"The Only Good Meme" Redux

Yesterday's meme reminded me of the only truly entertaining (and occasionally slightly sinister) meme I have ever filled in, which I purloined from my lovely VPA, 外人ガールさん。
As this was so long ago that only our original reprobate blog gang got to play with it I will resurrect it here for the newbies.

These are actually my original answers to the meme, but reading through them I find I cannot possibly improve on them, so they stay.

And in the same way that bands release "Greatest Hits" packages that include a few "previously unreleased" tracks to force you to buy the stupid things, I have inserted a few "previously unasked" questions to force those who have done this one already to revisit it.

I know; memes are boring and I'm a bastard, but what else are you gonna do on a Sunday? Go to church? Visit family? Surf for porn?
Fill in the meme. You want to because you are weak …

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Me.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Bono. Can I do it now, please?

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Tony Blair.

4. What is your favourite cheese?

Stilton or smegma (easy to confuse the two).

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

Stilton and mango chutney, toasted on half a baguette. Mmmm …

6. You, Elvis and Princess Diana (yeah, I know they both smell a bit now but you'd still give 'em one; right?) are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wastes with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?

Diana, because she was a pathetic, loathsome, self-serving imbecile and (even if by marriage only) a member of our hated and parasitical so-called "Royal" family.
Plus, she can't sing like the King.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Is Marge Simpson a movie celebrity? If not, then Akiko Wakabayashi from "You Only Live Twice".

8. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

Any member of Morning Musume (actually, ALL of 'em).

9. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

Unwisely.

10. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Harajuku, Tokyo. For the weemen …

11. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

Eat whale sashimi (again).

12. Your dream date. Who, where and why?

Wednesday Addams. In a graveyard. Because that's the way I am.

13. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?

It's gotta be a top Islay malt, probably cask strength Talisker as I've only got a little left in the cupboard.

14. Okay; girls and gay guys stand over here; guys and lesbians over there (I know and love my readership) …
Girls and gay guys first: You're in bed with Marilyn Monroe, Doris Day and Salma Hayek. Who's gonna be the lucky girl? (you're only allowed one).
And similarly, guys and lesbians: You're in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman and Johnny Depp. Who's gonna be the lucky guy? (again, you're only allowed one).
Give your reasons.

Much as I fancy Johnny Depp, it's gotta be Newman … For the eyes and the free salad dressing.

15. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-travelling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you travelling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

I'd go back to Biblical Jerusalem and bribe Pilate to let Jesus off.
Then I'd tell Jesus about all the shit that's been done in His and His Dad's names so he'd tell the disciples he was only joking about the son of God bit and then slope off with Mary Magdalen and run a nightclub.

16. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Women must not wear denim skirts or jackets (ick).

17. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?

It's called "I'm A Celebrity, Beat The Crap Out Of Me" and stars every "celebrity" on the planet.
Every episode, a bunch of 'em are brutally beaten and tortured for twenty minutes in front of a live audience, then put to death in amusing ways by cute Japanese girls in bikinis.
You just GOT to love a show like that!

18. What is your favorite curse word?

Arse!

19. You have a choice of two doors, one of which you MUST go through; the first leads to a roomful of spiders, the second to a roomful of clowns. Which is it to be?

Spiders. they're cute.

20. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object (that's "inanimate" … leave your kids to burn; you know you want to). So what’s the item?

My old Les Paul. No contest.

21. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Start wanking. An endless supply of tissue paper must be standing there for a reason.

22. You have George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden locked in a small room together. It's airtight so both the fuckers are gonna suffocate anyway, but what amusing weapon do you give them to make it more entertaining?

Handbags and a jello-wrestling pit.

23. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Kill everybody else on the planet.

24. Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?

None. I blog naked. Be thankful my webcam is off.

25. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?

I already have a somewhat awesome Superpower (it's about halfway down this post).

26. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Judith Flaxman. 1977. Just about any half hour. Mmmmmm … Nuff said.

27. Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment number eleven is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?

"Only kidding! Go on; enjoy yourselves!"

28.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Most of the first forty-eight years.

29. Rufus reappears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who's gonna get it?

A pretty, dark-haired girl standing in the Loaves and Fishes pub in Beccles in the late seventies, who turned me down with the excellent line "Piss off, creep."
SPLAT!

30. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-travelling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now?

Japan.

31. What part of your body would you change (no, you are NOT perfect; you gotta answer this one) and why?

Everything from the waist up. Below it I'm Johhny Depp; above it I'm the elephant man.

32. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

Rick's Bar in Casablanca or Moes' Bar from the Simpsons … It's gotta be Moe's; I hate nazis.

33. What's the last thing you ate?

An oat bar.

34. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?

Jesus. Then we'll do the helium balloon voice thing and scare the shit out of the disciples.

35. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead celebrity of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

No celebrity is worth bringing back to life.

36. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, once again Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Nobody. Life sucks. They're better off dead.

37. What’s your theme song?

Prayer To God by Shellac.

38 When did you last have sex?

Sometime in the Cretaceous era.

39. Buffy, Willow or Xander?

Willow; every time.

40. Who’s up next?

All of you who've not yet done this meme and any of the old gang who fancy giving it another go.