I'll restart the 500 Words thing next Friday, but in the meantime …
I've been seriously neglecting my series on eating the weirdest, ickiest and most dangerous things I can find and now, thanks to Katie smuggling the things into the country I have the opportunity of ingesting probably the most disgusting and soul-destroying alleged foodstuff the planet has ever known.
This is not an experiment I feel safe conducting on my own so I've invited Phil over to join me.
Laydees and gentlemen, I give you - all the way from the USA …That most awesomely destructive Weapon of Mass Obesity:
The Hostess Twinkie!
Ewwwwww!
If anyone feels like making one at home, here are the ingredients:ENRICHED BLEACHED WHEAT FLOUR [ FLOUR, REDUCED IRON (what the fuck is "reduced iron"? Rust?), 'B' VITAMINS (NIACIN, THIAMINE MONONITRATE (B1), RIBOFLAVIN (B2), FOLIC ACID], SUGAR, WATER, CORN SYRUP, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED VEGETABLE AND/OR ANIMAL SHORTENING (Animal Shortening? Is that when they cut the legs off?) (SOYBEAN, COTTONSEED AND/OR CANOLA OIL, BEEF FAT … Mmmmmmm … Beef Fat! Just what you're looking for in a dessert; slap it over your lemon sorbet. Yum), WHOLE EGGS, DEXTROSE, CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: MODIFIED CORN STARCH, GLUCOSE, LEAVENINGS (SODIUM ACID PYROPHOSPHATE (isn't that an explosive?), BAKING SODA, MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE), SWEET DAIRY WHEY, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, CALCIUM AND SODIUM CASEINATE, SOY FLOUR, SALT, MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, POLYSORBATE 60, SOY LECITHIN, CORNSTARCH, CELLULOSE GUM, SODIUM STEAROYL LACTYLATE, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOURS, SORBIC ACID (TO RETAIN FRESHNESS), YELLOW 5, RED 40.
Holy fucking crap! That's wholly fucking crap!
Combine all that stuff together in a big factory and you get these: sticky little sausagey cylinders of corn syrup and chemicals.Well … Here goes nothing!
Katie well and truly threw down the gauntlet earlier this summer by eating a (brace yourselves) deep-fried Twinkie on a stick (GACK), so, as we big brave boys cannot let the girls have all the glory, open wide and let's eat Twinkie!
Gimme an "I"Gimme a "C"
Gimme a "K"
Gimme a "Y"
Phil's actual verdict was "Ooh! They're quite nice!"
Sheesh! The sugar rush is going to kill me!
Gah! And pthah!They're kinda like chewing the foam rubber padding out of a cheap sofa that's been marinaded in corn syrup for a few years and then left to rot in a chemical dump.
Plus there's enough preservatives in there to ensure my corpse won't rot for decades after I'm dead. Though it may spontaneously combust from all the chemicals.
I'm writing this an hour or so after eating my Twinkie, having since flushed my tastebuds clean with green tea and then had a vigorous minty tooth-brushing session, but STILL all I can taste is sticky sickly sweetness.
EUGH!
Plus I now have a kind of chemical burn at the back of my throat.
ACK!
So far in this series we've eaten such things as whalemeat, wasabi chocolate, soy sauce flavoured Kit-Kat and tamarind poo, but Twinkies are easily the worst culinary experience I've endured to date.
Of course if anyone knows anything grosser I can put in my mouth, please send along a sample.
45 comments:
How about those "American hot dogs" in a jar (probably immersed in some kind of chemical-laden liquid) we saw on Katie's blog a few days ago? Or you could add a refreshing drink to your meal, a can of Squirt, which is supposed to taste like grapefruit soda and contains ingredients such as: "Glycerol ester of wood rosin, and Brominated vegetable oils"
Better living through chemicals...
Oh, poor Dive, I feel truly sorry for you ... btw, I love twinkies but I think that they might have contributed to a significant weight gain when i lived in north america. :(
These days, my weakness, apart from chocolate of course, is baklava! Love it - syrup, yes, pastry, walnuts, a million calories ...
Gee, Dive, I don't think there's anything grosser than a Twinkie. We don't actually eat those here. I believe they're used in the bricklayer's trade.
I thought I brought you up to eat decent food..... when you are both ill at the weekend, you will want me to feel sorry for you!!!!!still my motto has always been if you have not tasted it you cannot say you do not like it, Please do not bring me any!!!!!!
Cali: Insult the Twinkie? I thought my review of it was gushingly complimentary. I can't wait to try the deep-fried version on a stick when I get to San Francisco.
I have still not (after more than three years of trying) tracked down any Fluff over here. That's something I am eager to experiment with. Plus of course such unknown delights (this side of the pond) as sassafrass and hominy grits (what on earth is a hominy grit?), S'mores and Screaming Yellow Zonkers, among many others.
My tastebuds quiver in excited anticipation.
Ms. M: Better living through chemicals indeedy! In pursuit of that dream I may well purchase a jar of those icky "American Hot Dogs" along with some white "hot dog buns" and ketchup and have myself a nauseating little party.
We don't have Squirt over here (great name, though), but the mix of "glycerol ester of wood rosin and brominated vegetable oils sounds a deliciously tempting combination.
Mme: Perhaps you can re-live those glory days with a deep fried Twinkie when you see Katie next week (damn, I jealous … of both of you). Be sure to give her a hug from me.
Mmmm … baklava! Suicidally sweet but at least it contains real food.
Petrea: I think a house built from Twinkie bricks would be a very entertaining place to be in the event of an earthquake.
Mum: There are no more Twinkies, I'm afraid. And even if there were I am sure Phil would snaffle them before they reached you.
At least I didn't mention the bacon chocolate that Katie brought over (yes, you heard; chocolate with bacon in it). That was truly delicious!
Twinkies, Hohos, Dingdongs... In my younger days I considered them road trip food, since there is nothing like a shot of corn syrup at 3 am on the road. These days I opt for chocolate covered coffee beans.
Vanda: Hohos and Dingdongs? Yikes! I have no idea what they are but I have a sudden urge to try them.
Ah, the fulfillment of The American Dream: the three a.m. shot of corn syrup.
I've still got the sugar shakes from yesterday's Twinkie so I think I'll try to avoid corn syrup from now on.
i think that anything made with carob (the fake chocolate) is about as revolting as you can get. i tried carob once at a health food store in kentucky in 1978 and never quite recovered. will never allow carob to pass my lips again. but you're right - the fact that there's anything made from animal fat in twinkies is supremely gross. we weren't allowed to have twinkies when we were kids (for good reason, obviously) but i could always get them at my friend chris cooley's house....
Carob? Eww! Thanks for reminding me of that horror, Trish. I am totally in agreement. What depraved mind thought that one up? A substitute for chocolate but without any of the pleasure. Perverse in the extreme.
Your parents were wise to forbid you the horrors of chemical abuse inherent in the Twinkie diet, but - regrettably - there are always pushers who will supply that need to children. Your friend Chris will find a special circle of Hell has been reserved for him; a sticky pit of corn syrup and chemicals in which to spend an eternity of torment.
I haven't had a Twinkie in years!! I think they DO contain rust.
Next, you must eat a Hostess Ho Ho, or anything made by Hostess, actually. My town has a Hostess outlet, so I can provide the poison.
A Hostess Ho-Ho, Robyn?
Only a real Ho of a Hostess would serve such foul fare.
I'm amazed they're allowed to make anything more than Twinkies. Surely they should be prosecuted under international chemical weapons legislation.
Yeah, and all that. But they have a long shelf life! Stash some in your car in case you're stranded.
You should have included that website of Twinkie experiments that I sent you. It's hysterical. But PLEASE never put a Twinkie in a microwave!
Hee hee. The magic word for me is "spanc" !! that's for you for eating Twinkies.
Lupine Lady: Oh, my word, I'd forgotten those experiments. The photographs were way too graphic! Hee hee.
Dive, Twinkies are used as mortar, not as bricks.
I think you'll like hominy grits. Good ol' southern food, if my mother was any authority. I was allowed to eat hominy and I wasn't allowed Twinkies. Of course I tested those boundaries as a teenager, but one try was all it took. The rule still goes in my house.
A sensible rule, Petrea.
So what exactly is a hominy grit? Grit (whether hominy or not) does not exactly sound appetising. Tough on the teeth if nothing else.
Ah, hominy grits. I was raised on them. I think they are kernels of corn soaked in lye or something until they swell up and are soft and chewy. Yum.
Lye? Yikes, Robyn! That stuff will burn your skin right off.
I'm not too sure about soft and chewy grit. That sounds only marginally more appetising than a Twinkie.
I'll reserve judgement until I have more information.
Oh goodness I've heard my American friends talk of Twinkies and often wondered what they are. How positively putrid they sound. Ew. I am a fan of sticky sweetness too but my oh my all those chemicals - was there even ANY natural sugar there?! Yuk I don't think I'd be going near those. Katie likes them? Deep fried? Oh that's just insult to injury... groan.
Hostess poison, Robyn? Brr. Sounds like a dubious post the like of which Dive might produce.
Lynn: I don't think there was natural ANYTHING in there (except maybe the beef fat).
If you really want toxic, you need a Hostess Sno Ball: a"creme"-filled pseudo-chocolate cake dome covered with rubbery marshmallow and flurescent pink shredded coconut.
http://www.hostesscakes.com/snoballs.asp
My childhood favorite!
Dive, you're scaring me.
No kidding, just this morning, I was wondering if Twinkies were still around. I haven't seen one in awhile.
Why was I wondering this?
Because I was hiking in a Civil War battlefield, huffing and puffing like a steam train and wondering how those boys used to wear wool and carry heavy packs up those hills. Then I said to myself, well, obviously they didn't eat Twinkies. Then I started to wonder if Twinkies still existed.
OMG. Psychic Twinkie thoughts.
...and then there's chicken-fried steak with cream gravy, fried okra and black-eyed peas (the legume, not the band).
Ding Dongs. Btw, if you type dindong into google, you get lot of pictures of half naked men. Who woulda thunk?
Chocolate Covered Bacon and Deep Fried Hohos, oh my. (Let's not talk about chicken fried bacon here.)
Wow, now I can't decide what I want to try next deep-fried on a stick: Sno Balls, Ding Dongs or Ho Hos (hold the bacon). And let's not forget the entire line of Little Debbie Snack Cakes!
I want to say: "Gee, guys, they don't look that bad!" However, after seeing the culinary gems Katie herself has shown us are on offer in the legendary pâtisseries of Paris, I can't - I just can't. ... Perhaps if they didn't have such a revolting case of psoriasis. ... Nah, even then.
Scout is right. I hadn't realized it, but it's true. About the lye.
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-hominy.htm
Hominy is a soft grain of corn. I just didn't realize how they made it soft and chewy like that:
"American colonists used the words 'hominy' and 'samp' interchangeably to mean processed corn. The colonists, unfamiliar with corn, had to learn from the Indians how make the tough grain edible. The pioneers prepared hominy by soaking the kernels in a weak wood-based lye until the hulls floated."
Lulu: Snoballs are going to give me nightmares! Brr!
Katherine: Twinkies will always exist. They have so much preservative in them that when the last galaxies die there will still be Twinkies drifting through the empty void.
Lulu: Chicken-fried steak? Now I really am going to have to go hide behind the sofa.
Vanda: You girls are scaring me! The only good news I can see is that none of those things are available over here, so I cannot try them (whew).
Katie: Little Debbie Snack Cakes sound almost cute, but I really don't think I'd better read the ingredients list.
Lucio: Next time I'm in Paris I'm going to bring Twinkies and sneak them into Stohrer's shop display. Though I think that's a capital offence in France, akin to smuggling in American "cheese".
Petrea: Many thanks for the truly off-putting facts on hominy grits. Having read that, I shall not be able to eat for a while so perhaps I can lose the weight I put on eating a Twinkie.
Any fans of the Drakes Cakes line? Yodels, Devil Dogs, Yankee Doodles, Ring Dings and, of course, Coffee Cake JRs. We lived on these things along when we were kids in NY.
Dive -
As you may have noticed, here in the US, especially in the South, we will fry anything. Chicken Fried Steak is a Texas thang. You bread a steak as you would chicken and throw it in a deep fryer. It's as gross as you think it is. Chicken Fried Chicken is pretty good though.
Has Katie introduced you to the Corn Dog? It's a staple of State Fairs.
- Lulu
Yikes, Lulu!
Katie has warned me about the bizarre array of inedible things available deep-fried on a stick over there.
We do have our own gross-out foods, too (well, the Scots do): deep-fried Mars bars, deep-fried pizza and the appalling deep-fried, chocolate-coated Nutella sandwich in batter (GACK).
Occasionally I find myself partial to fish and chips and mushy peas but that's about as gross as I can stand. When they start serving that on a stick it will be time to emigrate.
I'll see your fried nutella sandwich and raise you a fried pickle and a serving of fried mac & cheese.
I am SO going to fast this weekend! I'm locking the kitchen door and staying the hell out of there.
We have many wonderful cheeses in America, but the one called "American cheese" is not one of them.
I meant the thing you squirt from a can, Petrea. Hee hee.
Don't worry: Katie has educated me about American cheeses. It seems you have some great little micro-creameries in California, the delights of which I can't wait to sample.
We're kind of spoiled over here with English and French cheeses, and traditionally, the quest for an edible American cheese has been a standing joke here, so I am glad things are changing for the better.
Our old view of US cheeses consisted of Cheez-Whiz plus the plasticky squares of orange rubber that get served on burgers. Icky!
A ding dong is to die for.
Mercifully I'm not quite that hungry, Maria.
I've lost my appetite. Deep fried anything just makes me feel sick.
Lynn: I'm sure I'd heard somewhere that you are a fan of deep-fried peanut butter, chocolate spread and pickle sandwiches?
Perhaps not.
I spent four weeks taking a summer acting course at Oxford in 1999. I was privileged to live and study at Balliol College. I loved everything about it but the food. (Mind you, this was ten years ago.) It was the first and last time I experienced deep fried broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, etc. Also mutton.
I found all of the above to be inedible. I didn't have the extra money to eat at the local restaurants, but there wasn't much choice. Fortunately the excellent Indian restaurant across the street accepted my credit card. (I think they knew about the Balliol kitchen.)
Do you suppose it was just British dorm food? Or did they think the Americans studying there wanted everything deep fried? We were all leaving in droves to find other places to eat.
Eek!
I can only imagine they were misguidedly attempting to cater for Americans, Petrea; I've never come across any of those things deep-fried (except maybe in tempura in Japanese restaurants).
Icky!
Maybe so. At the end of the course the administrators were promising that "the food situation" would be corrected next year. I hope it was!
Hokay, I skimmed your post to find a reference to Tastycakes. Not a one.
I must admit. I hate Twinkies. But I have a weird and obsessive love for Tastycake's Butterscotch Krimpets. Give me your address and I will send you some.
Petrea: The 'food situation'?
They MUST have been catering for Americans if they used the 'S' word; that's not something we do over here.
Neetzy: I had to cringe at the word 'krimpet'. Brr!
Katie has my address but I have a feeling those would be impounded by Customs and I would get prosecuted for importation of hazardous chemicals.
It's been ten years so I'm sure I'm paraphrasing.
Post a Comment