I'm Right; It's The World That's Wrong

Fuck!
It's December!
Who left the door open and let that bastard in here?
Brrr …

Anyway; bollocks to December, let's talk crap instead.

You know I'm a BBC Radio 3 man; I loathe television. I've spent most of my life without one and am going to bin the bloody thing again when they switch off the analogue signal in a year or two.
Television has now dumbed down to the extent that my brain actually seizes if I sit in front of it for more than a few minutes.
It's only once or twice every decade or so that the idiot box throws up something that's worth the effort of switching it on and pointing my eyes at it.
To date we've had The Simpsons, Frasier and the sublime Buffy from the States, and Black Books, Green Wing and Q.I. from Brit TV; all of which I have on DVD and can watch on my Mac, so I don't really need a telly any more, as there's fuck-all else on.

Anyhoo, loath as I am to quote from a TV programme, Q.I. last night made me forget that it is December and that Christmas misery looms, when quizmaster and world's sexiest man Stephen Fry asked what the middle initial stood for in Ulysses S. Grant and Dara O'Briain suggested that it might be "Sugar-tits". I'm still suffering the giggly aftershocks of that one.

Ah, if only the world worked like that … sigh …
It would certainly explain why the old curmudgeon looks so grumpy on all those civil war photographs.
Annoyingly - as any fule kno - he was born Hiram Ulysses Grant and the S. stood for absolutely nothing; he changed his name to stop children pointing out that his initials spelled "hug" - a huge embarrassment for a curmudgeon; although it had the further effect of forcing Robert E. Lee to retaliate with a middle initial of his own (which stood for Emily, though this was later covered up by revisionist historians).

All of which nonsense leads - somewhat confusingly - to the tiny alternate reality that is the Small Glass Planet.
Inside my head, deep in the world of Dive, Ulysses Sugar-tits Grant is now a real historical character and this goes a long way toward explaining the result of the civil war. What soldier wouldn't fight like a devil and happily lay down his life for a man named Sugar-tits? I know I would.

And it also leads - even more circuitously - to the list of other delightful things that I consider are real and the rest of the world is wrong about.

Way back in the swirling mists of time, when the Small Glass Planet was still a primordial soup of rants and strangeness I used to append a "Today's Fact" to the end of each post.
Robyn - who had been rather unwisely delving into the murky and fœtid pismire of my archives - reminded me of these and suggested I start doing it again.

Being a lazy-arsed git and not really wanting the bother of having to think up new ones, here are some of those old "facts".
These can safely be used to enhance your dinner party conversations or to tell to small children. They are the way the world should work.
Some of these are true in your world; all of them are true in mine:

Up until 1919, every fifth US President was left-handed.

Wood only floats when people are looking.

The Portuguese have no word for gravy.

If a pregnant woman strokes a pig, there is a thirty-seven percent chance her child will be born short-sighted (Statistical Bureau of the USA).

In the northern hemisphere, a freewheeling bicycle will naturally veer slightly to the left; in the southern hemisphere, to the right.

Photocopiers are intrinsically evil.

All cats are born with an innate sense of rhythm.

Every biscuit has an immortal soul.

The number "four" cannot be added to, subtracted from, multiplied by or divided by any other number.

The Bedouin have only one word for sand.

Shoes are an invention of the devil.

The rennet used in the manufacture of Limburger cheese is distilled from the tears of little orphans.

Washing a German can cure hiccups.

Walking backwards actually reverses time (try it)!

Gold is actually a vegetable.

Blancmange is the suckle of Beelzebub.

Puffins cannot sneeze.

Shredded Wheat is not made from wheat, but is actually the cocoon of a large, crunchy moth.

As men get older, their dancing becomes more sexually alluring. To what, however, is still a mystery.

Krakatoa is, in fact, quite a long way west of Java.

Before crossing the road in Norway, you must rub yourself against the nearest building.

Beetroot juice can be used to remove minor stains from upholstery.

Never, EVER, look up!

All goldfish are called Bob (just ask 'em).

So now you know. I hope that has been of some use to you. At least it may make my world a little less baffling to you.
Your world certainly baffles me …