Grow Up? Fuck Off!

Oh, the joys of geekdom.

Lynn picked me up yesterday on my playing Grand Theft Auto on the PS2.
As I pointed out to her, as a middle-aged man, living alone, it's either that or internet porn and I prefer to be geeky rather than creepy.

Mikey's the übergeek when it comes to video games; I can try them out round at his house before I buy 'em, which is cool, especially as Sharon's such a good cook.
The only ones I regularly play, however, are the good old Grand Theft Auto series (I only play 'em about once every couple of months but I do tend to get sucked in).

Hokay; for those who've never played GTA or who think "Video games? For crying out loud, grow up!", here's a brief explanation of why I like to take the occasional holiday in a GTA game:

Here I am, standing on a sidewalk in a beautifully and faithfully recreated Los Angeles (I could be in San Francisco, Las Vegas, Miami or - coming next April - NYC).

I can:
- Just go for a walk or a jog or get in my car and drive around the city, checking out the buildings and the laydees. There are loads of radio stations to listen to, all packed full of absolute classic music (rock, metal, indie, rap, classical, opera, country, talk radio, reggae, anything you want … it's like a iPod), and with brilliant and funny DJs (f'rinstance: Axl Rose spoofs himself most excellently as the classic rock DJ) and best of all, a selection of hilariously funny adverts showcasing the makers' glorious attitude of "Hey! Let's take the piss out of America and laugh at them at every opportunity." In fact I have been known to simply park up a car, turn up the radio and do my ironing or housework listening to it rather than "real" radio, because it is so fucking funny.

- Get out of my car and steal any vehicle, boat or plane I like (from cycles and a ride-on mower to an airliner and a harrier jet fighter) and have a shitload of fun, crashing, running over people (with hilarious visual effects), shooting people and things and …er … getting into trouble with the police. All the while, my character swears like Old Dive at other drivers, cops or anything else that can be cussed at. If you don't like the sound of Samuel L. Jackson and James Woods (two of the many, many stars who lend their voices to characters) calling one another motherfuckers then this game is probably not for you.
The sheer creative range of profanity on display startles and delights even Old Dive.

- If my character doesn't eat (in some brilliantly offensive and filthy rip-offs of McD and KFC, staffed by know-nothing kids who obviously hate their lives), he gets all skinny-assed; conversely, if I overeat I turn into a lardy fat fucker and passers-by take the piss out of me. I also can't outrun even a cop fresh out of the do-nut shop.
I can go to the gym and work out to make my character buff and buy an astonishingly weird selection of clothing and haircuts for him. Mikey has his character spammed up as Mister T; I prefer an Elvis cut and cool threads, though on occasion I dress him up in pink hotpants and a leopardskin hat and go cruising … er. People on the street react according to your dress and behaviour which is brilliant fun.

- I can date girls (this is one of the many things built in to GTA that have nothing to do with the game, but mean that once you finish it you can go back and "live" in the city), giving them presents (anything from flowers to a purple, three foot long dildo I found in the showers at the police station downtown … don't ask), taking them for meals and dancing and eventually getting a "times laid" score (sad but funny). Act anything other than gentlemanly, however, and they'll dump you spectacularly. Just like real life but without all the girly mess in the bathroom.

- I can gain "respect" in my community and run gangs, eventually taking over whole cities and facing off against the Mafia, triads, crips and bloods and any other gang I fancy kicking the crap outta. And I can take part in Rodney King inspired riots and lay waste to South Central Los Angeles in scarily realistic style.

- I can work on Peter Fonda's marijuana farm in the hills above San Francisco and create divers species of havoc in that city chock full of unsuspecting hippies and gays.

- I can break into people's houses and steal their stuff, play the casinos in Las Vegas, roam thousands of square miles of countryside between the cities with mountains, forests, desert and hick, redneck inbred folks, beat the crap out of Elvis impersonators on a Vegas street, become a pimp and run my own stable of "ho"s, demolish just about anything I come across with a range of weaponry that is truly and satisfyingly realistic, steal alien technology from the military in Area 69 (hee hee) and have great fun playing with it, interact with Debbie Harry, Ray Liotta, Sam Jackson, James Woods, Sean Penn, Bert Reynolds, Dennis Hopper and many more; take a potshot at Jeb Bush when he goes out cross-dressing with old porn star Jenna Jameson (okay, so they call him "Shrub" instead of "Bush" but he's governor of Florida and he spouts off a hilarious spoof of Republican shite on his radio interviews), race cars and bikes and generally misbehave on a truly galactic scale while the police and military chase me all over the map, all the while adding new words and phrases to my Profanisaurus.

It is truly, awesomely hilarious and yes I admit it, I am a geek.

But grow up? Fuck off!