Katherine came up with a quite wonderful post last Friday: 'Truths For Mature Adults.'
It was so good I felt compelled to reply, so here goes: Katherine's words are in italics, my replies are not:
Truths For Mature Adults
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately PUBLISH your computer history if (when) you die.
I do like that "if" in there, Katherine; it reminds me of Woody Allen wishing to achieve immortality not through his work but by not dying.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Ah, but that's the moment when the FUN part of your brain kicks in and compounds the error with a totally outrageous lie.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Me, too! Hand me that pillow; I'm off to Snoozeland.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
Absolutely! Sarcasm is the highest form of wit, only derided by those without the wit for sarcasm.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
You have to wait for the elastic to perish and use a really hot iron. Or be a pedant like me and use freshly ironed unfitted sheets and learn to make hospital corners. Just feel that thread count. Mmmmm.
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
Yup. I long for the day when all the keyboards die and we have to start writing properly again. It pains me as I get older to find more and more people telling me I have beautiful handwriting. EVERYBODY should have beautiful handwriting! No excuses. Go buy a really good fountain pen and get to it!
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Map Quest Shmap Quest. Those things take the fun out of getting lost.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
They do. At least the ones we get over here do. They'd be even more fun if they were like the ones in Mexican newspapers, with photos of the scene. Yay!
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Me neither. I don't think humans are designed to live much past forty. It's like our warranty runs out and all the parts keep failing. Sigh.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
Darn tootin! They make even better stories if they're somebody else's bad decisions. Nothing quite hits the spot like schadenfreude.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Usually just after the first cup of coffee when I look at my desk and think 'Sheesh! Is it time to go home yet?'
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
I'm still ignoring blu-ray. In fact I'm still ignoring television. Books and radio rule my world. Woohoo!
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
Word? Hahahahahahahaha! Never use a Microsoft product. I never have and life's just dandy.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I don't have one of those new-fangled phones that store numbers so I never answer mine at all. If they've anything worth saying they'll leave a message. Better still, write me a letter. And your handwriting better be beautiful!
15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
Hahahahaha! I assume this is an advert for a crap jewelry chain, Katherine?
I'll go with the beer any day. Expecting someone to kiss you in exchange for a chunk of metal or a shiny rock is kinda stone age. 'Hey, buster, I can get metal down at the scrap yard and I can pick up rocks off the ground. Gimme a beer and pucker up!'
16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Wow! You still have ghettos in the USA? Cool!
Though isn't that taking retro-chic a little bit too far? Did the Civil Rights movement not really happen over there? Did nobody read that bit in your Constitution about being 'equal?' Apparently not. Hey ho.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
There's a fine line betweeen them? Uh-oh. There ought to be a high wall with razor wire on top, otherwise I'm in big trouble.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
As many as it takes to get the idiot to speak slowly and clearly. Take them to one side and suggest elocution lessons. Make it their problem, not yours.
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Right on. Jerk drivers are why we evolved a middle finger.
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I WISH! And when are you people in the colonies going to learn that pants are pants and trousers are trousers (and vests are vests for that matter, not waitcoats - sheesh)? Only Superman wears his pants on the outside.
21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Me, too. No matter how much we need to know the time, as we get older our minds cease to care.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
My alarm clocks are sensibly yet distressingly positioned in the far corners of the room (including my spiffy mosque alarm clock - woohoo for the 5:30 call to prayer). A snooze button is just another way to get in trouble for being late to work.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Yet we've still not come up with the ass-guard, to protect where most men's brains really are.
Many thanks and profuse apologies to Katherine for my abuse of her great post.
22 comments:
Great post Katherine! Irma, my GPS lady loves to take us through the seediest neighborhoods.
C'mon Dive, try to convince me there aren't more than a few of those "neighborhoods" in Brit-land.
You two make a great team :) I relate to many of these....
(My cursive handwriting is almost illegible; I rebelled against penmanship class in grade school)
Neetzy: I don't know of any personally, though most people will try to avoid Essex (not so much out of fear as much as the feeling that being anywhere near the place is in rather poor taste).
Ms.M: Get thee to a stationers shop right now, buy a good fountain pen and make up for lost time!
This is an amazing list, for both of you! #18—one of my favorite lines from Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is when Johnny Depp tells the brat he really should stop mumbling, because he can't understand a thing he says.
And as for ghettos in the US, Dive, let's pretend the UK doesn't have pockets of low-rent housing where poor people live. (raspberry)
LOLOL! I love your response, Dive.
DISCLAIMER: I did not author the original list. I got it from an email my brother sent me. However, I think I will now add to that list because this is so much fun.
And yes, we do still have ghettos, though they have little to do with Civil Rights. Ghettos are filled with all kinds of people. Ghetto is more a socio-economic thing.
Robyn: Yay for Tim Burton!
Now that we have the Tories back in power over here, the whole damned country is poor, so it'll soon be one big ghetto.
Katherine, I can't wait to see your additions to the list.
Regarding #15: Yes, Kay is a jewelry chain.
And I have written my own follow-up, trite as it may be.
http://luxuriouschoices.blogspot.com/2010/10/more-truths-for-mature-adults.html
"How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?"
You don't. You roll it up into a ball and shove it into the closet.
Katherine: I love your follow-up. Awesome!
Vanda: Hee hee! Please don't come over and do my laundry.
Hahahaha! Love it all! Oh wait. I forgot K was adding a list. Better get to checkin it!
And I would "like" Robyn's comment if I could. :)
And if we didn't have ghettos we wouldn't have "Ghetto fabulous!"
[ ...a stereotype of Lower income urban America. In this sense, it means individuals who have mentally created an affluent lifestyle while not always having any luxurious possessions or wealth.]
A term I am sure to emulate on occasion. :D
I loved the comments as much as the quotes!
MB employs No. 18 frequently to disguise the fact that he is quite deaf!! That's when I roll my eyes and suggest he get a hearing aid.
And No. 17 definitely applies to me but instead of responding to hunger, I light a cigarette. Not good!
Shan: "Ghetto fabulous?" That's a new one on my, but I like it.
Mme: I'm with MB on No18.
As for your No.17: I think you're grown-up enough now to do as you jolly well please, so puff away.
I know how to fold a fitted sheet. I learned ages ago from Martha Stewart and I hereby admit it on the world wide web.
You two make a good team.
So what's the secret, Petrea?
There are two ways to do it, neither of which is easy to describe without video, but I'll try.
1. easier with a partner: fold in the edges so you're holding the sheet by the outer part of the corners and fold it that way.
2. easy to do alone or with a partner: tuck opposite corners into each other so you have half a sheet; that flattens easily for folding.
Yeah. It needs video.
Thanks, Petrea!
Katherine, I hope you got all that.
Er, I ball up all my sheets.
You should see my linen closet.
Hee hee.
If you're friends with Graci, you may not get pictures of the scene, but you get lovely shots of the autopsy. If anyone in my neighborhood goes missing, I'll be the prime suspect based on the circumstantial evidence in my inbox--messages that start with, "Look what we found when we peeled back this guy's scalp!"
Hee hee, T, that's my kind of inbox.
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