Hey ho.
I had intended writing a piece on how derivative, uninspiring and blah modern rock music has become (after Lynn pointed me at Amy Winehouse yesterday) and how there's nothing around today that hasn't been done before, usually many times and always better …
Shit! These people can't even take drugs properly.
But then I got talking with Mikey about the new Lara Croft game coming out later this month and - as usually happens when anyone talks to Mike - the conversation went a little sideways and things got progressively weirder until he suddenly came up with a brilliant idea to stop wives and girlfriends moaning about all the time blokes spend watching Lara Croft's ass wiggle on their game consoles.
Something to get weemen interested in video games.
If only we could develop this in time for Christmas …
Mad Mike, in association with "Women! Know Your Place!" Productions, brings you: "Virtual Housework" for the PS3 or the Wii.
Make your laydee-partner feel fulfilled and needed for £39.99!
While you're playing with Lara Croft, your wife / girlfriend can be doing the real housework.
Then, when you've had enough of guns and boobs, hand your spouse the controller and plug her into Virtual Housework!
See her face light up as she is presented with room after virtual room, each coated with a thin layer of dust and grime, all ready to delight her.
Watch her hone her cleaning skills as the difficulty levels mount up!
Starting with just a dusty bookshelf things soon get tough.
Polish that cutlery, wench!
Make those glasses shine!
Can she clean Buckingham Palace before the Queen comes home expecting her dinner on the table?
Oh, no! The corgis have trodden muddy footprints all over the floor!
Come on, woman! Get your mop out and go for it!
What thrills! What wild, womanly excitement!
If you use the Wii controller she can slim down those flabby hips and shape up that fat arse while she's dusting, vacuuming and polishing in a fabulous fantasy world of grime.
What women could resist such a wonderful concept?
Go on! Show her you love her this Christmas; buy her Virtual Housework!
er …
29 comments:
I think you and Mike had ought to hide because you will soon have an onslaught of women at your doorsteps ready to tar and feather the both of you.
Yup. I had the feeling this one would land me in the doodoo.
I can never resist a good slap from a pretty woman.
Hee hee.
Well. I know my place and it certainly isn't where you imagine, Dive. LOL. Very funny piece, however. I have this image of a masochistic you, bent over right now, bare bottom exposed and just dying for the door bell to ring, on this virtual house of yours, by your female readers. I will not subscribe to such blatant desire for flagalation. I might have to stamp my little woman feet though as my woman brain is taking it hard to take in the intellectual content of the piece.
By the way, even though you're not a DPer, let's see your bookshelves. Can't wait to see the pristine line-up of leather-bound classics, which have 'Do not open or read these pages, for fear of damage' written on the cards, attached to the spines by non-marking tape, natch. :)
finding it, not taking it. Pah! Women brain overload. Sorry. Please pardon my very presence.
Dive I think you almost have a winner here, but for absolutely free I'll give you the tweak that will both please women and the men who want to see their women want to take the wiu controls and work off that little extra jiggle. Thanks to Lynn's post yesterday, I've had this idea on the brain, and now you've given me the perfect place to apply it!
The characters in your housecleaning wii game will be all MEN! Women can pick different men, in different states of undress, and manipulate THEM into cleaning the house! I bet it would sell like hotcakes. Ok, gotta get my butt out of bed (I'll leave it unmade) and find coffee!
Hee hee, Lynn!
You've come up with a winner of an idea.
Complete each level in Virtual Housework and you get to spank me and Mikey (virtually).
Your womanly presence is pardoned. Especially as you've got me out of writing a post tomorrow; I'll simply photograph my bookshelves.
Fun!
Woohoo, Katie! Yet another great idea!
Can we be dressed up in French maids' uniforms?
Er … not that I've ever … ahem
And make your bed, young lady!
he he Katie. You are STILL the only person to have noticed that on my post. Giggle. In secret. In a girly way. These little things please our tiny minds so much don't they. Ahhh, the pretty little morsels of amusement which enrich our lives, Katie, when we are not embroidering tablecloths and darning our men's socks....sigh...
Oh by the way, I've given the heads-up to Mme. She should be arriving shortly. Brace yourself.
I'll bend over.
Darn I have to leave for my hair appointment; I'd love to be here when Mme arrives!
Dive you can wear whatever you want in the Virtual Housework For Men game! Hey, if you're into French maid's outfits, who am I to judge. Whatever gets the house clean! Maybe I should try that; my place has been a mess since I got back. I guess two weeks of "jetlag" is a bit much.
Lynn I can't believe no one else noticed that magazine on your shelf! There were plenty of interesting articles too!
I'd be quite willing to let my other half play computer games for days on end if I could spend the time mud wrestling with Aiden Gillen and Gary Oldman (preferably at the same time). Bollocks to housework.
lol Betty's last line. Love it.
Katie yes the magazine had some titillating little items for my woman brain. It was a wonderful accompaniment to my knitting.
Dive you are relentless "Complete each level in Virtual Housework and you get to spank me and Mikey (virtually)." You even imagine this as some sort of prize for US! Believe me darling, the pleasure would be all yours. lol I'm loving this post. Unfortunately I have to work soon, photography shoot. Oh er I mean I'm taking my little camera out to take some snaps of flowers and cute animals and suchlike. Back later! Giggle coquettishly...
Katie: I hate to gross everyone out but in the summer I do the housework nekkid (the advantage of living in the middle of nowhere).
Betty: I wish I could say bollocks to housework but the bloody chores don't do themselves and I can't afford Gary Oldman's rates for ironing.
Lynn: I have a cute and decidedly spankable ass. It is my best feature … coquettish, even.
I can never resist a good slap from a pretty woman.
Hee hee.
no.
(you know i love you, sugar! xoxox)
I think I'll take your word for it, Dive ;)
Don't worry, Katie, you won't miss Mme. It's 3 in the morning where she is. I can bet she'll be here hotfooting after she has toiled in serving her husband breakfast in bed though, and before she sweeps through the house with a feather duster.
Huh?
As I washed the dishes this morning, I felt like smashing them. Hate housework. Good thing my significant other does his share.
Oh, for the love of God.
Maybe there can be a man's version that says things like, "hurry, iron those tea towels. Put your elbows into, you lazy slob." hee hee
Savannah: Hee hee!
xoxox
Lynn: Hasn't Mme told you? MB does all of the chores.
Hee hee. I'm in trouble now.
Joy" Washing up is nice and therapeutic.
Having said that I sometimes wish I had a dishwasher.
Robyn: Ha! You lazy weemen who don't iron tea towels, bedlinen and boxer shorts … sigh … How can you possibly get into a wrinkly bed? Or hang wrinkly towels? Or expect a man to wear wrinkly boxers?
Sheesh!
O.M.G. Dive. lol! I reckon you WILL be in big trub.
I'll sit this one out,dive. You're certainly out numbered.
good luck!
he he Rich's comment made me laff. Shouting "Good luck!" over his shoulder as he scarpers out of the way. Don't blame him lol.
Rich is a wise man, Lynn.
'Virtual Housework for the PS3 or the Wii' - Actually on that note, there is something like this in the Nintendo DS, can't remember what it was called, but there was an uproar about it hehe...
Boz.
Ah, there's nothing new in the world.
Dive,
First of all, I love Katie's game idea. Second of all, where on earth do you get off thinking that women like to clean? My mother was a cleaning fanatic, but that gene did not get passed on to me. I would love to see half nekkid men in thongs and feather dusters puttering about my kitchen. I wouldn't care about their physiques! BTW, Daughter A wants to design video games for women.
Well it seems that I'm late. My excuse is that I was cleaning the house - true!! I vacuumed very thoroughly then wet dusted everything; changed the sheets, rearranged things, fed the cats, cut some flowers and put them in vases all over the house. Thought to myself - the blogworld will just have to wait while I dust and polish. I DID NOT IRON. MB ironed his own shirt (Yeehah!!) and he mowed the grass down the driveway and he vacuumed two rooms of the house.
I've heard of Wii but I've never seen it or used it. I've never played a video game. Our only TV runs without a remote at the moment so I guess I'm a bit behind the times but I rather like the idea of wiggling my ass like Lara Croft. Apparently I have quite a nice ass and I would certainly like to lose some weight so, I'm up for it Dive! Get me one of those Wii things and MB can do the housework and I'll be the one watching Lara Croft!
Hi, Neetzy.
In my own experience women HATE to clean and I am always left to do it; the old misogynist view no longer applies (though it is still a useful tool for raising female ire … hee hee).
As for pottering about the kitchen naked, I still occasionally make the mistake in summer of cooking sans pinny with all the consequent jumping around and yelling that entails.
Hoorah for Daughter A! I hope she is successful.
Hee hee, Mme! MB ironing! Scrivens Do you realise the damage he is doing to the Australian male psyche? Sheesh!
You certainly do have a nice ass! I dread to think what the consequences might be for MB's health should you dress up as Lara Croft and shimmy and wriggle your way around the house.
Yikes!
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