Grin … Grin like the fools you are, Amanda fans!
Yes, she of hardcore lesbian action, Santa suit , a million pairs of slutty shoes and drunken purchaser of Europe's entire supply of yoghurt is back and on splendid form.
Let us whisk ourselves back in time to last Friday and stand around the watercooler in the departmental kitchen while Amanda struggles to open a jar of peanut butter and Old Dive chivalrously mocks her transatlantic comestibles while expertly whipping the lid off for her.To her query as to what could possibly be more healthy than a peanut butter and banana sandwich I laughingly suggested "Why not go the whole fat hog and make deep-fried peanut-butter, banana and chocolate sandwiches?"
The expression of pure ecstatic joy that spread across her face was surpassed only by the high-pitched squealing and jumping up and down.
Try as I might to tell her "No! Amanda! No! For the love of all that is decent in the world, DON'T DO IT!", my pleas fell on deaf ears.
With tiresome predictability she greeted me this morning with the sickening news that she and her daughter had stood around the deep fat fryer in her kitchen at the weekend and gorged themselves hideously on a calorific catastrophe that would have gagged even Elvis.
According to her gleeful description, the pair of shrieking harpies hoisted their prey clear of the fryer, cheap cooking fat spattering everywhere and fell on the disgustingly dripping coagulated mess, ripping, snarling, biting and rending in a fit of frenzied fat-lust that would have caused watching hyenas to turn away in disgust.
And then they made and consumed several more …
Amanda - as regular followers of her antics know - is a bear of little brain and she used the few, lard-addled synapses she has at her disposal to figure that today - as there is no deep fat fryer in the departmental kitchen - she would simply make the sandwiches during her morning coffee break and then somehow force them squidgily into the toaster …
And then she got distracted by her mobile phone, wandered away and promptly forgot about them …
The resulting stench of burning peanut butter, chocolate and banana from the mess stuck fast in the smoking toaster wafted along the corridor from the kitchen and caused the evacuation of the entire building when it reached the smoke alarm.
So there we stood in the rain for bloody ages, watching the hunky firemen pose for the weemen before being allowed back indoors.
After which nobody would go near the second floor for twenty minutes except of course "the man with no sense of smell".
I opened all the windows to a freezing, rainy February Monday and let the gale blow papers, files and the fœtid stench of burning Elvis halfway across London.
It is immensely difficult to give an employee a stern dressing-down when we are both giggling like idiots and then collapsing on the floor and rolling around laughing our flabby arses off.
Sigh … What would we do without her?
24 comments:
I love the caption but the story is even better. Perhaps it might be easier if Amanda sticks to Mars bars in future, eaten with a banana in alternate bights, while in the office. At home, she can pop the Mars bars into the deep fryer.
Hee, hee!
Love the photo btw. :)
Now I have the rather gross image of a weighty, comically wobbly Amanda dressed in a sparkly, Elvis-style jump suit on continuous replay in my I-should-really-be-thinking-about-something-else mind. :0
As you would say, Dive - hey ho.
Very funny.
I used to own a deep fat fryer. Bing finally wore me down by constantly making disparaging remarks about it and I got rid of it.
But, I do so miss the toasted ravioli that I used make in there....
Poor Amanda. I'm sure she doesn't intentionally try to be this hysterically funny, but I'm so glad she is, because this story is such a hoot! And of course you tell it so well. I say you really must keep her around the office, otherwise it would be a dull dull place indeed. Too bad you didn't have your camera handy to take photos of the hunky firemen though.
I'm with Katie on the hunky firemen.
You will certainly miss Amanda when and if she decides to move on from your office.
(So will we, your loyal readers)!
Ya know what? I think Amanda would be live entertainment if one were stranded on a deserted island. Just my opinion. Life would be quite boring if we didnt have randy people like Amanda in it. But then you know I have always been a fan of hers and her somewhat wild antics. I love bawdy women, especially if said bawdy woman is a Brit.
Mme: I still can't believe she made the awful things, let alone ate them!
Women! Sheesh!
Lucio: that is an image that greets me every day at the office. Actually, she's usually dressed worse than that.
Maria: that is too gross even for me!
Hee hee. Hoorah for Bing!
Katie: Luckily Amanda sees the funny side of herself and so do we, so we shall not bve firing her any time yet.
Next time we get thrown out of the building for a fire alert I shall take the camera and grab some firemen for you.
Neetzy: It is great having Amanda around but sometimes we do yearn for peace, quiet and sanity.
Have I told you she keeps tarantulas as pets? She is as weird as they come.
Mark: she certainly is bawdy. Hee hee. If she didn't hate cold weather so much I'd box her up and post her to Minnesota for you.
Surely you knew she'd like that combination. She is the same Amanda who bought 100 cartons of banana choco flake yogurt a few months ago.
BTW, Dive dear, I think of you every morning in the shower. OK - not you, exactly...but the image you painted of an ex-girlfriend with gritty bits of black crud in her navel haunts me daily as perform my toilette. Wish I could un-ring that bell.
Hee hee.
I like Amanda.
What indeed? I am certainly a fan of Amanda's. Does she know? Has she any idea of her impending fame?
I love the whole story Dive, it was a delight to read. I am only amazed that people own deep fat friers. I wouldn't have one in the house! Ugh. I'd have eaten the peanut butter and choc sandwich as it came though.
Very funny to think of you all during this slight interruption to your no doubt busy working day. When DO you get any work done actually, in between things like this and wading through Amanda's discarded wardrobe? Oh...and ...um...are there any jobs going? I might fit in rather well. :)
Yes WHERE was your allegiance to us, Dive, in forgetting to take shots of the firemen?
Perhaps it's about time Amanda penned a blog of her own? I'd love to read it!
Lulu: you got me momentarily excited reading that, but then you had to go and qualify it with the belly button thing.
Sigh …
Lucio: I'll bet she'd like you, too. Be warned!
Lynn: Our heroine has a good idea of what goes on over here but she's a good sport.
There are always jobs going. We have a legal department so keep an eye on the sits vac.
As for a self-penned blog, I am afraid she spends all her time partying and regretting it and trying not to let her daughter run rings round her (with no success whatsoever).
There are many more tales I could tell but I am too much of a gentleman (ha).
That sounds gorgeous! The peanut butter sandwich, I mean. I do love peanut butter on my bananas! And as you know, Pinoys fry bananas.
Hey, didn't you take photos of the firefighters for me?!
Glad your Monday was fun!
I said it to Amanda and I'll say it to you, too, Joy: "For the love of all that's decent in the world, DON'T DO IT!"
That is a sandwich too far.
What is it with weemen and firemen?
Nah, I only like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or peanut butter on my bananas :D
Do you remember that day we had a few false alarms at work? Man! Those firefighters were just gorgeous! They were fit, had nice teeth and eyes, and I wouldn't have minded being fireman lifted by any of them!
Every office needs an Amanda - they break up the daily routine that is for certain.
Oh...and ask Amanda if I can have a copy of that DVD!
Dive, what on earth would prompt you to even mention such a thing around that twit? This is all your fault.
And when she dies of arteries clogged with fried bananas disease, or burns herself to a crisp in a deep fat fryer debacle, that will be your fault, too.
i had to read this again just for the laughs, sugar! xoxox
Whew Dive!! She is quite the bundle of fun! You've got to have at least one person like this to keep the office stories flowing properly. Poor lassie. I've done a few embarrassing and highly laughable things myself when I was well...younger. Fortunately no blogs were around then. Nuff said.
As for fryers....no no never at my house. But, I can be seen shoving fried food in my mouth double fisted once and a while. Just don't try to sneak a creature from the sea in on me!! teehee
Yes every office needs an Amanda and every girl needs a fireman.
Well, Dive, it's the uniform. The strength. The presence. The specialist knowledge. The protective stance. The rescue. The lift oh the lift. The manliness. The sheer handsomosityness of them. Ok..I've lost it...
Peanut butter … Eww.
Sorry, joy but it's too sticky and too icky.
Firemen! Ha!
Shazza, I think some of the guys (and girls) made copies but I certainly didn't so I won't be posting extracts.
Sorry 'bout that. Hee hee.
T: I have spent the past fifty years asking for trouble and I'm not changing now.
I'm rather hoping she'll explode like Mister Creosote.
Savannah, as usual you make me smile.
xoxox
Shan: We NEED to hear about the embarrassing and laughable antics you used to get up to.
As for fried food, might I tempt you with peanut butter coated baby octopus?
OW!
Sorry. Hee hee.
Lynn: It's the hose, isn't it? Come on; be honest. Most firemen ain't pretty but they come well equipped.
hee hee. burning Elvis.
Peanut butter and bananas are good—no need for frying or chocolate or even toasters. Hmmm. Nutella and bananas would probably be great!
Post a Comment