500 Words - Christmas Special - Story Time

Sheesh! Holidays …
You know how it is: you walk into a room and something in your mind goes 'Hmm …'.
Next thing you know you're driving back from the hardware store with several tons of maple and steel and for the next few days half the house looks like a building site …

So yeah; I kinda forgot about the computer.
And I was so happy dicking around with my power tools and rearranging furniture and a few thousand books that I didn't get around to writing my assignment.

No worries, though, as Vanda did hers, and what a doozy it is:

Vanda's 'Desert Wind'

I'm not going to spoil it for you; just go read it. It is definitely worth your while and will leave you (at least it did me) with a warm glow and a day-long urge to giggle.

And, 'mea culpa,' I omitted on first posting this to include Lulu's marvellous story which she wrote so quickly it seems ages ago that I first enjoyed it:

Lulu's 'The Morning After'

Priceless. Hilarious. Gross to the point of barf-out-loud funny.

By the way:
Apologies for not visiting anyone's sites over the past week. Same excuse as above.

Oh, and Happy New Year if you're into that kind of thing.

On this last night of the year I'll be going to bed early with a book as usual. My longest-suffering Blogville neighbours will know why, but in case you don't, here's a somewhat sweary reminder from an end of year post a couple of years ago to explain why I shall not be partaking of drunken revelry tonight (nor any other New Year's Eve as long as I live):
You can consider this my 500 Words assignment, even though it's too long.

"The one thing I shall NOT be doing is going out tonight.

Between the ages of nine and forty-five, I spent every single Old Year's Night on stage (musicians always call it Old Year's Night, rather than New Year's Eve because New Year's Eve suggests hope and Old Year's Nights are festering pits of hopeless black despair and miserable fucking despondency) and believe me, there's no better aversion therapy than that.

Here's what a typical Old Year's Night used to entail for Old Dive:

Stay sober all day (and all night)!
Force several pounds of pasta down my gullet at noon because I'll have bugger all else to eat until breakfast time next year.
Pack up all the gear at lunchtime and drive to the studio (or wherever, depending on the year). Unpack all the gear and load it - tons of it - into the truck/van/bus.

Drive for hours to some posh fucking hotel.

Carry all the gear up endless flights of stairs and down miles of dingy corridors, then set it all up and spend a couple of hours soundchecking everything (including such immeasurable joys as listening to the drummer hit the snare drum once a second for five minutes while Rod the sound man gets the fucking levels right).

Sit cramped together in some miserable fucking hotel room, stone cold sober, munching crap snacks and drinking crap hotel coffee and watching suicidally dire crap TV from five in the afternoon (when we have to be out of the ballroom so they can set the tables) until eleven at night, by which time we are so wired from the coffee and so insane from the boredom that we are all ready to kill someone, possibly each other.
Try to resist the voices in my head telling me to KILL, KILL, KILL all of those bastards in the ballroom who have spent the last few hours stuffing their fat fucking faces with umpteen courses of gourmet food and guzzling gallons of wine while we've been arguing over a plastic-wrapped packet of three fucking stale hotel biscuits.

Get changed into fucking dickie bows and penguin suits. Great under stage lights if you want to sweat off a few stone or lose consciousness.

Go on stage and play (SOBER) until three in the fucking morning, during which, for the mercifully brief part around midnight we will inevitably end up backing some fucking washed-up chart has-been who thinks they're God, can't sing live and is out of his or her gourd on cocaine, all the while having to stare (and SMILE) at disgusting fucking yuppie drunks in party hats who are ripped to the tits, their sweaty red pig faces as ugly as sin, pawing and slobbering over equally rat-arsed pretty girls you'll never, ever get to paw and slobber over, who are trying pathetically to dance and falling all over the monitor speakers (I hate you all forever).

Pull fucking party poppers, streamers and binge-drunk girls off hot amps before they catch fire.
Smile through it all (the worst and hardest part) while every moment we are aching for it all to end and praying for the Apocalypse to spare us another moment's suffering.

Make our miserable fucking way back upstairs, shower off the sweat, stink and filth and change again, then wait hours for the drunks to stop vomiting and passing out and get the fuck out of the ballroom before spending a soul-destroying hour breaking down all the gear, carting it back down endless stairs and corridors and out into the freezing night and packing it away.

Drive back to the studio, soberly waving at all the traffic police who are just as fucking miserable at having to work all night on the set of "Night Of The Living Drunks".

Repack all the stuff in our cars as dawn breaks and our fingers freeze off and the world's biggest and most miserable fucking headache settles in to stay for the day.
Drive home, sober and homicidal at breakfast time vowing NEVER to do it again.

(er … I'm not sounding just a teensy bit bitter here, am I? … Yes? … Good!) …

Much to the falling-over amazement of all my session musician buddies (I'll think of your suffering as I snuggle into my pillow, you poor sods), I made a break for it at forty-six and have been on the run ever since, refusing all offers to play another Old Year's Night, no matter how desperate and cash-laden they have been (and they have been).
The upshot of which is that for the past few years, my Old Year's Nights have been thoroughly relaxing and I've been asleep well before midnight.
Tonight I will be doing the same again. I'll watch a DVD after dinner, then take a book and a scotch to bed around nine. Ahhh … bliss …

So now you know.
Decades of aversion therapy have left me with a deeply ingrained and truly seething hatred of New Year's Eve and all who sail in her.
I have stood, year after year, decade after decade, soberly watching with mounting disgust and abhorrence the binge-drunk antics of New Year's Eve revellers and feeling the deep hatred and bile-bitter loathing settle heavily on my cold black heart."

Enjoy tonight if you must, but spare a thought for those poor fuckers up on stage. They are not smiling, they are grimacing.

500 Words - Christmas Special

Merry Christmas, Blogville!

It's Christmas morning over here in The Divery and the snow outside my window may no longer be deep and crisp and even but at least it helps with the festive vibe.

In the spirit of Christmas I'm not going to set a 500 Words sentence for you this week; however, in the spirit of Scrooge I am still setting a writing assignment for your holidays.
This week's piece must still be precisely 500 words long but can be based on any darned thing you like.
Enjoy.

Being a ludicrously busy sort of cove I didn't have time (okay, I forgot) to make you a Christmas card this year (if you really want one, click HERE and HERE for the old ones), but this tickled me somewhat so I'll post it instead.

It's not so much the ciggies that cracked me up, but the … er … Prince Albert.
I don't know how many of you know what a "Prince Albert" is, but it seems that the good folk at Camel cigarettes are of the opinion that nothing makes Christmas truly Christmas like a big box of lung cancer and a festive cock ring in a tin.

Have an intercoursingly spiffing Christmas everybody.

500 Words XX - Story Time

In the spirit of the season I took this week's sentence from Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol'.

The sentence was:
'Really, for a man who had been out of practice for so many years, it was a splendid laugh, a most illustrious laugh.'

So quick off the blocks it made my head spin, Katherine had written hers and posted it before the ink was dry on last week's assignment:

Katherine's 'The Right To Laugh'

A truly chilling Christmas message reminding us that a large part of the true spirit of Christmas is that of charity and of giving.
Wonderful and thought-provoking.

Vanda's 'Ho Ho Ho'

Ah, my fellow Scrooge gets her teeth into the festive season and gives it a well-deserved savaging.
This one will keep me grinning and giggling for days, especially when my postman delivers the next brown cardboard package.

Dive's 'The Fourth Ghost'

This looked like being around 10,000 words long so I had to cut out just about everything to get it down to 500. Perhaps I'll rummage on the editing room floor for next Christmas.

A very Merry Christmas to all our readers.

WTF Monday

A WTF Monday update from this one.

Roll On Spring

"Oh the weather outside is frightful,

But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow …"

Sammy Cahn wrote those lyrics. He lived in Los Angeles.
If the bugger had lived anywhere that had snow he'd have changed his tune pretty damned fast.

Bollocks to snow!

Snow is crap.

I hate the smegging stuff.

Anyone who's dreaming of a white Christmas obviously doesn't live in a remote village with no gritters or snow-ploughs for miles.

If anyone wants all this snow, please come and get the bloody stuff.
It's not welcome here.
Actually, most of it had gone by the time I took these photos. It was a lot deeper on Friday and yesterday but the cloud cover made it almost dark and the blizzard conditions meant that only an idiot would venture outside.
The sun came out this morning so let's hope this stupid white stuff is gone by the time I have to drive to the station tomorrow.

Thaw, please.

Now!

500 Words XX - This Week's Sentence

For the last 500 Words assignment before Christmas I have lazily succumbed to the obvious and taken the sentence from Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol'.

The sentence is:
'Really, for a man who had been out of practice for so many years, it was a splendid laugh, a most illustrious laugh.'

Have fun with it.

500 Words IXX - Story Time

In a fit of atypical seasonality, this week’s sentence was taken from one of Charles Dickens’ many delightful Christmas Books: The Chimes (A Goblin Story).

The sentence was:
‘A lamentable instance, Mr. Fish.’

Even more atypically, it seems only Old Dive (the man who hates Christmas) got into the festive groove this week.

Dive's 'A Christmas Karel'

Appalling title, I know, but hey ho.

I'll be posting another festive sentence tomorrow for the run-up to the day itself.
Bah, humbug to any who don't join in.


Oooh! Hey! Late addendum:
Todd has unleashed his extraordinarily creative imagination on this one and the result is:

Todd's 'Dreaming'

A truly beautiful and quite trippy journey across the universe using a form of transport that would make my commute a sheer joy.

WTF Monday - Skymall Christmas Special

Brr … It's almost half-past December and therefore the time to celebrate:

(a) for Christians: the birth of Jesus, peace on Earth (still a little way to go there, guys) and good will to all men. A time of prayer and thanksgiving.

(b) for Heathens: the winter solstice, when the nights stop drawing in and the days start getting longer again, heralding the return of spring and the renewal of life. A great excuse to eat, drink and be merry. Yay!

(c) for the rest of you: it's Skymall Time! Woohoo!

Those who remember my last trawl through the Skymall Christmas catalogue will know just why I've posted this as a WTF Monday item. They will recall with horror (or perverse delight if they're sick like me) the Thomas Kinkade 'Animated Holiday Tree', the animatronic singing Elvis, the giant inflatable train and the secret healing power of the hoodie.

Well, here goes with this year's festive trawl through the carnival of crapola that is the Skymall Christmas.
Bring on the tacky!
Bring on the kitsch!
Bring on the hideous cornucopia of tasteless tat, that festival of completely useless things you never before realised that you didn't want in your house!

First item on our festive menu is the quite (i.e. 'not very') beautiful:

The Nutcracker Ballet Music Box - $129.99

Enjoy an evening at the Nutcracker Ballet with this enchanting musical display. Music box is a mini theatre which captures the charm and music of the Nutcracker Ballet. Velvet-like (Mmm … Velvet-like) curtain opens and closes between the three scenes, accompanied by nine of the famous musical selections. LED lights highlight twirling dancers and moving props. Stage resets to the beginning whenever the music box is turned on. Turns off automatically after the three scenes have played three times and the nine songs are finished. Crafted of intricately detailed and painted resin. Volume control. UL-listed AC adapter. 8-1/2"W x 10-1/2"D x 11"H."

I love the ballet so obviously this would make an ideal present for me.

Er … Next!

Christmas Stocking Stand - $24.99

Show off up to 8 festive stockings on our Christmas Stocking Stand. Perfect if you don't have a mantel, or you have heirloom stockings (What the fuck are 'heirloom stockings?') to display. Star-topped black metal stand has scrolled base; easy assembly. 14"Dia. base; 43"H.

Words fail me.

What else has Skymall's Santa got hidden in his sack?
Why, it's 'A Christmas Tradition' that … er … actually isn't a Christmas tradition at all, outside of some tacky marketing department:

The Elf of the Shelf - $29.99

Inspired by one family's tradition (or a desperate, drunken marketing department meeting), let it become a tradition in yours. Perch this little elf around your home during the weeks before Christmas. As the story goes, he magically returns to the North Pole every night to report to the Big Guy; by morning, he's in a new place to offer a daily hide-and-seek ritual for kids and adults alike. 8"H elf comes with a 28-page hardcover illustrated book that explains the story to children (and adults!). Durable storage box included.

Hmm … Maybe; maybe not.
I wonder what a hundred and fifty dollars will get me these days …

Holiday Carousel - $149.99

Step back in time, with this wonderful Tabletop Decoration that delights you as you listen to Christmas Carols and timeless classics. Bright, long-lasting LED bulbs decorate these elaborate family-time scenes, bringing back vivid memories of seasons long ago. As you watch the action, you can listen to Christmas carols and all-time classic tunes that play automatically. Includes volume control, on/off. UL listed adapter.
Holiday Around The Carousel. Classic fair attractions has four LEDs beneath the velvety (isn't that some kind of faux-cheese?) canopy illuminating the area. Horses and riders go round and round and up and down. Plays 15 Christmas carols and 15 all-time classic tunes. Includes separate half-promenade. 15 3/4" in dia. 11" tall.

I would dearly love to meet the family that sits around the table at Christmas watching and listening to the Holiday Carousel. They sound like my kind of people. Oh, what scintillating conversation we could have.

Yikes! Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a scary foray into the hideous world of 'The Painter Of Light™' Thomas Kinkade.

Thomas Kinkade Talking House - $134.99

The Thomas Kinkade The Night Before Christmas Talking House. Each window of this small, meticulously handpainted house lights up in sequence as Painter of Light Thomas Kinkade recites 'Twas the Night Before Christmas in a clear voice recording. The hand-numbered Victorian-style house (hey, I'm an Architect and this is not remotely like any Victorian-style house I've ever seen, even in nightmares) is draped in snow and brilliant lights. The windows show holiday scenes with the audio recording synchronized with the room lights. Includes a hand-numbered certificate of authenticity and AC adapter. Crafted from resin. 14" H x 13" W x 6" D. (13 lbs.)

A hand-numbered certificate of authenticity, no less! It may be garish and worthless crap, but it's AUTHENTIC garish and worthless crap. You have a hand-numbered certificate to prove it!

And while we're on the subject of 'heirloom' gifts, 'meticulously handpainted by artisans who painstakingly brush rich details by freehand' …

Musical Rocking Santa - $149.95

The Musical Rocking Santa. This handpainted musical St. Nick rocks backs-and-forth in a rocking chair while playing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
Only 300 of these musical Santas will be produced, (I think that's probably just as well, but still around 300 too many) each one meticulously handpainted by artisans who painstakingly brush rich details by freehand, (Yay!) including the rocking chair's wood grain, Santa's rosy cheeks and thick white beard, and the foamy swirls of the hot chocolate he is holding (not a good idea on a rocking chair, Santa; you'll end up in the burns unit). An internal clockwork mechanism like those used in Old World European toys (er … what?) prods Santa to gently sway forwards and backwards while the music plays. The music box employs key-wound musical movement with steel tines that pluck the steel combs 18 teeth, producing classic music box tones. Molded resin. 6" H x 5" W x 4" D. (1 1/3 lbs.)

Here's a gift that's perfect for old folk like me, who hate Christmas TV schedules with teeth-grinding intensity.
Why settle for real crap TV when you can have FAKE crap TV?

Animated Musical TV Diorama - $149.95

The Animated Musical Television Diorama. This animated holiday musicale is faithful to the outward details of a television from a bygone era. Complete with a dipole antenna, rotary dials, integrated legs, and other details that distinguished televisions of the 1950s, the animated musical television plays classic holiday songs like Silent Night, Jingle Bells, O' Christmas Tree, and more. A three-dimensional, handpainted winter tableau inside the television depicts a village set among snowcapped mountains and evergreen trees. Richly detailed log cabin homes have illuminated windows and lampposts, and a scene of holiday revelers includes carolers, snow skiers, and ice skaters that "skate" around a Christmas tree. The volume adjusts with the turn of a dial. Requires three AAA batteries. 8" H x 10" L x 6" D. (5-1/4 lbs.)

Be still, my beating heart.

Here's a Colonial tradition that has yet to take hold over here on the curmudgeonly side of the pond: 'yard art' … er …
We'll start with one that would suit my own Scroogey tendencies:

Freeze & Heat Miser Yard Art - $69.99

Though this metal yard art doesn't feature your usual Santa, snowman or reindeer, these colorful figures are sure to bring back memories! (er … memories of what? Drunken nightmares? Bad trips?) The hammered-steel Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art displays represent two key characters from the classic 1974 animated movie. Each "miser" metal yard art comes with a stake-in floodlight holder and halogen floodlight bulb to illuminate him at night. When ordering Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art, please specify: Heat Miser or Snow Miser.
Benefits of the Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art:
* Sturdy metal yard art can be used for many years
* Metal yard art includes spotlight for nighttime illumination
* Miser Metal Christmas Yard Art folds for easy storage

If that doesn't float your boat, how about terrifying passers-by with an animated moose?

Christmas Moose Yard Art - $119.99

Add a delightful woodsy touch to your holiday landscape with the Christmas Moose Animated Yard Art. Slowing moving his head side to side, this large moose sculpture is all decked out for the holidays with sparkling lights and a ribbon-trimmed wreath around his neck. Equally impressive both day and night, the Christmas Moose Animated Yard Art is wrapped in brown acrylic strands to intensify the brightness of the 250 clear mini-lights within. The lighted moose sculpture has a powder-coated metal frame, and measures 4-feet long and over 3-feet tall.

I'm almost tempted, but for those who want the true spirit of Christmas (Christmas with 'Christ' in it), how about the very reasonably priced and actually quite pretty:

Holy Family Yard Art - $29.97

Like windowpanes of stained glass, this holiday yard art glows with jewel-like colors when lit from behind by 50 clear mini-lights. This striking outdoor Christmas decor has a PVC surface that glistens for daytime elegance as well. Yard art panel is 19-1/4"W x 2"D x 36"H with 30" cord; metal stands and end-to-end connectors make set-up easy.
Benefits of the Stained Glass Yard Art:
* This inspirational holiday yard art has the look of stained glass
* Glitter-gel outdoor Christmas decor is durable and weather-resistant.

Plus, of course, your Mary, Joseph and Jesus are conveniently and unfeasibly white (with lovely high-lighted hair), so there's no danger of your yard art being snatched by the military and flown via Diego Garcia to an exotic destination for a water-boarding, electric shock and sexual humiliation interrogation vacation, unlike any of your neighbours' yard art that might feature a Holy Family with Middle-Eastern features.

And for those of us who love a bit of stuffing with our Christmas dinner:

Stuffable Christmas Characters - $19.99

Almost (almost?) -life-size Winter characters will bring a smile to anyone's face! Stuff him with newspapers (for indoor use), or plastic grocery bags (for outdoor use) and set him up in any position...on your front doorstep or in your easy chair! "Unstuff' to store flat. 100% nylon taffeta (parachute material). Comes with all "clothing" and accessories shown. 6" stuffing opening has hook-and-loop closure. About 5' tall stuffed. Imported.

For anyone with a penchant for the inflatable, here's something that would be exceedingly unwise to own in a nation with no gun control:

Singing Santa Inflatable Decor - $99.99

Motion-activated 5' inflatable Santa sings and dances up a storm to "Let it Snow" as the lighted 50's-style Crosley jukebox plays.
Even his mouth moves! (Woohoo!) This delightful inflatable decoration is made of durable PVC fabric and inflates in seconds; includes fan, ground stakes, and 6-1/2" cord. The inflatable Santa will start to move and sing when his built-in sensor is triggered by movement from up to 3 feet away.
Benefits of the Singing Santa with Jukebox Inflatable Decoration:
* Inflatable Santa dances and waves while singing along to the music
* Lighted inflatable Christmas decoration is easy to use -- just plug it in
* Use this colorful inflatable decoration outdoors or in; action and music are triggered when motion is detected.

At last! Something in the Skymall Christmas range that I might buy myself (were I to relocate to the US where such things are acceptable to society):

Peanuts Nativity Set - $279.99

Our large Peanuts Nativity Set recreates the classic Christmas pageant scene from "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Impressively-sized display (stable is 42-1/2"H) makes an enchanting way to express the spirit of Christmas. The 7-piece set is crafted of brightly-colored hammered metal, and each figure has an easel back for easy setup indoors or out. Includes 2 UL-listed floodlight sets (holder/bulb) for nighttime viewing, plus ground stakes. Figures range from 15"H to 28-3/4"H.

A Christmas without Skymall would be a very dull affair indeed.
I'm off to polish my Thomas Kinkade 'Animated Holiday Tree'.

Toodle Pip!

Why I Eat Reindeer Meat

Aww crap …

IT is back.

Yesterday, while I was so busy I didn't have a moment to reach for a gun, the girls decorated my office.
Bastards!

And, like Doctor Evil only furrier - and considerably more evil - my nemesis has returned.

Yes, it's the fucking singing reindeer.
Again …

Over the years I've tried abducting the smegger, burning it and throwing it in the Thames, but Genevieve must have a stock of the damned things hidden away somewhere because it has returned, zombie-like to haunt me once again. An undead singing reindeer.

Knowing how much I hate it the girls take great, squealy, giggly pleasure in setting the stupid thing off whenever they pass, running away and leaving me to suffer "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" sung into a tin can by some drunken, elderly American.
The whole damned thing!
Verses of it!
Over and over again.
The accurséd monster has no OFF switch.
Grr …

Any of you strange enough to have hung around here for the past three-and-a-half years will know that I don't do Christmas. No decorations. No tree. No inedible 'festive' non-food. No crap TV. No Christmas parties. No unwise sexual encounters with binge-drinking secretaries. And only the occasional unfortunate hand-knitted sweater.

I am an unreconstituted curmudgeon and therefore an easy target for the unneccessarily festive admin staff (who obviously have no bloody work to do).
I just know that when I die they will bury me with the fucking singing reindeer in my coffin.

Christmas?
Bah!
Humbug!

500 Words IXX - This Week's Sentence

As 'tis the season, this week’s sentence is taken from one of Charles Dickens’ many delightful Christmas Books: The Chimes (A Goblin Story).

The sentence is:
‘A lamentable instance, Mr. Fish.’

Wrap a piece of tinsel around your pen and get writing.
I'll collect up your stories ready for next Thursday's Story Time post.

If any newbies fancy joining in, the rules are over here (click on the link and scroll down the sidebar).