Let's Make A Racket - XVI

Car Porn - Ligging

Day 4 of Car Porn Week combined with Let's Make A Racket XVI.
And a video, too!
Three posts in one!

So not only did we get free tickets to the Goodwood Festival of Speed this year, but Phil got to race in the Lotus 211 (more on that tomorrow).
And not only that … Because he's such a girly swot in the world of performance car paints, people want to ask his advice. He does stuff (through Lotus) with Mc.Laren and Aston Martin among others.
And those nice Nissan folk from Japan …

Pretty girls in sexy uniforms beckoned us through the barriers into the Nissan hospitality area, where we indulged heartily in the free champagne (except Phil, who had tea as he was at work).

This was what we were here for: the Nissan bods want Phil's advice on how to get a European spec, water-based paint job for this little beauty.

If anyone watched last Sunday's Top Gear, you'll have seen Clarkson race the bullet train across Japan in one of these (and beat it).
And if anyone's played Gran Turismo 5 Prologue you'll know that this is something pretty fucking special indeed!

The brand, spanking new Nissan GTR. Fuck, this is one fast car!
The paint's crap, though, so that's where our free glug-fest of Veuve-Cliquot came in.
The GTR is affordable, too (relatively); this little sweetie would set you back a mere £55,000 and it eats Ferraris and spits out the bones.
The photos don't do it justice. Once they get a decent coat of paint on it, the beast will look a lot nicer.

Anyhoo … While Phil was breakfasting in the "Drivers' Lounge", where we mere plebs were not permitted, Andy and I wandered the paddock.

Here's some porn for folk of my age and above.

The rather inelegant insides of a rather elegant Napier.

The front end of a classic Bentley LeMans.
This particular car raced at LeMans in 1929 and 1930 and made a glorious racket racing up the hill climb course at the weekend.
Yay!

And the back end of the new Bentley LeMans.

The rest of it.
It may not have the grace and elegance of the original but it goes rather a lot faster.

Andy insists this was not his handiwork.
(In case you can't make it out, someone has scrawled "Andy's 2nd Car" in the dust on the back of this rather pricey Ascari).

Getting back to Top Gear, Phil and I had a raucous chortle when Clarkson produced this very car and told us that as only 500 will ever be made, the likes of us are never going to see or hear one.
Well bollocks to you, Jeremy; we both saw and heard it. Hee hee. Two, in fact, as there was a white one in the Alfa display area.
And it is a thing of beauty.

Not quite so beautiful but still whizzy is the Bugatti concept car somebody had parked on the lawn.

A taster for the finale post of Car Porn Week: Phil's race.
This is the arse end of an RUF racing Porsche from the front end of Phil's Lotus 211.

Tomorrow will be fun.

In yesterday's comments box, Mme. Benaut complimented Goodwood House so I thought I'd post this rather unguided tour of the interior.



Dougie Lampton is the man on the bike and he was doing the same stunt live at the weekend.
Lord March appears to have a far larger carpet cleaning budget than me.

And I searched my archives for a car related racket in vain. The closest I could do is a crappy old version of Mustang Sally, so here it is.



Have fun.

Car Porn Week - Burning Rubber

Welcome back to Goodwood House for Car Porn Week, Day 3.

Let's bring things up to date with the Mc.Laren F1 car, raced up the hill this weekend by Pedro de la Rosa and some young upstart called Lewis Hamilton.

These suckers are NOISY!

I mean, when I took this picture my eardrums had been driven so far into my skull they met in the middle (luckily there's not much brain in there to get in the way).

Pedro pits.

There were loads of current cars and top Formula One drivers enjoying a weekend break halfway through the season.

Now we get to my favourite Formula One era, the classic racing cars of my youth.
Here's a sweet little 1967 Lotus Cosworth.

And here it comes, screaming up the track.

Watching hordes of these things racing their asses off is one of the greatest pleasures known to man and that's what we get every year at the Goodwood Revival Meeting (we're back there in September … look out).

Another insane car for billionaires to play with.
Fortunately, the nice folk at Mc.Laren brought this one here to race it.

Yeehaa! I love that aroma of burnt rubber and toasted motor oil.

Hey! Real porn! A naked racing car!
One of many historic Lotus Cosworths that Phil's company still race … in its birthday suit!

And here is its ballgown.

Talking of sex, this car SO does not need a couple of Pussy Galore-alikes draped over it to seduce everyone within a ten mile radius.
Part of Cartier's James Bond exhibition, the original 1965 Aston Martin DB5.

And a car that I have a real soft spot for, the nearest the Japanese have ever come to a beautiful sports car, the glorious 1967 Toyota 2000GT Roadster.
This very car cradled the sweet bottom of … sigh … the utterly beautiful Akiko Wakabayashi in You Only Live Twice.

Loads more tomorrow, but in the meantime, here's Andy celebrating the fact that he remembered to bring his Vaccination Certificate.

Car Porn Week - Dirty Stuff

Day two of Car Porn Week and we're getting down and dirty.

Goodwood has something for everybody (or at least every kind of car nut).
About a mile's trudge up a very steep hill brings us to the forest rally stage, where the cream of the world's rally drivers (actually, most of them are Norwegian or Finnish, the rest of the world seems not so disposed toward suicidal insanity) were having a bit of fun.

There's no possible way to type the noise of a rally car tearing off the start line in a cloud of gravel and dust, so I won't try.
It's a bloody good noise, though!

Vreeeeeeowm (together with lots of crunching sounds and a noise like trees screaming in terror).

More of the same, but this time in a Lancia!

And now in a Subaru with the camera held at a silly angle for dramatic effect.

Of course it never all goes quite to plan.
An exceedingly expensive little prang on the priceless vintage Lancia.
Oops!

For those of the non-gravelly persuasion, here's a taste of things to come later in the week:

Sir Stirling Moss fiddles with his … ahem … helmet at the start line for the hill climb.
The man is a true God of racing.

And here's some sex.
The new Alfa from the cockpit of Phil's Lotus 211.

And almost as sexy as that …

Leaning out of the window of her Maserati and chatting to the other drivers as they pass (yes, Phil got a wave and a smile) the world's only supermodel with balls: race queen extraordinaire and lead-footed maniac überbabe, Jodie Kidd.
Yum …

Car Porn Week - Prancing Horsepower

Hokay …

It's Car Porn Week over here at the Planet, so any non-motorheads out there had better look away now.

We'll start with something for that select band of bastards who have somehow acquired more millions than they could possibly know what to do with.
Need to pop down to Rodeo Drive to buy shoes?
Here's your ideal shopping trolley.

A W16 engine, kicking out 1,001 BHP, a top speed of 253.19mph, ten (count 'em) radiators, a price tag of around one and a half million dollars.
Add to that the fact that - if you put your foot down - it achieves a whopping 2.05mpg fuel consumption and empties the tank in under twelve minutes, but hey … if you can afford one of these you can afford your own gas company.

I give you the rather delicious yet undeniably silly Bugatti Veyron.

In fact I give you three of the buggers, sitting in a row.

However, should you not be a Saudi Sheikh, an arms dealer, a drug lord or a Halliburton war profiteer, something a tad less showy may be to your taste. Such as the other half of this rather expensive roadblock.

Mere millions will buy you one of these.

Pretty, aren't they?
A sweet little row of prancing horses.

This one costs the same as I could earn in three and a bit lifetimes at my current job.
Nice, though. Not flash like the Bugatti. Classy!

Here's the same car being refueled after its race. None of your girly pumps; a jerry can and a funnel is all you need.

Not the kind of exhaust you'd find down at your local dealer. But what a glorious noise it makes!

One of Schumacher's old horses got taken for some splendidly loud exercise on the track just after this.

My tastes, however run more toward these …
Classically beautiful … The Jaguar XK120.

More Jag sex.

But this is the reason I don't take the deeds of my house to Goodwood.
My dream car.
And there were a bunch of them for sale, fully restored.
I could have swapped one for my house and driven away …
Sigh …

Teaser Trailer

And so …
To Goodwood House, home of Lord March, patron of vintage and modern motorsport.
This isn't the Revival Meeting, where we dress up in period costume and watch racing drivers thrash the shit out of priceless vintage cars (that's in September … look out for more car porn then); no, this is the Goodwood Festival Of Speed; a more up-to-date affair, featuring today's top racing drivers and racing cars and sporting supercars from around the world, tearing up the infamous Goodwood Hillclimb course.


This is Phil, modelling a rather heavy sculpture of Marge Simpson's hairnet. And that's Andy with his back to us, trying to figure out how they drove those Land Rovers up there.

Some of you may recognise this little cutie as being one of the toys from Phil's Magical Kingdom.
Well, today it is here to be raced … With Phil in it …

Kinda like this …

A Phil's-Eye-View of the infamous and shit-scary "WALL".

Enough teasing.
This week will see a multi-post car porn extravaganza, culminating in Phil's hair-raising race, where he was joined by everyone from Sir Stirling Moss, through a bunch of top Formula 1 drivers to TV race-girl Vicki Butler-Henderson (racing the Tesla electric sports car; another of Phil's toys) and überbabe model and race nut Jodie Kidd, who tore up the hill just after Phil in her Maserati (that girl can DRIVE).

We had a rather splendid time.

Toodle Pipski

Hey ho.
Off into the middle of the night to drive, drive and drive again (see the previous post).

SingalongaDive:



GodDAMN, that spotty dress does it for me!

Min, Tilly And Slibriddies

Right!
I'm going to bed.

I know I'm only just home, but I have to be up even earlier than usual tomorrow as Phil and I are driving a long way to somewhere spiffy and any fans of Phil and his Magic Kingdom are likely to see something a little bit special when we get back sometime late on Sunday.

In the meantime, I got lumbered with a training day today. A dozen people screaming silently for six hours. An arse-chewing boredom-fest of vomitory awfulness. In fact it was so bad that I can't even work up a rant about it so here's the last one.
Plus I have new and entertaining problems in the office …
To whit:

As you may or may not have gathered, Andy (who sits next to me at the office and who you met in our little Black Guy/White Guy meme thing) is working in Japan for the next six months, the BASTARD! So I now have a temporary neighbour; another in the constant stream of Kiwis who pass through here on working holiday visas.
I don't know what it is about New Zealand colleges but they churn out pretty damned fine architectural CAD-monkeys, of a far higher quality than our own shitty educational establishments can manage, hence we always have a couple of them deafening the office with their boisterous southern ways (I have yet to meet a quiet or decorous New Zealander).
The latest addition is Rebecca - or as she insists: R'Bicker.
She joins fellow Kiwi Squeaky Kate (whose name R'Bicker pronounces "Kitey") and who - to our misfortune - sits way over on the other side of the room.

Where Andy and I would chat happily (and quietly) about jazz and cooking and Japan and guitars and rugby and all sorts of stuff, R'Bicker and I have yet to discover any discernible cultural reference points (it's no use talking to a Kiwi about rugby as they simply fall about laughing at the English).
As a result, R'Bicker and Kitey have spent the week shouting constantly across the room about "min" (men), "tilly" (TV) and "Slibriddies" (crappy celebs) and shrieking with laughter.

Add in to this mix two new temp girls starting next Monday, one from China and one from India (we have Chinese and Indian schools and so Mandarin and Hindi are common languages around the water cooler) and I can see it's going to be a loooooong summer.
Hurry back, Andy!

P.S.
Andy just emailed me. He's sitting on the tarmac in Sri Lanka of all places. The drawback of last-minute cheapo flight tickets.
Hey ho. He'll be in Tokyo in a few hours.
At least he's happy, the BASTARD!

Anyhoo, I'll do my blog-visiting rounds when we get back.
Toodle pipski!

Let's Make A Racket - XV

Er … Guys? How the fuck do we end this song?

In which Michael (seen here helpfully locating the bar in a local club) gives it some Van Morrison style shouty vocalising and we all miss the ending. I can picture us grinning like fools and looking round at one another, shrugging and going "What the hell … Let's just wind it down."

I'm playing the strat on this one, which should be fairly obvious if you've been paying any attention these past fifteen weeks instead of looking out of the window.

So … Another Cheese Mechanics racket. An inexplicably funky and predictably crappy-ended version of "Since You've Been Gone."



A quick note to Sassy, who has been recaptured and returned to Blogville after six months on the run: for the last fifteen Thursdays I've been posting some crappy old songs from my archives (no professional or copyrighted stuff, just random crap recorded at old gigs).
To punish you for running away, click on the "Let's Make A Racket" link and start with Racket Number 1.
And don't laugh at my ponytail.

Black And White

I found this on our Scout's blog earlier.
Some guy has made a list (admittedly tongue in cheek) of "things white people like and use to set themselves apart".

Now that's just asking for it.
I just spent over an hour on the videolink chatty thing, filling in the answers with Andy, the guy who sits next to me at work and who is decidedly not white (he's Ghanaian), to see how we fared.
So … without further ado, here are the results:

#104 Girls with bangs
Hokay. bad start. Both Andy and I like girls with bangs.
And of course bangs with girls, natch.

#103 Sweaters
We both wear them.

#102 Children’s Games as Adults
Hey, we both love GTA4 on our PS3s.

#101 Being Offended
Andy gets understandably offended by racists; I get offended by the whole human race.

#100 Bumper Stickers
We both raised our eyebrows at this one. Neither of us are American so we don't have them.

#99 Grammar
Sheesh! I thought I would win this one for whitey but Andy (a multi-linguist) is if anything even more pedantic than I am.

#98 The Ivy League
Er … The Ivy League were an English pop group in the early 1960s. I think they later became the Flowerpot Men in hippy times. As neither of us could remember any of their songs we'll have to skip this one.

#97 Scarves
Andy wears scarves. I keep one rolled up in my bag to use as a pillow on the train.

#96 New Balance Shoes
What the fuck are they?

#95 Rugby
Ah! We are both rugby fans but Andy plays, too, so he wins this one.

#94 Free Healthcare
The NHS is free to everyone; black, white, brown, yellow, green, puce, heliotrope, spotty, whatever.

#93 Music Piracy
We are both musicians and hate music piracy.

#92 Book Deals
Er … Neither of us has written a book so this is irrelevant.

#91 San Francisco
I want to go there; Andy has been there and loved it, the lucky bastard.

#90 Dinner Parties
We both cook extravagantly but we both prefer eating out to giving dinner parties.

#89 St. Patrick’s Day
Everybody except Americans hates the Irish (including most of the Irish).

#88 Having Gay Friends
We both have gay friends so that cancels out.

#87 Outdoor Performance Clothes
Nope. Two shrugs. We don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean. If it means sports clothing on non-sportspeople, that's a Chav thing, restricted to scum and criminals.

#86 Shorts
A big shake of the head from both of us. No way.

#85 The Wire
Again, we have no idea what that is.

#84 T-Shirts
Both of us have a collection of crap teeshirts which we wear at every opportunity.

#83 Bad Memories of High School
I loved school. So did Andy. We got to hang around with schoolgirls all day and have sex with some of 'em; what's not to love?

#82 Hating Corporations
I'm a Marxist. Andy's an African. We both hate corporations.

#81 Graduate School
We don't have that here. Nor in Ghana.

#80 The Idea of Soccer
There's an idea? It's the most boring, infantile and pathetic game in the world. Andy likes Chelsea, though, so this is one up for black against white.

#79 Modern Furniture
You've seen my furniture. It's OLD. Andy's too.

#78 Multilingual Children
We were both multilingual children.

#77 Musical Comedy
Nope. That's a gay thing.

#76 Bottles of Water
Never. We both drink filtered tap water.

#75 Threatening to Move to Canada
I once had a bass player who emigrated to Canada. He was Welsh, though, so what the fuck did he know about anything?
Nope. Neither Andy nor myself like the cold that much. And I need an ocean between me and the Great Satan.

#74 Oscar Parties
Another gay thing.

#73 Gentrification
We hate the gentry.

#72 Study Abroad
Andy cheated this one as he's Ghanaian.

#71 Being the only white person around
I win one! I'm the only white person here and Andy's the only black person.

#70 Difficult Breakups
I thought I'd win this one hands down, but Andy's had his share, too. Not an exclusively white thang.

#69 Mos Def
We have no idea what that means. Is it a typo?

#68 Michel Gondry
Another double blank here. Who the fuck is that?

#67 Standing Still at Concerts
Sheeit no! We are groovy fuckers!

#66 Divorce
That's kinda international, surely.

#65 Co-Ed Sports
What, like mixed mud-wrestling? Yeah, we'd both go for that!

#64 Recycling
I am the compost master! Andy lives in a flat so just can't compete, though he does recycle all he can.

#63 Expensive Sandwiches
We both eat sushi or noodles at lunchtime. If we're going to get a sarnie it will be a cheapie from Hope's Sandwich bar.

#62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
Having lots of money is best for poor people. We both agree on that one.

#61 Bicycles
We are both mad cyclists.

#60 Toyota Prius
Shit! We both wish we could afford one!

#59 Natural Medicine
Yup. We both like homeopathy and acupuncture.

#58 Japan
Andy, you BASTARD!
I've been studying the language and culture for years but tomorrow Andy flies off for a six month architecture contract in Tokyo.
Bastard, bastard, bastard!
He's going to send me lots of photos of all the pretty Japanese girls he sees.
Bastard!

#57 Juno
Neither of us has seen it but we both think she looked cute on the posters.

#56 Lawyers
We both hate them with a vengeance.

#55 Apologies
Sorry, but that's another draw.

#54 Kitchen Gadgets
We are both minimalists. Good knives (I'm really into Japanese ceramic ones at the mo) and a pestle and mortar. No crappy "food processors". Gadgets are for wimps. We are macho cooks! Hee hee.

#53 Dogs
We are both cat people.

#52 Sarah Silverman
Who she?

#51 Living by the Water
We both don't think we'd survive if we couldn't walk to a river, lake or sea in a few minutes. Inland is creepy! Brrr …

#50 Irony
I love ironing.
Anyway, what the fuck is "irony" doing in an American quiz? Americans don't understand the concept. Most of them confuse it with sarcasm and those that don't simply think it's something resembling iron.

#49 Vintage
We both have a collection of vintage guitars and love vintage sports cars so again, not exclusively white.

#48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
We are both foodies.

#47 Arts Degrees
Dammit! Andy wins this one as I dropped out of my art degree to play RAWK!

#46 The Sunday New York Times
They don't sell that in my village newsagent.

#45 Asian Fusion Food
Shit. We're fussy. We go out for sushi and sashimi together but tend to avoid fusion stuff as we are snobby purists.

#44 Public Radio
We were both raised by the BBC. And we both enjoy NPR podcasts from the States.

#43 Plays
Again, we both enjoy plays.

#42 Sushi
Damned right! If we don't go for sushi at least once a week then one of us is in hospital or dead.
Damn! That's just reminded me he'll be in Tokyo for the next six months. BASTARD!!!!!

#41 Indie Music
We're both musicians and both anti-corporate so that's another subject that doesn't define "whiteness".

#40 Apple Products
I win by seven Macs and two iPods against two Macs and one iPod. Yay!
But it's still not a whitey thing.

#39 Netflix
No idea.
Anyone know what that is? Another typo?

#38 Arrested Development
Again, we've drawn a blank. Is it a band?

#37 Renovations
Shit, I stripped my first house down to the brickwork, re-wired, plumbed and plastered it and rebuilt the fucker.
Never again!
Neither of us will raise so much as a screwdriver if there's a chance we can pay some other sucker to do the work.

#36 Breakfast Places
We both love breakfasting out with friends on a weekend.

#35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report
Nope. That's passed us both by.

#34 Architecture
We are both architects, for fuck's sake.
I sit with fellow architects Andy (Ghanaian), Rupa (Indian), Luke (Nigerian) and JJ (from Essex, so probably not classifiable as human). Whitey loses out again.

#33 Marijuana
We both appreciate a toke.

#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism
I was veggie for fifteen years but I love sashimi too much so I gave it up a while back.
Andy's another seafood fan.

#31 Snowboarding
Too fucking cold. Anyone who goes skiing or snowboarding for pleasure is a fucking idiot.

#30 Wrigley Field
I know what that is! Yay! I saw it in the Blues Brothers movie.
Neither Andy or I are interested in American sports, however.

#29 80s Night
We think not.

#28 Not having a TV
I spent most of my life without one and will trash mine when the analogue signal is cut off in a year or so.
Andy doesn't have a TV.

#27 Marathons
Bollocks! We are both lazy-assed motherfuckers.

#26 Manhattan
We loved the movie. The Gershwin soundtrack is just made for a couple of jazz fiends such as ourselves.
As for the place? It's one of those places we both say we'll get to visit someday but probably won't.

#25 David Sedaris
I have only just found out who he is, thanks to you Colonial bloggers.
I gave Andy a podcast and he thinks he's funny, too.

#24 Wine
We are both pissheads.

#23 Microbreweries
Ha! I win one! I have a stash of beer from Phil's pal Mark's microbrewery. Andy will drink any old thing.

#22 Having Two Last Names
He beats me on that one. Chalk one up for Ghana against England.

#21 Writers Workshops
What do writers want with workshops? Do they have big machines to do the writing now? I don't understand.

#20 Being an expert on YOUR culture
I hate "English" culture. Football and celebs? Fuck off!
Andy likes Ghanaian culture so that's another one he wins.

#19 Traveling
Bastard! He's now going to Japan! He's probably landing at Narita while you read this.

#18 Awareness
Another one that Andy wins. I never know what the fuck is going on.

#17 Hating their Parents
We both love our parents.

#16 Gifted Children
Neither of us are breeders and we both find kids annoying and irritating.

#15 Yoga
Not with my back!
Andy says no thanks, too.

#14 Having Black Friends
He wins this one, hands down. I have a fair few black and Asian friends but being born and raised in Ghana is cheating.

#13 Tea
Green. From Shizuoka. For both of us.

#12 Non-Profit Organizations
What's not to love?

#11 Asian Girls
Fuck! Why does this stupid quiz keep reminding me that by the time I get to my Japanese class tomorrow night Andy will be in Tokyo, surrounded by cute Japanese girls?
DAMMIT!

#10 Wes Anderson Movies
A shake of the head from both of us.

#9 Making you feel bad about not going outside
What? That's just plain dumb.

#8 Barack Obama
We're both rooting for him.

#7 Diversity
You know my views on this. Andy feels the same way. Damn! I can't even win THIS one!

#6 Organic Food
Who the fuck would want to put intensively grown agrochemical product in their mouths? Of COURSE we only eat organic food.

#5 Farmer’s Markets
We cruise the markets each day like the couple of faddy foodie snobs we are.

#4 Assists
What is this?

#3 Film Festivals
Ha! I win another one!

#2 Religions their parents don’t belong to
We are both fervent atheists.

#1 Coffee
Again, we always have a Joe on the go.

So …
I'm buggered if I'm going all the way through that lot to check the scores, but I'm fairly certain that on our results, more of the above are signs that you are a black architect from Ghana who plays bass guitar than that you are a whitey.

Have a go yourselves.