There were way too many nuggets to make anything less than a novel-length post, so I've chosen just a tiny sample to whet your appetites and get you in the festive mood.
Here's what the catalogue has to say:
"This molded crystal Santa Claus has an interior three-dimensional holiday scene inspired by renowned holiday artist Thomas Kinkade's original artwork. The glistening Santa is holding a lantern and a list that he's checking twice. The interior holiday tableau has three Victorian homes with illuminating windows that cast a golden glow onto snowcapped evergreen trees, skaters on an "icy" pond, and a cobblestone bridge. A miniature reindeer-drawn sleigh carrying a merry Santa and glittering gifts automatically circles the base of the figurine.
Each Santa is hand-numbered and comes with a certificate of authenticity."
Er … "molded" crystal? I wonder just which type of "crystal" can be moulded? Plastic, perhaps? "Hand numbered" (whoop-di-doo! Some poor child labourer in China has been taught how to scrawl numbers on a piece of mdf). And not forgetting that all important "Certificate of Authenticity" - It's not just tacky crap, it's AUTHENTIC tacky crap. REJOICE (in upper case).
Next!
"Santa's Express is rolling your way with gifts, animated elves and music.
Twenty popular Christmas and railroading songs play as the wheels turn and real smoke billows from the smokestack.
(Bottle of propylene glycol for smoke effect included.)"
I included this for the very festive "railroading songs" and the chemical smoke-bomb to fill your house with choking festive smog. Fun!
Here's something no festive table should be without:
Victorian skaters enjoy the crisp weather as they twirl across an oval rink illuminated by two LED floodlights.
Plays 25 Christmas carols and 25 year-round songs.
Volume control and push-button song selection.
Complete with ticket booth and snack bar.
Free 5-1/2" mini Ferris Wheel plays We Wish You a Merry Christmas.
World's Fair Skating Rink with Free Miniature Ferris Wheel."
Imagine the hours of innocent pleasure your family (especially the teenagers) can get from gathering around the table to feast their eyes and ears on this little gem.
Now this next one I actually WANT!
Or maybe not …
"Evoking Picasso's expressionist paintings of women (Dora Maar), these handmade ceramic pieces are contemporary and timeless.
Hand-painted with abstract images and vivid colors, the menorah is finished on both sides. Metal inserts hold standard Hanukkah candles (sold separately).
Decorative dreidel comes with stand."
Happy Hanukkah, guys!
I'll finish with this one as I really must get my ass in gear and get to work. You'll have to check the catalogue for more great ideas.
I particularly love this one … for its Christmas message and especially for those delicious words: "collectible", "2010 Edition" (in 2011), and the glorious use of "quality" and "designer" in front of the word "resin." I gotta get me some designer resin.
""Bigfoot, the Holiday Yeti" 2010 Holiday Ornament
Our legendary yeti makes a holiday appearance, decked out with all the trimmings! This collectible, 2010 edition holiday ornament makes a fun-loving package tie-on, stocking stuffer, tree ornament or creative addition to your Bigfoot collection.
Cast in hand-painted quality designer resin."
Tis the season, people, so get out your wallets and prepare to suffer.
11 comments:
I do LOVE the Picasso Inspired Menorrah, but Hanukkah is still a spiritual holiday.
I absolutely HATE anything that has the Thomas Kincaid name associated with it. The bastard exploits phony conservative christianity to sell his paintings. I loved it when he got arrested for DUI!
Stayed tuned to negativespace for the 12 tackiest outdoor Holiday displays in PA!
Bigfoot, the holiday yeti?? Stocking stuffer indeed!
(I recall as a teen when a group of us went to the local theater which was showing a Bigfoot "documentary". We sneaked in hamburgers and nearly choked on them when Bigfoot suddenly attacked a guy using an outdoor john. Hey, it was a small town; there wasn't much to do....)
Anyway, this is truly a great collection of holiday dreck -- although I do like the Picasso-inspired menorah and dreidel. You've outdone yourself :-)
I love this post, just as I enjoyed the earlier one. I've lived surrounded by this crap for years, have bitten my tongue equally as long.
And the Thomas Kincaid crap rendered me nearly tongueless. Some years years back, there was even a Thomas Kincaid 'Painter of Light' Gallery in the downtown mall, with all the shitty faux "paintings" framed and lit as though they were effing Rembrandts (the walls were painted dark green with little lights above each print. Yuck!) Thankfully, the *gallery* closed quite a while back, and you know, you just hafta know, that if he's reduced to licensing someone to produce worse dreck based on bad dreck, that the 'light' has just about gone out for ol' TK. Now it's just about anything for a buck to keep the lights on in those cottages, I think.
Anyone recall the Dancing Raisins promotion from the 1980's? I wondered about what the poor Chinese woman or child thought, who was being paid pennies a day to paint faces on the thousands of the anthropomorphic purple turds that Hardee's issued with their burgers.
What would be Christmas without a bunch of useless, ugly junk? Don't answer. Rhetorical question.
I done my minimal shopping online, and avoiding all shopping outlets, taking only brief trips to the grocery store till mid-January. I'll be happy when the season is over.
Oooh, I can't wait, Neetzy! I'm a sucker for a tacky Christmas display.
Ms.M. you constantly surprise and delight me with your expert knowledge of the kind of "Joe-Bob Goes To The Drive-In" movies I grew up on.
Speedway, it's almost a shame the TK gallery is closed. A series of photoposts from inside that would have been awesome!
Dancing raisins? Ah, America … you gotta love it.
Vanda, I'm going to answer it anyway: it would be a whole lot less fun. It gives us Atheists something else to laugh at other than Christians.
Yay you for getting your shopping done without queueing.
Roll on January!
Yep, dancin' raisins. Sang too, a la the Temptations. Had their own TV special.
http://home.earthlink.net/~cevr2/thats/raisins/
Love your title.
No plastic ornaments allowed at our house, except the WWII ones from my parents' collection.
Maybe in a hundred years there'll be such a thing as designer resin, but I won't be here to see it unless cryonics get perfected soon.
Authentic tacky crap. ha ha
These really are nasty things, and if someone gave them to me as gifts, I'd have to figure out how to unload them. Ick.
Speedway, that's enough to put me off eating raisins for life.
Thank you, Petrea; I do love trashy wordplay.
Vintage ornaments are the only kind I'd have in my house, too, though as I don't have any ornaments of any kind, or indeed any intention of decorating for Christmas, it's all a little moot.
Certified authentic, Robyn.
SkyMall must be the home of the re-giftable gift. All you have to do is find someone you dislike enough to pass the crap on to.
Daughter and I will be going for a drive this weekend. There are tacky displays galore. We just have to coordinate our schedules!
Ooooh, I'm getting all excited, Neetzy. I'll look forward to the results of your trash safari.
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