Seven Diddly Sins

Groover came up with this one a few days ago.
I know you're sick of memes but I couldn't give a toss.
And at least this one has a theme to it.
Sort of …

Deadly Sin numero uno: WRATH

With whom did you last get angry?
General Tan Shwe. What a fucking twat!

What is your weapon of choice?
Sarcasm. And I'm the bitch from Hell, so don't try it.
I get sick of weak-brained whingers who say "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."
Twats!
They simply don't have the wit for sarcasm.

Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
"Hit on," yes, but "Hit"? Never.

How about the same sex?
Lots.
To date - other than general contusions, I've broken one nose (sorry, Glen but you asked for that), two wrists, and an assortment of ribs. Fortunately all on other people. And all in self defence. I prefer to walk away, so if you insist on going to hospital it's your own damned fault.

Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Nobody could possibly get angry with me. I'm way too cute.

What is your pet peeve?
Evangelical Christian fuckwits.

Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I'll forgive you when I'm dead. Until then, stay the fuck away from me.


Next up: SLOTH (the sin, not the lazy-assed hairy thing that lives in trees)

What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
I was supposed to do something?
I've not yet jerked off today. But hey, it's early yet.

What is the latest you've ever woken up?
In my youth, six in the evening was not unusual. These days, because of my commute, my body clock wakes me at 4:39AM, a few seconds before my alarms go off.

Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Jesus.

What is the last lame excuse that you made?
Lame? LAME? My excuses are masterpieces of creative genius.

Actually, the last excuse I made was the absolute truth … it just sounded like an excuse:
I popped in to see the lovely Doctor Amanda last week to pick up a new form to take to the hospital for my regular chest X-ray.
She said "Didn't I give you one of those already?"
To which I could only (and truthfully) reply: I had some friends over the other week and their kid had been playing in the dirt so they asked if the little tyke could have a quick bath.
"Sure", I said and made a quick run into the village shop for some milk (I don't usually keep any in the house but when tea drinkers turn up unexpectedly …).
When I got back, they were all outside on the lawn, happily playing, so I walked into the kitchen to find they had turned on the bath taps and forgotten about them.
The bathroom was flooded and so was the kitchen underneath.
I quickly switched off the electricity as the light fittings were fizzing and shorting, then grabbed a mop and bucket.
The first thing they knew about it was when I carried the ruined and dripping bathroom carpet outside and dumped it on the driveway. They were somewhat mortified, but I was too busy with damage limitation to get angry with them.
Anyhoo, my X-ray form had been in the letter rack in the kitchen and was now a squishy lump with some smears on that might once have been writing. Hence the excuse.

I used to have a rule before I went soft: "No Kids, Dogs or Smokers in the house".
That rule is now reinstated, though I should probably add "No Fucking Stupid Parents", too.
It took two weeks to get rid of the stink of damp "stuff between the floorboards". Plus all the redecorating and new carpets.

Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Not knowingly. What the fuck is an infomercial?

How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning?
My alarm clocks don't have snooze buttons. There are two of the spiteful little bastards and they lurk in the far corners of my bedroom so that when they go off at 4:40AM every weekday morning I have to get out of bed to shut them up.


Aha! A personal favourite: GLUTTONY

What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Shizuoka sen-cha. The real deal. See yesterday's post.

Are you a meat eater?
Nope. I was veggie for decades before it all ended in tears one mad night in a sushi bar.
I'll cook meat for carnivorous visitors, but only good, local organic meat. I'll occasionally eat it to be polite, but not through choice. Seafood I am totally addicted to.

What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting?
There's no way I could possibly answer that as I would have had no recollection of it the next day. The closest I can get is "a lot". A fucking lot!

Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits?
If I'm sitting in a nice chair, yes.
I eat and drink what the hell I like.

Do you enjoy candy and sweets?
Only Green and Black's organic chocolate.
And occasionally those dark chocolate coated coffee beans you get in coffee shops. Addictive little bastards, those.

Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods?
Spicy. No contest. I'm a chili-eating demon!

Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"?
I am so totally with Vic on this one. I tend to think "DIE, you little fucker!"
Small children are only good for one thing. To find out what that is you'll need to rummage in my very first month's posts.
Small yappy-type lap dogs have no discernible use whatsoever, except perhaps to give me a good laugh at their owners' expression when I tread on the little fuckers (it was an accident! Honest!) … though terriers are exempt from treading as they make me giggle.
Cats are groovy.
Fish are delicious.
Hamsters and gerbils are only fun if you have the cardboard tube from the inside of a toilet roll and Richard Gere to hand.

Another doozy: GREED

How many credit cards do you own?
None.

If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Wait until the dollar/pound exchange rate gets back to normal, then buy sterling.
At the moment, a million dollars would buy around one and a half peanuts in England.
When George stops fucking his economy with warmongering perhaps we can have a bit of sanity again.

Would you rather be rich or famous?
Rich. He's a handsome chap.
Nobody in their right mind would want to be famous. Just look at all the Z-List "celebrities" out there and count their brain cells.

Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks?
No way. The one important thing I've learned in forty-eight years is how lucky I am to be doing a job I love. Of course, the fact that it pays ludicrously well is no hardship.


Look out, here comes : PRIDE

What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of?
I'm not telling you that. I could get into a lot of trouble.

What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
They loved my music. Mum still does.

What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?
Dying would be nice.
A messy, comedy death that people can have a good giggle at.

Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
I always win. What a fucking stupid question.

Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Every time.

Have you ever cheated to get a better score?
No. I never play anything I'm not going to win. Duh!

What did you do today that you're proud of?
Lived through this much of it.


Ah. Inevitably we must touch (quiveringly) on: LUST

How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)?
Shee-it! Too many!
Probably the worst was on a beach in Portugal. I was laying there with some friends, chatting and eating when a fat, ugly, elderly German couple came and plonked their disgusting naked bodies right in front of us and the woman lay down and opened her legs.
I couldn't eat for days.

How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)?
If I'm allowed band and theatre dressing rooms or beaches, then probably hundreds. If not, then God only knows. I like being naked.

Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation?
Of course I have. All the time!

What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?
Neck and shoulders.

Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons?
No. It's hard enough to persuade just one person to let me touch 'em without pressing charges.
Unless of course communal penis and boob sculpture sessions and chocolate starfish and camel toe contests in band dressing rooms counts. When you've spent several hours a night locked in a tiny room with the same people over a period of years it is startling what diversions you can come up with.
Some of that exists on video but no fucking way is it going on to YouTube.

Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Many times. My old car park was in a red light district.
And way back in the early eighties, my band used to rehearse in a building at the end of King Street in Norwich. We got really chummy with a bunch of the working girls who used to congregate there. They were great fun and lovely people.
It's a crap way to earn a crust though, so I've never indulged; I like the girls too much.


And bringing up the rear: ENVY

What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
That's easy: Mikey's rubber Gojira.

Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
I have no idea what that is.

If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be?
Mrs. Trellis of North Wales (only Lynn and Phil will appreciate that one).

Have you ever been cheated on?
Nope. Rejected and humiliated, sure, but not cheated on. At least so they've claimed.

Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
I wish my body hadn't grown old. Other than that; no.

What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
None. The whole world sucks ass except me and my girl …
Oh, and you lot, too.


What deadly sin...
Do you do the most often? Gluttony. I'm a fat hog.

Do you do the least often? Wrath. I'm a pussy-cat.

Is your favorite to act on? What kind of fucking stupid question is that? DUH!