The reason I'm telling you this is that I use British Telecom (an anagram of Besmirch Toilet), who are the most incompetent company in the known universe and probably for quite some distance beyond.
Like the almost equally cack-faced BBC, they don't acknowledge the existence of anything other than cheap and nasty Windoze computers, and - as most of you know - I have an obscene amount of Apple Macs.
My work Macs …
My studio Macs …
My shiny new home Mac.I'm a professional. I don't do "Windoze".
Oh, and that's Nimh, by the way. My only cuddly toy. He's currently guarding the new Mac from Stouffer, the evil blue rubber cat. Yes, I am a middle aged man living alone; what the fuck do you expect?
Oh, and that's Nimh, by the way. My only cuddly toy. He's currently guarding the new Mac from Stouffer, the evil blue rubber cat. Yes, I am a middle aged man living alone; what the fuck do you expect?
So …
Wireless …
If I disappear for a time, it will be because I am spending thousands of pounds on premium rate "helplines" based in India, with my shouty trousers on and my trusty Profanisaurus® by my side.
I had to do this when I went from dial-up to my current donkey-powered broadband made from straw and twigs and mud (the highest speed it has achieved to date is 5Kb/s (whoop di doo).
British Telecom have a system:
They send you a big box of stuff and you plug it in and it doesn't work.
You phone them up and you get to listen to a computer. Either that or Stephen Hawking is moonlighting.
After several hours of pressing keys on the phone (at £500 a minute or thereabouts) you are transferred to a muzak player that interrupts you every thirty seconds to tell you that you are in a queue.
Hours later, an Indian voice comes on the line and asks a set series of questions.
This carries on for several minutes, at the end of which he tells you that because you have a brain and use a Mac he must transfer you to another number.
You then go through the whole obscene process again, at the end of which, the new Indian voice tells you that this service is not supported on Macs, even though you know full well that it is.
Then you pop next door and borrow Jerry's computer to Google the lone gunmen (a band of desperate Mac users who sort out crap for you) and they tell you what to do.
So if I manage to post tomorrow or turn up in your comments boxes it will be a bloody miracle.
23 comments:
Where do I even start with this one.
Yes Gepetto was creepy and possibly a story book paedophile.
Nimh huh, wasn't aware that they were doing experiments on elephants there, they'd have a hard time hiding under a rose bush.
Tele servers suck so keep up with the ranting and find a connection -for tomorrow, fred's finale is not to be missed.
I hope to be there, Kate. Can't miss Fred after all these weeks!
I can't imagine something as cuddly as little Nimh living in the same house as that nasty cat. What fights you must sort out.
Hurry back.
Aha ha ha! Don't talk to me about BT! What do you mean, my voice has gone all high pitched, and I'm laughing like a nutter, and I've acquired a nervous tic?
Mind you, Orange are even worse. As the blogger Garfer so aptly put it, "I'm with Orange, who specialise in outages".
Glad it all worked out. Isn't it nice to be surprised sometimes?
Yes glad it all worked out but you see this is why i've never got a Mac. They seem to elite to be viable in the working world. i.e. when they go wrong, nobody knows what to do! Bad enough with my pc and laptop but at least somebody somewhere will know. With a Mac, people shake their heads and mutter "oh, you've got one of those have you? Hmm, don't know mate." This happened to a very frustrated friend who had to pay hundreds for much sought after techie. He must have flown in from India i think.
So Macs for me are... a no no (ducks).
TOO elite not to elite. God making a spelling or typo error on Dive's site is a no no too. Must proof read.
I love nice surprises, Prudence.
Hee hee, Lynn. I'm surprised at you. All the creative people I know have Macs; artists, musicians, writers. I only know two other journalists apart from you and they use them, too.
They don't get viruses and I've never had a single crash on any of mine since I started using them in the mid-eighties.
And now that BT are on board it is only the crappy BBC who need to employ a decent IT worker. They are going to have to soon, as they only got their digital licence on condition that they made themselves available to all platforms. The government is currently taking them to court to enforce it so there'll soon be no reason whatever to own a Windoze system.
Ok, I'll be the one to say it,
Dive, you have so many macs you could open a franchise.
You want fries with that?
Ew! Just a salad please, Kate.
Hee hee.
Hey, at least I can be there for Fred's final foray tomorrow!
Cool.
lol well Dive you are right, certainly on the arty farty side my colleagues DO have them.
Unfortunately it's solely the techie side of it which puts me off. I've always wanted one, i think i've told you that before, but because i work largely alone and live alone apart from teenage son, i just KNOW the thing would go wrong on me and i'd end up tearing my hair out. It's a case of going with the more commonly known i suppose. Basically it's because i'm just plain scared. They are very pretty too... sigh...
Profanisaurus? This is indee funny dive. but good luck going wireless.
You knew it would work because you convinced me to buy all that stuff first so you could see what happened.
I like my mac.
Glad you have got all your wireless bits to work.
See you Saturday.
ouch, sugar...the MITM is dying over there..he's using his laptop and it seems even though he's set up for wifi...none of the systems really like macs...but he's so upset right now, nothing will help! (long story! i really wish you COULD take him out for a beer/drink/cuppa!)
"though I'll still be made of wood"
Awwwww Yeaaaaahhhh . . .
Being mad of wood is usually what makes you a real man.
heh heh . . . *slinking away to drink more 'good' Texan 'beer'*
Lynn: the techie side is so much easier with a Mac. And yes, they are very pretty.
Rich: It's working perfectly. As is my sweary old Profanisaurus, Hee hee.
Savannah: I have no problems with Mac wireless in London. And now it seems to work here in the village, too. Woohoo! I do hope MITM gets connected.
Hi, Fresh. Glad you're enjoying Texas. Feel free to go Bush shooting while you're down there.
I refuse to get drawn into any "woody" jokes (too late).
So glad it all worked out for you but I am as jealous as hell!!!
The only thing I disagree with is that british telicom is the world's worst - sorry mate but they're not even in the running. 5 kbp sec is so fast I would love it!!!
PNG telikom stand alone for incompetence. yesterday we lost all communications again because some dick in Port Moresby cut thru the fibre optic cable again - this is the 4th time in the same no of weeks. Wouldn't you think you'd get it and put security there!!!! Every Thursday we have no phones - so we are thinking of extending the weekend to include thursday because no one can run a business without a phone - oh and the power went off about 10 times just to add to the fun!!
i stomped home and lay on the couch as I couldn't do anything else. Oh have i mentioned I have a house keeper - so i didn't even have any ironing to do!!!!
Saw a bit on the news about a big storm coming.
Is it coming your way?
If so, stay safe, Dive!
Jules: as soon as it connected and started working I thought of you.
I know how frustrated I was having the worst internet in England but you are even worse off.
Now I have a connection that is fast enough to actually play some of the video clips people put on their blogs I feel so guilty. Poor you. It got up to 5kb/s yesterday!!!!! Mind you, I'm paying for an 8Gig line, so it's running at less than a thousandth of the advertised speed. Hey ho.
At least I'm connected.
And you can always go lay on the beach on your paradise island where chocolate grows on trees (hee hee).
Thanks for the concern, T; we have all sorts of flood warnings going on here. Mayuko (my Japanese teacher) lives almost on the beach so I've offered to put up her family if she's flooded out this morning.
We're anxiously watching the news reports.
I'm far enough from the coast and high enough not to worry.
Crikey, Dive, I hain't never seen so many Macs in the same place.
Like you, I am a convert. I have an old PC; and instead of giving it swimming lessons, i simply bought a new G5 iMac.
It has proved to be the sexiest thing I have ever sat up with.
It never gets sick, never has a day off and it has 19,997 photos on it, all in their correct little albums.
I watch local TV on it, France 24 and 7 other French TV channels. I can do anything I want with it and it never says, 'No'.
I wouldn't go back to a PC for all the indians in China. When I see you in August, I will bring a new mac book, not a macbook Pro, and publish Adelaide D.P. from inside your car with the testicles / icicles on the windscreen.
We just have to arrange that coot in New Guinea. He should have taken the scissors a bit lower methinks. What did Jules describe him as ?
Hee hee, MB. yes, poor Jules. She will have to stand over that cable with a baseball bat.
And when you come over you can borrow my Macbook Pro to blog with. It makes my old G5 Macbook look like a PC (well not quite that bad).
Lynn: Please read Monsieur B's comment and take note.
Yep 'n doody, Dive.
Et chère Lynn, aussi !!
Bing is a total Mac nut. She refuses to use ANYTHING else. She even bugged her school to supply all Mac computers for her students. She says that she will not be party to teaching kids on "that other crap."
Me? I just want to read my e-mail.
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