that if I was away from home or work and something happened to Liv, it would be good to be able to reach me. She also mentioned something about it being handy if the car broke down.
I can hardly stand people who yell into their cell phones, especially in restaurants. It makes me lose my appetite. And I always see it as a "status" thing, like, "hey, look at me...I am so fucking popular that my cell phone won't stop ringing!"
Ah. So it's ju..st me then. I'm alone. Sitting here with my phone beside me, wearing it in my jeans pocket, even sleeping with it next to me as it's also my alarm. What can i say? Sorry?
The main reason i have it is so my sons can get me just any time they need me. Recently my son,16, was very unwell, i mean hospital status. I was out with some friends and was able to get right over there straight away. I also like my sons to have their mobile, as it means i can be there to pick them up safely. Yes we all managed without them in our day, yep. But, now - we don't have to!
Erm... i also text more than i phone so it's rare to find me chatting on it.
I'll get me coat.
Yeah, but sometimes it's so nice to have a phone in my pocket, like when I want to take a picture of something cool and send it somebody, or when I want to send a text message to someone and it just can't wait (yes, it IS important), or like when one of my kids needs to call me to make sure I don't forget to buy cheese at the store or to say they have stubbed their toe.
I don't think I shout, though. And I definitely don't cackle.
Wow! A tirade against phones!
Does this mean we're not supposed to email you, too? :D
Re mobiles: I have a main one, and several others. I like to compartmentalize - my callers. Obviously the most important reason is so my family back in the Philippines can contact me anytime - day or night - in case something happens. And they have done so - like when my mom had a heart attack and it was 2am here. Ringing my landline is more expensive than texting.
But I am happy to say that I am mindful of the people around me. When taking the train, I make sure I'm not in Coach B - the quiet coach. And when I do use my mobile, it's to catch up on work or chase people up because they haven't done something they needed to do.
There is a time I turn off ALL my phones - mobile and landline - when I've got a migraine. Someone could be trying to tell me the world's coming to an end via text or a mobile call, I couldn't care less!
And mobiles are so handy, especially when Thom and I travel outside the country!
In conclusion, I'd like to say that mobile phones have their uses in my life/work. And yeah, I also use them as a timer, alarm clock and they remind me of things I need to do. Neat. :D :D :D
joy
A Pinay In England
Your Love Coach
God, don't hold back, tell us what you really think.
first mobiles, now landlines, and emails.
Emails demand an instant reply?
The only time i reply straight away to an email if I have the time to sit and digest the email and reply intelligently.
I've killed a few mobiles by flinging them cheerfully against a wall or out into the hallway but I have to have one on 24/7 for work - they sack us if they can't reach us by mobile.
And I've just realised, why the fuck am i justifying my communication techniques to someone who I'll probably never have the "get of your phone on the train fucker" arguement with?
I have a mobile and i email - deal with it.
Prudence: I'll check out Shelby Lynne. I'll also dig through my iPod for Dusty In Memphis for the journey to work this morning.
Maria: noise can be so annoyingly intrusive. People carry on normal conversations at one level, but give them a mobile phone and they'll jack up their voice by a whole lot of decibels.
And they are so inconsiderate.
Twats.
Lynn: It's just you. Get your coat.
Robyn: I learned when we met that while you don't cackle, you have a truly magnificent "Ha!".
Joy: Thank you for not taking coach B. Unfortunately you're the only one. I don't travel in there because there are always half a dozen violently aggressive imbeciles on mobiles who put them away when the conductor comes round then start yelling again the moment he's gone.
Kate" emails are the bane of my working life.
After yesterday's meeting (a £15million contract that promises to overrun), I got home to type up the minutes only to find twelve "URGENT" emails on points raised at the meeting, all requiring instant answers on subjects ranging from valid points of contract law to fuckwit imbecility.
In "the good old days" before emails, contact law gave me seven working days to provide a written reply to any points raised.
Legally I still have those seven days but the pressure is such that replies that aren't instant invite claims for delays and damages.
There is no such thing as an in tray anymore, just the constantly nagging inbox that is so disruptive when I'm actually trying to get work done.
I was born in the wrong stupid century.
In general though, when travelling - by train, by bus, by car - I don't enjoy talking - because I get motion sickness when I do. :D
joy
a Pinay in England
Your Love Coach
Joy i've never met anyone with several mobiles before! You must wear combats all the time or have a beautiful Mulberry handbag?
:) Hey, while I've been ill, had a surreal* experience one morning - now I'm bold and you can tell me to f@ck off. :)
*Lay in bed with my eyes closed and must have dozed off by the time the sun came up and found my lids. My dream was that I had died and was floating toward the light. It was interesting to 'get my take' on the potential situation then eventually become aware that I was still feeling my body so...trying to open my eyes paid off. :) surreal!
Have a great week-end.
:) Lynn I have 2 phones - but the are turned on only when I need to use them. My phones serve me not I them.
So this mobile phone habit; it's a "woman thing", right?
I'm behind the times. I've only just discovered the hands free kit and I love it. I wouldn't inflict it on anybody else, but it's been perfect for catching up with people while I'm driving long distances. After eight hours singing at the lop of your lungs to the music just doesn't cut it and I start to crave conversation.
I love it. Deal with it.
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