I know I've griped about this before, but it is now becoming increasingly apparent that I am being specifically targeted by a terrorist group that has gone scandalously unnoticed by our al-Qaeda-obsessed press.
I'm talking about the threat posed by rogue, fundamentalist bakers.
In particular, I am referring to The Guild Of Master Bakers.
Ever since I laughed at their name when I heard it on Radio 4 (just say "master bakers" out loud and see how many heads turn to stare) and made fun of them in my blog they have been out to get me.
Once again, this very morning I have been targeted.
I opened the paper bag I picked up at the coffee shop to find yet another suicide croissant.
That's three this week!
The dastardly bastards have perfected a fiendish recipe for "fragmentation pastry" and are using it in defiance of international arms treaties.
Suicide croissants look just like normal croissants. Until you touch them …
They then burst into a million sharp, pointy fragments, leaving just a manky, doughy kernel the size of a walnut for me to disconsolately chew on.
And these fragments get EVERYWHERE!
I have come home after a full day's work and a three and a half hour train journey, gone to bed and found the bloodthirsty little buggers hiding in the sheets, waiting to bite me viciously on the hip at two in the morning.
I can hear them giggling softly in the dark.
Stop these maniacs now!
Kill a master baker today.
20 comments:
So, you got a bad croissant today, Dive?
Not just bad …
It's all over the office!
Pockmarked walls and smashed monitors embedded with shards of croissant-shrapnel.
Fragmentation pastry is a menace that must be stamped out.
I thought ALL croissants did that. I have come to just expect the things to burst in my hand like a blown dandelion head.
Which is why I love those awful krispy kremes....they stay put. On my butt as well.
Master bakers? I actually said that out loud and then chuckled and said it three more times. This is sort of sad isn't it?
Hee hee. I wonder how many more folk in Blogville will be saying that phrase out loud today?
So you have suicide croissants in the States, too? It must be France's revenge for "freedom" fries.
chuckling now! master bakers
ps. the MITM left you a message ;-)
There really IS a Guild Of Master Bakers. They even have their own coat of arms, and they appear regularly on Radio 4, "Farming Today" programme to shout about things.
I dread to think what other anachronisms lurk in the heart of England's weird mediæval guilds; the Guild of Cunning Linguists, perhaps?
DIVE!!! I know exactly what you mean - had a few in my time as well. they are to eaten with your fingers not your hand.
Just choked on my coffee! You really are hilarious AND wicked. I didn't get it until I said it out loud. Hee Hee ... xxx Mme B
Oh no - I just read Maria's comment about "a blown dandelion head" and choked again! xxx Mme
There are few things on earth to compare with the pleasure of tearing open a perfectly baked croissant and feasting on its buttery goodness, Rich.
Suicide croissants, on the other hand, simply explode on touch, leaving a heap of shrapnel far larger than the original croissant and a lingering odour of disappointment.
I knew that you - as a seasoned coffee shop veteran - would have encountered the fiendish things before.
The only way to eat a suicide croissant is to carry out a controlled explosion and pick at the remains with tweezers.
Mme: You are incorrigible. Gloriously so!
Dive, it is snowing here.. perhaps it is shards from your coissant?
Ps, stolen review of the Eagles on my blog.
Thanks, Prudence.
SNOWING????
Holy crap! Time to hibernate.
I just have one suggestion to make. Move to France.
The Master Bakers haven't invaded it yet and our croissants are still of the most edible kind.
Cheers!
PS - arrived here through m.benaut's blog in ADL.
Scrolling down - you sure need more bookshelves. Love the size of your English grammar book. Better watch my English..
Scrolling down still : forty-nine, big deal. Been there. Survived.
Well it is obvious why the croissants are bad - the master bakers are out the back saying master bakers and not attending to the dough!!
As you know I have a graphic mind. This was a funny post until you mentioned that your breakfast resembled "Mank" which in forensic terms is somethingh that you wouldn't touch for breakfast. In fact I think I will skip mine today.
Welcome, Nathalie!
I love France, and once or twice a year I almost move to Paris (it takes the same time to commute from there to London as it does from my house). Only the fact that my strangled Franglais would be next to useless there prevents me from enjoying real croissants.
I just visited your Avignon photoblog. Wow! I'm blown away by your photos; especially the fun to be had with the interplay of shadows and reflections. You have an eye for the quirky that I love. And the pears on the glass-topped table (I assume) should be framed on restaurant walls; it's brilliant.
Jules: Hee hee. I am about to foray into Norwich for breakfast with Phil, and the vain hope of finding an edible croissant.
My local baker is not a "master-baker"; he gives good bread (ahem), but unfortunately doesn't make croissants.
Oooh! Do tell, Kate! Over here, manky just means kind of dirty, icky, eww stuff like a tramp's smegma; if it has a more disgusting definition I so want to know!
Ok, you asked for it
Everyone else just turn away.
You know when they exhume a grave, sometimes a body under certain conditions will turn into a soupy mass of decomposition. Particuarly so if left in a body bag.
This is what one forensic pathologist calls Mank. Theres just no technical name for that sort of horribleness.
Woah! Cool, Kate! I'll tell Phil over breakfast.
It's not every day that one comes across a new thing to disgust people with. I've actually seen that stuff and it made me glad I'm anosmic.
Thanks, Kate; you've made an old man very happy.
Yes that's suicidal tendency is noted in many a cresentoid creature. Mmm, maybe it's the Suicide Croissants Squad who were terroristically burning those Danish pastries early last year?
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