Brrrrrrrrr …
It's yesterday …
I pop in to Building Control; always a handy favourite when I fancy wasting an hour with obfuscation and obdurate bureaucracy; it is a truly marvellous sink-hole of incompetent fuckwits.
The woman at the desk looks up and beams.
"Gosh! Hello, J……." I say, "How are you? Long time no see."
It's always nice to bump into an old friend and J…… had been my secretary for years, way back during prohibition.
We get chatting and everything is fine and dandy. Then after a few minutes she starts talking about how she's divorced now. I make conciliatory noises. I quite liked her husband; we had all been quite chummy back then and I'd been round their house a lot. J……'s a few years younger than me and slim and pretty but she had always struck me as just the teeeeensiest bit psycho. I wasn't surprised he'd left her, just surprised he was still alive.
Then she says "Laurie tells me you and ……… broke up."
I know, I know. I should see these things coming but I'm a bloke, for fuck's sake. The default setting for my brain is "duh."
"Yes, a loooong time ago. I live in Brundall now." says I in all innocence.
All the bells go off and the lights flash in her eyes. She squeals.
"I live in Brundall!"
I'm still as ignorant as only a bloke can be and quite happily agree that we should meet up for coffee as we now live in the same village. After all, we're old pals and have a lot of gossiping and bitching to catch up on.
Then she lowers her eyes for a moment before hitting me with full beam and a cute smile and a suddenly quiet and conspiratorial voice …
"I never said anything when I was married but …"
Somehow I manage to get away with just her phone number and address which go straight in the shredder when I get home. I am too flabbergasted to tell her I actually have a girlfriend. Besides, that sort of information is likely to elicit a hissy fit and possibly some form of castration with an imaginatively wielded item of office equipment.
How the fuck do I tell the woman "No, I won't meet you for coffee and I won't call you and I am SO glad I didn't tell you my address because frankly you scare the living crap out of me."?
How the fuck do I walk through the village to the local shop?
I like my village. I don't want to move.
How the fuck do I go back to Building Control, which I need to do for my work?
Brrrrrrr …
Advice gratefully accepted.
18 comments:
Hmmm, I think you'll just have to walk through the village with your girlfriend on your arm, as often as possible, and make a big spectacle of yourselves, so word gets back to the scary woman.
I agree with what Robyn said. You can back that up with actually going for coffee with the loon but inviting her to join you and your girlfriend. Use creative pronouns like "we's" and "our's" with reference to ideas and activities with your girlfriend when you talk to Loony Bird. Even loons can take a hint. Men may be oblivious to not-so-subtle hints, but women get the picture.
Or just don't ever call her. There is something to be said for avoidance.
Good luck.
My girlfriend is not from my end of my commute and things are still way too complicated for her to actually come to Norfolk. Hey ho.
You're right, FH; I'm a coward so I'll go for avoidance. I can cycle into the next village to get my shopping.
First, the dish about the girlfriend is still eagerly awaited.
Second, I think you can still have coffee, but if she hits on you, just say something about your girlfriend. She'll get the hint.
That's as dishy as I get, Sassy.
And yes, I'll probably meet her for coffee and a chat sometime, but only if she can prove her ex. husband is still alive and not buried under the patio.
Hey Cobber,
You're in the gun, mate. She hopes y've got a GF. She's looking for a chase around Norfolk with adrenaline dripping out of her smalls. She's looking in her bathroom mirror right now and trying on undies, 7 sizes too small, all in your favourite colour. She bought them today and she ain't sleeping a wink tonight, fantasizing and plotting.
Get on a plane, fast. Australia's downhill and to the left.
Alternatively, watch all those old Jack Nicholson films and learn how to GRIN. Works every time.
Come to think of it, you are a good deal more handsome than Jack. (Maybe that's what J..... thinks too.) Sorry.
MB; you are almost as scary as J……!
heehee.
M.Benaut - you could write the script to fatal attraction 2 with that sort of imagination.
Dive hunny, take it from attila, theres nothing wrong with saying "I'm sorry but I just got out of a relationship with a way scary fucking cow and am totally gunshy and thinking of exploring my gay side."
Or the other classic - act real interested and then invite her to an Amway party. Or ask her if she has ever thought about distributing "The Watchtower".
I wouldn't even do coffee with her. Your tempting fate. She sounds like rust and you know once that gets into your car you can't ever get rid of it.
Then again I'm a tad flu infested atm so my grumpy side is coming out.
Good to have you back babe. xoxox
I love your grumpy side, Kate.
The Amway thing sounds a great idea but it would be too scary if it backfired and she turned out to sell the damned stuff herself.
Brrrrrr … Weeeemen.
Thats easy fixed hun. If she sells amway just lean in and whisper that actually you'd like to buy some because when you were younger your folishly got a tattoo in an unmentionable spot and you'd really like to find an abrasive to take off the "666".
Then invite to come and watch your favourite dvd, "Helter skelter"
If you get an affirmative answer to any of the above - RUN!!!!!
You know about my tattoo? Yikes!
Actually, I once met a scary ex. in a supermarket. She smiled and said "hi" and reached down into my basket, took out my loaf of bread and ripped it to shreds, throwing the bits all over me. Then smiled again and walked off.
Weeeemen …
Ah so you've met my twin huh?
I've blogged, I've done my duty. I'm going to bed.
Come back soon, we miss you.
xoxoxox
Just say "I've got a girlfriend who I've very happy with" to her. Unless she's a complete psycho she'll take the hint. If you'd been single then you may have had to resort to moving to New Zealand etc., but you've got a get out clause being spoken for.
Perhaps you should play matchmaker and introduce her to a single acquaintance of yours (well, especially if it's someone you don't like).
Dive, then next time you have to go where she is just tell you that you were delighted to see her but may have left her with the wrong impression and because you, she and the ex were all so chummy in the past you wanted to be clear that friendship is all you are be interested in. When she makes references to coffee just keep saying, "yes we will have to do that someday!" Can you tell I've played this game before?!
Get well soon, Kate.
Betty: I can't think of anyone I dislike enough to foist a psycho on them. Yikes!
And Prudence: Thank you for words of wisdom from the voice of experience.
as much as i'd like to leave a funny comment, i agree with prdence...be straightforward about everything and do it sooner rather than later, sugar :)
Being upfront and honest works well. If the person is sane.
If they aren't...well...you simply go with the old "I must remember to pick up my herpes meds on the way home!"
As usual I'm Johnny come lately with the comments here dive. But never count me out.
this post is really funny and one I can relate to so much. Well... in my single days that is which was a while ago. Istill meet psycho weemen who charm up to me and then I just flash thole wedding band and that always gets rid of them.
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