Old Ladies' Wee

You all know the feelings of deep joy I experience at the thought of my seven hour a day commute.
And you all know my feelings on mobile phone shouters and screaming kids on rush hour commuter trains.

Time for another bugbear:
Men who sit with their knees as far apart as they can possibly stretch them. You know who you are.

Listen up, guys!
The ONLY people who are allowed to sit like that are old ladies who have wee'd themselves.
That's just what you look like, opposite me on the tube, taking up three seats.
Why do you sit like that? Eh? Why?
Is it to show the whole carriage that you're hung like a cashew?
Twats!

So anyway, this morning one of the "old ladies' wee" men gets on the train at Ipswich and sits next to me.
I travel in cattle class. The seats are a regulation three inches wide (just wide enough for my cute ass).
I'm dozing happily, Bach's Goldberg Variations tinkling away on my iPod (Murray Perahia's perfect rendition; Glenn Gould's a bit histrionic for early morning listening), when I'm suddenly subjected to extreme gay leg action. This oaf has jammed his leg halfway across my seat, forcing me against the side of the train.

Now I'm not the archetypal Englishman who refuses to make a fuss.
I am the one who stalks down the carriage to say politely but firmly "This is a mobile free carriage. Please take it to another carriage or switch it off" (back in the golden age of rail travel it used to be "This is a non-smoking carriage. The cancer carriage is at the back of the train. It's the one that stinks").
I can get away with this. I am six feet tall and stocky and I have an expression that says "No Means No."

So back to this morning's gay leg rubbing session:
I don't really want to wake up, so I start tapping my foot in time to the music, hoping that would put him off …
Nope.
I can see John on the table opposite grinning at my discomfiture, so I try a different tack.
I turn to the guy and place one hand on his newspaper to get his attention.
He flicks his head round in an annoyed fashion to find me smiling at him and looking straight into his eyes.
I say (quite loudly):
"You are an attractive man, and I'm very flattered and all, but …"
And I rub my leg quite hard against his.

John explodes into gales of laughter, waking half the carriage, trying to force his fist into his mouth to stifle it.
And the guy turns bright scarlet and mumbles an apology. Had his leg shot across the carriage any faster it would have broken the sound barrier.
I spent the last hour and a half of my journey trying to avoid John's eye and enjoying loads more space than I normally would as Mister "old ladies' wee" was hanging over his armrest into the aisle to get as far away from me as possible.

It was almost worth the commute to see the look of horror on his face.
So, guys. Let that be a lesson to you. Sit properly for all our sakes, you dickless dorks.

Kate's Strange Environment

A new challenge from Kate this morning:
Write your daily post in a strange environment and in fifteen minutes.

Hokay …
Well first up: the Klingon-speaking, comic book reading, anorak-wearing, slobby, personal-freshness-challenged geeks from IT have taken away my lovely 17" widescreen Apple Powerbook, so I'm stuck with writing it in the office or writing it at home.
I'll write it here in the office, as the people in this room are as strange as anywhere else I know. I'm currently peering over my monitor at three Kiwis, one South African, one Pole, One Aussie, two fat baldies, a Morris Dancer and Auntie Pauline. Which is why I have built this wall of G5s to protect me.

Second up: the lovely, smartly-dressed, polite, ever-helpful, culturally sophisticated and extremely cool and sexy underwear models from IT have promised me my new 17" widescreen Apple MacBook Pro, top spec laptop by Friday.
So I'll be able to chill out and watch DVDs on the train again when I'm supposed to be working.
And from next week, I'll be working from home for three days a week!
Yip - and indeed - Pee!

So … Boring as Hell and completely un-ranty, but at least I wrote it in under fifteen minutes in an environment that's pretty strange.
Over to you lot.

Is It Monday Already?

Time for the regular wrestle with Fracas Monday Melee.
Only I missed it last week what with Ame and Bear being in town (sorry, Fracas).
Well, here goes:

1: The Misanthropic.
(Name something you absolutely hate).
This week I have been mostly hating the Atlantic Ocean.
No, older readers … nothing to do with Sassy; I just have my own particular grouse with it at the moment.

2: The Meretricious:
(Expose someone or something that's phony, fraudulent or bogus).
The new British Passport.
They're insisting we renew our passports with these "biometric" passports, which means having waaaay too much personal information on a crappy swipe-readable chip.
The passport lasts for seven years only they've just admitted the "SECURE" chips only come with a two year guarantee! I may as well just carry a big placard with all my bank account details on it.
Wankers.

3: The Malcontent:
(Name something you're unhappy with).
The bags under my eyes from years of 4:40 am alarm clocks and seven hour a day commutes.
If IT ever get their arses in gear I should soon be working from home three days a week, so hopefully the baggy bastards will go away (as if).

4: The Meritorious.
(Give someone credit for something and name it if you can).
Ame and Bear for being so cool and wonderful last week and coming over to visit grouchy old Dive. Yaay guys!

5: The Mirror.
(See something good about yourself and name it).
I have a cute ass.

6: The Make-Believe:
(Name something you wish for).
Oooh … something about five-six, dark hair, brown eyes … Knudsen's niece got deported back to Japan, but there must be somebody out there matches the description.

Blogger's Block

Well, Ame and Bear are safely back in Santa Clara.
And I'm still suffering blogger's block.
So that's your lot for today, I'm afraid.

What do I normally blog about?
Buggered if I can remember.
I seem to recall being a ranty, sweary, dateless, moaning old git.

God, I need a woman …

Any offers?

Thought not …

Life in Greyscale

England is a very quiet place today. Everything's in greyscale.
The Dynamic Duo have just taken off for sunny Santa Clara and I sat in my regular bookshop this morning sipping my coffee in a kind of daze.

I suppose I had better start getting back to "normal". My brain is totally empty, like I'm having one of Robyn's "numbskull days". It might take a while to kickstart my head and drive the blogger's block away.

In the meantime:
Hey! Utsav's back from Bhutan and has a broadband connection again. He promises lots of wedding photos and even has a new profile photo where he's put down his guitar and is looking dangerously handsome, girls!
So mosey on over there and leave me slapping the side of my head to try to get my eyes to see in colour again.

Piccadilly Picnic

So here we are in Piccadilly Circus.
Under the statue of Eros - which isn't really of Eros at all, but is the "Spirit of Arsing About with a Bow and Arrow" and - as my brother so rightly reminds me - is made out of tinfoil.

And here, crossing the road, absolutely bang on time, come the lovely Ame and the equally lovely Bear. Yaaay! Hi, guys.

They are bearers of bad news. Last night at the restaurant, some dickless piece of shit stole Ame's bag with all her credit cards, driver's licence, photos of the boys, cool shades, the lot.
Bastard!
The only good thing is that Bear had her passport.
So our devastated duo have had to spend this morning cancelling cards and sitting around in a not so beautiful London Police Station.
Max-strength bummer!

Being Ame and Bear, however, they can still smile, because they're just such cool and lovely people.

And Ame even submits herself to the indignity of a photo with Old Dive (who should have learned by now never to wear horizontal stripes, but hey, it's Six Nations and I'm in rugby mood, so the incomparable Leicester Tigers' shirt simply has to be worn) …

Hennyway … We duck down into Yoshino's basement and come up with a goodybag full of sushi and miso soup, with which we will do what Dive does an awful lot and have ourselves a Piccadilly Picnic.

And Look! Wherever Ame goes, she brings that old California sunshine! Hoorah!

And this one's for Gaijin Girl … Looky, GG! Natto sushi! Mmmmm …
But all too soon our little lunchtime soiree is done and Ame and Bear must head off toward the Eye, with maybe a trip to Harrods after to point and laugh at that ludicrously tacky statue.

They fly back home tomorrow lunchtime and I'm really gonna miss them.
So wave a tearful farewell (at least until Ame gets home and cranks up her Santa Clara DP) to those lovely blogsters Ame and Bear. Come back soon, guys!

Baps And Peepees Part 4

I'm posting this tonight as I may not have time tomorrow morning. I will be meeting Ame and Bear for lunch, so hopefully more pics to follow.
Anyway … back to our story … We left our hero and heroine in the Assyrian section of the British Museum …

Ooooh … What's down here?
We find a little staircase behind the Assyrian Sphynxes that looks like it doesn't lead anywhere. Curiosity kills us cool cats so we go down to the basement to find a new exhibit of lots of Roman statuary from Ephesus. Cool!

Hmm … A room full of statuary with nobody about and no security guards?

Bear finds out that Romans give good head … er.
So while he's getting seriously into the history thang and the way the Romans simply took the Greek Gods and gave them new names …

… Ame morphs into … Ta-Daaa! … Lara Croft: Tomb Raider!
Hey, looky! She's got Lara's rucksack and a roomful of antiquities to play with; what's a girl to do?
"Woohoo! What's in this one?"

"Hey! I've found Bigfoot!"

No. I'll resist the temptation. You can provide your own captions for this one.

Caught short in the British Museum? Don't worry; there's always a loo within easy reach.

This is what you want! I know you lot.
Ame gets into character and behaves in an impeccably British ladylike manner.

"What's this one say?"
"A woman reclines on a couch holding the bust of her dead husband."
"Eww! That's kinda icky!"

At last! Ame finds the Holy Grail!
Check it out:
Baps AND a peepee on the same statue!
Ame meets and greets the original Hermaphrodite.
"Yaay! Baps and Peepees!"

We only had time to "do" a tiny amount of the British Museum. Probably just as well for the rest of the exhibits …

And then we walk back through the tat-fest that is Oxford Street and finally reach Marble Arch and the comfy sofas of the Marriott.
So farewell - for the moment - to the lovely Ame and the wonderful Bear.

I decide to walk the pretty route back to Liverpool Street Station, so I head off through the darkened and deserted parks.
It's been a lovely day out with the guys, so I just amble along through Hyde Park, Green Park and on into St. James's Park.
This is the Eye (all lit up red for Comic Relief Red Nose Day) reflected in the lake in St. James's Park.

London at night is pretty wonderful. Though I did get accosted by this lady (just up ahead in the photo) asking me to join a "sleep rough for the homeless" night.
I probably should have joined them because my train broke down and it would be another four and a half hours before I got home to my yummy old bed.

So many, many thanks to Ame and Bear for a pretty damned wonderful day out.
If any of you other reprobates fancy a visit, just let me know.

Baps And Peepees Part 3

Yaay! The British Museum! Don'tcha just love that roof?

Ame and Bear outside the Reading Room. Ame goes off to the café to buy hugely overpriced water while Bear and me head for the loo, where we find - inevitably - a drinking fountain.

Haven't these two watched any "Mummy" movies?
I swear the one on the left was creaking open as we left.

We head upstairs to the South East Asia section. There's some good stuff from Indonesia and Bear turns museum guide and gives us the lowdown on the migration of Hinduism down through South East Asia to Indonesia, followed by Bhuddism.

Whilst Ame is Ame … Hee hee.

While the boys are busy talking history, Ame wanders off to the slightly ruder Indian sculptures.
From the far end of the gallery comes the cry, "Woah! Baps! … Baps and peepees!"

Before we get thrown out, we hunt down the Rosetta Stone.
One of Ame and Bear's boys is studying this at school so it's cool to see the real thing.
It's also nice to see it in February, when the crowds aren't twenty deep all around it.
That's Ame looking at the back … which is kinda blank.

Now we're getting to the big stuff. Bear (a one man history faculty) tells us the history of the crowns of the Upper and Lower Kingdoms in Egypt and he has plenty of examples to illustrate his points. He would make a great lecturer …

… except he gets kinda sidetracked by the weemen (hee hee).
"Okay, now move your hands up like you're cupping his peepee … Now smile!"

Then we head off to see the Elgin Marbles.
We Brits were pretty good at just marching into a country and stealing stuff. You can just hear Lord Elgin: "Ooh! Nice temple! I'm having that!"
I mean yes; you can understand nicking the odd statue, but a whole temple?

And here's one of our most disgusting crimes:
The Parthenon, right? You know it? One of the world's most beautiful and sacred buildings.
Here's Lord Elgin again …
"Wow! Look at those statues all round that old temple! You, get a saw; you, fetch me a big hammer!"
And he ripped them all off the Parthenon and stole them! What an ass-hat!
I'm with the Greeks on this one. Give 'em back, you thieving gits.

Ame, of course, is looking for baps and peepees. Here are some nice baps.

And a horsie! Don't look behind it for horse poo, Ame.

And here are Bear and Ame in the Parthenon Room in the British Museum in February.
There are just the three of us in there. Don't bother coming here in the summer, you'll never get in. This is the time of year to do museums.

More baps.

The rest of this episode might get a bit boring for those of you (unlike Bear and me) who don't get horny thinking of the Assyrians (all together, Python fans: "Up and down like the bleedin' Assyrian Empire.")
Here's a gate sphynx from Sargon's Palace. Cool!

But do tune in for the final episode where Ame morphs into Lara Croft and finds the Holy Grail (true)!
Here she's just wondering why this guy has a poo on his head.

Ahhh … There are rooms and rooms of this stuff. All sawn off the palace walls by us thieving Brits; but probably a good thing in this case as the Yanks would have bombed the shit out of them if we'd left 'em there.
This is the Lion Hunt of Ashurbanipal. If this stuff doesn't get you wet, look away now.

Fabulous bas relief detailing. Okay, so I've got a stiffy. What of it?

And we'll finish with more horsies for Ame. If I posted all of my photos it would take days. Just go there yourself and enjoy it all.
And tune in next time for misbehavin' Ame. Yaay!

Baps And Peepees Part 2

Ah, messing about on the river. So anyway, Ame and Bear had these tickets for a Thames trip so off we went.

Man, that girl is quick on the draw with a camera. Whether you're a bright pink taxi, a horse's ass, some poo or Old Dive, Ame never misses.

Th Houses of Parliament get the Ame treatment. Notice the refined way she crooks her little finger. Practicing for tea with the Queen.

Hey, it's a rubbish barge with some old tatty building behind it.
"Never mind the Tower of London, what's this word 'bap' all about? I mean is it some kind of bread product? What's the story?"
What can I say? Baps is boobs. Ame is delighted!
Baps also becomes the word of the day. There are an awful lot of opportunities in London for Ame to shout "Baps!" and she finds most of 'em.

I just love that people go all the way to Lake Havasu City to see this and it's actually still here.
Hee hee hee …

And Ame and Bear have now been over it and under it.

Red Ken's Great Glass Testicle (The London Mayor's City Hall if anyone was wondering).

The joy of jaywalking! I love this picture. I'd been teaching Ame and Bear how to risk death by running out into heavy traffic. I don't think the schoolteacher behind them was amused.

Olive of India! "Hey, Who's that? Olive? Does that say Olive?"
It does indeed, Ame. Clive of India's stonemason must have hated him. Though you may have to click on this one to see it clearly.
And doesn't Ame look so sweet? Hee hee …

Hokay … We've learned the joy of jaywalking, now Ame takes it to the max by standing stock still in the middle of the Mall with a "don't cross" signal to take a photo. She cannot see the stampede of buses and taxis bearing down on her from behind.
"We drive on the LEFT, Ame!"
Having just made it across the Mall alive, we head up to Piccadilly to the Japan Centre Restaurant for lunch (which Bear insists on paying for, bless him).
No photos of that here, but Ame took some so they may appear later (if popular demand dictates the posting of some pictures of food). Ame had California rolls (what else) Bear had assorted nigirizushi and Dive had tuna donburi, plus miso soup and green teas all round. Yummy and scrummy. And I learned lots and lots about Ame and Bear, none of which I am divulging to you lot. So there.

Having survived the sushi without being poisoned by Russians with radioactive polonium 210, Ame tackles a London telephone box.
"So what do the instructions say?"
"Says here: For a good time call Tracy … Genuine blonde."
"Sounds good. Let's do it."

Admiralty Arch … "I WANT one! That would look GREAT in Santa Clara."

It's tourist time again, folks. Trafalgar Square.
Bear's trying not to be touristy. Indeed the two of us together could be just another couple of London businessmen on a long lunch …

… but we have Ame with us which kinda nixes that one. She's starting to live up to the Ame reputation now (hee hee).

"I wanna sit on the lion! … Hey, guys! Say CHEESE." If you can spot her, Ame is photographing you.

Mmmmm … cake …

And what goes great with cake? All together now: "Spam, spam, spam, spam …"
Yes, we all did lots of Python impressions, but this is England; it's expected.
On our way up Shaftesbury Avenue we somehow avoided spending all our money on books and guitars because we were heading for the British Museum to hunt for Baps and Peepees!
Tune in tomorrow for the start of that one …