An Immature Adult Replies …

Katherine came up with a quite wonderful post last Friday: 'Truths For Mature Adults.'

It was so good I felt compelled to reply, so here goes: Katherine's words are in italics, my replies are not:


Truths For Mature Adults

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately PUBLISH your computer history if (when) you die.
I do like that "if" in there, Katherine; it reminds me of Woody Allen wishing to achieve immortality not through his work but by not dying.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Ah, but that's the moment when the FUN part of your brain kicks in and compounds the error with a totally outrageous lie.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Me, too! Hand me that pillow; I'm off to Snoozeland.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Absolutely! Sarcasm is the highest form of wit, only derided by those without the wit for sarcasm.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

You have to wait for the elastic to perish and use a really hot iron. Or be a pedant like me and use freshly ironed unfitted sheets and learn to make hospital corners. Just feel that thread count. Mmmmm.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

Yup. I long for the day when all the keyboards die and we have to start writing properly again. It pains me as I get older to find more and more people telling me I have beautiful handwriting. EVERYBODY should have beautiful handwriting! No excuses. Go buy a really good fountain pen and get to it!

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Map Quest Shmap Quest. Those things take the fun out of getting lost.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

They do. At least the ones we get over here do. They'd be even more fun if they were like the ones in Mexican newspapers, with photos of the scene. Yay!

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Me neither. I don't think humans are designed to live much past forty. It's like our warranty runs out and all the parts keep failing. Sigh.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

Darn tootin! They make even better stories if they're somebody else's bad decisions. Nothing quite hits the spot like schadenfreude.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Usually just after the first cup of coffee when I look at my desk and think 'Sheesh! Is it time to go home yet?'

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm still ignoring blu-ray. In fact I'm still ignoring television. Books and radio rule my world. Woohoo!

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

Word? Hahahahahahahaha! Never use a Microsoft product. I never have and life's just dandy.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I don't have one of those new-fangled phones that store numbers so I never answer mine at all. If they've anything worth saying they'll leave a message. Better still, write me a letter. And your handwriting better be beautiful!

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

Hahahahaha! I assume this is an advert for a crap jewelry chain, Katherine?
I'll go with the beer any day. Expecting someone to kiss you in exchange for a chunk of metal or a shiny rock is kinda stone age. 'Hey, buster, I can get metal down at the scrap yard and I can pick up rocks off the ground. Gimme a beer and pucker up!'

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

Wow! You still have ghettos in the USA? Cool!
Though isn't that taking retro-chic a little bit too far? Did the Civil Rights movement not really happen over there? Did nobody read that bit in your Constitution about being 'equal?' Apparently not. Hey ho.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

There's a fine line betweeen them? Uh-oh. There ought to be a high wall with razor wire on top, otherwise I'm in big trouble.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

As many as it takes to get the idiot to speak slowly and clearly. Take them to one side and suggest elocution lessons. Make it their problem, not yours.

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Right on. Jerk drivers are why we evolved a middle finger.

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I WISH! And when are you people in the colonies going to learn that pants are pants and trousers are trousers (and vests are vests for that matter, not waitcoats - sheesh)? Only Superman wears his pants on the outside.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Me, too. No matter how much we need to know the time, as we get older our minds cease to care.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

My alarm clocks are sensibly yet distressingly positioned in the far corners of the room (including my spiffy mosque alarm clock - woohoo for the 5:30 call to prayer). A snooze button is just another way to get in trouble for being late to work.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Yet we've still not come up with the ass-guard, to protect where most men's brains really are.


Many thanks and profuse apologies to Katherine for my abuse of her great post.

WTF Monday - Priapic Special

As the weather has been too crappy for me to get out and about with my camera, I've looted my stock of British Museum photos for today's post.
Click on this to … er … enlarge it and you'll see the sort of thing that is on full display at a child's eye height.
Ah, those ancient Greeks and their funny ways.
All kids deserve an educational trip to the BM.

Bathroom Break

Since giving my beloved Edward Gorey collection a rest from bathroom duty (they are currently vacationing on the landing bookshelves and may send a postcard later) their place has been taken by a ragbag of old poetry books.
For those sedentary moments there is nothing quite like a good poem to inspire both mind and … er … the lower functions.

Anyhoo … while I have nothing blogworthy in my head I thought I might as well share with you an occasional moment from another part of my body: the part that I sit upon and that most people assume - probably correctly - does my thinking.

So here - in defiance of all copyright laws - is what I enjoyed during today's bathroom break: an evocative poem by the wonderful, very Canadian (and sadly departed) Earle Birney.

Twenty-third Flight

Lo as I pause in the alien vale of the airport
fearing ahead the official ambush
a voice languorous and strange as these winds of Oahu
calleth my name and I turn to be quoited in orchids
and amazed with a kiss perfumed and soft as the lei.
Straight from a travel poster thou steppest,
thy arms like mangoes for smoothness,
o implausible shepherdess for this one ageing sheep,
and leadest me through the righteous paths of the Customs
in a mist of my own wild hopes.
Yea though I walk through the valley of Immigration
I fear no evil, for thou art a vision beside me
and my name is correctly spelled
and I shall dwell in the Hawaiian Village Hotel
where thy kindred prepareth a table before me.
Thou restoreth my baggage, and by limousine leadest me
to where I may lie on coral sands by a stream-lined pool.

Nay but thou stayest not?
Thou anointest not my naked head with oil?
Thou shepherdess of Flight Number Twenty-three only
thou hastenest away on long brown legs to enchant
thy fellow members in Local Five of the Greeters' Union
or that favoured professor of Commerce mayhap
who leadeth thee into higher courses in Hotel Management.
O nubile goddess of the Kaiser Training Program
is it possible that my cup runneth not over
and that I shall sit in the still pastures of the lobby
whilst thou leadest another old ram in garlands past me,
and, bland as papaya, appearest not to remember me?
And that I shall lie by the waters of Waikiki, and want?


I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.
More bathroom break poetry another day.

WTF Monday - Own Brand Bacteria Special

Hokay, so I'm partial to the occasional tub of Sainsbury's organic yog with my breakfast, but what I had not realised until I read the tub was that Sainsbury's now claim to have their own brand bacteria!
Next time I'm in the store I'm going to ask for some.
How does one buy bacteria, I wonder? By the pound? By the pint? By the yard?
And if I used a tub of their yoghurt to start culturing my own (something I used to do in my green and veggie years) would their lawyers hound me for royalties on their bacteria?
The world gets stranger by the day.

Buy This

This is the delicious little mediæval house where the strange creatures from the previous post live.
It sits right in the middle of Smallville on the pedestrian shopping street and as you can see, it's for sale if you have some spare cash and are in the market for something 14th century.

Meanwhile …

Discuss.

Use both sides of the paper if necessary.

WTF Monday - Capitalism Special

Random Photo 4

WTF Monday - Smallville Folk Special

Meet the locals.

These fine folk have been appearing in the high street just lately.
I'm beginning to get that 'Wicker Man' feeling.

Goodwood 2010 - Patterns And Shapes