Scary news for womenkind:
Old Dive has decided to get back into shape.
The first part of my new gym arrived last night; a spiffy excercise bike, with lots of heart-monitory stuff and a computer I will never bother to programme. The rest is on its way. I foresee aching muscles, back pain, heart attacks and severe chafing up ahead.
What has brought on this madness?
A couple of weeks back I catch sight of my flabby, middle-aged body in the mirror and reel back in horror!
All of my once fit muscles appear to have sneaked out while I wasn't looking.
My six pack has melted into a bowl of wobbly goo.
I can sense the onset of man-boobs … Man-Boobs! Yikes!
And what's that? … That "thing" sticking out in front?
It can't be! No!
Am I pregnant?
There's a definite bump developing.
Holy crap (as Robyn would say)!
I panic …
No! NOOOO! I can't be pregnant! Not at my age!
And then it all comes flooding back …
That drunken night with Knudsen … The infamous "cock ring" episode …
Oh, fuck!
That awful moment; standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror, holding my 'bump' as the realisation hit me …
Had we taken precautions?
Shit, we'd been sniffing petrol and amyl nitrate all night and watching the Krankies' Honeymoon Video. Anything could have happened!
A quick visit to the lovely Doctor Amanda lays my fears to rest.
It's okay, Knudsen. The Child Support Agency isn't about to come a-knockin'.
Apparently I am suffering from a medical condition known as "fat bastard".
Doctor Amanda advises me that it was indeed me who ate all the pies.
She also says to whip my fat ass back into shape.
Actually, my ass is pretty cute; it's the rest of me that has … er … "relaxed".
So, look out, weemenkind.
Dive is getting back into shape, ready to hunt down the girl of my - admittedly disturbing - dreams.
Tune in again in six weeks, when I sell all my gym equipment and buy a pie shop.
23 comments:
"Apparently I am suffering from a medical condition known as "fat bastard"."
This is one of the funniest things you've ever written--I don't know, maybe you've written something funnier, but I'm still laughing. I kind of like Fat Bastard Merlot, but that's probably not the Fat Bastard you meant.
Good luck with creating the new you, Dive.
Creating the new me is no problem.
The hard bit will be finding someone to make all the effort worthwhile …
Oh well …
In Adelaide we have a "walk to work" day. I could lend you my compass, mate.
Rip in to it, cobber !!
Also we need before and after bathroom shots. Serious !
Honestly, MB. No camera on earth could withstand that kind of shock.
And that's the kind of thing - if it got loose on the internet - that could cause worldwide panic and revulsion …
So I'll keep my flabby bod to myself.
Hey Dive, I'll race you to the gym. I had a very similar experience with a mirror and a horrifying glimps of my middle aged body. When the hell did those oversized tits show up! Cripes! They are first on the chopping block. The ulterior motive for me is getting a little leverage in prying myself out of this funk. Seriously, I can live with the bloated boobs, but the malaise... that has to go.
Whoo, Dive, awesome! Now you can stop grumbling about being a "fat middle aged fucker on stage". Don't worry, just as soon you flash those superhero muscles you'll have hordes of women running after you, I'm sure. Pick wisely, and be careful of red-headed women called Mary Jane. (Hee hee have you watched that one where Homer becomes Pie-Man??)
Malaise, schmalaise, FH.
You looked pretty good surf-dancing last week!
Mmm … Pies … That's just too tempting Utsav.
Damn - I was just going to post bread and butter pudding on additive-free! I'd better hang back on that one in case you think I'm being a cruel cow! Good luck, matey, but don't get too paranoid about it - what you see as a 'fat bastard' looking back from the mirror is what the rest of us would call 'the contented look'.
"Contented look" Hee hee.
Thanks for that, Pea. I kow how seriously great your bread and butter pud is, but having been called "contented" how can I ever dare sample it again. I feel like a blimp now.
I didn't mean that the way you took it! lol - I was trying to say that it looks worse to you than it does to the rest of us! (That was me ringing your phone just now btw - answer, will you!)
Yikes! I've got opera on loud. Ring again.
Don't worry mate, you can always use it to hang clothes on to dry. (the bike I mean, or indeed your pod).
I know you always had a weight problem with your feet, you couldn't keep them out of the f*cking pantry.
I better get you Belgian 'Lite' chocolate.
See you next Sat for low fat breakfast?
Good luck with it Jabba.
Divey Boy...you do what you need to do...I'll take ya just the way you are! If it happens? It happens! Don't put your gurly plans on hold for the "when and ifs"...you'll be an old man before you can "fall asleep" again!
;)xo
PS: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hee hee. Good morning, Ame.
You've arrived just in time for me to go to bed. Though I certainly won't be getting sleepy "THAT WAY" tonight!
Nighty-night.
Just had a thought, "He ain't heavy, he's my brother"
and I'll see you tomorrow with some beer......Mmmmmmmmm beer!!
From Mme Benaut:
Dive dear,
Don't worry - there are many weemen who have that "contented look" also. But, just in case you are really determined, my mother always said the best exercise was getting your feet out from under the table. Good luck.
Also from Mme Benaut:
BTW I'm still laughing!
Merçi, Mme B.
Good luck to you dive. It's a struggle at OUR age to keep fit and look good. I'd let you in on my secrets of doing just that but I really don't have any to speak of.
oh what the hell. drink plenty of Guiness (sp) you'll at least give your arm muscles a workout lifting the pint.
Cheers, Rich.
I'm afraid the lonesome male has other ways of keeping up arm strength.
Do you remember that Paul Simon song: "Fifty Ways To Love Your Lever"?
Hee hee.
So are man-boobs one of the first places where the weight comes off or is that just something that happens to women?
With your last comment to Rich, maybe you only need to work on one side - or are you ambidextrous?
Very funny Dive! Amused me quite a bit. I too have an interloper who lives in my mirror.
Hee hee.
Better fat bastard than pregnant.
Good luck with the wobbly goo.
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