Right!
Let's get nauseating!
Let's plumb the fœtid depths of squirming embarrassment.
It's time to talk of the perils of underage drinking.
It's time to talk of the deep, traumatic horror and shame of getting off with a friend because you're both too drunk and horny to stop.
It's time to talk of "The First Kiss"!
Ew …
My first serious kiss coincided tragically with the first time I got really - and I mean really - drunk.
The year: 1972.
The place: Sir John Leman Grammar School for girly swots.
The event: The Lower School Christmas Party.
The girl: Janet K_, a good friend who luckily (thank God) saw the funny side and remained a good friend for many years - before marrying the vicar's son … So much for sanity.
Let's set the scene for this Gothick tale of debauchery:
Young Dive and my K2 canoe-buddy, the equally young Bav, both spivved up in crap paisley shirts and flares - Hey! This was 1972! We were HOT! - enter the darkened school hall (a temporary and very dreadful disco) and head for the bar like the seasoned drinkers we plainly are not.
We've only just turned fourteen but we have no trouble getting served.
The guys behind the bar like us. We both play lead guitar in local bands and we both write, illustrate, print and distribute Mawkin, the satirical evil twin of the "official" school magazine, which has just got banned from every store in town (and the two of us told in no uncertain terms to tone things down) for the Christmas Issue cover picture of Santa with a huge beard shaped suspiciously like a cock and balls (I was rather proud of that one - and the fact that it had sold several hundred copies before anyone complained).
Anyhoo, Adnams will be Adnams (the world's finest beer) and stupid little boys will be stupid little boys and before long we had got ourselves totally shit-faced.
Boy, oh boy, we were young, we were genuinely falling-down drunk and we were loving it.
To the extent that when all the lights suddenly came on in the hall and the party stumbled to a halt, we were just about capable of looking up and going "Ooooh!" but totally incapable of realising why everyone was glaring at us until we had been roughly shoved aside from the bank of light switches that we happened to be leaning on.
Oops!
Shortly after that, Bav decided rather wisely to go live in the bathroom and commune with the spirits of the toilet bowl, which left me to reel and stagger around by myself.
Never having been drunk to the point of helpless imbecility before, I could see no downside whatsoever to the sudden and dizzyingly tempting notion of shoving my sweaty, beer-breathed, pimply kid's face at the prettiest girl I could find and I headed into the fray with lechery in mind, a lopsided smile and a belch of hope.
Of course, Vivian P_, the girl I fancied most was surrounded by guys much older than me but my inebriated eyes - after whirling around the room a few times - finally focused upon poor Janet, sitting with a few of our friends … and a thought formed in the beery recesses of my mind … It went something along the lines of "Hey! Janet's pretty, and right now I happen to be God's gift to teenage girls! Woohoo!"
I remember leaning over her and swaying a lot (I needed to hold onto the wall to keep myself from falling over) and - much to the hilarity of our friends - turning on the drooling, drunken idiot charm …
And it WORKED!
(Perhaps it's time I tried it again … perhaps not).
With the somewhat astonishing result that a few short minutes later, I left the party arm in arm with a very tipsy but undeniably pretty girl and - thanks to wicked Uncle Alcohol - nary an inhibition between us.
Somewhat inevitably, what started as a beer-fuelled snog-fest in the woods down the road was soon getting well out of hand …
All I can say is thank God I was too drunk to go any further than we did.
Holy crap.
The cold air sobered us both up just sufficiently to induce a creeping horror at what we were doing and with whom, but the booze, our rampant teen hormones and the fact that we were both hornier than a roomful of rhinos urged us on to ever more hideous excesses of clumsy, fumbling, slavering lust until (mercifully) the freezing December air - biting into bits that are not supposed to be exposed to it - prevented us just in time from discovering alcohol's hilarious and inevitable combination of increased libido and decreased ability.
What made the trauma deeper and more horrifying for us both was - having been too insensible to stray out of sight of the path - being discovered by two of our friends (Hi, Larry and Susan) whilst trying to get dressed; doing up buttons as only a pair of hopeless drunks can whilst still slobbering over one another like a particularly nasty re-make of Turner and Hooch.
It was a small town and we had a lot of mutual friends and looking back on it, that Christmas - with our desperate attempts at denial and our frenzied avoiding of one another - was pretty darned funny.
We never did date after that, out of pure shame.
Shit, it took us weeks to even LOOK at one another again!
Fortunately, the sheer stupidity of our drunken misadventure, together with our friends' constant ridicule and laughter, helped us to see the funny side.
And Mum's remark - when the gang came round our house - of "Where's Janet tonight? Have you two fallen out?"
I still wince at the memory.
Let that be a lesson to any of you who think your teenage kids are well-behaved, don't drink and aren't likely to come home pregnant.
Kids … Huh!
Young, dumb, and full of cum.
Just add booze …
Now fess up, people.
Your own "first kiss" stories.
All the gory details; all the shame and embarrassment.
You know you want to.
19 comments:
Back of the band bus...long-haired Keith the drummer...that's all I'm saying.
Robyn - do you mean to say " this one time at band camp......"?
Well done dive, fessing up on the train ride home.
I've spent the last few hours kissing the oxygen at the local mortuary, ah I mean hospital, I'm bed bound.
Goodnight people.
Hmm..first kiss was my freshman year in high school at a New Year's Eve dance. I was innocently standing by some boy from the public school (we girls from St. Lady Diana's Academy didn't usually mingle with the lowly boys in public school, we saved ourselves for the dumb ass boys from St. Peter the Erect) when someone declared that it was midnight and he grabbed me and gave me a big slobbery kiss.
Which, god forgive me, I didn't mind.
And by the way, now I keep seeing Leonard Nimoy in my head singing his Bilbo ditty and I keep laughing. I will do this in traffic on my way to pick up Liv and look totally ridiculous, I can just feel it...
I keep thinking of those girls with those ears and it keeps cracking me up....
Robyn!
Gory details are required. You don't get away with "That's all I'm saying."
Hee hee.
Kate: Goodnight, and be sure and feel a whole lot better in the morning!
XOX
Maria: An excellent fess-up. And did you really go to Lady Di's Academy? Yikes!
And those silly dancing girls on the Leonard Nimoy video are just too much. You'll have to dance like that for Bing. Hee hee.
Perhaps not!
Mine's boring. It was sophomore year at uni - with someone who turned out to be the father of all S.O.B's - also known as my ex-husband.
joy
A Pinay In England
Your Love Coach
Norwich Daily Photo
Ouch!
Those young, predatory males are nothing but trouble, Joy.
Kate, band camp is a completely different story.
First kiss! YIKES! Okay, first real kiss: I was 16. I was set up by my best friend's boyfriend who was literally a juvenile delinquent. We met up for the double date at the town mall. First kiss: behind the K-mart, leaning against a dumpster. He stuck his fat, slimy tongue in my mouth and I wanted to gag. He drooled all over my neck. He grabbed my ass clad in 1980's black jeans with bold white stitching and I said, "We should go." He asked "why." I said, "We should go! My friend will be looking for me." He argues, and I start to walk off to find my friend.
A day later, juvenile delinquent boy calls me on the phone. He tells me if I don't go out with his friend at least one more time, I will regret it. He'll do very bad things to me and my family. Yikes!!!
Dad threatens to call the police.
So much for the first kiss.
Robyn: We need to hear that story.
Katherine: Yikes! I thought I was bad enough as a teenager but this guy sounds like real trouble.
I think the Spartans had the right idea: keep the sexes separate until they reach thirty.
LOL Have you two fallen out? Ahahhaah that sounds so typical of any Mum and, sorry Mum, it's soooo embarrassing!
David. Upside down. In an old car.
Now THERE's a story that deserves more than just a synopsis, Lynn!
he he terribly innocent, actually. I was very young, about 9! We were playing in an old car my father had at the end of the garden (he had a few). We used to lay on the back seat with our legs draped over the front seats. All of a sudden he asked me to say M.L.A.R. I did. Then he kissed me, in a kind of long, sloppy way and told me i'd informed him 'my lips are rusty' and he'd oiled them. ROFL ! Weird huh. Thereby started my lifelong experience of corny chat-up lines and man-bollocks. lol ! The practise was not repeated and what i recall most was wondering how i was going to breathe whilst he was doing it.
You are a brave soul dive cofessing to this I must say. hmm let me think..my first kiss was from my mom - right on my forehead. :))
Joy - I'm ashamed of you talking like that when you are supposed to be my love coach. what kind of example are you setting here?
Hey, Rich! That's why I chose to still behave like a 'lady' by using an acronym :D And any decent love coach should have either a sordid past they've overcome or a really challenging relationship they have moved on from. :)
And Dive - I lived and learned! The hard way. But hey, believe it or not, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am the sum total of every choice I've made in my life. That's not to say I relish that episode of my existence on this planet, but it helped me to grow and 'evolve'.
joy
A Pinay In England
Your Love Coach
Okay, first peck (but we thought we were being so cool) was in a stand of trees near the beach, hiding from his mum. We were in primary school.
First open mouthed kiss - now that one has a bit more life in it. He was ten years older than me, and had stubble like sandpaper. We kissed for hours and I remember standing in my parents' bathroom the next day with this rash on my upper lip where the skin had been rubbed away thinking - Well. How the fuck do I cover that up?
I can remember going to a party in a 2 storey house.
The blokes had pulled the carpet on the stairs till the nails popped out.
When a girl in a mini-skirt climbed the stairs, the blokes would pull the carpet tight, from the bottom stair and guess what ? The rules stated that the girl who landed on you had to be kissed. The stairs and everyone ended up soaked in all manner of things.
I got the blonde but Richard owned an Austin Healey Sprite; so I took the brunette home. Next day the car door had to be re-painted because all those fluids had burnt the paint back to bare metal.
So much for the flaming first kiss, it cost me 20 quid !
From the normal, through the weird to the downright disturbing, I knew you guys wouldn't let me down.
Brilliant!
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