The Year Of Living Rantily Pt.IX

Trudging on through the impenetrable, treacly morass that is Dive's first year retrospective, we collapse in a sticky heap on the month of April.
The month that Knudsen turned nice (thankfully a temporary glitch), and that Dive shot a kitten …


Most of the month was taken up with my picturesque but tedious "look up" photoseries. The one shining exception, drenched in bile and filth, was the following post by Stouffer:

"Viddy well, my droogs.

For it is I, Stouffer, the blue rubber cat who guards Dive's dining room.

Dive is stinkingly busy this week and unlike most of the blogworld he carries on some pretence of having a life. So life comes first, work second, then blogging trails in somewhere after ironing and picking his nose.

While the dork's away, the cat can play.
Not that I'm a vicious, vindictive überbitch, but while he's off gazing into some woman's eyes and mooning over her like a soppy twat, I've got hold of the sucker's password and have taken over his stupid blog.
Now how the hell do I type that "mad scientist cackling laugh" thing?

So … Let's spill the beans on this tit you call Dive:

- He once had a ponytail and a goatee! … HA!

- Until last year when I burned 'em all, he thought Hawai'ian shirts were "cool".

- He cried at the end of Edward Scissorhands … Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

- He lost his virginity in a car park in Lowestoft.

- With a farmer's daughter … Ah, the age of romance is not dead.

- He likes to be the big "rock star", but he once ended up supporting Freddie and the Dreamers at a fucking holiday camp. HA!

- He irons his boxer shorts.

- He likes lamps. I tell him "You like lamps! Your house is beautifully decorated! It's full of books and paintings! What the hell are you doing mooning after a WOMAN? Face it, you twat, you're gayer than Waylon Smithers!" … Does he listen? Does he fuck!

- He once did a post on his fucking spice rack! What kind of dicksplash posts his fucking spice rack? I despair sometimes. I really do …

- He's got a big box of Lego in his attic. He waits for friends to bring their kids round then gets it out and plays for hours. Totally ignores the fucking kids. What a world class wanker.

- He never posts photos of the back of his head, does he? Ha! Bald patch! Hahahahahaaaaa!

That'll teach him to stick his hand up my arse … Bastard!
Right. I'm off for a saucer of moloko."

Other than that, and Prudence's Rhyme-It Challenge, and "Cock", and Japanese maid's uniforms, it was a pretty dull month, blog-wise.

Your comments, on the other hand, were up to their usual standard of confused depravity. And we welcomed Terroni and Maria to Blogville, too.
This is what you reprobates had to say for yourselves:

Terroni:
"I'll never forget the look of that dead pig sitting in our bathtub full of ice."
"These freaks just want an excuse to watch the puppet sex over and over and over again!"
"The little black buggers stain my white sheets!"
"Utterly beautiful but absolutely useless"
"Not as amusing as a dead mime, but close."
"Did Lynn just say that her clitoris is flourishing?" She did indeed.

Dear Prudence:
"Lindsey Buckingham-OH FUCK!"
"Soppy Twat."

Robyn:
"Well, here's to a sillier world."
"Hooray for useless beauty."
"Everyone needs a tiny room with a gold pheasant on the top."
"I will NOT click on it to make it larger."
"What are grumpy trousers?"
"I hate to interrupt the frisky exchange here, you two, but...."
"Flutteringly Favorite."
"Rich, SHUT UP."
"Listen to you. What a cranky old fart."
"OH! OH! Now you've just gone too far."

Kate:
"I love producing the stiffy effect in a male."
"Monkeys flying out of your arse."
"I'm wearing thigh high leopard skin boots."
"Would have thought raw pussy would be something you'd be dining on frequently lately."

Sassy:
"I'm not Sassy Sundry. My real name is Lulu, and I'm shacked up with a guy named Hank."
"Words like "penis" tend to trigger things."
"I look like a junkie who has been beaten with sticks."

Maria:
"There is nothing scarier than having your doorbell ring at 2 a.m. and finding a clown standing there."
"I am just so stuck on the word "smegma"."
"I want whatever you're having. Two."

Gaijin Girl:
"I spend most of my time walking around in circles coz I can't remember which arrows make me go which way."
"My best plan is to get beaten up by the fundamentalist, head to the men's room to get electrocuted and slashed by the clown, then incinerated by the microwave in kitchen, then shark and weasels upstairs."
"Cheesy peas."
"Oh feck. I just dobbed myself in."

Peahen:
"… the goatee and pony tail. I'm afraid that I liked them both very much."

Lynn:
"I'd love to know the story worthy of stretching the man's penis then carving it out in all its glory."
"Yoko's wonderful."
"We must have a giggle and a sexy old wriggle."
"Men are still a bit of a mystery to me."
"Okay then, I'll put it on and serve you coffee, Rich. Once. Then we'll never speak of it again."
"The pink pig would be the one with poo popping out of his arse would it?"
"Oh Dive. Dive what have you done?"
"Yes cult, Dive. Careful with that one!"

Rich:
"Gee dive, you'd make someone a good wife."
"I'm just kissin' your ass to get off your "wanker list"."
"This is right up my alley, Dive. Playing dress up."

Ame:
"You need your arse SPANKED!"
"You lost me at twat!!"

Monsieur Benaut:
"We should set up a booth a few yards back and sell shanghais, replacement rubbers and old priest's habits."
"Are German knobs as shiny as British ones?"
"It's hard to think about dicks"

Fresh Hell:
"Whores! Every last one of them."

Old Knudsen:
"Freddy and the Dreamers? You are the coolest person ever."
"I'm so happy to get boners."
"I love kittens, they make me smile."
"I once got into a fist fight on how you pronounce clematis."

I pronounce it wrongly.