The Year Of Living Rantily Pt.VIII

Whacko!
Time to dredge the crap out of March's postbag.


Quite apart from a brief history of astonishingly pervy British kids' TV from my childhood, March brought us the classic "Vibies Are A Girl's Best Friend" post where you all - very bravely - fessed up your amusing vibie true stories.
I just re-read your comments and laughed half my lunch out my nose.

Here is my personal favourite, from Lynn (though it was difficult to choose):
"My parents were staying. They use my room and i move into spare room as it's more pleasant for them with bathroom attached. Went in to get my clean knickers (keep it in knicker drawer) for following morning and to say goodnight. Feeling around and talking to them, wasn't paying attention and set the over-sensitive (one of the design faults) button off. BZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Quizzical looks from them, flustered look from me. Felt for it, pressed a button which turned out to be a further buzzy one, with whirly movement bashing against bottom of drawer. Finally switched thing off. Turned to them and said simply. "Neck massager. Tut. Thought we'd go to the antiques fair tomorrow, okay? Night then." Exit. Lay in bed cringeing."

March also spewed up the second best meme ever. A mind-buggering two-parter from the fecund brain of the Groover.
Here's Part One, which set me up in a particularly cruel way for …
(perhaps a little too predictably), the monumental confessional Part Two.

Other March lowlights included Dive slapping Hallmark yet again:
"Oh, crap. Another Hallmark Holiday.

Fuck Hallmark.
Every day is Mothers' Day.

Stop buying their crappy cards right now. It only encourages the bastards.

Actually, "Fuck Hallmark; Every Day Is Mothers' Day" would make a pretty good teeshirt. I think I'll make one for Mum …"

Plus Groover's Haircut Challenge, The One-Armed Man, spurting blood and concussion, origami food, my arsenal of Apple Macs, the street where I was born and the arrival of Australian food in my studio.


March also brought forth a whole month's worth of disturbing, amusing or just plain weird comments from the disturbing, amusing or just plain weird residents of Blogville.

Robyn:
"I am shocked and appalled."
"OH, baby Dive!!"
"Woohoo. A one-armed man!"
"Shoot the donkey."
"I'm so confused."

Ame:
"Knice Knobs!"
"I'll sleep with you in a heartbeat!"
"I could hear that grunting all the way to CALIFORNIA"
"Love you and your big pants."
"PMP! (Peeing my PANTS!)"

Rich:
"SHUT UP Ame!!!!"
"Dive are you sure that "she" wasn't Knudsen in a dress?"
"I recently visited a store in Portland Maine that sold nothing but women's pleasure toys."

Sassy:
"Step away from the Lolitas."
"Good luck with the wobbly goo."
"Good morning, Dive. You do look wonderful from across the ocean."
"I was absolutely convinced that she saw me in that pinwheel … Like I said, drugs."
"You are so cute. Why not pay a visit?"
"You won't respect me in the morning."
"And you'd have to get me over your knee."
"Can I have ten points anyway? I'm nice."
"You smell nice, but your evil monkeys stink."

Dear Prudence:
"She was naked at the time, she F'd up from that!"
"Well, there is just something sexy about a man diddlin' …"
"Now you know what women think of while they watch your fingers stroking your strings..."
"I was having a rather heated discussion with my oldest and when I ripped the bottom sheet off the bed... out flies my vibe and bounces across the floor and lands at his feet."
"It doesn't look like a tongue it is made out of kind of wiggly stuff so it feels soft and pliable like a tongue."
"Isnt' it funny how many men don't realize just how often women "rub it"?"

Fresh Hell:
"A horrifying glimpse of my middle aged body"
"Particularly fun was a glow in the dark jobbie that looked just like a male member, silicon textured and the whole bit"

Gaijin Girl:
"It's the year of the pig - revel in it."
"It's still green, though."
"Oh, feck"

Dick Headley:
"Deep-fried in batter might be nice?"

Peahen:
"That was me ringing your phone just now btw - answer, will you!"
"There's just not enough sculptural facial hair in the world."

Kate:
"Furniture wrestling used to be my favourite sport."

Vic:
"So are man-boobs one of the first places where the weight comes off or is that just something that happens to women?"
"Old Knudsen is right about the lemurs."
"Fucking monkeys weren't such a good idea after all."

Lynn:
"I too have an interloper who lives in my mirror."
"Dive consider yourself admonished and spanked by two of your ladies on here."
"… emerging giggling hysterically whilst throwing up on the field."
"Boo hoo now i'm thix again and in a tantrum. Waaaaa..."
"I remember that night, in bed, cuddling P or P i'm not sure who and ending up throwing him noisily on the floor. Our relationship was over. Yuk."
"I'm behind the sofa... BOO!"
"The rabbit is overrated and full of design faults."

Monsieur Benaut:
"Roll on Springtime, when little gurls' minds turn to LERRRRRVE."
"Bugger the Reef."
"Looked a bit like an Ottoman testicle adjuster, mate."

The Lovely Betty:
"I was never as disturbed by Johnny Morris or Glaze as I was by Pinky And Perky. My vile and twisted parents decorated my room with Pinky And Perky wallpaper and I had feverish dreams in which they came to life. Brrr."
"Cruising for little boys in tutus"

Old Knudsen:
"They thought I was mad you know so I bit off their faces."
"I think yer a right cunt but thats just me." (Ever the shrewd judge of character, Old K.) "Bloody sex mad aliens and their dumb questions."
"I was searching for little boys in tutus and I found yer site. I must say I'm disappointed."

MJ:
"What is that stain above Peter Glaze's finger?"
"I just come here for the freaks."

We got 'em in spades!