Effusive thanks emanate from the Divery and gush somewhat messily all over a certain Blogville neighbour (who had probably better remain anonymous for reasons that should become apparent) who forwarded to me an article from The Noo Yawk Times called "What Do Women Want?"
My long term blogpals and lurkers will know that this is a question that has seriously vexed me for millennia and the lack of a decent answer to it has rendered me an undateable born-again virgin.
Inevitably, the article is no help whatsoever, but it did provide me with the best knob gag I have heard in quite some time.
Are people in the US not aware that "knob" is a euphemism for "penis"? Apparently not the researcher in this article, to my profound glee.
Anyhoo … peruse the article at your leisure. It contains some major mirth.
F'rinstance: Does anyone out there know what a plethysmograph is?
Do any of you actually have such a thing tucked away in a drawer?
I was not at all surprised to read that said contraption was invented by the clichéd "German professor" but you shall have to read the article to discover just what one does with one's plethysmograph, hopefully in the privacy of one's own home.
It also tickled me that the researcher was described as being "full of scientific exuberance." What a lovely phrase! Now I know why President Obama wants to bring science back to the USA.
The best piece in the article, however, has to be this wonderful knob gag:
""What women want is a real dilemma," she said. Earlier, she showed me, as a joke, a photograph of two control panels, one representing the workings of male desire, the second, female, the first with only a simple on-off switch, the second with countless knobs."
As a typical male (a person equipped with but a single "knob") I now feel utterly inadequate, but at least I now understand why women fill their bedroom drawers with various battery-powered contraptions such as "rabbits" and Boston Startlers.
And I now feel a little better about never getting dates; I would hate to get as far as the bedroom to be confronted with a disappointed wail of "you only have ONE?"
Toodle-pipski, smut fans.
19 comments:
Haha, love the review of this article. The American population probably need to watch more Monty Python, Are You Being Served and other British assorted Comedy.
Oh and as a side note, no I do not have a plethysmographs >_>
I do hope that President Obama does help their education system, maybe it might help ours since the Australian system is looking more and more like the American system.
Boz.
Nice to see you over here, Boz.
Well done for spotting that the Boston Startler was from Python.
The plethysmograph is, however, even more startling.
Ha ha ha! Will have to read the article later, Dive.
Frankly, the Jack Rabbbit and other duelies scare me.
Advice to parents: when I was a tween, my friend found a dildo in her mother's drawer. Either hide your toys well or at least buy something that doesn't resemble the real thing (or knob).
Hee hee, Katherine!
Kids will always find things they are not meant to.
Snigger.
And it is just so easy. Women just want to be loved, the same as men.
I have to agree with Maria - so simple yet sometimes difficult to do. Have to admit that I've never heard of a Boston whatever it was. :)
I think if we adjust the spelling, we can change plethysmographs into something like "Pleasumographs". This might be somthing marketable for your knobs!
Dive: I haven't heard any good knob gags recently (well, none fit to print), but I did hear a good music joke last night:
"Knock-knock. Who's there? Knock-knock. Who's there. Knock-knock. Who's there? ... Philip Glass."
Apologies to those who've heard it before, don't get it, or think it's profoundly unfunny. I laughed.
BTW, this is what happens when you get me foraging among my early music CDs:
http://ishotfridakahlo.blogspot.com/2009/01/lever-of-suffering-can-be-also-be.html
Which is to say, thank you.
Ha - what a riot! I bought the Sunday NY Times and this is the cover story in the Magazine. I figured this to be some sort of Cosmo-style fluff piece so I just tossed it into the pile of unread Magazines (I'm currently reading the one from July '08). But now that I know it has scientific words in it like plethysmograph, I guess I'll just have to read it.
I must say that you're quite the master of switching easily from the pious to the profane. What happens if I read this article while listening to a Stabat Mater?
Maria: I understand that women want to be loved; it's just that none of them want to be loved by me, dammit!
Hey ho.
Hi, Mme! Nice to see you back. The Boston Startler was an "aid for the older European gentleman" dreamed up by Graham Chapman of the Pythons. It involved a large lever and a spring as well as more obviously anatomical parts and would have definitely startled!
Neetzy: My old knob has been unused for so many millennia that plugging it into a "pleasurograph" would probably kill me.
Lucio: Hee hee hee! I LOVE the Philip Glass joke! And your musical response is simply beautiful.
Katie: We Godless Heathens are mercifully exempt from divine retribution - Heaven, Hell and indeed God with His big red SMITE button only existing inside the deluded minds of the Godbotherers - so we can safely giggle at the article's descriptions of chimpanzee porn and vaginal probes while listening to sacred music.
President Obama even made it official!
Yay!
Ok I went back and dutifully read..well, most of it. lol. It's not exactly the sort of reading material which graces my coffee table Dive but hey ho I gave it a shot online. It was indeed a hoot. I have to take issue with their findings in that I don't find watching Apes in any way stimulating...:)
Ah, that's what all the women said, Lynn; in stark contrast to their plethysmograph readings. Hee hee.
I think I'm going to change my dating strategy and buy a chimp suit.
Yes I read that too, Dive, but seriously: don't do that. LOL.
I read the first page of the article but I was too turned on to go any further. I have worked to do today. I'll read the rest tonight.
I'd like to email you an article from the New York Times about funny English town names, and I'm not just talkin' North Piddle. I don't have your email address but if I may, please email me at pb (at) petrea burchard (dot) com.
the nyt seems to be the latest source for stand up comedy! like petrea, i thought of you when i read the article about place names in the uk...and then the number of books about the same subject! xoxo
(thanks for the kind words, sugar!)
Lynn: I shall take your sage advice.
Petrea: Hee hee hee and hee again! Your first line just cracked me up. Excellent!
Ah … English place names. You are talking to a man who lives not far from Six Mile Bottom and who walks to work along (brace yourself) Gropecunte Lane.
I just downloaded the Crapstone and Butt Hole article and I'll peruse it on the train tomorrow. Hee hee.
My personal favourite is a white granite standing stone on the Shetland Islands about halfway from the airport to Lerwick. It is called the "White Stane of Willie", Stane being Norse for Stone and Willie being … well … you get the picture.
Savannah: We do appreciate inappropriateness over here. We are also very silly, so our place names tend to reflect that.
Time to discover Georges Brassens,
French poèt singer and listen to "the gorilla"!!! Please,let's go
Ah! Ah!
Gropecunte Lane? Was no one thinking?
Well. I'm no longer saying "tiddley poo." From now on my favorite expression is "Titty Ho."
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