Phil's Funny Farm

For the last visit to Phil's playground this week, we shall discover what happens when a team of boys and girls from Norfolk get distracted from making hand-built racing and sports cars and let their minds wander.

Some of the stuff that comes oozing out of their brains is fantastic and even sane … some of the other stuff, however, makes you nervous when they smile at you.

Let's start off though with a treat for Rich.

Rich, you wanted a candy-apple red Elise; here's a sweet little Mark I with your name on it.
It even comes with free balloons.
What more can a man ask?

This is one of the saner projects, and will be whizzing noiselessly past you fairly soon.
It is the Tesla.
The first real electric sports car.
Marketed out of San Diego to catch the Schwarzzenegger Green Wave, these little beauties are made here (that's Phils' "Chrome Orange" paint job).
If you want to go from 0 to 60mph in 4 seconds without any engine noise this is the baby for you.
A usable range between recharges and a top speed to take your head off, married to Lotus's worldbeating handling gives you a pretty groovy package.
Currently only available in California but coming to Britain next year.
Expect to pay around £48,000.
And you can park 'em for free in Westminster, which, if you work here like I do will pay for itself pretty bloody quickly.

This little cutie was up for grabs as a kiddies' prize.
Cool!

This is your standard Yank package: the Elise "California".
It's basically an Elise with pretty leather door trim so Americans can pose when they get in and out.
Rumour has it they're making one twice as wide for fat American butts.

If you want a sane, family car, this is as close as you'll get: the current model Europa S.
Watch out for the Eagle though; coming soon.

The Europa's smiling face.

Every year at the Goodwood Festival of Speed they have a "Soapbox Challenge" where anybody is welcome to make an unpowered go-kart to race down the twisty hill-climb course.
There are always some spectacular wipeouts.
Lotus used to make a different kart each year but as they always won they've been kinda banned from taking part.
This is one of them. Sweet, huh?

This makes my nose hurt.
The "head impact test rig" in the "smashing cars into walls" department.

This was Lotus's cool 4WD concept car which they stupidly never put into production.
It wipes the floor with the Porsche Cayenne.
And is considerably prettier.

Still in the Design Team building, this is what happens when little fingers play with clay.
These things get modelled up in mud for wind tunnel testing and for making the moulds for the real thing.

Meanwhile, in the rubber room …
Some idiot is about to try to race across the antarctic in this.
It's got an open cockpit fer Chrissakes!
He'll be dead before he's gone a mile.
Hey ho.

Back to Coolsville and the massively wonderful Lotus 340R.
They only made 340 of 'em so you'll have to scour eBay.

Fucking sweet though, eh?

Sweet but yet somehow insane.
This is the Lotus Exposé.
A totally see-through racing car which holds several hill-climb racing records and can be seen going nutjob at races all over the world.

And here's the car I want the most.
Lotus are pretty hot on their Green credentials; they are about to put up three massive wind turbines to power the whole factory.
They make hybrid cars but this is their biofuel Exige.
Note the in-joke of the green leather seat on the green stripe side and the yellow seat on the yellow side.

The 265 E.
I want one.
Badly.
You can fill it up with vegetable oil down at Morrisons' supermarket and it is actually FASTER than the petrol-fuelled Exige!
Cool!

Thus endeth this little trip around Phil's Magical Kingdom.
We hope you enjoyed it. Please come again.
Toodle Pip.